Trouble accepting stepson

[lazyleggs]

I am aware that what I am going to say here is selfish and... wrong... so please dont just bash me and tell me what a horrible person I am. I am looking for some positive advice or reassurance or something.
I am engaged to be married. No date has been set yet. My fiance has a 2 year old son.... with a married woman. Although the issues with this woman are unimaginable, I dont want to make that my main point. My problem is that I am having a REALLY hard time accepting the fact that he has a son. My fiance has had almost no part in this kid's life until a few weeks ago because this woman's HUSBAND thought the kid was his the whole time. So it's all been this GIANT secret. And now that they are getting a divorce and the paternity tests are in that it is my fiance's son, he is SOOOOOOOOOO excited and happy and wants to see him and be a part of his life and yadda yadda. But it's all so overwhelming for me all of a sudden. And I'm extremely bummed out because WE are getting married and we're supposed to start our OWN family and have our OWN children. Now my fiance is experiencing all these 'Firsts' with this other kid and his mom. First word, first cute thing this, first cute thing that....  I am having a very hard time being understanding about it. I guess I dont get why, after never having anything to do with him for 2 years, he wants to now. It's complicating our relationship SO MUCH. Now we have to deal with his EX and this kid that suddenly appeared. I just dont know why..... why he cant just move on and be with me???????? It's tearing us apart and I dont think it's something I can handle. I'm only 25. He's 31. I never imagined dealing with something like this. Am I a horrible person if I can't find it in me to deal with this?

[jo929]

No you are not a horrible person,this is a terrible situation to deal with, espec ially since he had the child with a married woman, that means he is a cheater, and so is the childs mother, this child will be in his life forever, and at some point, so will the other woman,. so i know you are having a hard time dealing with this, you will have to ask yourself if you can deal with all of this, maybe put your wedding off a bit, until you see just what is going to happen, You know that he will have to pay child support,, also i worry that since he went with a married women once, what will stop him from doing it to you, I wish that i could give you a-really good answer, but the answer will have to come from you, and i do hope that you make the right decision    lots of luck  jo

[mayflowers]

Why don't you try to get to know the child too?  Have a family day with the 3 of you - your fiance, the son, and yourself.  It's the not the child's fault that he is in this situation but you all need to pull together to give this kid a good life.

Good luck.

[wannabefree330]

I think you are feeling more cheated than anything.  As may said, its not the child's fault that he is in this.  If you love your fiance unconditionally, that means you must accept his baggage as well.  If you decide to stay with him, you will be able to share all those wonderful experiences together when you have your first child together too.  Each child is different, and each comes with a whole new set of 'firsts',... and Its a great experience no matter how many kids you have.  Are you jealous that he spends time with the child instead of you?  If you try, you may actually be very happy spending time with the child together.  Or is it the fact he has to interact with the child's mom?  Do you think they have feelings for eachother?  I'd be worried he would want to walk out on me if I were in your situation.  If you think you can trust him to be faithful, you have to put your pride aside and accept what is his as your own.
Sit down and talk to him about your feelings.  Think of how you can compromise on both ends to be happy.  If you really think he's the man for you, you've got to make it work.  Whatever you do, don't treat the child badly-you and he are the innocent parties here.

[lazyleggs]

I'm really going to throw you all for a loop here when I explain this.... But this woman (his EX) was his BEST friend for 6 years. They've been having an affair for the last 3 or 4 years, pretty much right up until I met him 8 months ago. She was married and is just now getting a divorce. She has been his BOSS at work up until she was let go a few weeks ago. It's been a rollercoaster of a relationship just dealing with her. But I almost left my fiance about a month ago and, actually, my father stepped in and interfered. He sat my fiance down and had a heart-to-heart with him and, since then, my fiance has done a 180. Our relationship is really progressing and getting unbelievably better. Long long long story with all that. But we still havent sat down and really, truly talked about his son and how we're going to handle it. (That's the plan tonight though, yikes!). I just... I dont know what to say or what to do. At all.
To answer your questions, wannabe.... No, I dont feel jealous when he spends time with his son. Maybe what I do think is "Oh, he's out taking him to the park and doing all these cute fatherly things him and I are supposed to be doing together with OUR child". Yes, I am bothered with the fact that he has to constantly interact with the child's mom. That's very hard, considering their past. I am positive he does not have feelings for her. But I think she still wants him. He sat her down and talked to her last week about how things REALLY need to change with their friendship. Supposedly, she was understanding. But I'm struggling with trusting that they'll really take their friendship down a few notches...
I do worry about him walking out on me and being faithful. But I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT other than take that chance and trust him. It's not like he's done anything to me as of now. So I cant keep accusing him if he hasnt done anything. But I do worry! So how do I deal with that???
I'm stressing out and I'm feeling hopeless. Him and I need to focus on our relationship, fixing some past problems, and really devoting our attention on us. But we cant. Because we have his ex. And we have his child. And I'm overwhelmed and overanalyzing and overthinking everything and I'm freaked out.
I think what I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself. And.... I dont know how to get past all this and make things better. I dont know how to explain what I feel.

[Happy2girls]

It stinks that you didn't know about the little boy prior to getting involved with your fiancee but unfortunatly that is the hand you were dealt.  Some questions to ask yourself....If you had known he was a father would that have kept you from getting involved with him?  If he decided not to be in the child's life how would you really feel about what that says about his character?  The only advice I can offer here is that if you give him an ultimatum as in "it's me or the child" you will regret it no matter what he chooses.  If he says it's you, you will always question what type of man would abandon their child and he may always resent you.  If he chooses the child then you will be without him whether that's your intention or not.  I do beleive that you are projecting your feelings about the child's mother and your insecurities onto this innocent little boy.  I think whether you decide to stay with your fiancee or not it would be a loving gesture if you encouraged the relationship between him and his son rather that putting up roadblocks.  I wish you the best of luck.  PS...although I agree with most of what wannabefree writes I would caution you from thinking that children are baggage...they are not, they are a blessing.    

[RockRose]

Your story,  and "name" are very familiar.

I couldn't find your past posts in your profile,  but I'm sure you posted this exact story,  with the exact feelings,  months ago,  didn't you?  

Have things gotten better/worse/stayed the same since then?

[Melissa70817]

If it were me, I would put the wedding off until either you can come to terms with this or not.  If you marry him, this is going to be  your life.
First of all, if he just ended the relationship with her when he met you, I would bet it went on for a bit longer.  He was probably part of the child's life during that time, did he know he was the child's father?  If he didn't know, fine.  If he did know he was the child's father and was willing to sit back and allow some other man to raise his child, what kind of man is that?  If they dated for over 2 years, they had feelings for her.  Maybe he told her that if she didn't leave her husband he was moving on, when he met you, she probably freaked and left her husband.  If that is the case, they do have a chance of getting back together.  I can tell you my situation.
My ex of 9 years was cheating on me with someone else.  When I was 5 months pregnant he kicked me out of the house and moved her in.  They married not long after.  That was 13 years ago.  He still to this day tries to get back together with me while pretending to have the perfect family at home.  If I called him today and said lets do it, he would.  She would never have a clue that it was coming.  He had been married to this woman for 6 years and knocking on my door every single day.  I had to tell him that if he didn't leave me along I was going to tell her and call the cops.  
I guess what I'm trying to say is of course he still has feelings for her, being that he has a son he always will.  There is nothing you or anyone else can do about that.  His child, he is going to love no matter what.  When you have children you will understand what that kind of love is. There is no other love in the world like the love you have for your child.
If you have only been dating for 8 months, that is a very, very short time to decide to get married.  Do you think he was trying to make her jealous?  My ex tried the same thing with me after he kicked me out but I didn't fall for it so he had to go ahead and go through with the wedding.  He constantly cheats on her and she kisses his butt.  
I would be leery of marrying this man, not because of the child but because of the relationship.  Now that the child is thrown into the mix he will be seeing her more often, his feelings for her are going to grow and you might just be hurt in the end.  
As far as the child, it really isn't his fault and I can understand how you can be jealous and want everything, such as a child, to be new and exciting with you.  
If you cannot deal with him having a child, being a part of his life and being a part of his ex's life then I would suggest  you move on because they are not going anywhere.  Always remember, blood is thicker than water and if you continue to make a big deal  of it you will cause resentment towards you which will end your relationship.
You have a lot to think about.  I would be leery of their relationship and them wanting to become a family together and at this point I don't think you can believe anything he has to say.  Like another poster said, he will be paying child support which is a hard cross to bear also.  That will also bring up resentment towards him with you.  My ex pays child support and it sometimes pisses me off when we have no money and I see cash flowing to his ex but we can't pay the light bill.  
I would hold off on the wedding and do some soul searching........a lot of soul searching!!!!  If you need to talk let me know....I will not judge you on the way you feel about the child.  I have yet to date someone with children and like their kids.  Just being honest.

[Agiesmom]

I dated a man with a 2 yo once--I didn't know he had a child when I met him and I couldn't handle it--all the drama of the boy's mother bad-mouthing me, my boyfriend feeling too guilty to ever tell him "no", by boyfriend getting angry with me when I told his son to keep his seatbelt buckled (when he was in MY car).  Then I thought about the things you think about--how he already had those "firsts" that I have yet to experience.  Then I imagined the boy's mother saying, when the boy was 13 and out of control, "I've had enough--YOU take him!" and I'd imagine how I would handle that and thought about having to possibly put my own children through it all.  I realized that I couldn't do it.  And I moved on.  That's what I think you should do.

[katarina777]

I would not get married either in thew near future. And before, there were restraint set. The ex of your man's ex did not know that the kid was not his, so they had to be careful. Them his ex girlfriend who he has the kid with was his boss, and no longer is.

I think all the comments are great except the one opinion that the kid is not baggage. of course he is no matter how wonderful and innocent. Kids are really, really hard on couples even if they are the couples children and in a good marriage.  i don't think kids should be romanticized that way. I love my kids dearly but they are a pain in the butt often in the same way I am, and everyone is.

last, lazyleggs, if your feeling about not trusting your fiance are that strong, I don't think you should assume you are paranoid and unreasonable with your feelings, and that they are bad and that you should not have them.

Listen to your feelings and take them seriously. Your mind and heart may be trying to tell you something that you are not listening to and that you should be listening to.

[katarina777]

I also don't think there is any evidence that you have been projecting any negative feelings onto that boy. I have not heard you say anything that suggests you have a problem with the child at all, personally. You only said that you are thinking about your own children and that is all and totally understandable. So, don't take on any more guilt, OK?

[mami1323]

Ok, I may get bashed for this but I think you are being really unfair to this little boy.  I am with a man who has had 2 kids prior to our son so I understand some of the feelings you are having.  Like I knew that he had experienced child birth and his childrens firsts and it did bother me for a little bit but he didn't even remember it because his kids are older.  Plus, he didn't appreciate it as much because he was young at the time.  But you have to understand the boy is 2, your fiance missed out on the first 2 years.  Something that you will be able to experience with him.  He missed the birth, he missed the newborn years, he missed the first smile, the first giggle, the crawling, the first step and so many more firsts that he will get to experience with you.  He had those moments taken from him by this woman and don't you think that it makes him a special man to be happy about knowing he has a son.  What a great quality that he is wanting to be a father to this boy.  You should see him as an amazing person rather than think about how it will effect you.  Another man would run from this but he's willing to take on this role.  I think you should try and get close with this little boy.  Bond as a family.  Who knows, he may grow close to you and love you.  That love is amazing from a child, especially a child that isn't yours.  It makes you feel nice and warm inside.  I love my step kids and I LOVE the fact that they want to be with me and are close to me.  It's a wonderful feeling.  I say just stick by your man, this must not be an easy thing for him either.  Imagine not knowing you have a child for 2 whole years and then having that thrown at you.  Part of being married is standing by through the good times and the bad.  I guess I just feel that it would take more strength for you to stay and make it work then it would for you to run.  How much do you really love him?

[AHP84]

Actually, if you look back at some of the last posts by this young woman, her fiance was involved with his ex for like, six years. He knew they had a child together and she and he let the woman's husband believe it was his for the last two years (I feel sorry for the poor now-ex-husband and the child most of all).
This guy also lied to the OP about his relationship with this woman; the OP didn't know the extent of it until a few weeks after she was emotionally involved with him.

Lazyleggs: Personally, I don't know what you see in this guy or why you want to make a future with him. I definitely don't think you're a horrible person for having these feelings, but if you really want to marry this guy, you have to accept the child and the involvement with his ex that'll come with him. Those two issues are not going to drop off the face of the planet--they're permanent and very, very involving ALL the time.
If you want to take it all on because you love him, then go for it. If not, there's nothing wrong with moving on and starting over again with someone who will experience all the firsts with you...which sounds like the way you'd like to have it, and there's nothing wrong with that.
One way or the other, I'd definitely recommend postponing the marriage until you get this figured out for you.

[mami1323]

Thanks for clearing it up.  I thought that he wasn't aware that the child was his and that the woman had lied to all of them.  That makes things a whole lot different.  

OP - he is not a good guy then.  That is incredibly disgusting.  I can't believe that two people would lie like that.  I feel sorry for this child.  I think then your second guessing the relationship is a good thing and you should do what will make you happy.  I don't think he is commendable at all.

[shay75]

WOW...My BF has two 8 yr old sons and I have to say it was HARD for me to suck that up. (we're very happy now, but it took time - and I KNEW about them from the start) In my opinion you guys need to go into some serious counseling before you even consider marriage. He IS a cheater and a liar, even if he is also kind and generous & funny.. ?
: {  Sorry.  My main concern, beyond losing the "firsts" and the jealousy of him already having created a family without you in it, is the ex.
You can say he doesn't want her, and that he stopped sleeping with her when you came along; but she was/IS his best friend of over 6 yrs and at some point he found her sexually appealing enough to cheat with her. That would be of a MAJOR concern to me. In fact, sans the child, I would be uncomfortable with them having contact - so the fact that she is permanently in his life and has 16 more guaranteed years to work on him makes me very doubtful.
I am not an expert though, so I STRONGLY urge actually all THREE of you to go to a family thearpist so that all lines are drawn and clear. He can tell you anything he wants about what he and she say to eachother, but it doesn't mean it's true... From the mouth of a liar often spew lies.
So sorry, good luck.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I have to agree with everyone else.  I have always felt that if someone would cheat on someone else, why wouldn't they cheat on me?  So, I feel like if he would sleep with a married woman, that he could cheat on you on the future.

As for the child.......Just remember that it is not the child's fault and he is the totally innocent party in all of this.  He cannot make decisions for himself and is depending on all of these adults around him to do what is in his best interest.  And in all of this, he has lost (I assume) who he has known as his dad for the past 2 years.  How confusing and sad for a child.  My youngest child is 13 months old and adores her dad.  I cannot imagine if he was just not in her life all of a sudden.  If you truly feel resentment, that could be past on to an innocent child that never asked to be put here.  And that's not fair.  

So, just think long and hard about what you want to do and if you are ready to accept this child and his mother into your life, because he/she will be there for the forseeable future.  If you don't think you can handle that (in particular the ex), I'd move on.

I wish you the best of luck.

[lazyleggs]

Thank you so much for the wonderful, supportive (mostly) posts and advice!
I do want to clarify that no, I do not have ANY personally hurturl or resentful feelings toward the actual child himself. Not at all! It has nothing to do with him, he's an innocent little 2 year old boy. It's the fact of the matter. That's all.
And I know that by describing my fiance's past and relationship with his son's mother is going to inevitably make him sound like a horrible person... But... there's nothing I can do about giving off this one-sided, biased vibe about what kind of man he is. There's obviously more to him and our relationship but I understand how you all feel.
We have a lot to talk about.... I dont even know where to start in sorting out my thoughts and feelings about all this. I've been trying to write. But it's very very hard for me to really grasp what I'm thinking and what I want to say. I just have NO CLUE how to handle this. I truly appreciate any advice and thoughts you guys give. It really is nice to hear other people understand my feelings and have made it through things like this! Thank you so much.

[margypops]

If you cant accept this child now, you need to think of the child and not Marry him he needs a Mother for his son , not someone who feels resentful, the child wont be happy and he is important Let your Fiancee go to find someone who will take him and his child with Love in their hearts.Incidently being "Bummed" out ,your words in the first Post, does sound very resentful.

[katarina777]

Lazylegs is NOT feeling resentful of the child, in case you are still not aware of this.

[jo929]

I still believe that a man that has cheated behind another mans back would bother me, no matter how much i cared, remember it was a long affair, and he did not have any qualms about going behind, the mans back, than being up front about it, I do feel for the child it i not his fault, but i still think he is  to me that means he had no integrity, but i do wish you luck in whatever you decide, just do not mistake lust for love   luck  jo

[wannabefree330]

I didn't mean to say that children are baggage.  Just used that as a term meaning we all have things we carry around with us about our past.  The child is the innocent one here.  If you still feel negative feelings about the situation just make sure they are never directed toward the child.  It is the mother and father who are responsible for the situation.  What a convoluted situation it is!!!  I hope you can all come to an agreeable resolution for this.  Make sure you talk with your fiance about it though, if you don't that resentment will always be there and grow to something massive in later years.  Better to get it out in the open now.  I'm sorry this has happend to you girl.

[treazzure007]

it's completely understandable that you are a bit upset.  in fact, had you known the man had a kid when you met him, you may not have even taken things to the next level in the first place!  i know that when i was single i didn't date any men w/ children (though i did have one of my own-lol) so it's understandable that now that you both find out he has one, it's surprising and hurtful.  

the good news:
it's good that it's only 1 and though it may take getting used to i believe you'll find that as long as the other woman stays her distance, i believe that you'll find having the little one included in your lives will be just fine.  your fiance is your concern.  you just keep loving him like you always have

[lazyleggs]

Some of you wanted an update....
Well, my fiance met in person with his "ex's" husband to discuss what is best for the child. WITHOUT using her as a 'middleman' since they both came to find that she had been completely lying to both of them about EVERYTHING. So the two of them had a nice, civil conversation. My fiance found out that the husband actually wants to KEEP the children. He wants to raise them and be the father he has been for the last 2 years. Considering my fiance's and the husband's current situations, this is, without a doubt, the right decision and the best thing to do for the child. My fiance is ok with all this. Since meeting with the husband, he has told the crazy woman he doesnt want to have ANYTHING to do with her EVER again. He has changed his phone number, changed his email, and done everything else he can so she can't contact him. He has completely shut her and her family out of his life. And he's happy and relieved now.
Things have been good since then. I still can't help but worry. She is truly obssessed with him. We dont know what the status is of their divorce. The husband wants the kids and actually wants full custody. With that being said, it's my understanding that my fiance has no further or future connection with anything, even with the test results. Like parental rights, child support, etc. "SUPPOSEDLY" this is what I'm told. I honestly am looking to speak with a lawyer to further understand this 'law' or right or whatever it is... But anyways, that's the latest.... I've cancelled our planned wedding date and dont want to think about that at all for the near future. We need to redirect our attention and focus to OUR relationship now and hopefully things will work out. Thanks again everyone.

[mummy416]

i have just been reading every post here. at first i really felt for you, as i too have been in a situation where i had a stepp son, but he was much older, and was very nasty. i could not handel him and i removed myself, even though i was pregnant with this man's baby, i realsised that my relationship with this man, IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THE RELASTIONSHIP WITH A SON AND FATHER!!! you may love him, and he may love you, but this man seemed really excited to have this son in his life, and then all of a sudden he decides to never see his baby boy again.. i think that is very sad for the child.. it actually made me cry, it is good that the ex husband who has been like a father wants to raise him, but your partner is his father, and he should be in his life. i really dont want to sound nasty, trust me i have felt all the smae things as you, you are probably releaved that your life can go back to normal now, but what about the child's life? when he is older and he gets told his dad did not want him? i really feel for all of you.. please dont think i am having a go at you, i am just speaking for the child, as he does not have a voice in this.... please think about what this will do to the child, not just what is will do to you.... i wish you luck

[shenanigans87]

First of all, a parent-child relationship is sacred and you have no right to be upset that your fiance wants to spend time with his son.  It does not matter that he wasn't around for the first 2 years.  Not one bit.  He did not know it was his son, and now he does, and wants to do right by him.  Shame on you for not understanding that.

Secondly, if you are not ready to fill the role of a stepmother, than marrying a man with a child and a past is definitely not for you.  Especially if you're going to get jealous of the attention he gives to his son and his ex.  The rules of ex-hood are not the same when they share a child.  Parents need to communicate and see each other regularly... school plays, sports games, band concerts, birthdays, etc etc.  For the child's sake, they will need to be in regular contact with each other.  You should not marry a man and hope that his baggage will fade or go away.  This is a situation that will never go away.

And finally, the fact that your fiance was having an affair with his MARRIED ex is beyond troublesome.  How can you love a homewrecker?  I'm sorry, I could never see myself settling in with someone that came between husband and wife, especially when that situation is further complicated by a child!

I don't think you're ready for this relationship, and, let's be honest - do you want to be?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just sharing my personal opinion of the matter.  My parents were both divorced and remarried, and I know firsthand that dealing with steprelatives isn't easy.  Parenthood always, ALWAYS takes the front seat in those situations.

[mandy8]

i know exactly how you feel, I'm only almost 18 years old and im with a guy who has a 3 year old son and hes 21. Its akward for me and it *****. The babys mom is his ex gf for 3 years and and because of the baby they have to talk obviously and i know feelings for her never left because 2 months ago he did cheat on me with her i forgave him i know im stupid for that but i do love him but it scares me everyday that its going to happen again because he does see his son on saturdays. I feel the same way like i want my own family with him in the future, why should the pass matter why can't he move on with me? I want us to have both our first kid so we both experience being parents for the first time and him telling eveyone hes going to be a father not with some kid and women from the pass. It prob is a selfish thing but i understand how you feel 100%. Your scared that hes going to have time with the ex and maybe feelings will come back and the kid calling him daddy is weird when its not your kid im going through all of this now. I think you shouldn't have to deal with this like i shouldn't have to either. Maybe you should move on or maybe just try getting close to the kid maybe u will really love the kid to. If you ever want to talk my e-mail is  ***@**** and my sn is x3amandax3xo on aim.. i hope the best of luck for you.