Relationships Community
Troublesome EX
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Troublesome EX

I've been dating this guy for seven months now and I've about had it with his ex wife. When we first started seeing each other he told me that him and his ex wife have a great relationship, pretty much friends, they have two girls together. His ex wife just got remarried 3 months ago, after being with this guy for a year and they have a baby together that's a year old.
The reason they got divorced was because she cheated on him and got pregnant with another mans child. He didn't leave her. He stuck around and helped her raise this child until he was 2, then she divorced him. She quickly started dating guys left and right, moving them into her house, with relationships only lasting a couple months. Then she rekindled her love with her high school sweet heart and remarried 3 years after the divorce. My boyfriend has not had a serious relationship sense the divorce, at least not serious enough to introduce her to his children. All he had in his life were his two daughters and his schooling so he did whatever he could for her and the kids during that time. If she asked him to do something he would do it without questions asked, even watch all four of her kids while she went on dates. He was never rude when it came to her dating or remarrying, never got in the way or caused problems, pretty much just laid down for her. I bet she loved it because she could have her cake and eat it to, if her husband doesn't do it for her, her ex husband does.
Seven months ago he told her that we are becoming serious and he's going to introduce the kids to me, even sense then she's been evil. She's constantly throwing in his face that she never gets any alone time, even though she doesn't work, because she has four kids and he needs to help more. His kids are in elementary school, her other two kids are to young for school so, she stays home with them. He takes the kids at the times she schedules during the divorce and pays more child support  than the courts agreed on. She's constantly taking him away from our time we get alone, needing him to watch the kids or go shopping for her.
I try and be very respectful of her but it's getting hard and now I don't even know if the relationship is worth it. He's the perfect guy for me in every way but his ex wife.
She knows that I love her kids and doing activities with them and she purposing schedules them in classes, on his days. During the week he only gets them for 2.5 hours twice a week and a lot of it is their after school activities. I've done my research and there were times available when she had the kids.
We do favors for her all the time, even when she rudely springs things on us last minute, that we know  shes known about for weeks. My boyfriend says he's going to talk to her about it because I'm on the verge of leaving him if her shenanigans don't stop. I've never dated a guy with kids and I don't have any of my own. The only reason I was okay with being in a seri9ous relationship with him is because he is such a great guy and I though him and his ex got along but, I'm not okay with the drama, bickering and competing. Is this stress worth it?
Tags: ex wife
Related Discussions
6 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Is the stress worth it?  That is a question that only you can answer.  If this guy is as great as you say he is, now would be the very perfect time for a nice little sit down talk.

You let him know exactly how you feel about him, how much you enjoy the kids and exactly how much his ex-wife is killing the relationship between the two of you.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
He does sound like a really nice guy.  I don't know if he is too nice to his ex or not--------  he clearly loves those kids and feels obligated to them.  That is really wonderful and GOOD news for you.

This means that he values family and if he makes one with you, he'd be just as loyal and loving.  However, he comes as a packaged deal.  He's a dad to those kids (whether his bio kids or not) and sees that as important.

What you CAN do is talk to him.  What does he feel is an appropriate boundary?  Where is he willing to compromise?  That is what you have to work with.

One of the things I alway say is that it is best for two parents that are not together anymore to be really good friends and cordial.  I don't know if he is being walked on by her or not.  I do think that it is super tiring to be a stay at home mom of young kids  . . .  much different than just being home and a woman really does need breaks for that,  but she also has a husband that can chip in his time.  The last little one is the baby with the new man, right?  

Anyway, the best thing to do is to work on this issue with him understanding that if you make his kids out to be a problem to you or his ex, that he may become defensive.  So just talk in terms of having a good arrangement for EVERYONE.  And if he is unwilling to back off at all, then it is for you to decide if this is too much to handle.  

anyway, he does sound like a nice guy-----  hope he is also as kind to you!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
He's ALREADY a Parent and  He will be tied to this woman through the Children for many Years (and THEN He will share GrandChildren with Her)  He cannot control Her and since She has the Children She will be calling the shots to a large degree - it's not as if He has a lot of choice if He wants to be involved with His Children - She's in the Drivers Seat.  And then if He has Children with You, He's going to be pulled in 2 directions.  He's not likely to love "new" Children more than He loves the ones He already has - but He's going to be pulled between TWO women who are BOTH Mothers to His Children, BOTH probably wanting the most for THEIR Children.  He's already committed to the Children He has but You have the choice if You want to move forward and create more Children for Him to spread HimSelf around for.  

P.S.
Her other Children are Siblings to His Children, so those Children do figure into all this equation too.  You have a lot to think about.  Good Luck
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for all your feedback. I have a lot to think about. He plans to sit down with his ex and her new husband shorty and discuss the issues, it's just overwhelming at times and nice to have some advise from a non bias party.
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
All families have issues to some degree; blended, no kids, not blended, etc.
The question is are the problems in this situation "doable" enough for the poster to stick it out; is it worth hanging on.  Finding a man with no kids doesn't always equate less problems or that life will be "smoother" with him.

Unfortunately, your bf has really no boundaries in place with his ex-wife.  It's as if he still hasn't let go of his ex-wife.  Yes, they have children together, but he acts as if he still wants 100% involvement in her life.  Plus, the two younger children aren't his or his responsibility.

How does the ex-wife's new husband fit into all this?  What is he doing?  Better question....where is he?

What exactly is the visitation according the formal agreement?  Your bf needs to stick to that.  

Sounds like the situation lacks boundaries and organization period.  It is up to your bf to sort all this out if he wants a relationship because I can't imagine any woman putting up with this for long.  I am not sure a "simple talk" will change this.  I am thinking the ex might "turn the fire up" even higher.  She's pretty much "running the show" and he is allowing it.  He is running, skipping, dancing, etc. to her tune.  I am not sure if he even wants to change this or sees a problem because if he did this wouldn't be going on and for so long.  

Purely dysfunctional in my opinion.  If you stay, he will DEFINITELY have to change how he deals with this by implementing BOUNDARIES and ORGANIZATION.  He can't change her, but he sure can interact with her differently if he chooses to.  He is doing nothing but enabling her at this point and that is why all this continues.   Keep in mind this is not going to change quickly; may take a very long time to sort out.  

See what he says after talking with the ex and her husband and then keep your eyes open for any signs of change.  If there isn't, then I would assume move on and find a man with LESS going on in his life that is "doable" for you.  

Whether your bf is WORTH all this (the stress)....hmmm....only you can answer this; the question is too subjective for me or anyone else to answer.  Only you know what you can handle.  I will say if you don't like the level of drama, competing or bickering in regards to this relationship then I can't see you sticking this out.  

All the best.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
This whole amongst the group of you needs not be a disaster.  It can be worked out.  Although he does have kids with his ex, he also deserves to have a life and not be at every call of his ex.  

Talking to her and setting some ground rules is important, and everyone following the rules is tantamount.  Her asking you guys to watch the kids well in advance should not be an issue.  However, dropping the kids off at the last minute so she and her husband can go out is an issue.  It just isn't fair, and your guy deserves a right to have a life and deserves a little respect in those regards.

Unfortunately, he will have to deal with his ex probably for the rest of his life, but it can be done and done amicably.  There needs to be a mutual respect.  If there is not, he will continue to be at her every call.  That is simply not fair.  Now would be the perfect time for him, you and them to sit down and make some decisions.  Keep the kids out of this.  This is not about the kids.  This is about the adults.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
480448_tn?1403547723
Blank
nursegirl6572
PA