How do you trust someone who lies to you? My husband, has been lying to me about a relationship, supposedly platonic, he has been having with a female since Aug. Now he claims that he doesn't speak to her and that he is not lying anymore. Now he expects me to just not be upset and move on. But it is really hard. Some days for me are good, others are bad. It seems like every other day I start to think about the lies he told , I get upset, and confront him. So every other day, we argue because I mention the lies he has told, or I ask him if he has spoken to her or seen her. But It is just really hard to trust again Especially when he on so many occasions looked me in the eye and lied to me without blinking. Imagine you know that someone has been lying to you and when you confront them they call you crazy.Then you find out later that they really were lying. I just feel as if I have no more forgiveness to give- the well is dry. I gave him so many opportunities to tell me the truth.
It is just so stressful and heart breaking. I don't know if things will ever be the same.
It's very hard to trust someone who has lied. Believe me, I know. I don't think you will ever trust the way you used to once that has been broken. You can rebuild a relationship but it takes a lot of hard work. Even then, you will always have those thoughts in the back of your mind that he may be lying. Your husband had an emotional affair and that's not an easy pill to swallow. Here are what I believe are your options....you can 1. go to counseling if you choose to stay with your husband, 2. since you have decided to work things out, you must try your hardest to let it go and move forward, especially if he's trying his hardest to be trustworthy and 3. leave him and move on. You can combine 1 and 2 as well. By constantly bringing up his lies, you are just reliving what he did day in and day out, that will not help your marriage. It will make him irritated because you can't let it go and give him a chance and it will just bring the anger back for you and won't allow you to progress forward in a positive way. He can't take back what he did but he can continue to prove to you that he wants to make the marriage work. It's up to you to give him that chance if you decide that's what you want to do. You can control your own happiness here. You just have to let go and know that your relationship will never be the same, but it can be great again, you both just have to work at that. He's not going to be the man he was before, but you have to accept that and try to deal with who he is now. Or you can get a divorce and attempt to be happy without him.
That's the price he has to pay for being an unfaithful liar! I have absolutely NO pity for someone who whines about their spouse questioning their every move after something like that. He brought it on himself and HE needs to be the one kissing your feet instead of complaining that you are questioning his every move. I hate to burst his little bubble, but that's what he gets!
Your relationship will most likely never be the same but if you do want to work on it, counseling will be in the cards. He needs to figure out what was going through his head to make him be unfaithful and then you two need to work on it together. It's going to take time and a TON of work for both of you. You will need to ask yourself "Is he really worth it?"
I've been where you are and once I left him and moved on I was free to find a man who truly loved me. The difference in how each man treated me is night/day and I am so glad I woke up one day and said forget this!! It took me 7 years to make that call though and I wish I hadn't wasted that much time with someone who couldn't keep it in his pants but we go down our paths in life for a reason and my son was that reason. I realized that if a man is cheating on you, he does truly love you. True love is a wonderful experience and all that junk doesn't exist when it's the real deal.
I hope everything works out for you and please keep us posted.
Oh, lying and affairs of the heart outside of one's marriage are so hurtful and destructive. I'm sorry you have to go through the pain of that.
I would, however, think about this marriage. What problems existed before this happened in August. What are the problems between you two that you can work on. This is hard because now you are the wronged party. You have vindication on your side----- but the marriage had issues for this to happen. If he had instead of straying---- come to you and say "I'm not happy right now." You would have just worked on the marrital issues. His emotional affair (or whatever it was) was basically saying this. So, if you do decide to stay married to him and do counseling, I'd think about that and make that part of the plan.
I don't think, by the way ANTHING justifies cheating. Ever. Period. End of story. So don't get me wrong. He screwed up big time and you're doubting him and his honesty is normal. Looking a spouse in the eye and lying takes a lack of character. So, you will never feel the same about this man. He showed you that he CAN betray you without a thought. He showed that he CAN drop the seriousness of your marriage vows when he feels like it. So, I think you can tell him that you do have trust issues now and you aren't going to just get over them. You don't have to slap him in the face with it at every turn------ but communicating your doubts is honest. I'd be honest, if it were me. One thing I've seen couples do will sound wacky. The wounded party thought about something that the other LOVED to death (a boat, motorcycle, the title to the house, whatever) and they made the other party sign a contract that if they are caught lying, the deed goes over into your name. If someone is serious about not lying and being faithful----- they will sign that. If they hesitate----- that isn't a good sign. If I were trying to save my marriage after I screwed up, I'd do whatever the other person wanted me to.
So, I'd consider couples counseling (which will not be a walk in the park as he will be in the hot seat for what he did and you may not hear things you like), improving communication, forgiving him if you are staying (as the other's said----- it won't be the same, but you have to forgive to move on), and maybe that contract for extra reassurance. I wish you a lot of luck. That is all very difficult to deal with and painful.
Let's break this down. Maybe seeing from someone elses perspective:
* Issue is trust (Red flag)
* Husband had an affair (adultery). Stated platonic, but since he admited to lying, it
was an affair (Red flag)\
* Husband claims the relationship is over and that he is not lying anymore (He admitted
to lying right there in the statement).
* He is an adulterer, dishonest, untrustworthy, liar, opportunist, selfish, and high risk
for future infidelity and possibly bring home STD's. Who is he kidding and he dares
tell you to stop being angry and move on. I don't think so.
* You anger and feeling of unsettlement is completely justifiable.
* The foundation of a relationships are based on respect, communication and trust and
he crossed the line, by committing infidelity. Once trust is broken, it's very difficult to
regain, but possible, so there is hope, but it's all up to you. The ball is in your court on
what will happen in this relationship.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and his unexceptable behavior is not your fault, so do not blame yourself. You are an innocent victim here. He has also show you his true colors and his is high risk for infidelity, so you do have options. You can both go to either a marriage counselor or priest who are trained professionals to counsel marriages in trouble and to get to the root of the problems. You can show him his behavior will not be tolarated, inexcusable and unexceptable and seperate if he will not go to marriage counseling. You can make all efforts to forgive him. To forgive is a gift and I is divine. Not everyone can forgive and it takes a very special person to look past human faults, or never trust him again and file for a divoce. I do wish you luck and you do have many options, but remember that once trust has been broken, it's very difficult to build up again, but never permit him to ever disrespect you with infidelity again. Good luck,Judy
I have been where you are. I found about my husbands emotional affair the first week of August. I know your pain but we have decided to work through it. It has been 4 and 1/2 months and things are much better. I will say it was hard and I did make things worse by constantly bringing it up. He did allow me to vent and even knows why I am angry and realizes I do not trust him so he has made every effort to appease me but there are times he gets annoyed because I am still hurt but he understands. If you are willing to give it an other chance it will take work and time but it is achievable. My husband has given me his passwords to his email and fb accounts as well as the phone bill on line. I still check them periodically but not as often. I do question numbers on the bill but he understands. I am praying for you.
Lovemykids465- I don't think he gets it. He still keeps those ******* telephone numbers in his phone, which he hides from me. He acts as if I am the one who errored. He was supposed to be my friend, and he treated me this way. Honestly, I want him to be as hurt as I am.
EVERY day is a struggle for me. I am split: I love him and I hate him for this. I don't believe he will stop talking to this person. Right now I am just broken.
I wish I were as fortunate as you lovemykids465. Believe me, I gave him so many changes. I just want my old life back- I don't think it is possible anymore.
I am so sorry. I know your pain. I still feel it at times. I do not know if it will ever go away. Yesterday was a bad day for me too. I called him at work and I could hear her voice in the background. Really pissed me off. ( She works with him, she was trying to get him to sign off on some papers and was mad he was mad that he was on the phone and making her wait she was complaining) Any way bought back the feelings again.Went to a christmas party and found myself watching him to see if he was looking at any other woman ( was not ) but was mad that he was not giving me the attention I wanted ( I know that sounds shallow) any way caused a fight when we got home b/c when home he decided to pay bills and watch TV so I just went to bed. When he came up I threw it all up in his face again. I do not know why. Decided after holiday we would try a trial separation. But he called me crying from work today saying that is not what he wants and he realizes he is not there for me emotionally the way I need him to be. It really was just me being a *****. I have my days but he is patient with me. I did delete all the #'s out of his phone and still check.
If your husband is not remorseful or willing to meet your needs you may need to separate. Maybe it will wake him up but it may not you have to know when it is time to leave. Check out Mort Fetel on line. may help you.
Of course you have a hard time trusting him after what he has done, but have you forgiven him and decided to stay, if so i agree with miami you are going to have to quit bringing it up all of the time, or he will get tired and just leave if you want to leave leave and if you want to stay try not to bring it up, and just hope that he stays a good husband luck jo
What would that resolve? Its not going to make you feel any better or any less betrayed. All it will do is add more drama and problems to this relationship. If you chose to stay than go to counseling. If you aren't happy and don't think this marriage will work than leave. Revenge cheating never helps the situation it just makes it worse.
So get a girlfriend. You don't need to stoop to his level. If he is not meeting your needs than leave him and then you are available to meet someone else. u know how you feel believe me, my fiancé had a 2 year affair so I understand when you say you lost a friend. I had those thoughts of hurting him just like he did me but it wouldn't be me. Plus I allowed him to look bad and didn't make myself look equally bad. You have the power to make your own decisions just make sure that you can still look at yourself in the mirror and like who you are.
Anytime. You are not alone and your thoughts are completely normal. You've been hurt and when that happens you want them to feel the same pain. I have made my relationship work but it took a lot of hard work and I still struggle. Its still a new pain for you so it will take time. Good luck!
im sorry that he lied and cheated on u. he needs to understand that u have been on an emotional rollercoaster with the mess he has made. but u need to figure out is he going to be faithful and trustworthy to you. if he is try to to accuse him all the time. dont trust him til ur ready but if there is an issue that makes past issues be brought up do it in a way where ull b able to get ur point across as why u r asking these questions so hell understand that u r trying to trust him and he wont get all defensive where u think hes trying to hide something. see how its a vicious cycle that repeats itself? good luck to you both
Yes, we did get a bit of counsel but the web site helped me more. We did get a marriage work book too that we did together that helped alot. I agree if you want to work it out try not to bring it up so much. It only hurts you in the long run. I know what you mean about the friend thing. My husband was my BF i thought. I think that hurt even more. If you need to talk or even vent this is a great place to do it. I found myself having violent thoughts toward both of them so I just spent more time at the gym. Payed off in two ways. I wish I could say things will get better soon but it is a daily struggle of ups and downs but it does get better with time if you choose to forgive and let go. You will never forget and neither should he but you can not be his conscious. Believe me I tried it made things worse. Let time heal .
My husband has apologized and asked me to forgive him for lying. She says he only helped this girl,and nothing else happened.
I don't know if I can. I for gave him so many times. And for my trust he just lied to me. Now I am the point where I don't know if I can forgive him. I just don't know. It is very painful because I feel like I have lost my best friend. Every time I get close to forgiving him and feeling normal, I become afraid that he will betray me and lie again.
Why don't you both meet with a marriage counselor or a priest to get down to the problems within your marriage. If that does not work out, you need to do what is best for you and re-evaluate the relationship. He has broken trust and it's very hard to regain. Maybe a counselor might help. I want to wish you a happy, healthy, peaceful New Year. Hang in there!
I agree with Judy, it's time to start counseling. I found it very difficult to get through the beginning where I had those feelings. I still even now a year and a half later struggle with believing what he has to say. I sometimes wonder if he's still lying to me because he had gone so far to lie in my face many many times, why would this time be any different? Our counselor helped us a lot but it will take time to get to a good place again. It will take a while before you feel comfortable with him again. It can happen though if both of you are willing to work hard at it. Your husband has to be completely honest going forward though. I doubt it was as innocent as he says it is. I guess the only way to find out is to call the numbers and ask these women directly. Then you can get to the bottom of it. If you don't want to than just leave it alone and move forward. Good luck.
My husband is trying to be honest-but ....
I am still wary. He claims to be honest about the same things he was "honest" about before. In reality he was lying. He does however, report about his whereabouts, and it seems like he wants to make things better ( or maybe he is tired of my complaining). But I am still untrusting . It is very hard.
Of course you are trust takes time to rebuild and so it will be awhile before he can prove himself to you. You will never trust him the way you used to buy if he keeps trying you may be able to work through the issues.
I know Mami. It is just so hard. I am also afraid to trust him. I feel like if I trust him now or go with trusting instincts that the underlined issue will be diminished. I want him to understand that lying is wrong-sometimes I don 't think he gets it. I told him that I don't trust him. I think he is just tired of my complaining or tired of me asking if he has spoken to these two *******. I told him that everything that he does I will do too-he did not like that too much. It is almost a joke now: every time he tells me something related to this issue I think " you're a ****** Liar ( pardon my language), and a part of me laughs at the absurdity of the situation.
Anyway, How are you Mami. Previously you mentioned that I could pm you. What does that mean? How do you message on this site? Is it possible?
It means you can send me a Private Message. Up to your top right hand side you have an inbox, you can send messages back and forth without people seeing. I will send you a message and you can reply back.
I understand how you feel, your trust has been broken. That takes time to repair and it only gets rebuilt if the party who broke the trust is willing to do whatever it takes to fix what was ruined. I still have days where I doubt my fiance but in order to continue in the relationship and to try to make it work, you have to also try. You have to let go a little and just have faith. If he messes up again then you know what you have to do. You can't live in misery.
Just been catching up here. I so know how you are feeling. It has been almost 6months for me and my husband is still sticking to his story. Maybe he is being honest but like you I caught him in so many lies in the beginning that it is hard to know what to believe. I have tried tricking him into giving me info but the answers are always the same. I look at it this way at times. I love my husband and am angry and hurt that he did this to me, to us.Yes, in some ways things are better but why couldn't we have gotten there without this! Because like you, it is always there to remind me I was not enough, not good enough, not pretty enough whatever. So I can let my anger eat at me and let it destroy our marriage, end it and watch him move on and be happy eventually with some one else and wallow in my anger and bitterness and be miserable and un trusting the rest of my life which would probably hinder me in any future relationship or I can choose to work through the hurt and pain, not easy, and really be with the person I truly love and build an even better relationship then we had before. I know how you feel. I tell my husband , I wish I would have an accident that would cause me to forget the past then I could be happy but he said then I would forget why we fell in love to begin with.
Try to talk to him about seeing a councilor. You may find out he is hurting too. If your like me you will want him to hurt! It really helped us.My husband gets annoyed when I bring it up and that I still let it eat at me but when he really thinks about it he understands. I still check up on him and ask him questions.It bugs him but oh well. He said last night when I mentioned that maybe I needed to go back to council b/c I was just am having a hard time and should be moving on, that he did not think I did but if I want to that was ok. But that it was still only 6 months and it takes time. His parents died when he was 12 and he said it took a long time to heal from that and that even though someone did not die that part of our relationship did,my trust for him and my security. We have our good days and bad days but talking them out helps.
I understand how you feel. It is hard. But always remember that you deserve an honest, truthful mate.
I do sometimes want him to feel what I feel. But it is so painful. that I don't want to wish it on anyone. It is hard- I completely agree with you. Actually, I believe that what you do to others will happen to you in an even larger degree: that said, these men and the B*itche*s involved should and will experience this- only worse. I don't want to lose the one I Iove, but I am damn not going to settle for anything less. I told my husband that if I find out that he is still communicating with these ******/scanks in any form, I will leave regardless of when it happens- one hour from now or 200 years from now.
I am pissed and not going take this any more. People will be held accountable. Including those two B*itche*s - who suddenly stopped calling my house or my husbands cell after I answered the phone one day. IF I find anything out, I am gone.
My husband thinks I am his father confessor. He told me that one of the b********'s called, but he did not answer. she called last week and the week before. When I asked him why he did not tell me; He said he did not think I could handle it ( I think) either that or I would be upset. I told him that I am not going to call him or come home ( I travel for work) until he learns how to tell the truth. I told him to call me when he learns. I am not going to be the same PassionFlower. I blocked those b********'s telephone number from calling our telephones.
My husband suddenly decided that he does not want to communicate with these women. He suddenly changed his "secrete" phone number's number.
He doesn't want to take their numbers out of his phone- he wants to know who calls- I guess he doesn't have their numbers memorized. I do....
I am just not going to talk to my husband. I think it is best. I am really very angry.
I am just afraid that I will never be able to trust him, and I will have to end our 10 year relationship. I feel a little sad.
Do you think I was correct in blocking these women from calling my husband?
I blocked the women who have been calling my husband- the same ones who he has lied about to me. Do you think that was the correct action?I have never told them not to call. I just think that they know what they are doing when they call and that I don't like them. On Christmas Eve I just got fed up and answered my husbands phone when the daughter called. Suddenly she had nothing to say- to me. She wished me a merry Christmas; when I wished her a happy New year, she responded, "New Years is not until next week". I said happy new year anyway" She doesn't celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving- so why does she have to call?
I am trying to heal. Sometimes it is hard- especially when I think how this girl's mother told my husband that her husband doesn't touch her anymore,l and she needs help finding a divorce lawyer and that she will divorce her husband (later she told her daughter that she is not going to divorce her husband; the daughter told my husband).It is also hard when this girl says things to my husband like, "what is she (referring to me) doing her"? My husband told me all of this. I can deal with these women; It is just hard to deal with my husband lying to me.
I don't want to appear to be the jealous wife, but the mother-B***** already said something to my husband about it. She asked him when she called once, if he could talk (she was having an affair in her warped , materialistic,little mind). She, I think she was just trying to play a games (make me look bad and herself like the poor innocent woman with the sick daughter). I think she just wanted to find a rich man who could pay for her life, and dump her current husband.
I really feel disrespected. I feel that one of them ( the mother ) wanted to steal my husband, but was unsuccessful.
I just think I was taken advantage of, and I was too tolerant. -What could I do really, I was lied to . I did the best I could- I think....
I don't want them to call. I don't like them, and my husband won't tell me if they call-even though he does not answer their calls.
All I know is God is good. God can see this all hurting. One day every person will pay off by God. I always pray to God to come every marriage. Specially people are not fitfully. I been this situation but I believe every thing has expiration date. I am awaiting God. I strongly believe God know inside every single person. One day is God day no one stands on that day. God is good all the time. My dear sister looks your children and be a module when they grown up they will know what kind of mother or father they have. I read every single word posted. It is so hard to deal and to trust but God know and again I would like to say strongly nothing is hide from God eye. Be faithful to your husband and again God has a way to pay back. I know God will punsh how every doing wrong. God bless you God is with you all the time do not worry. You can handle by grace of God
I Feel so bad for any woman who has ever had this happen. Iv been thru all this sh** myself and it tore me up inside. When I first started dating my husband (3 years ago), I thought everything was great. After a few weeks, I noticed he would ALWAYS have his cell, and would guard it with his life. I finally asked him who he was always texting, and he said just some friends. These friends just happened to all be women he had met online. I was a little surprised, but I just thought whatever... Then one night I stayed at his house, and he forgot his phone at home when he left for work. He called me from work and said to turn it off so the battery didnt die. Ya, like im going to turn it off. I looked thru it and found tons of flirty messages to multiple girls. I wouldnt talk to him for days, and I finally told him... I was young and stupid I guess, cause I beleived him when he said he would stop. Well, he didnt stop. About 7 months ago, I was looking at our phone bill, and saw like 10 pages of texts to one number. I text the number, and it was a girl about 20 miles from where we live. I asked her who she was, and she said she met him on a live phone chat line. I was furrious, and threatened to leave him... to this day I still dont trust him. Was I stupid to marry him? maybe.
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