Trying to jump start our intamacy

[knucklehead247]

Hi, I am a happily married 36 yo male and have been married to my beautiful wife for 11 years.  However there is a major sexual issue going on.  Heres some history.  My wife was sexually abused as a child.  That being said it has never been a serious issue in our sex life.  With that said it has hindered our ability in different ways to please each other. She has explained to me how awkward it is to perform certain types of felatio, and I understand that, but over the past two years she has struggled with vaginal dryness, to the extreme.  (She has had a complete histerectimy due to endomitriosis)  we've tried all sorts of lubes but to no avail it hurts her to have intercourse, so I have stopped asking.  It has completely taken her out of the mood.  We have discussed this on occasion, she asks if I am OK and I tell her I will wait until we figure something out, I love her, she's my best friend.  Its been nearly two years since our last intimate contact, and I am going crazy.Once again we've discussed this problem I offer alternative solutions for both of us to include a medical GYN check up which she did, and they suggested estrogen but that raises the risk for breast cancer and she would be at a high risk for that. Is there any other safe drugs approved by the FDA on the market that the doctor may not have menitioned because of liability concerns?  Also she is not comfortable with other forms of sexual release and feel guilty if I pressure her, because then the intamacy is not really there.  Now she is begining to worry about my fidelity, which has been rock solid, but my thought life is begining to get pretty competitive. Any suggestions??? for either of us???  Thanks

[Jennifer1987]

Id bet my life on it that thats the problem. they have all the physical possibilities ruled out.... tried so many other things, many counselling would solve this issue and help them move forward!!!

[Judy246]

Jen, I agree with you, possibly post traumatic effects. If she has not received proper counseling for the sexual abuse, she is "damaged goods" so to speak and effecting her ability for normal intimacy....just a thought and possibility to problem.

[Jennifer1987]

I think Judy just hit the nail on the head there!!! Has she recieved counselling for the abuse she went through??

This could be a factor contributing to the issue.. I was watching a peogramme on tv one night A documentry following a couple who had the exact same problem as ye. His wife was sexually abused as a child and all of a sudden after years of marriage is unable to have sex. Same as the way you described it.. They went on and had counselling and after a while solved the issue and stated that they were able to have sex again.

The problem might not be physical but all "mental", the subconcious mind is deadly.. She might be re-experiencing what she went through as a child in her mind and as a result is "afraid"... It happens and I think worth your while looking into it...

Good luck too you and your wife!

Jen x

[Judy246]

Has she seeked counseling in the past over her abuse?

[knucklehead247]

Thank you.  We have heard of that before, just didnt know it was sold at CVS, I'll have to look, Iam always leary of medicines online, unless its f PETMEDS for the dog, then its always way cheaper.  When I get home I'll have to give it a shot.  Thank You

[iam1butterfly]

At the risk of sounding like a commercial sound bite.... there is a product for gynecological support that I highly recommend. It's called Lavada and, it can be obtained from an online source and, at CVS drug stores... at least, it's available at the CVS near my home. Anyway, what I like about this herbal, multi-vitamin supplement, is that it has several beneficial qualities. One, is that it helps to promote vaginal wetness. Another, is that it improves the odor... and "taste" of vaginal secretions. And, I've noticed that it is something of a subtle aphrodisiac. It's a bit pricey at about $25-$30 for a 30 day supply. But, it's the best non-prescription product of its kind, that I know of.

[knucklehead247]

At this point it would take me, .2 sec max, a stiff wind might even do it, but divorce is out of the question, we've invested so much of our time into our marriage we love each other.  Who else would put up with me?? LOL.  This is just a rough patch, the desire is there for both of us, trust my we practically bought stock in KY, astroglide, still painfulfor her and made me feel really awkward presuring the woman I love to do something painful at the expense of my pleasure.  In my post I was asking for ideas an alternative prescription medication that might make this more enjoyable for the both of us.  Estrogen isnt that safe, there has to be something, like they say if there is a will there is a way.

[RockRose]

I think you've reached a crossroads with it,  and it might be time to tell her you're not actually okay with it.  

She obviously has some physical limitations on what you can do,  so a very long protracted session of sex would be painful so some stuff is off the table.  

It used to be that women euphamistically called this their "wifely duty",  but there's really something true at the core of that.  Women in general don't want sex as much as men do and in fact many could live without it but I think few men can,  and it was recognized that men actually need sex and don't just want it.  So it was grounds for divorce back in the day when there wasn't no fault divorce,  you had to have legal grounds that your covenental contract was broken.  

This is your decision.  I think a pertinent question to ask her is,  is she very comfortable being done with any kind of  sex for the rest of her life,  or is she actively  hoping to reach a point where you can return to a sexual relationship.  

Honestly,  if you use enough lube and you're fairly quick about it,  it's hard to believe that it was be very painful.