So I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He has a 2 year old son from a previous relationship who I love like he was my own. I love my boyfriend to death but he's driving me absolutely nuts. He does live over an hour away so when I visit him I usually stay for a couple days to a week. He's been extremely clingy lately and by that I mean he calls me about 10 times a day, if I don't answer my cell he'll keep calling or call my house phone. Or if we're on Facebook and I don't answer (I don't sign out since I have my own computer) he'll message me about 5 times, then message me on yahoo, then call me. It's getting really annoying but this situation kinda su*ks. Last year, he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. He did the chemo, now he's going thru radiation. I'll feel horrible leaving him at this time. And with having a kid involved, not only would the break up hurt us, but it would hurt his son too. (His son is constantly asking for me and talking about me, granted he'll be 3 in October, I don't want to hurt him). Any suggestions?
Hi there and welcome. Well yes. That would annoy me big time as well. You call once and then not again otherwise it is intrusive to keep calling someone's house . . . even if it is your significant other. I have done that in an emergency situation with my husband---- kept calling his cell phone. BUT, it was only a couple of times to get his attention that it was an emergency.
So, tell him that you'd like him to call less. That you certainly will contact him back when you have a chance and can do so and give him your full attention. He can have a signal if it is ever a real emergency (like my husband and I do)--- he calls 2 times in a row or something like that. but otherwise, call once, leave a message and you'll call back as soon as it is a good time. And the first few times he does this, try to call back sooner rather than later.
Ugh, does he not have a lot going on in his life where you are the center of it (besides his child)? I'd encourage him to find friends, hobbies, get ambitious for work, etc.
Well this is a bit confusing to me. On one hand you say you love him to death and the other you dont want to talk to him as much as he wants to talk to you. Maybe he is scared about his cancer and is reaching out to you for comfort. When a person faces possible death they need more grounding to the physical world. When i was told about my cancer my mind was fleeting to the spiritual realm and the only way i could focus on life was communicating with those that were not walking my path.
I am an Oncology nurse, and believe me patients go through an ARRAY of emotions and feelings. I am sure he is completely overwhelmed and afraid for his future and for his son if he doesn't get through this alive.
You are overwhelmed as well.
I wouldn't break things off without discussing how you are feeling with him.
Try putting yourself in his proverbial "shoes." He isn't facing an easy situation at all......he could be facing death. Try to keep this in mind.
Londres, thank you that was put well. I believe a person has to go trough or be a nurse as yourself to truly understand the depth of this. Its not just being diagnosed that is troubling or even the treatments. Just sitting in the treatment waiting room can be a life changing experience. Talk about gloom! I remember to well the other people waiting, some with lung cancer, other with brain and even sat next to, and tried to cheer up one young boy with eye cancer.
The only pleasent moments came from comparing whose was worse than whose.
He's been like this since BEFORE he was diagnosed with the lymphoma. We have talked about it before but I see no improvement. He's 29 (almost 29) and he acts like he's still in high school sometimes. He lives with his aunt, her two daughters and his 100% blind 78 year old grandfather. The doctors say he CAN work since he's not having any effects from the radiation. But it just seems like he's too content sitting on his butt on the computer or watching tv. But he said it himself... He doesn't see himself changing. It's slightly aggravating -_-
Well......not sure why are you still with him if there wasn't any change.
Secondly......I am not sure how many employers would be so welcoming to hire someone going through rounds of radiation. He may seem ok for now, but who is to say how he will be tomorrow or next week. Patients can become very tired and their immune systems are compromised. Usually, it ISN'T encouraged for a patient to go actively seeking a job while he is completing cancer tx. If he was working somewhere already before this and his employer was open to working around his situation I could understand that.
I would do him and yourself a favor and end this. Sounds like you loathe him more than you love him. You can't change anyone, however, you can change your situation by leaving. After reading your other posts, you have had some other issues in this relationship as well.
I think you've already "checked" out of the relationship. Talk to him and just simply tell him it isn't working out for you.
I do not loathe him. I loathe his actions/behavior sometimes. Yes when he "has" to "blow up" my phone(s) and Facebook it drives me nuts but when we're physically together, things are different. He isn't so clingy. Also, I told him about a month ago that he has 2 months to change. We've had many talks but whenever I even HINT at a break (meaning, a day or two to think everything thru) he freaks out and starts saying that "he'll drive here just to talk to me" or "he'll do something stupid." This whole thing is a mess. I do love him, I really do, it's just his actions lately are driving me crazy. I feel like I can't do anything without him having to call/message, etc every 15 minutes. Like I said in my post, it's complicated with a child involved. I love his son like my own.
You say You "love Him, You really do" and You "love His Son like Your own" but it doesn't sound like You have a lot of compassion for His illness. I get that You say He was like this before He was diagnosed but, the fact is He already had lymphoma before He was "diagnosed" with it. So, it seems You could cut Him some slack. I spent 24/7 for many months with a person who was very dear to me, who had lymphoma and went through chemotherapy and radiationtreatment. This is a very serious diagnosis and the treatment is serious for those who are living it - have You heard the term "chemo brain"?? and side effects from radiation are not a piece of cake either.
Perhaps You need (want?) more than He can give right now, but by the same token, maybe He needs more than You can give - especially through this time of His illness and His treatment. This is certainly a very vulnerable time for Him.
First you state...."He's been extremely clingy lately and by that I mean he calls me about 10 times a day, if I don't answer my cell he'll keep calling or call my house phone." Then, you go to mention that this behavior existed before his illness. I am confused about that.
I guess I am just not reading "compassion" when I read your posts. For example, for someone to say....."The doctors say he CAN work since he's not having any effects from the radiation. But it just seems like he's too content sitting on his butt on the computer or watching tv." This man is battling cancer and you are worried about his employment? Do you realize how mentally, physically and emotionally draining having cancer can be? Then, you are bringing up EVERY short-coming he has at this time. Now is not the time for all that.
Well, apparently he isn't going to change and you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. He has TOLD you this according to your statement...."But he said it himself... He doesn't see himself changing. It's slightly aggravating -_-" You've been directly TOLD this.
I am not sure what you are really seeking here. When and if you start "loathing" someone's actions it is probably time to re-evaluate the relationship, i.e. deciding whether you are going to stay and put up with this or leave. If you are asking for ways to "change" him that isn't going to happen.
You have two choices....stay and deal with this or leave.
I understand there is a child involved, however, that SHOULDN'T be the "deciding" factor if you stay or go. You are just bf/gf......not husband/wife.
"This whole thing is a mess." I AGREE 200%.
If I was gravely ill and then my bf was complaining about "this and that" that I NEEDED to do and/or NEEDED to change I probably would be re-evaluating my relationship ASAP (that's not in a good sense).
If you can't bare this anymore( texts, phone calls, etc.) and you have seen ZERO improvement......leave. That's my advice.
To give him an ultimatum to "change" in the middle of cancer treatment is.....well....heartless. You are totally lacking the compassion needed to handle this situation. You are putting your needs and desires before his, and right now he IS very needy. He needs someone who will be patient, reasuring, and who would WANT to give him all the extra attention and time they could, so that he could have some emotional support. Even if he WAS like this a little before his diagnosis, the cancer changes everything. No longer are you talking about little irritating personality traits. You're talking about someone who is probably scared out of his mind.
He's a young man, with a young child, fighting cancer. That is terrifying. Of COURSE he is needy, and for you to ask HIM to change isn't right. The person who needs to change isn't him.
I too think you should leave him so that he can possibly find someone with compassion and understanding. He needs all the support he can get, not someone to make him feel guilty for reaching out for reassurance and support when he needs it, even if it WAS 20 times a day. Relationships are about sacrifice. Being annoyed is a sacrifice you could make to unconditionally support him. I agree that you've had your mind made up for a while, the only thing keeping you in the relationship is guilt, and that isn't fair to anyone. Be honest, tell him it just isn't working and that you want him to find someone better suited for him.
Im sorry but i agree completely with nursegirl...thats just cruel and he deff isnt the one who meed to change. How can u sit there and say its annoying that he calls u 20x a day when he has cancer. My fiance who ive been with for almost 5 yrs almost died last year from kidney failure...i gave up my career and dropped out of college for him because i TRUELY love him. I was told that they didnt think he would make it. I drop out of college with only 2 months left and gave up my career to sit next to him in a hospital bed every day for 3 months straight from 8am to 8pm 7 days a week. I knew that i couldnt do anything for him and thought thr i was gonna loose the person who i love and want to soend my life with and have choldren with but i know that me sitting by his side everyday even is medically i couldnt do anything it still meant the world to him ad made him feel a million times better knowing i was by his side. I would never at that point ask him to change anything. He was scared outa his mind about to die. I made sacrafices because thats wht u do when u love someone and u know wht he deserves a whole hell of a lot better than you. I cant understand how a human can sit there and say something like that about someone whose suffering from cancer and has a young child it honestly upset me because of wht i went through with my fiance and to think that someone could say something like that.....ur the one who meeds to change an learn to actually love n care about someone cuz u obviously have no compassion for him but saying hes annoying when all he wants is u by his side cuz he probably scared to deth. Thats just cruel in too many ways to say
There are side affects to Radiation even if it doesn't show up Physically. Radiation is very taxing to the Body, to the Mind and to the Emotions.... and most certainly, there are side effects to the therapy of chemo, side affects that linger after treatment.
The "diagnosis" of cancer also has Emotional and Mental "side affects", not to mention a Person is ill for some time before the diagnosis is made. One doesn't become ill "after" a diagnosis, but then to add chemo and radiation to the mix, complicates the situation further.
If You can't "be there" for Him (for better, for worse) then, You would do both of You justice by moving on. If You decide to do so, it would also be a good idea to seek a BoyFriend who doesn't already have a Child. Children are hurt too when They have become attached and the relationship fails. I truely feel a Child should not be introduced to a "potential" relationship until both parties are convinced "this is it"
I hope You are still reading these responses.
Good Luck to You and to Him and His Child.
The emotional side effects from radiation were something I totally didn't know existed until my best girlfriend had radiation treatment. She was getting ready to get married, and I was in her wedding, and we never had conflict. One evening, when she was going through her final few radiation treatments, out of nowhere she accused me of trying to steal her fiance! I was appalled and crushed all at the same time. The next day, I wrote her an email deeply apologizing for whatever I had done to give her that impression, and that I would never think of doing something like that. She responded that I should just ignore her, she knew I didn't do anything, and that the radiation treatments were messing with her head and emotions. A couple of times after that, she had emotional breakdowns, but it really helped to understand that they weren't really "her".
Perhaps understanding what he's going through and at least being patient through the treatments will help. But, if you're not willing or able to do that, it's probably best to break it off.
There's no need to bash me. Seriously. I know there's other "side effects" from radiation. Unfortunately I've had many family members with different types of cancer. It hurts me too y'know. We live over an hour away from each other. Yes I realize that I should accept the fact that he wants to talk to me all the time, but calling me literally every 20 minutes is what's bothering me. He doesn't get that I'm busy sometimes or unable to get to my phone. I do call him every morning to see how radiation went (he gets there at 9am and is home by 11am). I'm not as "heartless" as I sound. But when his own aunt says that he's "always been clingy and up someones as*" then it's not just cause he has cancer. He'll be 29 in August. So he's not "that young."
Anyway, we've decided to take things slower. We talked for a couple hours last night. And he agreed that we rushed into it too fast. We still talk on Facebook whenever we see each other online, he calls me about 5-10 times and we talk for 30minutes-1 hour.
Thanx for sharing this and I'm SO glad You came to understand that Your Friend was not being "herself". I'm glad for You and for Her as well.
You didn't say, but I hope all is well now with Your Friend. There are more "survivors" today than ever before BUT, still and yet, a cancer diagnosis is often a death sentence and NOT a diagnosis that ANYone EVER wants to hear!! Just the diagnosis puts One in a "tail spin" and then the treatment is a terrible journey for the sufferer. As hard as Our role might ever become, it is still yet easier to be "supporter" than to be the One who has the cancer and the One who is going through the treatment.
Again, I hope Your Friend is Well.
That being said, did You come here only looking for agreement of Your perception of the situation, or did You come asking what Others might think?
We ALL differ in Thought, Opinion, Exprerience, etc. Ultimately, You get to decide what is right for You no matter what response(s) You get. Take what is useful to You and don't worry about what is not. I always find it curious that One might take offence at a (any) response. We don't know One Another , it is NEVER a Personal Judgement. We only have Your inititial question, problem, issue (whatever You want to call it) that We comment on. Nothing Personal!! I Promise it's not!!
It's Your Life and You Get To Live It Your Way, No Matter What I Think.
LeeAnn, she had stage 0 breast cancer, so they caught it quickly and eradicated it. She's doing great, and I did learn a lot about treatment during her ordeal (it took 3 surgeries, unfortunately).
Kayla, I'm glad to hear you're working things out. If another person's communication frequency needs don't match yours, it can be very difficult. It may be one of those things that you either have to choose to accept, or move on. I was once with someone for a couple of years who had more free time than I did, and felt the need to "connect" with me a lot more often than was comfortable or possible for me (during work hours). It got to the point where it was stressful for me - I felt an overwhelming pressure to be glued to my cell phone. In the end, it just didn't work out, but I hope he's found someone who fits his needs, as I certainly have. Breaking it off if it's just not working is hard, but might be the best decision for BOTH of you in the long-term.
If you're saying that he was so-called "clingy" before all of this then it is something that you've known for a long time. I'm wondering why you ever got together in the first place when it's clear you're not compatible for that reason alone much less others that you have brought up here as well.
Chima makes a good point. If he's been like this all along, this was not anything new.
My point was, obviously, with what he's dealing with at this point, now isn't really the appropriate time to make demands on him to change. And, 29 is very young for someone with cancer. It's awfully hard for someone at that age to have to face their own mortality. I'm not sure you understand the gravity of that. While your concerns are vaild, it's a lousy time to decide it's "too much" for you...when he's been like this from day one.
I'm glad to hear you both agreed to take a step back. I think that's for the best. Obviously if these traits of him were present from the beginning, he's just that type of person. One should never enter into a relationship with something that bothers them that bad, with the hopes their partner will change. That isn't fair to anyone involved.
I sure hope your BF makes a full recovery..prayers coming his way.
I guess the only reason why it made me feel that way was because I've never really had a boyfriend care about me this much. I know he only does it because it's our only way of communicating until we're physically together and because he loves/cares about me. These past 10 months feel like 10 years. We still talk throughout the day but we've both decided that we need to not only focus on each other but on (getting) decent jobs and the welfare of Brandyn. I realized I was wrong and I apologized to him for that.
UPDATE: The doctor said that he may only need 2-4 more sessions of radiation. The mass in his chest has reduced dramatically( he's only been going through radiation for about a month).
Well, that's wonderful news! I hope he continues to get better!
As for the other stuff, no doubt something like that WOULD be enough to drive you nuts...MY only point was, it's just not the best time to deal with it now...it's something you probably should have brought up much sooner, not only because it needs dealt with, but also because the longer it was allowed to go on, the more it gets under your skin...it festered, you know?
It's just such a rough time to bring up that kind of discussion, it really does seem trivial, considering the big picture with him. I think being honest with him is okay, just do it very gently, and make sure he knows you're NOT talking about any of his emotional needs as far as him being ill...that obviously, where that's concerned, you are open to his communication any time, as much as he needs. It's just that the other times, he's a bit "intense" and just tell him to give you a chance to get back to him.
Everyone is under a lot of stress right now, this kind of illness affects everyone, so just choose your battles wisely. I think, right now, you can probably give a little and try to let some of that go. You also could be feeling a lot of emotions due to him being sick, and they're coming out as this irritation. Could be. We act in strange ways when under a lot of stress.
I just spent the week with him and it was like we never got into any type of argument. I love being with him. It's constant laughs, giggles, and just being ourselves. The reason I didn't bring it up before he got sick was because he was diagnosed only 2 months of dating him and that's not really enough time for someone to "show their true colors" but we worked out some things while I was visiting. =]
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