Relationships Community
Very complicated matter
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Very complicated matter

I am in a very complicated situation. I have dated this girl on and off for 18 months and when things go well, the relationship is awesome. But unfortunately, it was a very tumultuous relationship that had several arguments and breakups. It was very dysfunctional but 1 thing is certain, we love eachother very much. The breakups were mostly a result of our poor communication skills as we let arguments escalate further and further. The last breakup was our longest and in the meantime, I met this wonderful girl whom I started seeing. While I like this girl, I am still very much in love with my ex.
My ex and I still text eachother and she admitted that she can't live without me and that each day, she goes to bed crying. I feel the exact same way.
I had already recognized my mistakes in the relationship before and she sent me several text messages saying how much she took me for granted and knows exactly what behavior she needs to change so we can last forever.
I miss her very much and never told her about this new girl because if she learned, she would be very hurt and would stop talking to me for good!
While many would say to just get back with my ex and work on our differences, the issue is that the new girl has moved in with me out of necessity.
A few months ago, she followed her roomate's stupidity by trying heroin and got a habit.
I got her out of that environment that was leading her to ruining her life. She actually urged me to get her out of there. She moved in for 2 weeks now and have quit the heroin after a painful 5 days. She has gotten very attached to me and I like her very much as well but my feelings are with my ex.
If I was to let her out, not only does she have nowhere to go cause she abruptly broke her lease but I am pretty certain she would relapse as this is still fresh.
This is a very tough situation for me to deal with and has taken a significant toll on me. I wish I could just openly tell both girls the situation but they will both be devastated and that would be the last of my intentions.
Please advise
7 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
No matter how much you like the role, sometimes being a rescuer is not workable.  The drug user needs to be strong enough to stay out of the life, and you need to understand that you cannot make this happen nfor her, hard as you try.

I'd break it off with the recent drug user, and gently or not so gently encourage her to move on, back in with family or with friends or even her grandparents, while she finds her feet.  Then I'd sit a bit without anyone -- without the old girlfriend or the new one or anyone -- and just have some time to find yourself.  It sounds like you could stand to know who you are without an overly dramatic relationship going on full of bad communications, or an overly dramatic rescue relationship.  Tell your longer-term girlfriend that you care but want to have some time to just sit.
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
I am seeing a common thread here......you are drawn to relationship full of drama and dysfunction.  This is something you should further explore by yourself in my opinion, in other words WITHOUT a girlfriend.  Sounds like you are gravitating to Codependent relationships.  

Secondly, you aren't responsible for anyone else's well-being in this situation or their happiness.  

You need to muster up the courage and strength and tell BOTH girls the truth of the matter and let the cards fall where they may.  If you keep things "status quo" you will ONLY be living a lie and it really isn't fair to these girls to not tell them the truth.  If the ex doesn't want to speak to you anymore or this other girl relapses with Heroin use after you tell them the truth then that's that.  IMO neither really sound like anything positive.  

"I wish I could just openly tell both girls the situation but they will both be devastated and that would be the last of my intentions."......You shouldn't be "wishing" this, but doing this.  You OWE them the truth.  


Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
To add:  I just read your other post in regards to this new gf.  You need to have her consult a PROFESSIONAL, i.e. physician, therapist, etc. to help her sort her drug issue.  Trying to detox on your own at home is not prudent nor is it safe.  She is WAY beyond your scope of help unless you are a professional that deals with substance abuse.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Ditto AnnieBrooke
Ditto Londres70
Ditto Londres70
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
I am going to fully agree.   Why, for the sake of a new girl, are you bringing an addict into your home when you have an old girlfriend that you miss??  What you have with the new girl isn't love.  Couldn't possibly be under the circumstances you describe.  i"m sorry you are in this situation because I am sure you will now feel very guilty getting yourself out of it.  The reality is that you can not save everyone and tying your life to dysfunction just means YOU have a dysfunctional life.  Strive for better.  Seek healthy people.   Seek healthy relationships.

I don't, in all honesty, think you should be with anyone.  I think you need to be alone for a bit of time to evaluate life and what you want from it.  

good luck
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Ditto SpecialMom, too

Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
Utilityman......please reread this older post of yours.  Can't you see a pattern here?

Do you have a problem being alone?  You're jumping from one relationship to another too soon.

Seems as if every woman you date must be rescued from this and that and is dysfunctional.  

Some soul-searching is in order.

Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
3060903_tn?1398568723
Blank
Nighthawk61
Other