WOMEN WITH ADULT SONS AT HOME

I am a professional male who was dating a professional woman for seven years.  She was a single mother with her two adult sons living at home.  When I first met her they were finishing high school. Since that time she has provided them with a place to live (free of charge),  purchased both of them cars and even paid some of their bills (ie car insurance, cell phone) eventhough they had jobs.  For the past two years she and I have argued because she wanted to be married;however, I would not agree because she did not want to ask her sons to leave home.  I even asked if it was possible for us to come up with an agreable time frame for them to move out and she refused to give them one.  They are 25 and 26 now and one of the just had a baby and finally moved out.  This still has not stopped his mother from continuing to pay some of his bills.  I told her that she really needs to make them take responsibilty for their lives as men, but all she said ws they are trying.  A couple of months ago I told them haw they needed to stop depending on their mother, because she has sacrificed all her life to take care of them hoping that would make a difference.  When I told her she became upset with me for telling them.  Finally, about month ago, I realized that I would never be able to compete with the what I can only call, "the love", that she has for them.  She and I began arguing about them at my place about 100am in the morning (on her birthday), because she was talking about them and I asked her not to because I felt like they were the problem in our relationship.  The argument continued for about 20 minutes until I made a deragotory comment about them.  She became so upset with me that she left from my apartment and walked home about an hour and a half away. ( She walked home because she didnt want to get in the car with me, nor does she have her own personal vehicle, she would drive mine.  She later text me and said that she would not talk to me again unless I apologized to her and her sons for disrespecting them. I could not understand that because I have never said anything negative to them, I said it to her.  I could not believe she did that all because I called them a name.  This is what I meant when I  said that I can't compete with the love that she has for them.  If she walked all the way home on her birthday because I said I called them a name, then I think that is some serious love.  Needless to say that does not change the pain.  I am still hurt, but the biggest part is I cant rationally understand it.  She would rather ruin our relationship than to have them to put extra pressure on them and make them responsible for their lives.  I know that I am not a woman, so there are some things that I can't may not understand, but I would appreciate it if someone could offer some sort of explination.  I know that it was not that she was seeing someone else for a fact because we had a very honest relationship  so excluding another man what would it be?

[Judy246]

Although she is single, she is a mother first regardless of what age her children are. Her love for her children is unconditional and if you try to seperate that bond or put her in a situation of chosing between you or her kids, you lose.

I recommend you either accept what YOU can't change or re-evaluate your relationship, because a mother will put her children first, before anyone or anything.

[teko]

It truly depends on the culture I think.  In some countries, it is customary for the adult children to live at home and be nurtured by mom as long as they are single.  My opinion will be based on the way things are done in America, since this is what I am familiar with.  IMO only, any adult chld should leave home and make their way in this world, unless the home situation calls for the need financially to help support the rest of the family. It sounds like your friend being single has gravitated to depending on her children for emotional things and is reluctant to let them go in case things do not work as well with you.  I would also suggest if you are going to have conversations with her about the children, to do it without saying anything derrogatory because this will invoke the anger of any mom and will not fare well for a future relationship with her! GL

[heatherlynn22]

you called her children a name?? and you're confused why she's mad? if anyone called either of my sons a name whether they are 5, 15, 25 or 85 i would be VERY upset with them and probably not speak to them until they apologized to both me and my children.

you need to accept the fact that she is their mother. always has been, always will be. she will always look after her children . no matter how old they are. i'm 24, with children of my own, my own house and married...my mother STILL looks after me. only now...it's my entire family. do you know why she does that? because no matter how old i am i am her child. i'll do the same for my sons. if they need help, whether they have jobs or not, i will help them as would my husband, their father.

that is what parents do. we put our child FIRST. above anybody else. our children are number 1. my children come before my husband as they come before me to him. the sooner you understand this and accept this the sooner you'll be able to move on in your relationship. if you can not accept this or refuse to your relationship is pretty much over. just remember her sons will always be #1.

[megochick101]

This may get some people against me, but I really think the only thing you did wrong was to call them a name. I completely agree that these boys are adults and are old enough to go out in the world and take care of themselves.

And I'm sorry to everyone else, BUT a parents job is NOT to take care of their children for their kids entire lives! A parents job is to love and teach their children responsibility and give them the emotional and intellectual strength they need for life when they are younger so that later in life(at adulthood) they can confidently make it in the world by themselves. Now i'm not saying you shouldn't be there for your kids and help them out when they are older if they need it, but clearly these boys are NOT boys they are MEN. And these MEN are relying on their mother to take care of all their needs just as if they are still in infantry and that is just inexcusable. Their MOTHER is at fault here for not doing her parental duty and getting them ready for the REAL WORLD. The world that revolves OUTSIDE of their parents home. This man still living with his mom has a job, he should be able to pay for his OWN bills. his OWN living arrangements and not rely on his mother to pay them for him. And this mom needs to step back, cut the umbilical cord and let her sons grow up and BE adults.

There is nothing wrong to me in HELPING your children along in adulthood, but that is not the case here. This mother is still doing things for them like they are 10 and they should be able to do things on their own at this stage in their lives. And yes her sons will ALWAYS come first for her, but that DOES NOT mean she should still be taking care of them like they are infants incapable of doing it themselves.

There's my two cents and I know i'll probably be b*tched out because of it, but oh well. These are MEN we are talking about NOT LITTLE BOYS. They should be treated and they should grow up and act like MEN. Oh and I also have two kids of my own.

Just wanted to add, that I'm not trying to offend anyone here I love you all :) but if he was talking about a 40yo man living with his mother, your opinions would most likely be vastly different, and even though 25 isn't 40 both are the ages of adult men, more than capable of taking control of their own lives.

[heatherlynn22]

I can see where the mom is coming from though. I lived with my mother until I was 23. (I stayed with her while I was pregnant b/c dh and i did not want me to be in d.c...alone. no friends, no family and something happen. which was good b/c i spent most of my 3rd trimester going back and forth to the hospital...and who was there with me? my mom.)

now if they were 40 and still with her...as long as they weren't bums (which if the boys have jobs they might not be..maybe they're having a hard time with their bills and mom is helping them out.) maybe then they would be with her to support her and to help her after all the years she helped them. if her family is like mine we're all VERY close. my mom isn't just my mom but my best friend. if i ever have a problem i go to her before i go to any of my friends. we even have an extra bedroom we're getting ready for her if she ever decides to move in with us. when we actually buy our house we're going to make sure it has extra rooms for not only my mom but his parents. so i can completely understand how she feels about her sons and not wanting to force them to move out.

[Judy246]

The kids can be children and adults, they  can be 99 yrs. old, a mother if put in this type of situation and pressure by a man she is not married yet, will side with her children. She is aware that they are grown and with time move forward with life, BUT, not because a man who is not her husband or the kids father is pressuring her to get rid of her kids so that HE can be comfortable with her only. Sorry, regardless, within time they will get a life, but not because he wants them to move on now and in a way is not treating them well!!!

[Judy246]

p.s..... love my lady friends too and no offense to sadsoul, but it's a bond that he can not break and they will eventually move on with their lives, but at the right time, not his time :)            

[teko]

I have to wonder why Mom feels the need to hve her sons living with her at their ages. I think that is the interesting question and I think this is what the op is actually wondering himself.  I could not wait for mine to leave home and left them with the order of once yer gone yer not comin back with a wife and kids so you better be sure you make the right decisions! Of course, I had six kids tho! lol

[jo929]

I raised 3 children by ny self, and we did not have much money, but we were happy,I tried to teach my children at a young age the value of a dollar, we also went to church, and in later years i left that chice of going to church up to them, they chose to go, the reason i mention this, is that i wanted to give them every chance while growing up, i also gave them chores, and a small allowence very small, if they chose to save or spend it that was their choice, i loved all of my children deeply, and still do, but i also taught them,to grow, and after school when they got old enough they worked and bought some of their school clothes, i think that to give a child any thing they want is to make them a cripple, i think that to pay a grown person or childs insurance is making them a cripple or a moocher, mother birds have sense enough to push their birds out of the nest and make their own way in life, and i also belive that after the child is grown it is time for thei life to begin, i also taught them not to spend more than they had also aftera child is grown a parent is entitled to have a life of their own, and if they need to live with you charge them rent, they need to learn the way of life or you cripple them and they become dependant on you mu children all live in their own homes pay their own bills and when they were a certain age and talked about a car,they never asked me to buy them one, they were taught to save and buy their own as i belive that if they buy their own rhey will take better care of it, and not expect mom or dad to buy another i also belive that at a certain age they should  be taught responsibility, and if a parent keeps handing out the money they will never grow,and mom and dad have failed in their resposibility to the children, let them make and learn by their own mistakes, you cant lead their life for them if you do what is to become of them they will soon hate you for making them a cripple and making them depend on you when they are really down and out let them stand on their own 2 feet and experience life as you did this is just my opinion and in no way reflects on anyone else i think that if the mom wants tio marry you lay some ground rules as she will be your wife and you her husband and the children should stay out of it if she does not agree then i would wait untill she understands that 2 is a couple and 3 is a crowd, and you do not intend to spend the rest of your life catering to their children but calling them a name will hurt your cause, just tell her you belive grown children need to live their own life and not become a dependant  luck  jo

[sadsoul038]

I would like to thank everyone for their responces. I appreciate everyones perspective.  I would like to address some of the comments that were left. I have never done anything but help her son the entire time that I have been with her.  I have never done anything to hurt them. I have supported them finacially and emotionally as well and would never just "put them out". I just asked her for an agreed upon time frame for them to leave (6 moths 1 year), something, but she refused that.  I know that everyone needs help in life, and that may require them to move back home, but they have never moved out.  I would like to be able to establish a foundation and have some privacy with my wife. What happens when mother can't be there and they are forced to do it on their own.  Shouldn't they learn now while they have someone to fall back on?  Tell me any WOMAN, who wants a man that she has to take care of.  I agree that I should not have called them a bad name but that comes only after years of frustration.  Is it so wrong for me to want to be alone with my new wife; for us to establish our own lives (buy a house together, etc....).  They will both do it, so is it fair that I suffer until they feel like they are "ready".  It may be some undesired pressure to force them to support themselves, but which one of us have not been forced to do the exact same thing.  Odviously it did not kill us, I think it taught us the REAL WORLD, and how to survive in this world. Once again I thank everyone for their insight.

[Judy246]

You are very welcome and a trooper for viewing the post from many different perspective. She came to you with baggage and it will work itself out and I think you will both work out the differences. Remember that kids will be your step children one day and you want them to respect you and it would be nice if they look up to you also. Best wishes and we are here for you.

[PforPeace]

I found your article trying to find out how to get rid of an adult child that is driving my life insane (25 yr old male).  My mother is your girlfriend and all I can tell you is that, like my Mom, she has her own serious emotional issues that she is using her children to address...at their children's expense. I am a single Mom and more than anything I do not want to be my mother...it is so incredibly sad to watch her unhealthy interaction with my brother.  I believe they are suffering from guilt and all sorts of not easily understoood underlined isses.  What is devastating is what these women REALLY do their children (especailly MEN, who become someone that no real woman would ever want)...even using them as instruments to handle their fears...how sad.  The poor children are victims of their mother's madness.  If indepence is not a real desire in your heart for your children, it's sad.  Helping is different than crippling your children.  Children, even in their 20's, with an indendent attitude and personality should be helped but encoraging to not leave home is not right.  If they are at home and aiming to be productive and independient that is different because they are also an asset to the parent but teaching children to hold on well into their twenties without aiming at establishing their own life is just plain crazy...for one thing who in God'sname is not mentally, spritually and physically tired after raising children for so many years?  Who is so cruel to themself that they DON"T need the break?  Like someone else said, different culture has different social arrangements but I have never studied any where the advantage was solely for the adult child.

[PforPeace]

I just remembered something else significant while I still have the window open on my computer.  Well, I wanted to add that I was married to a man that was similar to your wife and my Mom in how they relate to their kids (at least one for him), and I ended up divorcing him because the thing I found so unhealthy with him and his daughter was that the emotional bond they form with their children is what's suppose to be between them and their intimate partners...in my world that would be man and wife...but instead this is what goes on between them and their children...I would say maybe you should recognize that this may not be so much about love as much as it is really about dysfunction, instead...maybe you should think twice about diving into a marriage of this nature and take some time out to check yourself to see if you can improve your inner thing that brings us to these type of  long term serious love and relationships.  Just a thought.  It is a very difficult situation to live with...your children are known to be number one in your life, but your spose should never FEEL llike they are not...that's a divorce in the making not a marriage.. Get it. Only thing is the comment thing...you would have been all right if that did not happen but then again the situation is so stressful that it can make you make that horrible mistake.