Was it cheating?

[lost_confused87]

Almost a year ago I had to have my husband arrested for DV. I won't get into details but it was really bad & wasn't the first time. This was however the first time I had him arrested. A couple weeks after he was arrested I moved into my mom's place with my 2 kids. I had called and had papers mailed for me to file for divorce. While I was staying at my mom's, a lifelong (& I mean that literally) friend of mine came back into the picture after being gone for 2 years over his ex. We started talking again & hanging out from time to time like we always had. A couple months later, we slept together. We've always had a connection with each other, but had never done anything because of our relationships. Basically, the divorce was never filed because my husband wanted to work things out. But now every time we argue, he throws up in my face that he's not the one cheating (which I haven't slept with anyone since that night). In my mind, things were over, done, I was ready to file for divorce. I need to know, was it cheating? Does he have a right to be so mad?

[lost_confused87]

I want to thank you all for the advice the back up of the knowledge I just didn't want to admit to myself. I will be removing myself & my kids from this situation as  soon as I possibly can. Thank you all

[jemma116]

If you are back living with your husband, get out as soon as possible.  It is not safe for you, nor your children to be living with your husband.

Mental abuse is as dangerous as physical abuse.  Do not put up with it and don't make any excuses for it.  

By mentally abusing you, you is manipulating you trying to control you.  Don't let him.

For your mental and physical well being and the safety of your children, leave, and move back to your mum's place.  

Once you do that, then you can encourage him to get help with regard to his behaviour and anger.  Only then when he has had therapy, if you still have any feelings for each other, is to consider marriage guidance counselling and after all that whether it would be safe to live with him again.

Given the situation you have been going through and still are going through, I do not know if there can ever be any trust in the relationship to make it a safe and loving one.

God bless.

[AnnieBrooke]

I want to add my urging to everyone else who is saying he only wants to control and manipulate you.  You're in a really dangerous spot, and have been taking blame to appease him but he only wants to harm you, he certainly doesn't have your best interests at heart the way a husband should.  Just today it hit the news that a man shot and killed his estranged wife and her two children.  Do you want to be the next headline?  Please get out however you can, and try not to even let him know where you went.  I'm not kidding.  Women are killed by the men in their lives all the time.  Continuing to deal with him is asking for more violence.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to endure this type of emotional abuse. You did nothing wrong, you were separated and on your way to divorce. Your husband is dangerous, he is ignorant, and ignorance is dangerous. I too feel that with his current disposition, he is likely to re offend and hurt you physically. It is his problems that do not allow him to respect you as you should be respected. He likely disrespects himself for his lack of control, and wants you to suffer as he is. He really needs a great deal of therapy for him to really understand his unbridled aggression. If he was getting therapy for his anger issues, then he should be able to access that therapy to help him to control his anger over you almost moving on. Please , wipe the word cheating from your vocabulary. You did not cheat, what you did was JUST ABOUT MOVED ON. Tell him to get help, he's being unreasonable. He shouldn't have forgiven you in the first place, as you did nothing wrong, but apparently allowed him back in your life. My heart is with you. My first husband was abusive and our marriage did not last. Thinking back, those 7 years were hell, and many more after the fact were tarnished because of it. When you do leave, please seek therapy, if not before, so as to not let this mar your life going forward. The angles are with you. Have faith in yourself.

[EllaMari]

I agree with everything the above posters have stated and only wis to add this; there is a cycle abusers go through: blow up, apology/changes, and then build up. Each time this cycle repeats the abuser often 'blows up' worse than before.

I am concerned that you are in the build up. He is still abusive, he has not changed. I'm scared for you that he has not 'replaced' physical abuse with emotional abuse but rather he is working up to it.

I am sympathetic to your situation but for your safety it is imperative you leave soon before he hurts you again.

I wish you all the best. Please keep us posted!

[RockRose]

I don't have any idea why you want to "work it out".  He clearly doesn't.  He clearly wants to punish you any way he can.

I think when you are much older,  you will see this whole thing for what it is.  

This guy is a complete jerk, and he wants to hurt you.  That's his life mission.  He wants to control and hurt you.

Best wishes.

[Chima7]

This doesn't seem to be working cause nothing has been resolved since the time you moved out plus you have new problems piled on top of old problems. It might be time to go back to your mom's and divorce him for real this time.

If it was me, I wouldn't have gone back. I don't put up with domestic violence from any guy ever. That's grounds for immediate and permanent dissolution of the relationship in my opinion. Your first mistake in this whole big mess was to continue staying with him after it happened multiple times. Whether or not it's still happening is irrelevant because the fact that it happened at all completely destroyed this marriage anyway. It's been over since the first incident of violence against you. Now you're just wasting time staying with someone who has already proven to be a complete jerk. I don't see the point of keeping up this farce.

[lost_confused87]

I agree. If I would have still been at home & with my husband, I would have been cheating. And yes, it is my husband who keeps bringing up the "cheating". I've tried  explain to him over & over, it was over for me when it happened. He was the one who "forgave" me & wanted to work things out. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband & I want it to work out too, but he is  one who came to me. And I've tried to get him to understand that it's gotta be put where it happened, in the past. But it's looking like that's not going to happen.

[jemma116]

I too couldn't make out who was accusing you of cheating, your husband or your friend.  I presume it is your husband.  But who told him that you had been sexually active with your friend?

In my view, as you had separated and divorce was in the air, then you were not cheating on your husband.  At that time that you had close a close encounter with your friend, you had been separated and as far as you were aware at that time, you were going to get a divorce and not get back to your husband.

Had you still been living at home with your husband and not separated and had sexual contact with your friend, then I would have said that that would have been unfaithful to your marriage and cheating on your husband.

If you are both going to get this marriage to work, you are both (your husband and you) need to put the past behind you and start afresh.  Marriage guidance may be the way to go forward to help with the relationship with your husband and rekindle the love that you once had for each other.

Best wishes.

[lost_confused87]

I'm actually trying to figure out why I'm with him myself. I had agreed to work things out because the drinking had stopped & I always thought that was our biggest problem. I guess I thought wrong. I have nowhere to go, no one to stay with, very little money & no job, no car & no license. BUT, I am putting whatever money I can away for when I am able to make my next move. & yes, the physical has just turned into emotional abuse.

[AnnieBrooke]

ps -- Your husband probably knows full well that the marriage was over for you, and is just leaning in on the "cheating" accusation because he has nothing else to hit you with and wants to hit.

[AnnieBrooke]

I read this the way RockRose does, the "he" who is "throwing it in my face" is the husband, not the lifelong friend.

I wonder also why on earth you are with someone who has been repeatedly physically violent with you, especially since you have a nice lifelong friend more or less in the picture AND he (the husband) is now being just about as abusive as before, except this time verbally.  I would have pressed the charges and let him cool his heels.  I also wonder why you told him you had sex with the other guy.

My suggestion is to talk to a counselor and work out why you are making these choices, they just don't make a lot of sense.

[RockRose]

Are you saying you're back with your husband,  who was arrested for DV after several violent episodes?

And now that you're back with him,  things aren't any better than they were before,  and now he's yelling at you for cheating?

Why are you with him?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, its not cheating as your not together any more and i think your new friend is saying this to push you to get the devorce as he really likes you and is insecure that maybe youlll go back with your ex.