What Should I Do Please Help Somebody

[JRTgirl]

My boyfriend and I been togather for 8 months and been knowing each other for 10. Everything was going great. Then he start having money problems and things with that havnt been going his way, he's going through alittle depression, hes been going through this for 6 months. And our arguements been going off and on for 6 months. We fuss about how we never go anywhere and how he don't call me like he use to. Eventhough we see each almost everyday now that i home from school. When we dont see each other I expect him to call just to check in we dont even have to be on the phone long I just want to feel like he care enough to want to know what im doing throughout the day. Then I notice i was putting more pressure on him by fussing about petty stuff. So I slack up on the nagging, and tried to be understanding. Everytime he needs me im right there, I will do anything for him and support any and everything he do. But then i start going through things and having money problems, and felt he was not there, eventhough he was in his own way i feel hes not, so i told him that and he thinks i want him to do what i want him to do and dont want him to take care of his own. but thats not ture but anyway now we dont talk at all. Should I take it as he just trying to get his life togather or take it as he dont want to be with me nomore and move on. I feel i dont make him happy nomore. I tried talking to him but he always think im start an agurement and say he dont have time for this he has bigger things to worry about which i understand but shouldnt our relationship be important too. He says it dont have nothing to do with me he just be working alot and dont have time. But what guy who say they love cant find time for you but find time for everything else. What shoud i do please Help?

[Abigale]

Is he taking care of himself physically?  Depression that last for more than a few weeks should be seen by a professional.  Often some kind of medication and talking to a profession helps.  I think during depression it is so important to make sure both you and the depressed person are getting a lot of sleep, and eating well.  After those things are in order, then you can sit down and talk about your relationship.  
I hope that helps.

[JRTgirl]

Thanks alot he use to take care of himself but not anymore he drinks more and smoke more which is not helping at all because i dont do either and hate to see him do it. his spirt is leaving right before my eyes and it hurts for me to see that, but at the same time at dont want to stay around and get depress with him and kill my spirt too. Eventhrough i will do anything for him Im thinking I should do it on a friend level

[Soror]

JRT, Abi has some really, really great advice, and I can't add to it - you need to talk him into getting checked out by a doctor...he seems like he feels really helpless and obsessively worried about other things in his life, and depression does that, it makes little things seem ABSOLUTELY HUGE and hard to handle.

Sleep is really, really important.  I can't begin to say how important it is...depression often will cause you to sleep too much or too little, and either extreme is bad for you because BOTH will make the depression worse.  Eating too little will also make the effects of depression worse, so it builds up over time like a snowball rolling down a hill.

I wish I could tell you how to go about talking to him, but you know him better than we do...good luck though.

[slow_healer]

It sounds like your boyfriend is too busy feeling sorry for himself to get anything done. The more you help him, the more he's reminded of how helpless he is. If he believes that he's helpless, then nothing you can do is going to change that. If he's seriously and chronically depressed, then he should seek help. But if not, it sounds like he is taking advantage of your tremendous support and not doing anything for himself. What "bigger things" is he working on besides getting his finances in order or living life again?

Look at his actions decide "is he trying to get his life together?" Or is he doing the same as he has been for the last six months, now neglecting you with everything else?

[JRTgirl]

Nothing that I know of. he just so use  to having and now that he dont he is just like he said feeling sorry for himself.  he cant do nothing for his child(not with me!) or me and he gets mad because he cant and he thinks that why we fuss but its not and he keep pushing me away but i can say he do try but my thing is i would be worried about my problem but i would not let that problem make me lose something that have that is good. and he really dont understant that.

[slow_healer]

JRTgirl, a relationship cannot be healthy if only one person is trying. It sounds like all the effort you're putting into making things work is leaving you frustrated, because things are not changing. What is the problem that you're worried might make you lose the good that you have?

[JRTgirl]

Im saying if i was him i wouldnt mess up or push away a good thing (me) because of a problem that im having.

[girliegrl1723]

you're right. you are being very logical when you say that if you were him, you wouldn't push you away. depression is a serious thing, but i agree with slowhealer in that he needs to stop feeling sorry for yourself. maybe you should let him be on his own for a while and tell him to call you when he figures out what he wants. sometimes you dont realize what you have til its gone. maybe he'll see how much worse things are without you and then he will appreciate your efforts in trying to make things better. you cant stick around in this situation the way it is now. i did it for many years with an ex boyfriend of mine and believe it or not, the only thing that turned his life around, was me removing myself from it. i was the enabler. today, we are both much happier and better off without eachother. im not saying you shouldnt be with your bf, but if things keep up the way they're going, you'll both be depressed and unhappy together.

[girliegrl1723]

sorry - i meant he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself.

[slow_healer]

That's a good point, girliegrl. Sometimes the more we try to help someone, the more we enable them to keep on behaving that way. JRTgirl, I agree that you are definitely a really good thing in his life right now, but you deserve to feel that effort come back to you. You've already stood the test of time and supported him for months now. Don't let this become a lifestyle. I think your situation can be resolved, but you're going to need him to step up to the plate - you've done all you can, but cannot fix BOTH your problems all alone.

[JRTgirl]

Thanks alot you all gave very great advice I will sit him down  again and try to talk, but every time i tell we need to take a break for his own good he dont want too, but im just take it in my own hands and do whats best for the both of us. thanks alot you guys