What are Red flags or deal-breakers for you?

[calmshell]

Was curious what others have experienced in terms of red flags- Do you have any deal-breakers that would make you question or not continue a relationship? Anything that you have experienced in the past or seen others go through, that you could not 'overlook' within a person's personality  or behavior (past or present behavior).. Did you need to voice your deal breaker, or not go forth/end a relationship due to it?

[Jinx_777]

my deal breakers are the same as  special mom, but would add
any man who keeps his kids away from their mom or who talks badly about
the mom in the presence of his kids.

you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother and by the way he speaks of his ex.  even if it was a bad relationship, I would rather have a man who takes the high road

[thirdtimemum]

A deal breaker for me is someone who can't be honest, like being sneaky with their phone, or coming/going and not being honest with where they've been/going to. Trust is such a big thing, there's no loving relationship without trust. My bf and I can leave our phones lying around and not worry that the other will see something they shouldn't on them. My partner has no girls as friends that he texts or visits, and I have no male friends either. We can go out and do whAt we have to e.g shopping/fishing and not even have to question if that is the truth. When I was married my ex husband used to lock his phone in the shed every night so I would never have a chance to look at it (now you tell me there was nothing to hide!) and we would get viruses on our computer from him looking at unsavoury sites, and he would deny any wrongdoing! So yeah, I reAlly appreciate now being in a loving trusting relationship where we can be honest and open with one another, and never having to second guess his intentions.

[calmshell]

HI RockRose..ty for your comment. I really enjoyed the list of things one might enjoy in having in a partner. That is a great idea, to have what you DO want, available in your mind. I guess I never even thought I deserved having a say in what I DO want either. In this question, I wanted to find out what things one really shouldn't have to 'bear' in a relationship- what one might say is a deal-breaker. I have never been in a true relationship, as I am working on my WORTH, to even know or THINK I DO have a say in what I want..those things you listed are wonderful.. I do want someone to respect me, and you can really laugh with and who hurts if I'm hurting; I just have not had the gumption to NOT accept certain things from a man that made me feel really low and crappy. So I wanted to get an idea of what people just feel is not tolerable, or a deal breaker you might even voice to the guy, if you are finding it is making you feel negative. And I've done it not just in that area, but also with friends- let SO Many things go that made me feel so low. I really respect and admire your response as well, b/c it shows that making a strong list of what I DO want, is very beneficial too :) thanks so much, R.. *HUG*

[RockRose]

calmshell,  I think you're coming at this from the exact opposite angle that people who are successful in finding wonderful partners approach this.

I appreciate SM's post but I see this from a different perspective.

Don't decide what is too much to put up with,  decide what you want.  Not what you don't want and to what degree are you willing to put up with those.

I've been married 29 years,  together 33,  and I learned from a bad prior engagement what I wanted.

And what I see on this board,  and on the pregnancy forums floors me.  Women who are willing to put up with jerky cads who make their lives miserable.  

Here's a list,  in my opinion, of what you want:

a man who is kind to you and your family and other people in general
a man who thinks you're sexy
a man who works hard and is responsible
a man who will cheer you on to success and let you know if you're on the wrong path,  kindly and respectfully
a man you can really laugh hard with and have fun with
a man who won't insist that you two kick in equal amounts for rent and groceries if you share the burdens of child care,  housekeeping,  etc.  
a man who hurts if you're hurting
a man who is happy with life in general,  and is positive

This list goes both ways - I would apply this to women,  too,  in a relationship.  

Basically,  marry the best guy you can attract and hold on to.  Not the first one you are in a relationship with,  or one who's a big enough loser that you think no one will attempt to lure him away.  Those things don't work out well,  surprisingly.  There's always a woman low enough to lure away a jerk  ;D

[calmshell]

Hi S:) Thank you so much for your response. Congratulations on being married for 14 years!! That is wonderful. I think it is a good idea to be practical as well- however I've made some mistakes in trust and things that didn't feel good to me, I just tried to 'brush off'..but it did feel and get worse when I did that :( I have a tough time setting an ACTUAL boundary and saying, 'you know, feeling like crap is something I SHOULDn't have to keep feeling'.  It was interesting to see your deal breakers, and I agree with ALL of them. Especially the addiction, and anger ones. I thank you for stating '..have firm deal breakers and not compromise on those.' I need to remember that- thanks again S..hope your day is great:)

[specialmom]

Hi there.   Good question.  I learned to be very practical when it came to relationships.  I have a few deal breakers.  While dating, any sort of addiction or drug use.  Anyone that has aggression in their past that they admit to or that I've seen---  meaning they have hit women, shouted at them, been abusive in any way.  Someone who doesn't believe in God.  Someone who is not ambitious and building their career.  Someone who didn't want kids as I knew I did.  

Those are the ones that came to mind.  

And yes, I ended relationships due to it.  I left someone with an addiction issue.  I left someone who had a pattern of getting loud when angry.  I left someone who was atheist.  and I left many that I didn't see a strong work ethic or ambition in.  Never had to leave someone because they didn't want kids but I would have.  

I've been married now for 14 years and together 17.  it's smart to hold out for someone you can have a long term relationship with by being practical while dating and ending things that aren't as you wish in terms of characteristics or flaws in the other person.  No one is perfect, but everyone needs to have firm deal breakers and not compromise on those.