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What do I do?
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What do I do?

Okay.  My husband has a job offer that he THINKS he wants to accept.  It will mean moving.  We have lived where we do for the entire 10 years that we have been married.  This is the only home that our 3 kids have ever known.  And although it isn't that big a move to some people, it's only about 60 miles, to someone who has always lived in the same general area or close to it, it seems like a BIG move.  My problem is that for probably the 1st yr or so he will be tied up sunup to sundown with work.  Too many things have been ignored for too long.  It will take forever to get everything back right again.  That means most of the resposibility of EVERYTHING else falls on my shoulders.  I am already on antidepressants and nerve pills and we live right next door to family.  I have his parents and grandparents right here to help me if he's not here.  They wouldn't be right next door (or over the hill).  I don't know if I can handle it all being on my shoulders with no backup.  I'm not sure if this is the right wording or not, but I don't know how else to put it, I don't know if I am mentally stable enough.  But, at the same time, I don't want to be the reason that my husband doesn't take a job that he seems to really want.  I don't want to hold him back.  I don't want him to resent me for it one day.  What do I do?  I am scared to take the chance and tell him to take the job, but at the same time I'm scared not too.
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Avatar_n_tn
so a 60 mile difference is about an hour drive right? my husband does that daily. maybe you could try that to start. then if it doesnt work out figure it out then. it is sooooo hard to work, take care of kids, the house , ect...... would it mean more money where you could just work part time? there are pros and cons to everything and id write it all down and figure it out from there.
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Avatar_n_tn
Is there anyway he could commute?  I know that's far for some, but around here (Houston) most of us commute that daily to work. Sad, but true.  Moving is overwhelming no matter what, whether it's 5 miles or 1000 miles.  With everything that you are going through physically and mentally, it might be easier for now.  Or maybe he could commute temporarily as it will take a while for you to sort things out.  I take it you would have to sell your current home, which means fix it up to show to prospects, which is a huge undertaking and then buy something else too.  Which is understandably overwhelming for you or anyone else.

If this is something that he really wants, I know you don't want to hold him back.  Have you had a heart to heart with him about this?  Does he know how frightened you are?  

I am sure some of the experts around here will have some good advice to offer you.  Hang in there.....we're all here for ya!

Shawn
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Avatar_f_tn
Comuting back and forth won't work.  The job is manager of a VERY large farm/cattle opperation.  Housing is included in the job.  The owner requires manager to live on site.  Having seen the size of his operation, I understand.  And the school system here is great.  The school system there, on the other hand, sucks.  So, what we have been thinking about is my staying home and home schooling our kids.  Which makes me wonder about that.  The kids are all for it.  They love the idea.  But I wonder about what it would do to their self confidense and how out going would they be?   But, at the same time, I don't want to send them to a school that isn't as good as the one they are in.  I don't know.  I am so confused about all of it.  My husband says the schools and me are the only reason he hasn't already taken the job.  That he knows how big a change it will be for ALL of us.  On one hand he wants it.  On the other hand he wants what is best for me and the kids.  Where is the compromise in that?
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Avatar_n_tn
Well that answers some questions.  Aside from moving, the school is an issue too.  Geeze.  Home schooling is great for some, but I understand your concerns with that as well.  I think it's best for children to interact in public situations, group setting and extra curricular activities such as sports or band.  That being said, if the school district in that area is crappy, then home schooling might be in their best interest.  

I really see why you are feeling overwhelmed and how everything will fall on you.  I think you are alot stronger than you give yourself credit for.  You do need to make a list of the pros and cons and really consider the better option.  Discuss it openly with your family and hopefully you can come to some conclusion that will satisfy all parties.

I know I didn't help much, but you're my only buddy on the forum. LOL

Shawn
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Avatar_n_tn
My goodness, that will be a toughie.  It always seems that ex's can be a pain in the rear, especially where children are concerned.  I know my mom was after my parents divorced.  God she still drove my dad mad 20 years later!  LOL
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Avatar_f_tn
It helps a lot just to be able to talk to someone who isn't going to be affected by any of it.  I love my hubby  & kiddies more than anything else on this earth.  I would do anything in my power for any of them.  I just don't know if this is in my power.  And, if all of this isn't enough, my 13 year old step-daughter's mom isn't going to be happy about having to drive that far 2 times (to come get her and to bring her home) every other weekend.  So, if we do decide to do it, we have that fight to look forward to.
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Avatar_n_tn
I totally sympathize.  I just moved over 2000 miles to "be supportive".  

Moving is traumatic any way, shape, or form you care to look at it.  And you are even considering home schooling, which is another big life change.   Is the job financially that much better?  Is your husband very unhappy with his current job?  Is this a stepping stone to advance his career in a significant way?

Sit down and list the pros and cons, on paper, while sober, in the cold light of day.  Together, trying very hard not to bring emotions into it.  Come into any discussion with a spirit of listening fairly.  

I tend to not believe what I hear about "bad" school systems.  I believe that with involved parents and motivated children, they can learn what they need and WANT to, regardless of where they are.  You can have the best school systems, and there will still be kids who do not do well.  95% of school sucess is because of what happens at home, not at school.  Family dynamics, family goals, family limits, and family values will impact your child more than any curriculum offered anywhere.
  
Growing up, we moved several times.  I'm sure there were some "bad" schools systems we attended.  But my mom was very involved with us, helped us with homework problems, gave us enriching experiences, and in general was very involved with our educations.  I think I did ok.  Cable installation is my actual 3rd career, you know.  Neurosurgery was too stressful, and I despised my time in the legal arena.

Anyway, in seriousness...listen fairly, go over the pros and cons, and make a decision that feels right to both of you.  Someone may have to give more than the other, this time.  As for the step child's mother, since you guys are making the choice to move so far away from her, I believe that it is YOUR responsibility to help out with the transportation.  Factor that into your pro and con list.  It is unfair to move away, and then tell the childs mother she'll have to do ALL the driving and transporting.  I'd be angry, too.  

Best of luck, my friend!
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm there!!!
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The step-mom really won't be as much of an issue, I guess.  Because I would be willing to either meat her half way on both trips or let her either come all the way to do one and me go all the way to do the other.  It's just that she has given us grief over a lot of things in the past that I really didn't think she had any say in since she just left her and didn't fight for her at all.  She just signed the papers giving her up.  She only has reasonable visitation, that being whatever my hubby decides is reasonable.  He has always let her go every other weekend IF she wanted to because he didn't want the daughter to say that he took her mom away.  There was a time she didn't see her mom for about 6 months because she didn't want to.  But she signed ALL of her rights away. (So she could run off with hubby's "best" friend.  Who just happened to be her best friend's husband too.)  Anyway, that's a whole other story!  I don't know what we are going to do.  Right now I'm just trying to get through today being PACKED in a little bitty house with his entire family and not have a panic attack.  It's almost time to go so I got on here for one more shot of courage.  Thanks guys, you all are great!
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Avatar_n_tn
Shut them all out and go over to the Depression forum.  I have a sinking feeling that no one will come to the party, and I have a 35 pound turkey cooking.
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If you do decide to go, it may be worth considering trying the new school for a short while just to see how the kids get on. Firstly, it will give them (and hopefully you too) the chance to meet new people and make friends. If you aren't happy with their education after say 6 months you could always educate them at home then.

Also, I don't know if you have a faith at all, but if you attend the local church there you will definately get lots of friendship and support.

I'm a Christian now, but wasn't at the time of my divorce. I was really depressed and low and a friend invited me along one day. The people were fantastic, rallied around inviting me to lunch and to picnics - ringing me to see if I was OK if they hadn't heard from me for a while. They were a real support to me and are like my family now.

I pray that the right decision will come to you both soon. You and your husband sound as though you have as strong, loving relationship so I'm sure things will work out well for you either way.

God bless
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Avatar_n_tn
Just wanted to add my 2 cents worth..
I think it was Who that said that you shouldn't take the reputation of the other school being bad to heart and I have to agree. Giving the new school a try is the only way you will know for yourselves and if it is not acceptable then either you could sort of supplement at home while keeping them in school or go the home school route if necessary. I did HAVE to homeschool for a bit due to a teacher assaulting my son, so I took the three that were at that school and taught them at home until we moved to a different state. The older two were in another school and I left them in place.. Anyways, home-schooling is really hard! You have to meet all of the standards set forth by the state and I even had to take attendance. It was very stressful trying to keep up with everything, constantly worrying that I missed something on top of the normal daily stresses life offers.
We have always "followed the money" which means moving when necessary. It is also NOT easy, but I try to think of it as an adventure. Luckily we have been settled for almost 4 years only having to move once a few miles away thanks to Hurricane Charley taking our roof, but kids have been in the same school for a long time now and it is nice. I HATE moving. Like most things in life, the woman gets stuck doing all the "work". No offense intended to the men out there but we honestly have to sacrifice more in general.
I do feel for you. Your situation is like a double edged sword. If you do decide to give it a try, then just try to think of it as an adventure and don't add work and stress to yourself by trying the home school thing until you know for sure for yourself that the schools in the new place aren't good for your children.
Let us know how things go.
--J
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for all of the input everyone.  It's nice to know there are others out there who know what a big deal this is to me.  I know there are some who could pick up and go at a moment's notice and it would be easy for them.  I wish I were as strong as them.  Joanna, you sound just like one of those people!  I admire strong people like you so much.  I don't know why the good Lord wanted to make me so weak.

Anyway, we are still talking about it all.   Weighing the pros and cons.  I'll let you know what we decide to do.  He has to let the man know something the first of next week.  The man tried to call him 2 times Thanksgiving Day on his cell!  Of course, since he didn't know what to tell him yet, he didn't answer, and he didn't call back today so he may have already hired someone else!  All this worry may be for nothing.
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I have read your posts and you are anything but WEAK!! I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Funny how we can see strengths in others but not in ourselves.
You're a lot stronger than you think;)
--J
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the vote of confidence.  Wish I was as sure of that as you are.  I'll keep ya'll updated.  Thanks again!
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