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Avatar universal

What in the world should i do?

So, I have known my husband for the past 2/3 years. We recently got married about 6 months ago. He is so verbally abusive i do not know what to do. He is controling and constantly critisizes me. He has put his hands on me sooo many times I cannot keep track. I just recently graduated school about afew weeks ago and I cannot find a job in my field, as well as all my other classmates. He has a bachlors degree and chooses to work as a bartender. And I have a part time job which brings in money for all my bills and more except my car pmt. I buy groceries, i purchase him cloths and neccesities. We live in a basement apartment rent free bc it is his mothers and aunts house (apt building 3 floors) and his mom passed away a year and a half ago, so his moms portion of the house is considered half his. His aunt who is paralized lives upstairs and is constantly banging on the ceiling bc she needs help with everything. She has drs appts at least 2 times a week which are 5/6 hrs long and he makes me stay home to open the door for her and her nurses aid (which she has from 9-5). She has her own keys to get in but he perfers me to stay home to help her if something happens. i have found her serveral times on the floor and she also plays games. banging on the floor which is my ceiling to turn the heat on and off like 7 times in like 3 hours. or its too hot and the heat is off.. SHE DRIVES ME NUTS!!!! She has 3 kids, which occasionally come to visit her and use us as a crutch bc we live there, so we have to watch after their mother bc we feel bad, even after repeated times telling them the help she needs, we cannot provide for her. My husband and I are constantly fighting. I feel like he is bipolar. He dosent have any health insurance so he cant go to the dr for it, and even when I tell him to go through my insurance that i had till dec. he kept changing his mind. He curses me out everyday telling me "i dont have a job" that i dont do anything im lazy, curses me out and my whole family saying realllllly hurtful things about my family esp my father who has gone through a lot of health issues and drs say its really a miracle he is still alive. why does he have to drag my family into it.. I feel trapped. He drinks everyday,, I have not seen him not drink only for one day in over months. I try to tell him please dont drink so much ur going to get sick or ur going to get an accident and kill urself or someone else and still nothing.. Im scared something bad is going to happen to him, bc at his job everyone drinks and he feels like he has to drink bc its there. But then to get behind the wheel and drive 30min home is crazy..He is 9/10 years older then me and wants to have kids bc he dosent want to be 40 and have kids (he is 36 now). But idk how i can possibly have kids with him. We are financially not stable right now. I am desperatly looking for a job and get health insurance asap. We live in a 1 tiny bedroom apt and i do not want to have kids there bc it has bad circulation and we just took up the floor boards bc they all swelled and there is mold growing, and on top of it, how am i going to have kids with someone who treats me like this. I try to talk to him but he never wants to hear what i have to say and it alwaysss ends up in a bad fight. Every morning i wake up he starts off yelling at me. He gets very moody when he dosent eat within an hour of waking up so it makes me feel like he must have somekind of imbalance. He tells me if i dont like it to get the f** out and that he will find someone who will work with him together to pay the bills to the (whole) house.. I feel like he dosent love me and he just wants someone to pay his house bills bc his sister dosent want to pay for her portion of the house and dosent want to deal with anything. I know he is going through a lot esp with paying bills but i try my best. I dont ever ask him for any money. I havent gone shopping in like 3 years for myself. I pay as much of everything as i could. I always cook clean and serve him all day everyday. He never does anything around the house, never picks up after himself. And then when hes at work and has afew drinks, he texts me oo i love u, im sorry. IDK i truely dont know. I dont want to divorse him. I really want to make things work, but i want him to care about me and stop treating me like ****. Please anyone help me!!!!!!
9 Responses
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134578 tn?1693250592
I am quite concerned that what is happening sounds almost like slavery.  Having to be on call to his relative?  Getting beaten up all the time?

I agree that abuse takes two people, one to be horrible and abusive, and the other to accept that this is all she gets.  And I agree that it would be a good idea to go to a counselor soon and examine why you thought it was acceptable to be treated like this.  NOBODY deserves to be treated like this.

But sweetheart, and I say this like you're my sister, get out of there now.  You are in the wrong place, with a man who is no longer what you wished he was, and probably never was the man he pretended to be.   Don't leave and then call him and let him manipulate you to come back.  Just leave.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'd never live with someone I was in fear would hurt me.  I'd be gone yesterday and when we don't leave someone like that, it makes one wonder about previous background in a person's life.  Abuse takes two people to do the dance and this poster needs to understand that.  She must get out and explore why she'd ever even consider being with him if he hurt her so that she can not have this reoccur.  good luck to her andI hope she does it.
Helpful - 0
1691630 tn?1329366215
I know you probably really love him, and things were probably a lot different when you first met him and got married. I think you are still looking for that guy...but it seems like that guy might have gotten lost. I think that if you do not think that you can leave (which I really think you should, this stress is not good for your health, and neither are the living conditions), than you should tell him you need to take a break, like a separation, but not a divorce. You might want to ask a friend to come over though and be in the other room or something, just in case he gets angry, I wouldn't want him to hurt you, you don't want to risk that. It seems like you have tried to make it work though, and he is not cooperating. That is not marriage...marriage is supposed to be the both of you working together. You seem like you have put your all into this...sometimes that's not enough though if it is with the wrong person. I think with a separation, if he really loves you, he will get the help he needs. This seems very abusive though so I honestly think you should just get out while you can...you seem like a sweet girl...I'd hate for anything bad to happen to you on his account. It's not worth that, and it sounds like you are living in a hell on earth right now. Try to get out. <3
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"I really want to make things work."  Make what work dear?  The abuse.

Find a place he knows NOTHING about, move while he is at work and file divorce papers.  

Concur with all the above posters.  

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Leave Him now.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
I agree with specialmom and RockRose wholeheartedly.  To paraphrase what she said even more strongly,

People who don't make changes when they realize they have made a poor decision, sentence themselves to miserable, trapped lives.  Keep going with this guy and that is the best you can hope for, a miserable, trapped life.

Family or friends will take you in.  Get on the phone now.  Get counseling also, so you don't do this again.

Good luck, sweetheart, you don't deserve ANY OF THIS.

Annie
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I've read both your posts,  and believe you've made a mistake marrying him.

There's no shame in making mistakes,  everyone makes them,  but smart people own up to them and work to solve them.

People who lead miserable trapped lives don't make changes when they realize they've made a poor decision.

I don't see a prayer that your relationship will work,  and it was a true relief to get to the end of your post without you saying you're pregnant.

Since you mention you do have family,  you need to call them,  admit this was an error,  and go live with them until you find full time work and can start out on your own.

In my opinion.

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, if you were trying to make your point that you should leave him, you did it!!  Yeesh.  

--  drinking problem.
--  physically abusive to you.
-- verbally abusive to you
-- controling
-- taking advantage with the aunt and expectations of you for her
-- he is unreasonable in his demands of you
etc. etc. etc.

How the heck did you decide to marry this guy in the first place??

Ask yourself that question and maybe explore it with a therapist when you get a job that provides insurance so you don't repeat the pattern of picking a bad guy but . .. get out now.  

Of course you shouldn't have his child!!  That would be absolutely insane.   Instead of just you being miserable you'd be dragging an innocent child into your nightmare.

I'm being quite strong here because obviously this is not a good situation.  Save yourself and get out now.  Peace
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Don't stay with someone who is always hitting you.  Sorry, I don't know how you could love someone who does that.  See a counselor and make some decisions.  He's just manipulating you.  You're better off alone and happy than with this guy and miserable.
Helpful - 0
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