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What is the next move?
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What is the next move?

I have been single now for a few years. I am very, very embarassed & humiliated to admit this out in the open but, I did it. I'm nervous & embarassed to ask this question but, I have to do it.

Right now, I feel I'm totally transitioning in my life. I am going out a lot more along, volunteering, taking classes, going to sports events & am on many online websites (including a telephone line). I am observing carefully the world around me & transitioning into a more adaptable person & seemingly breaking out of my shell. In real life, I'm very shy, quiet, reserved & kind of "prudish". Therefore, just to attend these events & walking into them is hard enough b/c, even though I'm confident, people ALWAYS judge based upon body language & first impressions.

I do feel as though I'm a good catch. I'm a good listener, professional in my career (for many years), college educated (3 degrees currently & in classes for my 4th), nice, funny, kind, generous, a cook, somewhat-interesting b/c of my various hobbies/sports & understand man for a limit. Therefore, what's the problem? See, I am 5'6" and 264lbs. Yes, I'm fat but, I'm working on my weight. I know my weight is holding me up b/c not many men think this is sexy nor do I dress sexy/very dressy b/c I literally live in professional clothes & am somewhat of a major prude. That's a turn-off to men since all of them are very sexual.  Plus, a REAL man who is genuine & caring will overlook this & I wouldn't waste precious, valuable time on someone who has a problem with this. I would NEVER, EVER "settle" just to be married & have a man (for other forms of fullfillment). I also know what type of man I'd like & about children, past marriages, etc. Call me picky on those aspects but, I just know who I want...

Bottom line, I live with a male roommate. Both of us go out every weekend. We do many hobbies together. We did date in the past but, we we're not involved anymore. Quite frankly, he's more into the singles scenes, partying, voluteering, etc. than myself. I like to be home on the weekends yet, I'm not.

My church is not currently running or organizing presently, any singles groups. I only volunteer when I can. On weekends, I go to gigs, dinners, movies, etc. but, I'm usually w/ my roommate, tbh.

So, people assume & associate that we're a couple when we're out I can almost feel it by the looks in their eyes. What do you think? I do not associate any form of lovey-dovey body language with him. I am NOT in love w/him & I just wish the both of us could find someone soon. He's a really, really decent & great man too.

Ok...so,
1)should I go out w/ him more on the weekends or just drop him?
2)should I go out alone more? Remember I am very shy so, doing that is NOT easy.
3) should I continue more on websites/telephone ads?
4) or....should I be even more drastic & throw in the towel to it all, remove my profiles & just do my schooling (which IS online btw), go to gigs, go out to places myself?

I am seriously looking for real advice & not critiques so, any information is appreciated.

Thanks!  
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4 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hello and I am so glad you posted this.  It is always hard to "expose" ourselves and our vulnerabilities and takes guts.

I think you are on the right track just "getting out there".  Social anxiety is uncomfortable (it is a disorder if it keeps you home . .  .)  and the best way to get over it is practice and exposure.  Choosing things that you are interested in is a good way to go------  there are groups that do just about everything.  Book clubs, wine clubs, walking groups, etc.  So keep looking for things you like to do and join in.

I would look for some female friends.  Your male friend is great but I think you are right that it may be sending wrong messages to other guys.  So I think some same sex friends would be really good and enhance your social life.  You'd meet them the same places you would meet potential men.  (oh yeah, men friends are good too).  Just increasing your friends list is good.  And look at interacting with the opposite sex as "practice" which takes some of the pressure off.  

Try to think of another friend you can call to go do something on the weekends or go alone and have him meet up later or call you to see if you need company.  I know this is really hard . . . but maybe he is a bit of a crutch so without him, the real you will come out . . . I don't know as I don't know you.  But trying it without him would be good.  Sometimes when someone has dated in the past  . . . they subconsciously send out signals that you are taken or the may even sabotage it a little.  

Also, if your church isn't currently running a singles group . .  . could you perhaps approach your paster about starting one?  Then he can recommend someone else in the church that you could do it with and you would have a "job" so to speak and maybe it would be less socially awkward . . . Just a thought.

Anyway, I think it is great that you are trying-----  and remember, there is someone to love us not matter what our physical characteristics.  It just takes patience and effort to find them.  good luck!!!
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285927_tn?1380802356
I think if you and your roommate have fun together then you should continue to hang out but make it clear to those around you that you are not dating just hanging out. If you go by yourself and are super shy then you defeat the purpose anyways. Shy people body language tends to say leave me alone I do not want to talk, you make me uncomfortable.

Yes the weight is an issue, and no sense dancing around it. You know it and I know it. However, with that said, you have so many good things going for you that when you meet and get to know the person who is right for you, that will be a non issue. It is an issue however until you get to know that person. Unfortunately there are more guys turned off by overweight than on. But when someone gets to know you the relationship will blossom. Being shy is your worst enemy. This is what keeps you at a distance not the weight issue. You see many many happy full bodied people out there, but most of them are very outgoing and social. Face your fears and force yourself out of your shell and get to know people. Your friend can help you do this in social setting. So no, I say pal around with friend till your hearts content.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I just wanted to say that as a child, I was at times painfully shy.  New people and situations were not my thing.  My adult life forced me to be with people all day, every day.  Making small talk, making people confortable around me, etc.  Did it every day of my professional life.  And it did get easier.  The more I did it, the easier it came.  Most people I encounter now have no idea I am a shy girl inside because I am very practiced with people.  But if I go to a party with my husband and I don't know anyone, I get a panicky feeling and cling to his arm at first.  I've come off as cold when I'm feeling vulnerable and shy . . . so what I do is force a smile on my face, uncross my arms, and lean torwards whoever is talking to me.  It helps with that perception of me and I've found that really people aren't that great at guessing how I am feeling.  I also make sure I have interesting things to talk about-----  oh lordy, I hate to admit this.  While on the "man hunt" I browsed the sports page every day so I knew what guys were talking about if it came up.  Anyway, practice is always good no matter what it is.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
One last thing----  I speak from experience on my advice about the friend.  Dated someone for a bit and then became good friends. We hung out socially after that.  In retrospect, this wasn't that helpful.  I had a "wing man" but he wasn't the greatest at really helping me.  In fact, my now husband was his friend and he did everything in his power to make things difficult for us.  So, my opinion on the friend may be skewed based on my own experience.   And if someone is as shy as you and sees you with your buddy, he might not approach even just to chat. . . so I would work on those girlfriends and do some things with your friend but try to get the group to be bigger than just the two of you.  just my opinion.
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