Relationships Community
What should I do? Do all guys look at porn everyday?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

What should I do? Do all guys look at porn everyday?

I love my bf and been with him for over 8 months.  I found soooo much porn and Asian porn and butt porn and I am white and not into the butt stuff.  I found it on his computer after 2-3 months of dating by looking at his history.  It was every day like 20 websites and even right before I would come over.  He has always taken forever to get off, but I thought and he says that it has always been like that.  I believed him but I do think that b/c he watched porn so much, making love to just me doesn't cut it and afraid I will never satifiy him.  I give it to him every night.  It is not like I am deprieving him at all.  I am attactive and have a great body.  It has made me insecure now about myself and hate that.  

I told him how it makes me feel and that it is a deal breaker for me.  He said he loved me and it is worth giving up for me and said he was addicted to it and done it for over 13 years and his dad and bro did it as well.  He turned off his internet at his place and has made me feel guilty about taking that away from him and has resentment built up against me these past 5 months.  We almost broke up a few weeks ago b/c of the lack of intimacy and how he wasn't really affectionate to me.  We would do it but it was always about him getting off and from behind.  It was like he was watching a porn and that is what he thinks making love is.  It has gotten better the last 2 weeks, but I am afraid that he will go back to his old ways and if we ever do get married that I will deal with this the rest of my life.  

I am also afriad if I leave him that all guys will do it and deal with this again.  Maybe not to the extent to what he was doing, everyday even before I would come over to spend the night, but some. My ex fiance did it and upset me as well.  Any advise.  Am I crazy to think there are good, attractive guys who don't look at it?  
Related Discussions
18 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
902589_tn?1268152453
Every guy looks at pron. There's no going around it, and if he says he doesn't watch it, he's lying to you. that being said if a guy is looking at porn so much it's starting to mess with your sex life then I think he might have a problem.  IMO porn is something that can be used to enhance a couple's sex life(or for single partners) and it shouldn't hinder a couple's sexual relationship.  From the way your talking (him looking at over 20 sights, all in one day) I think your bf might have an obsession with porn and should go to a therapist to get help about it. and if he is watching that much porn, it's no wonder that it's taking him longer to get off, because he is most likely masturbated during it(i don't know many men who actually just watch the porn and don't masturbate..lol) If you don't like the idea of him ever watching porn, you might want to get out of the relationship, because even if he severely cuts back on it, chances are he will still watch it occasionally, as will almost every guy.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the advise.
Yeah i am just on the fence about it.  He is wonderful guy besides that addiction and the affection is getting better but I am really scared that if I leave him that i will deal with this again with the next guy.  I actually don't mind a little bit of porn if we watch it together and I am a part of it and I know he still is getting off to me not some girl that doesn't care about him.  Also I was completely clear with him from day 1 that I do not like porn and he said no I dont' do it if I have a gf.  He lied.  I again ask him a few times after that when I started to fall in love with him and he lied again.  That is why I was devastated to find soo much of it and him telling me he doesn't look at that.  It is also the whole behind my back and choosing to do that over having sex with me that night is sad I think I am human the computer isn't.  It just makes me sick to my stomach.  I am just scared to leave him b/c there are so many good qualities about him besides this.  
Blank
755829_tn?1246922825
Yeah a majority of guys look at porn, it can be quite ok, however like any other type of addiction it can get out of control, if it starts to interfere with everyday life it can be just as destructive as am alcohol addiction, this maybe an issue your partner needs to address
Blank
686059_tn?1293837427
I don't think it has anything to do with you. He definately has a porn addiction problem when he said, he would give it up for you, so he does care, but was raised in a family that said this behavior was normal. He shows "withdrawl (withdrawal)" symptoms by lashing out to you. All men are not the same and assuming that all men will be the same is unfair, and yes, there are nice, attractive guys out there that also have good moral values that don't look at porn at all. Just hang in there, life have a way of falling into place...one day at a time..Judy
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Show me a guy that does not look at an unclothed woman. However with that said, for him to contstantly be seeking it out is a different story.  I am not sure it is something that I could put up with in a relationship.  When I met my husband and our relationship got to the committment phase, he took all his playboys, etc and gave them away. That was many years ago, and to this day, does not seek it out. I think it says alot about this guy to be so into it to the abnormalcy point.
Blank
646779_tn?1281999641
I agree with teko, I too couldn't put up with that in a relationship. He is hooked on it.

If he's willing to upset you and make you feel guilty about taking the porn away, then I don't think his 'qualities' are as great as you think. If you are really hurt by it, he should accept that hurting you is worse than having his porn.

I have a partner who does not watch porn at all. He has no interest, he enjoys getting all his sexual satisfaction from me, and finds that fulfilling enough - it could be because he has never allowed himself to get into porn, therefore doesn't feel tempted by it. I have asked him before, when we first got together does he watch it (having also thought all men watch it, because my ex watched it) ?, and he said no. When I go into the History on our computer, various car websites come up, not porn.

So I'm in the ''not all men wantch porn'' crowd. My guy is living proof. And he is full of other great qualities too. But I can see why you're upset, even watching Sexcetera (I put it on the Television once myself) upset me because I thought he liked what he saw. So we didn't watch it again. He respected that watching it upset me. And he said 'that's not my thing'. So not all men will watch it.

Sex means a lot. I can understand why you're so hurt. You want to be all he desires, every woman wants that from their man, and why shouldn't you get that? I wouldn't blame you for leaving if he carries on. Trust me, there are men out there who will refrain from watching porn if they are in a relationship. Single guys? Fair enough, not guys who get it every night of the week.

Why not put him on a Sex Ban - show no interest in sex, and wait for him to appreciate what he has with you, and let him chase you. Maybe if you stop giving it to him everyday, he will lust for you eventually. If you ask me he's greedy. Make him beg ;-)

Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thank you everyone for your posts.  I really appreciate it so much!  I think deep down inside I know that he won't ever quit and I dont' want to live always worry about what he is doing when I am not around or look at the computer history.  It makes me crazy already, I can't imagine if I ever lived wit him or got married ot him.  I don't like that feeling.  I also think it is wrong for getting upset with me b/c it hurts my feelings and makes me feel not good enough or as he says he has to mix it up.  That is why I feel like I am not enough.  LIke you have to look at a whole bunch of asian **** to get the other fix you know?  That is bs.  I agree too, he has grown up seeing it with his dad and brothers and doesn't see anything wrong with it.  I totally agree too if you are a single guy or if you don't get any from your sig other, than go for it look at porn and mast. but when you have a willing sig other who loves pleasing you and wants to share that with you.  It just takes away from it.

I guess I just dont' have the strength right now to break it off b/c there are so many good qualities about him: attractive, healthy, no other addictions, good job, finanicially stable, neat and clean like me, listens to me for the most part, homebody like me, he is working on being more affectionate and working on not being so selfish.  I guess I just feel like maybe I am being too picky.  I am not perfect but I don't have any addictions, I have a great body, smart, have a good job, financially indepentant, affectionate and willing to do it or please my man every night.  I just am sooo scared that every guy will do it.  I used to not care when I was younger in relationships but I guess it does bother me now.  I would watch it with him but to be hoenst I really don't think that would be enough for him.  He calls it "his time" and a stress reliever and helps his anxiety.  What the heck, there are sooo many other things that can help you destress and relax.  

I also agree that maybe i am too available and it is like he doesn't want what he has and he says that is human nature or guys are like that.  Does everything think that?  I am definetly not that like.  I always want him and rarely look at other guys and if I do it is like oh he is cute and that is it.  Admiring is fine but lusting and doing something to some other person is wrong and takes away from our relationship and our intimacy.    
Blank
646779_tn?1281999641
I too used to give it to him everyday. I wanted to - I fancied him so much and loved the special closeness you get from intimacy and being able to share that with someone you love so much is wonderful. But I felt he didn't appreciate me, because he never had to ask or crave, he just got it, then he'd be like saying no to sex, making excuses. And I did eventually get fed up of initiating things and backed off. I'd say 10 months into our relationship I started not to offer/ suggest sex, just put it on the back-burner, and ignore those feelings a little. I still wanted him, but wanted more for him to show he wanted me for a change. So it started (as I expected) with him craving it, say if two days had passed. And it did work for me. Now, 18 months into our relationship, we have a good balance. We go a couple of days without but then we are dying to take oneanother's clothes off - equally. Plus it's really special when you wait... ;-)
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I agree with you.  I am too available but at the same time, I want to be.  I know what i want and maybe he doesn't.  A part of me too makes me feel like I have to make sure he is satified so that he doesn't look at porn you know?  I just feel like if I dont' then he will just go back to his porn and get it there.  Which I don't want.  It is werid too that he only likes it from behind which is fine sometimes and like it but that is the only way he can get off and takes him so long, always at least 15-20 mins.  I just feel like I am not enough for him and hate that feeling and never will be enough.  The whole having to mix it up with other things I understand, I am willing to do almost anythign and have so many outfits and wear those at least 2 times a week and enjoy wearing that but feel like everything is sexual with him.  I dont know what to do.
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
Wait, he only wants to have sex with you from behind?  I was reading your post and was saying it really isn't much of a big deal that he looks at porn.  A lot of men do but the fact that he only wants to have sex with you in a particular position is odd.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
He can only get off that way really.  I know right.  Like I have to be turned around for him to get off.  I hate it.  He rarely gets off with me on top or him on top.  He always wants it from behind.  I hate it. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I am an attractive, fit and thin girl which is so hurtful.   He says it feels best that way.  Is that true guys?
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
There's probably a school of psych thought indicating that guys wanting to do it from behind all the time could be attempting to depersonalize the experience ( can't see their partner's face). I can't really say with this partner, though, that this is what's happening. Did you have face to face sex in the beginning of the relationship?

Everybody prefers different positions but this is something he might have to give a little on, like maybe 1-2 times a week do it in a position you want and not what he wants. Good luck.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I think it is a way for him to depersonalize it to be honest.  B/c that is what he saw for 13 years in porn.  He said he has never had intimacy with any other girls and that is probably why.  

No he does do other positions but always finishes that way and always wants that position or just wants that one.  Which I am totally fine with a few times a week but everytime makes me feel like he doesn't want to look at me.   I dont know maybe I am reading into it too much, but i have never had that with any guys before.  I have had 5 seroius bf and none of the were like that.  

Yeah we have been trying to do nights where it is about me not him and that has been helping.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Old thread I know, but No its not true, he should be able to be turned on by your or finish with looking at your face or in any position.  i'm a guy but there is something more sexy or sinister about it or animalistic that guys like about it.  We all like how girls look bent over totally giving themselves up for their man and we like it or it turns us on when a girl knows this turns on the guy and does this position for us.  I'm sure he loves your body and how you look form behind.  But physically it does feel best that way and when the mental does not lead to orgasim the physical or physicality of the position does the job.  I hope this helps jenn and no I don't think all guys do and some, very few don't.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Your words give me hope.  I'm not sure if it's just wishful thinking but I hope not. I just spent the past week deep in thought and decided to end my 2 year relationship. I've distanced myself over the past week by not seeing him, despite his asking every day, in order to make it easier. I feel scarred by all this. Men look/gawk at me all the time and I feel total disgust when they do and not complimented. I bite my tongue from yelling "what the hell are you looking at".  I had come to the conclusion that all men do it and I would have to be alone for the rest of my life 
because i know I won't accept it in a relationship. 
but you gave me a glimmer of hope. 
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I was referring to Judy's comment in my previous post.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Just read all this and wanted to add some guy perspective.
First, I'm sorry to say but every guy is looking at or has been involved with porn viewing in his life. For some this is a struggle, for others its not. ( I read the upper message where "some guys don't" and I'm not buying it. Finding a guy that (honestly) doesn't / won't watch porn is like finding a girl that hates shopping and runs the other way when she see's a sale. Or the girl that cant stand romantic comedies. Rare indeed.
Second: Guys do NOT compare the porn girls to REAL girls! Women make this comparison not men. It's fantasy (like reading those romance novels and thinking about that hot guy. Thinking about Comparing him to your guy? Probably not. There are some exceptions but porn is about masturbating to fantasy girls that DO NOT exist. Guys don't want to know them and absolutely don't want to date them. Test it. If there is a porn girl that a guy watches/likes a lot get him to read about her childhood and life growing up. It makes her real and that's going to be a big turn off.
Third: I enjoy a healthy sex life too and I can say personally that some positions are definitely better than others. I find it difficult to have an orgasm from the front but from behind its much easier/sensual. Its not weird just personal preference.
Forth: One big issue women have about men and porn/sexual fantasies is they have an enormously hard time not making it about them. Porn is about the guy, not the girl he's with. Women be honest, you love romantic movies and romantic comedies, however if your man gave you all the romance you wanted would you be "satisfied" and stop watching those movies? No. Because its about fantasy and its about you and not him.
Five: Any addition is bad, there is no "good" addiction.
Six: I am also a Christian and I am not suggesting porn is "good" nor is it "bad" just that it is a normal part of being a modern guy. It is very difficult for men to avoid the urge to masturbate and porn makes masturbation more satisfying. Women have nothing to be concerned about when it comes to how important they are to their partners. Trust me the men in your life are very happy to have something real to love and hold.

Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
This is an old post.  thank you.  Original poster was here in 2009.  
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
469720_tn?1388149949
Blank
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm-treatable... Blank
Oct 04 by Lee Kirksey, MDBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
1268057_tn?1419171505
Blank
Londres70
France
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3149845_tn?1415046551
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
8976007_tn?1413334250
Blank
Jinx_777