What should I do? What about the baby?

My boyfriend has a lot of problems, he is a constant liar, he says that runs in his family, his sister is worse than him. He has been diagnosed as borderline bipolar. When he was in school, he was in an ese program and was constantly in trouble until he met me. He says he loves me, he says he would kill himself without me. He says I mean everything to him, but I don't feel that way. He tells me he loves me more than I ever say it to him. He's usually the one to say it, but he does things that make me feel otherwise.

He doesn't care about important normal life things such as getting a job, he wants to be messed up all the time, he says that is the only way he is happy. It's not like he does crack or anything. He takes over the counter stuff. Triple Cs, Robituson, Sleep Aid, things like that. He is obsessed with drugs, and if I weren't here, he would do all of them. He told me he quit, but he's said this before, and then started up again. He confessed to me that he was taking these thing 2 or more times a day within 8 hours (when I am at work). He doesn't have a job, nobody will hire him, especially ones with background checks. He's been arrested three or four times since we've been together. I love him so much, but I want to leave him.  He used to get drunk all the time, but he has stopped drinking, I don’t know if that is because his friends cut him off, or because I asked him, or if it’s because he always get depressed (I think that’s the reason), even so, I know once he has the money and he can get it himself, he will drink everyday, all the time.

It doesn’t help that I have a lot of my own problems. His and mine combining is just too much for me. He hasn’t cheated on me yet, but he was close to it. The first time, he wanted to leave me for a guy. The second time, we broke up and he got right with a guy for a day, then kissed another girl. And god knows what else he’s done. Sometimes, I wish I had the chance to hurt him so he knows what he’s done to me emotionally, but I know that is wrong. Recently, he started hanging out with that person again, which started the whole drugs thing again. I told him I don’t like him hanging out with him, and he blew me off. One day, he got messed up again, and mentioned he should stay home so he won’t do it again. So he did, I told him not to leave because that is what he said. He stayed home all day as promised. I get home, he won’t talk to me. Turns out, his friends came over, he told them I made him stay home, his friends hate me, and he called me a *****. Later on, he apologized. That was HIS idea! His friends, anything they say, is more important than what I say. We’ve been together for almost three years, them, less than a year.

I'm tired of not being able to trust him, I'm tired of feeling paranoid because of him. We've been together for three years almost, he's lived with me for over a year, and he hasn't had a job. He used to have SSI, but that stopped. I am pregnant with his child and I don't know what to do. The future is something important and he could care less about finishing school. (we are both 19). He says he wants a job but he won't go out and look for one. He has a lot of problems and a lot of the things he does is because of them, so should I just ignore what he does and deal with it, or should I break up with him? I want what is best for the child. I want her to have a father since I didn't. This guy is the only person I have ever been with, I don't know how to socialize, I don't know how to meet other people, and when I do, I am so socially awkward, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. It doesn't help to think men are all creeps. It's very rare to find a nice guy. I don't want to be hurt again. But staying with this guy, that's causing me more pain. He's says he would fall apart if we broke up, and I think he would. Get really hooked on much worse drugs, drink all the time, become a bum...


I am sorry this is so long. I’m just scared that I have to leave him. He’s hurt me so much. We are two completely different people, but I am really glued onto him.

[Agiesmom]

First of all, he's either gay or is so addicted to drugs that he had sex with a man to get drugs.  Either way, that's not good for you.

I'd leave him.  If you are really that important to him, he'll get his act together--get into rehab, get on prescription medication for his mental disorder(s), get a job, and be a man.  I can pretty much guarantee that won't happen, though.

All men aren't creeps.  I have a wonderful husband.  My friend's husband is loving and responsible, too.  You just have to be more particular.

Have you considered giving your baby up for adoption?  I ask because you said you wanted her to have a father.  You will be raising her completely on your own.  You will not have the help or support of your boyfriend.  He will be a disappointment to her.  He won't pay child support, he will stand her up and she'll sit on the sofa waiting for him, believing with all her heart that he will come to pick her up this time.  She's in for heartache where her father is concerned if he's in her life.  If you decide to not go for adoption--if you want to raise her on your own--you should consider seeing if he will give up parental rights.  It's not like you will be losing money--he has to work to earn money and then he has to and actually give it to you for you to have it.  If he treats you this badly now, it will only get worse when he is having a pity party for himself, saying that you left him.  He'll probably get mean and he'll hurt you through your daughter.  And you'll be in for a lot of fighting--fighting for your daughter...for him to not pick her up while under the influence, for him to not leave her with his drug addicted new girlfriend, for him to pay child support.

I wish I could say that there's a good chance that things will totally turn around, but you really have to live your life not expecting them to--that way, when they don't turn around, you won't be disappointed and in the off chance that they do turn around, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

All the best to you.

[AHP84]

Agiesmom said it perfectly.
Now I'll put in my advice about what will happen for you if you leave him and never go back.
If you decide to raise your baby on your own, don't worry about the father issue as a first priority. The biggest favor you can do for the baby and yourself is to get away from him and away from that environment. That is far more important in this situation than your baby having this man as her father.
Moving on to the issue of your insecurity of finding someone new. The reasons you're insecure is because 1) this guy has been your only experience, 2) it's been a bad experience, and 3) your father was absent in your life, so you don't know how to compare a good man to a bad one in your own life because you've never had that chance, most likely--hence the reason you're under the impression that all men are creeps.
I can say from personal experience, at your age when I was pregnant with my son and the hell I went through to get out of the relationship with his father, that your security in moving on and gaining faith and trust in men will come to you only if you get rid of this guy.
I was in the same boat. I was with my son's father for 8 years; the relationship began our freshman year of high school. In his youth, he was a druggie, had alcohol problems, had a juvenile record, issues with his family, dropped out of high school, couldn't hold a job, and had a bad group of friends. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, but he was all I knew, and that type of relationship was all I knew (my father was never a significant part of my life and my ex step-father was an emotionally/verbally abusive alcoholic). So for 8 years, I was glued to it with insecurity like yours of moving on, thinking all men were creeps and I was too depressed to care about weeding through the masses of creeps to find the needle in the haystack that was a good man. I didn't want to be hurt by another man again, so I resigned myself to keep getting hurt by the same guy, because at least I was familiar with that. On top of that, I bore the guilt that "my son needs his father in his daily life, because I didn't have my dad and I feel this is important."
You know what woke me up? One day he almost hurt our son, and my little boy hadn't even done anything. He was just standing there in the wrong place at the wrong time, scared and confused, and for some reason that enraged his father, who was angry at me and drunk. I realized then, what favor was I doing for any of us, especially my son? Is this what my baby deserved to have as a father?
I got out of that trap (it wasn't a relationship, it was a prison, a trap), my only intention being to just move forward and be safe and secure. My first thought was not how or when or if I'd find a good man or a wonderful father for my son, my first thought was to protect us and provide a secure environment for us, away from the abuse and pain. I didn't care that I felt socially awkward and didn't know how to date, if that ever happened, and I didn't care about looking out for my ex's best interests anymore either because it was his life and his choices and he could turn it into whatever he wanted to make it, but I sure as heck wasn't gonna be a part of the pain anymore. He was 19 at the time, old enough to not "fall apart without me" unless he CHOSE to fall apart. And I didn't care anymore--he'd almost hurt our son. That was all it took.
After I broke up with him, I was socially awkward for a couple of months. I was a mess, but you know what? I was HAPPY for the first time in my life! It truly was a new beginning, a new learning experience, to make it into what I wanted it to be, which certainly was never going to be filled with so much pain and heartache again!
Only four months after my new life with my son began, I met my current boyfriend by chance--never saw it coming. And he's the most decent, wonderful man I could ever imagine. Not to mention, he's been more of a father to my son than my ex ever was; he knows my son better than my ex. My son adores my boyfriend and wants to call him Daddy (but we're waiting that one out for a little while).
And yes, lol, our first date we had together last year was HORRIBLY awkward for me--I was so nervous that I made a mess when I was eating, and when I got out of his car when he drove me home later, I whacked my head on the car door...really hard. I thought he'd never want to call me back! Rubbing the knot on my head, I thought, "Ah cr*p! This has been a disaster of a date with a perfect guy. Well, if I never hear from him again, at least I had a good time with a good guy."
He called me back two days later, and we'll have been together a year next month.

There is hope for your future...you just have to be the one to make hope a possibility. And believe me, it's worth it.

[jo929]

Take all of the above advice, and get out, while you can, or you will be as bad as he is in time    luck  jo

[treazzure007]

girl please.  i was about to say something really nasty but decided not to.  you have to leave him.  he's a loser, and being with a loser makes you a loser too.  it's sad that you're pregnant by him, but, maybe if you get yourself together- away of this man and this home and relationship you made, the baby will turn out fine

if not for yourself, do it for the kid

[MEG0531]

I agree with the others. Dont worry about what he thinks, you have got to worry about yourself but mainly your child. If you dont worry about your baby girl, who will?? I promise you it wont be him. And you have to think about it, regardless of if its over the counter drugs or drug drugs they are all horrible. Mainly when its being brought around your newborn child. As much as you love your baby that baby has to come first. So, just sit back for a little while and think about YOUR future and your BABY'S future. And just give the best for your child. You are 19 yrs old, you will be able to go out and find your baby a good daddy. A man who will love the baby as their own. Not all men are creeps i promise you just have to find you a good man. I have been married for 3 yrs to an amazing man. We have one child together and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. The biological mother would leave knifes and pill bottels and nasty food all over the floors while my stepdaughter would crawl around on it. I have seen pictures of the apartment, so i know its true. My husband went home to find his ex had locked herself up in the room while the daughter crawled around in this trash. It was no way to raise a baby. Now she is living with my in laws and we are having a hard time getting her back. Dont make that mistake! If you stay with this man you will probably lose your baby! Trust me, take everyones advice and just go. I hope you have support from your family. And i hope you have a family who will take you in and give you and your baby a good decent house to live in.  And i hope the best for you and your child!

[Philip_lucia]

Thank you everybody for your help. We have broken up, (mainly on his part). He did this last year too. If he want's back in, I won't even talk to him. I'm deleting everything that reminds me of him. i don't want to speak with him anymore. As for the child, I will keep my last name for the baby, and when we have money, we are moving to alaska to be with my family.

Once again, thank you everybody.

[rbgos]

Good for you, you have made the right move.  Your life will work out, and probably in ways that you could not predict right now.

Good luck, and stay strong!