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What should I do?
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What should I do?

Okay so here is my situation and I really need some outside points of view because I have no one right now that I feel comfortable talking to.
I have been married for 11 years and have 3 children-a girl and 2 boys.  My husband is very smart and has a PhD and teaches at several colleges as an adjunct professor. We went for years buying our own health insurance during the time period that I was having our children and he was working by teaching classes.  We are in quite a bit of debt due largely to those years because the health insurance cost us over 800 dollars every month largely because I have type 1 diabetes.
2 1/2 years ago I was fortunate enough to get a good full-time job with health insurance for our family.  We are trying to pay our way out of our debt.  Just so you know we are NOT extravagent people.  We do not buy things we don't need and are relatively frugal and practical.
Now here is the part where things become more complicatIed.  My husband is a very angry person.  He has called me names like a-hole, idiot, stupid, *****, fatso, etc. He calls our children names too.  He even called our middle child a stupid F*** two nights ago.  Last weekend I was working out and I asked him if he could get the kids breakfast and I would be up in just a little bit.  Well the middle child came downstairs and my husband got so mad that he picked him up, kind of threw him and hit him.  My daughter started crying because it was scary.  We went away and did stuff the rest of the day.
We also have a dog and my husband has taken to watching this show on training dogs which basically says that the owner has to be the "Alpha" He has said to me several times that kids need to be treated the same way...
I know that I am not a perfect person at all.  I really love my kids though and work very hard to give them a good life in all senses of the term=emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.  We rarely do things as a family.  When I am home from work I am with the kids and the husband is either teaching or in the basement or bedroom watching tv.  Weekends I do things with the kids.  Husband also has serious OCD issues so he does virtually all the housework.  When I try to do things he either tells me how I did it wrong or redoes it.  I don't really feel like our home is partly my home because I am not really allowed to do anything here.
I feel so relaxed and myself when he leaves.  I love being with my kids and we do lots of fun things like go to the library, parks, take bike rides, etc.   When he comes homes many times I feel very nervous.  He tells me I am crazy and have mental illness.  Again, I am not perfect but I try my best.  We also have not "been together" in like a year and a half.  Since he called me fatso I just cannot even fathom being with him I have no desire whatsoever.  I really don't think I could make myself want him.  Sorry if that's TMI...
So what does anyone think about all this?  I could really use some outside perspective.  Thank you!
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8 Comments Post a Comment
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719902_tn?1334168783
It sounds like you and your children are being emotionally abused, and that physical abuse is beginning as well.  I would leave this man ASAP. I'm sure that's scary, w 3 kids, but if you are honest i think you will all be happier without him.  Good luck.
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686059_tn?1293837427
Even people who are well educated abuse. You husband is now physically, emotionally and verbally abusing you and your children and it has escalated into  domestic violence.

At this point, your children are priority and I would leave immediate and once you both are in a safe environment, attempt to communicate with him and discuss the reasons that you have left and that the relationship has escalated to domestic violence once he struck your child. He either has to agree to marriage counseling, temporary seperation with possible reconciliation after he goes for conseling including anger management and if all fails divorce. Good luck and stay safe.
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686059_tn?1293837427
My apology, I meant "once you and your children are in a safe environment".
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285927_tn?1380802356
I guess I am odd man out here. Whats new right? You stated you have been married 11 years. You are in major debt. You both work? You feel like walking on egg shells when he is around and comfortable when he is gone. No sex.
Is he cheating on you?

I am hearing bi polar, extreme moods, depression.
It sounds like he is in dire need of seeing if this is his problem?  You did not say if he abuses alcohol, cheats, gambles his paycheck away so I am ASSUMING not. If this is the case then I think you owe it to you, your kids and your marriage to find out the cause and try to correct it. In the mean time, he should have nothing to do with the kids as far as disciplining them. Hopefully with the right meds and some counseling it will calm things down.

If you find at that time, that it is not the case, then maybe you need to think about leaving, but just remember, You will be responsible first and foremost financially, spiritually, and morally for those kids and may soon find yourself in need of meds and therepy! Be careful, and if he is physically hurting anyone, call the police and have him removed, but find out what the problem is and see if it can be fixd before throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
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684030_tn?1357024374
For one so highly educated, he shows little education when it comes to his treatment
of people. Anyway, I think that he has major control issues and is stressed out... big time! I don't know if that could change... I seriously doubt it. He sounds like a morose creature of habit.
Aside from wanting to be the "top dog," have you both discussed why he chooses to communicate with venomous hostility?

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156714_tn?1254715757
I agree with judy and jenkaye.  This situation needs immediate action or it's only going to get worse.  My father was almost identical to the man you are describing, and my mom put up with it for 22 years.  He's educated and professional, but he was also mentally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive to me and my brother and later on, my mother.  My mom spent almost all of her free time with us even though she worked two jobs and went to school for the first ten years of my life, but my dad was never there even though he lived with us.  He was always in another room when we were all home and the only time we were all together we were fighting.  My brother and I used to pray for our parents to get a divorce because we were all so nervous and edgy whenever my dad was around. Our parents were in a lot of debt as well.  We could sense the tension between our parents when we were very young and it took a very long time for my mom to stand up to my dad and say "no more."  

My advice to you is to think about your kids first.  Even if they are very young, they know more than you think and they know when the situation isn't right, and the longer you wait, the more it will hurt them.  They are resilient enough right now to bounce back from a traumatic experience, such as a divorce (if that's what you choose to do) versus waiting until they are older and after they've gotten used to seeing mommy and daddy together and that's all they know.  My mom made the mistake of waiting until I was 19 to divorce my dad.  I was still living at home and my parents thought I was "adult" enough to not hide whatever it was they were fighting about, and my dad even told me that their divorce was my fault.  No matter how old you are, that is devastating to hear, and no matter how untrue it is, you can't help but believe it because it's something your own father has told you.  As a result of that, I have had so much depression and anxiety, and even though I love my mother very much, a part of me can't help but blame her for letting it get to that point.  If you don't get it together soon, this will surely happen to your children and I know you don't want that.  If you're planning to get out, do it before they can really understand what is going on.  And don't EVER let him put his hands on your child like that again.  You have to protect them from that and let them know that it is wrong, or they will grow up thinking it's okay and possibly project that onto other people.  Don't worry about your debt, it will get taken care of one way or another.  He probably won't take counseling, especially since he thinks you're the sick one, so I think, as hard as it is to hear, you should pack up your kids and find some place safe for them and yourself and end the marriage.  Don't leave them in a situation like that and don't settle for a man that treats you like that.
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960021_tn?1270666282
It sounds to me that there's a lot of verbal and emotional abuse going on in the relationship. You're the only one who lives the life you're typing about here, so we can only go on what you've given us, so please keep that in mind when you read through my response. To be married to the same person for 11 years is a big thing these days. The problem has either always been there or has just started to escalate, I guess?

You need to sit down and talk with him about how you're feeling. It isn't the easiest thing in the worls to do when you face being called names or are in fear that he'll raise his voice with you to the point of no return -- but if you love him and what you share then you will let him know how you feel. You deserve to let him know how this is making you and the children feel right now. If this doesn't work, then maybe you need to go from there. Nobody deserves the abuse you're going through right now. It really upset me when I read your post and came across where he was even calling the kids names, and using profanity at that! That's not a man you're living with anymore, and you might be asking yourself the same thing that all of us probably would be if we were in your situation....where is my my husband, and where has he gone to?

Sit down and talk with him. If he can't do that, then do better!
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Avatar_f_tn
First lemme say I am very sorry 2 hear about ur sitution nobody deserves what u r getting, esp from a man who suppose 2b your protector.lover.provider etc. But with that being said I do not believe in divorce soo I won't suggest that however u know where this conversation is goin but b4 that crosses ya mind n becomes your solution try 2 fix the problem. He has 2b juss as willing as u r tho n if ur givin 50 n he's giving 25 its tyme 2 let go cus u have children who c u n u have 2 lead by example n they. R watchin ur every move believe it or not . n u have 2 do what's best 4 all of u...juss ma opinion...gd luck whateva u chose god bless
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