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What should I do?
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What should I do?

Im really trying to work out my marriage but my husband is so miserable he yells to much he can't handle stress he blames everything on me Im getting sick of it. I try to ask him what is wrong and he just says nothing but I know something is wrong. Can someone please give me advise cause Im ready to take my 2 boyz and I and move out. cause I can't handle this anymore. It been like this for 10 years and believe me it adds up I love him I been with him since high school we been through so much Im trying not to throw our years away. trying to avoid separtion. I tell him to see a councelor he won't.  Im getting a new apartment next month sometimes I say I don't want him to come with me but the otherside I do. WOW Im driving myself crazy Im just confuse with everything.
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184674_tn?1360864093
Maybe a separation is what you two need. It's not a divorce. If you take this route, then you can both temporarily get away from the intense emotions that seem to be breeding resentment between you two. When perhaps the both of you have "cleared your heads" with a separation, you could try counceling. Maybe by that point he'll be open to that idea, considering you and the boys haven't been around in his daily life for a while.
But, if he decides he doesn't want to change, then at least you gave it a shot. Then you can make a decision from there: either get back together with him and maybe things will be different (maybe better, maybe not, but probably different somehow), or decide if you want to divorce him.
I'm not one to recommend divorce, but what else is there to offer when one spouse just has no desire whatsoever to be in the marriage anymore, and to show it, he is blatantly unhappy and yells at you and the kids all the time? That can wear down on your emotions and self-worth, as it seems to be doing so already.
It's also not good for the kids to see a daily emotional struggle going on between their parents, and having to be forced into the middle of it because they have to live with the parents and depend on them for care.
With a separation, they don't have to suffer through seeing their parents like that daily. And like I said, it can give the two of you time to clear you heads and really decide what you want from the marriage and how you are going to fix your problems.
I personally think with a separation, he will consider counceling. If you and the kids are out of his daily life, which he probably takes for granted right now because he thinks he's so fed up, he'll most likely reconsider counceling, hopefully, because he'll realize what he's missing.
I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best for you and your family and marriage.
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154765_tn?1237251544
I just don't understand why he's so unhappy he has 2 handson boyz a good job and me what else can you ask for. I think Im a good wife I work cook, clean, and I try to talk to him but he is just so unhappy I can't live like this anymore Im 34yrs old I have a long life ahead of me.
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184674_tn?1360864093
That's what I mean, he probably takes you guys for granted. Maybe he's really stressed out at work, and possibly with other personal things to that you may not even know about. And the easy way for him to vent his frustration is to take it out on his family. Sadly, there are a lot of people like that, and many of them are even really good people, too.
Think though, if you separate from him for a short time (however long is up to you), he cannot have a direct outlet to his family to vent his frustrations. You won't be there. You won't be there to ask him, "what's wrong," you won't be there to say, "I love you" and "I'm here for you if you want to talk to me," and  you won't be there to show how much you love and care about him by cooking his meals, cleaning the house, etc.
I can guarantee you he'll start missing that. He'll start missing having his boys around doing funny things to cheer him up, and to give him pride when they do something exceptional.
When that void kicks in, he'll probably call you up and say he will try whatever it takes, even counceling, to have you guys back in his daily life.
If he doesn't, and he truly wants you all out of his life for the most part (which I'm pretty sure he doesn't), then he's giving up a really good thing, and that's his loss.
Sounds like he just needs some time away from you guys to realize that. But that's just my opinion.
Best wishes to you.
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154765_tn?1237251544
THANK YOU
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184674_tn?1360864093
You're welcome.  :-)
I hope everything works out for your family. And I hope your husband realizes what a wonderful wife and family he has and can let go of his stresses.
Keep us posted.
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164559_tn?1233711618
A trial seperation may be good.

I also think you need to take a look at your own life and decide what you want.  Are you fulfilled in your role?  Do you want a new career?  Do you want to redefine your relationship?

When you are feeling strong you will make great decisions for your family.
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Avatar_n_tn
Agree with the one just above me.   Sounds like you're both stuck. Knowing someone and dating them since  high school means there is a lot of emotional, professional, or intellectual growth that probably didn't happen - for both of you.  Throw in having to care for  a couple of kids, and my guess is that you both could use a change.

Unlike ACHE, I'm a huge fan of divorce. If you get married and it doesn't work out, you get divorced. (At least she didn't bring the god sh*t into her comments.) Divorce is no biggie. Financially, it might be difficult, especially in the beginning, but you have to weigh your happiness and emotional well-being with whatever downsides might be involved.  In your case, it sounds like it would be better for the kids to get a divorce. Do you really want them witnessing this kind of sh*t?  He's treating you badly, and it sounds like you have taken on the doormat role in this relationship. That's not healthy for either one of you.  

I like the comment about starting to question what it is YOU want - not from your marriage, but from your life. Career goals? More schooling, whether for professional goals or just for personal interests? Taking up a new hobby? Training for a marathon? Learning a new  language? Making new friends? Getting a graduate degree or a law degree?

Maybe the relationship thing has run its course for you. 7-10 years is usually a standard time to start rethinking relationships anyway.

If your emotional needs  aren't being met, it's time to move on. Good luck to you.
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154765_tn?1237251544
thank you everyone for helping me don't know what to do without you.
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172023_tn?1334675884
Ok!

*takes out phone book, looks idly at ads for divorce lawyers, looking for a hot one*
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Avatar_n_tn
i am no expert on marriage.. at all! but i have heard that seperations allow you to look from the outside in. maybe a seperation would help him realize how much he loves you and all the blessings he has. i belive there are so many options to try before a decison to divorce so maybe some time could help him and you. with 2 boys im sure your stress level is on high, so maybe it will help you decide if your marriage is worth saving. just and idea. i hope everything works out for you.. my prayers are with you.
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Avatar_n_tn
C9 - Satan on a cross, get moving, peek. What are you waiting for, ferchrissakes?!?

Sorry, but I just can't imagine this "till death do us part" routine. What a joke. We are all living too long for that cr*p. People probably weren't meant to spend their entire lives together at the life expectancies we have.

I'm a realist, though. The magical thinking just doesn't do it for me.
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Avatar_n_tn
i know its kind of hard to think forever with some one, but my parents have been married for 24 years have two kids and are actually happy! they have never had previous marriages or been divorced and have no other children outside their marriage. i know its hard to belive that the beaver cleaver life happens but it does. it hasnt always been perfect though. when i was about 13 my parents seperated for 3 months. my older brother was getting into a lot of trouble and it caused conflict betwenn my parents :punishment etc, but they realized what they could have lost and now they are better than ever. seperation is good no  matter what. it shows what you want and dont want to put up with. i understand that my parents and you situation is totally different but i really hope this helps!
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172023_tn?1334675884
7-10 years?

I'm overdue for divorce #2!
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Avatar_n_tn
Grab your E-ticket, folks, because we're going to ... Fantasyland:

"i know its kind of hard to think forever with some one, but my parents have been married for 24 years have two kids and are actually happy! they have never had previous marriages or been divorced and have no other children outside their marriage."

This is a complete anomaly. They are not the norm. The likelihood of this happening is probably near zero these days.  And please tell us you are not passing judgment  on people who in fact have had previous marriages or been divorced (let's hope both, otherwise it's called bigamy), or have "other  children" outside their marriage.

Sounds like your parents lucked out (though please don't buy into the frame that they don't have their problems, because ALL relationships have issues), but statistics continue to show that second marriages tend to be happier and more stable and fulfilling in many ways than first marriages. Presumably, that's because of life experience, age, perhaps finances being more stable, more maturity on the part of the partners, etc.  All kinds of reasons.

" i know its hard to belive that the beaver cleaver life happens but it does."

No, it's not hard to believe. Take a look around this forum. There are people here  trying to throw us back to Beaver with their religious beliefs and misogynistic attitudes. I for one don't want to go back to the 1950s, do you? Before civil rights legislation, before attitudes changed about sexuality and women and the environment in the national consciousness?  No thanks. And wearing pearls while vacuuming is so affected.

" it hasnt always been perfect though."

It still isn't. It never will be.

" when i was about 13 my parents seperated (sic) for 3 months. my older brother was getting into a lot of trouble and it caused conflict betwenn my parents :punishment etc, but they realized what they could have lost and now they are better than ever. seperation is good no matter what. it shows what you want and dont want to put up with. i understand that my parents and you situation is totally different but i really hope this helps!"

Separation can also be construed as a step towards a breakup. Once on the outside, many folks really don't want to go back in. It's great that it worked out for your parents, but  they really aren't the norm.

Here's a question to ask your 24-years married mom.  Ask her if she outlives your dad, would she  ever remarry?  My guess is that she wouldn't. She's been chained to him so long that I would bet the freedom away from a partner would blow her head off.  This seems to be more common with the women than  the men.
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154765_tn?1237251544
Im going to try to work it out with him I had along talk with him  I  told him he doesn't straighten out  he's going to lose me. He said he doesn't want to see that happen.
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Avatar_n_tn
Wow, bip, you are really strong. Sometimes that's all it takes is a little forthright conversation to yank the person back to reality. Just saying "do you realize what's happening here?" can be a wake-up call.  He probably is starting to realize how lucky he is, somehow he forgot about that and started taking you for granted.  

Keep us posted!  
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154765_tn?1237251544
I try to be strong. I  love him alot and don't want to see us apart but if he doesn't straighten out then he will see us apart.  I just want him, my 2 boyz and I have a happy family  again.  I never took so much **** from people and I will not take it from him.  He said he loves me he will straighten out and Ill be fine don't straighten out hit the road.  If things work out or not Ill let you know.
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