What to do?

[jojo24]

This is long-winded, and I apologize in advance, but thank you for any advice you have.

I have this friend whom I care about very much.  She just got married to one of my husband's best friends and they have two children together.  I think (know) that they just got married because they have children.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much about their relationship, but since I'm friends with her, and my husband is friends with him, we both know too much.

Anyway, they both complain a lot about each other to other people and they never talk to each other about their problems.  I'm on her side most of the time because he has done unspeakable things to her, i.e. stealing from her family members and having to find out from me because HE told my husband about it and my husband told me.  I thought she deserved to know.  Before it was confirmed, however, she took his side when he was being accused of it and he denied it until he found out she knew, which alienated her from her family.  He even lets his family disrespect her and his ex-girlfriend still hangs around his family, not to mention he compares her to his ex and other women, wondering why she can't be more like them.  She works and he doesn't (he can't hold down a job), they are really behind on their rent, don't have a phone, and all of their outstanding bills are in her name because his credit is terrible (and now hers is too).  Their house is always a mess, but he complains that she never cleans, but in my opinion he should clean the house because he doesn't have a job and she works double shifts sometimes just to put food on the table and buy diapers for their kids!  They only have one car between them, which he takes and leaves her at home by herself with the kids and no phone and no internet.

She suffers from depression and anxiety and he is constantly putting her down.  She says they don't have a sex life because is constantly implying that she is fat and lazy, despite her giving birth four months ago.  So because of that, she is constantly depressed.

As of late, he has been hanging out with another one of my husband's friends' ex-girlfriend and he will stay there until five in the morning and even takes their daughter over to the other woman's house.  If he is not there, he is at my house or some other friend's house, but he is never home with her.  She is very non-confrontational so she talks to me about all of the problems that they have, but won't confront him about it and it's driving me insane.  She even packed up all of her things and her kids and came to stay with us for awhile, as she was going to get their marriage annulled, but wouldn't tell him why she left.  I offered her an outlet, but she went back home to him and still hasn't even really discussed the reason why she left with him.  The other night, after she and I hung out, I went to drop her off at her house, and her husband's car wasn't there.  She asked me to take her by the other woman's house to see if his car was there and it was.  I urged her to knock on the door and confront her husband, but she refused so I took her home.  She said she would confront him about it when he got home, which she never did.

Anyway, to the point, I am really annoyed.  I want to be a good friend to her, but the only thing she does is complain about what her husband is doing or not doing, yet she does nothing about it.  It's annoying.  I have problems of my own and I feel like I can't be her therapist and friend at the same time.  I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if her husband wasn't friends with my husband, but since one of them is always around me, I'm always hearing about it.  I've told her what her options are and have tried to steer her in the right direction, but I think she likes being treated bad.  She doesn't have her family to lean on anymore because of him, and all of her friends except me don't hang around her anymore because all she does is throw a pity party for herself and people are sick of hearing it.  Frankly I'm sick of hearing it too.  I'm sick of watching this girl stay miserable because of some stupid guy, but sometimes, I get a little brutally honest, and I'm the bad guy.  So what do I do?  Spend almost everyday with her and listen to her complain about her stupid husband without saying anything?  That's hard, especially because I care about her so much.  But it's either not say anything and watch her world crumble, or say something and have her mad at me.  I don't know what to do.  Most people wouldn't lose sleep at night over this, but I suffer from depression and anxiety too, and I feel what the people I care about feel.  I have given so much advice and at least two opportunities to leave him, but she keeps going back to him and making excuses for him.  Overall, I don't think he is a bad person, but he is not right for her.  I know I can't make her see the truth and she has to see it for herself, but I don't want to abandon her and I don't want to come between her and her husband.  It's not like I want her to choose, but I do want to either see some action on her part or for her to shut the **** up about it.  What do I do?  He's 28 years old and she's 22.  She's never even had a real adulthood since she got pregnant at 19, four months after they started dating.  I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, but I also feel like if I don't say anything to her, I"m going to resent her for doing all of this complaining she's doing to me and not to her husband.  I'm going nuts.  She called from a payphone last night wanting me to come over, but I didn't go because I didn't want to hear about her drama all night.  I talked to my husband about it and he thinks I should just listen and be quiet about it, but I CAN'T DO THAT!  It's like watching a bad movie over and over and over that you wish had a happy ending, but doesn't.  It's been three years of misery between them and I'm getting exhausted from it.  What do I do, and am I a terrible friend?

[heatherlynn22]

be blunt with her. tell her either she confronts her husband or she quits telling you about it. it sounds mean BUT it's the only way you'll get her to stop complaining about him and not doing anything.

She needs to drop the loser. kids are not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. yes kids need their dad but not if he's constantly belittling mom, lazy and a deadbeat. THAT is not someone that should be around kids. He's just dragging her down and is pretty much ruining her life. She needs to tell him to either straighten up or send him packing. it sounds like he wants to live the single life. he's expecting her to work full time + overtime, take care of the kids, cook and clean while he plays with friends, possibly cheats on her (which if he's at some chicks house till 5 am i'm sure their not sipping cocoa and playing cards). she needs to let this piece of poo know that he can NOT have his cake and eat it too. it's time for him to man up or get out.

[jojo24]

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's what I keep telling her!  No matter how old the kids are they KNOW when mommy and daddy aren't getting along.  They can sense it.  He is ruining her life!  She had her life together and had her own apartment, job, and bills paid before she met him!  He was just one of those older idiot guys preying on a young, vulnerable girl, and now she's stuck.  And he swears he's not sleeping with the other woman, but whether their just talking or doing other "things" he's still having an affair, and she doesn't seem to get that!  She's just young and doesn't know any better, but I'm tired of being her crutch.  Just tired.  I just worry if I tell her that she's not going to talk to me.  It's like she'd rather not have friends but have a husband that she can't even talk to.  It's frustrating.

[jojo24]

Oh, and I forgot to mention, she told me recently that she married him hoping that things would change.  I would like to cuss, but unfortunately, I cannot do that on this website.  I, trying to be a good influence, told her that I married my husband because I accepted the way that he is and was thrilled at the thought of spending the rest of my life with him.  Nothing changed when we got married except the fact that now we can't just "break up," and my last name, of course.  But I didn't, nor would I ever try to change him.  I love him for who he is, not for the person he could potentially be, and I think that's why she married him.  Stupid reason.  Now she's stuck.  I hate knowing that.

[Judy246]

I thank God I'm single, because if I had to deal with this much drama, I would commit suicide. Way too much in each other's life. It' wonderful that you are there for her and a good friend , but she is too passive to confront her husband.. As much as you would like for her to be more assertive, unfortunately the only person that you can change is you.  

I would tell her that if she continues to permit her husband to emotionally abuse her and if she continues to pretend it's not happening, I don't want any part of it. You have our own life and your own problems without this unecessary drama. It's way too much. She's just going to have to continue falling down, until it reaches a point where enough is enough and will leave the man.

[worried159]

your story is a little familer to my own friend. anyways, she is pretty young and she might learn from this if she ever leaves him. I would have an extreme heart to heart talk with her and somehow make her feel guilty with the kids. ex. do you want your kids growing up thinking his behavior is right. is there any way you could take her and the kids in? You could tell her that. I had a friend in an abusive relationship once and i had to tell her she was better than that and to just leave him to come move in with me and we'll go from there. good luck

[dparadiso09]

he is scum these are the major points you have to make out to her:
1. her children will forever be scared having a man like that around, they will see how he cheats her (if they are female) and will always feel not good enough, have trust issues or be self conscious and scared of marriage. (if they are a boy) they will most likely think daddys behavior is okay and will repeat it in there life.
2. he is cheating on her, she is weak and vulnerable and lovves him to much to let him go even though she is in denial and any one can tell even if hes not ******* this girl, he still would rather be there then home with his family.
3. her financial situation is going to keep progressing downhill until she has to file for bankruptcy if she has not already.  drill that into her that means no loans for anything for 10 years, not credit cards, cant buy a home, cany buy a car, nothing. she is in debt and this man will ruin her life and her childrens not only emotionally but this is wrecking there future being poor they will most likely be bullied at school, not be able to go to college, etc.
4. he puts her down and calls her names although she just gave birth 4 months ago, he's a man, whether shes not trim and perfect he is still going to want to have sex unless he's cheating on her (back to #2) plus most men think pregnant women are gorgeous, the glow, life inside the belly and whatever else. if he didnt want a fat wife maybe he shouldnt have gotten her pregnant in the first place. celebritys can barely get all the baby weight off in that short amount of time and they have the best personal trainers and chefs to cook them healthy food 24/7.
5. she will find someone else, I guarantee especially at her young age she will be able to find a better man she has her whole life ahead of her and she has to stop being selfish and staying with this man because of stupid reason which are usually that she thinks she will never find another man to be with, but the main concern is now the children, she will always come second to them in life now. not to mention she's only known this man three years, after getting pregnant after 4 months she still doesnt know who this guy is.
6. she will always have a place to stay with you and a friend to lean on with you. it doesnt matter if she is getting angry staying with him, you cant just leave her. your her friend that means not hanging with her just at the fun times to party, but at the times when her whole life is falling apart. eventually she will see that she cant be with him and sometimes people have to learn from there mistakes but losing you as a friend will only make her cling to her husband more feeling like she has no one left.
7. [side note] why is your husband friends with this man? he seems like a real jerk. anyway men go into marriage hoping that there life doesnt change, women think there husband will get better. my mom did the same thing married a bad man thinking marriage would make him better. but force her to know that this is only going to get worse bc he knows no matter what he does she will be there or else he thinks why would she have married me when i was such an ***? plus the kids are his safety net to make sure he stays with him.
8. his bad behavior might escalate he maybe even physically abusive her since that is usually the next step after a person has completely destroyed the mental state of there weak partner.

i hope this has helped, of course since you know her personally be sure to add plenty of things like "remember when he did this and this" at times you know she was hurt by him most, or he showed a time of no moral character whatsoever. post back after you talk to her, id love to now how it goes!

[jojo24]

Thank you so much for your advice.  

Worried:
I offered her a place to stay and she did for a week and went back to him.  He asked her if he could come over and get some stuff for the baby while she was at work and he said, "Well, can I get your stuff too?" and she said okay.  My husband and I both reached out to her and offered our home to her even though it was a minor inconvenience.  We were willing to have her and her two kids stay with us until she found her own place but she went back with him.  I can't keep doing that if she's gonna keep running back to him.  There's no point and I don't want it to come between me and my husband because we like our alone time.  In fact, we prefer it.

dparadise09:
Trust me, I have pointed all of these things out to her.  I asked her just the other day if she wanted her daughter to think that it's okay to be treated that way and she had no response for me.  I don't want to leave her side at all.  I love her, she is one of my best friends, but I'm getting sick of all of this drama.  The majority of my husband's friends are losers and why he hangs out with them is beyond me, because he is so much more mature than all of them and we are the only ones out of all of them that have a happy marriage/relationship and don't have kids (most of them have babies mamas).  My husband works an 8 to 5 Mon-Fri steady job in Information Technology and he's younger than me!  All of his friends are friends with my friends' husband too, so EVERYONE knows about what's going on between them.  It's one big circle of drama, and I've been told that I'm the sucker who listens to her complain about everything when everyone else has dropped her because of it.  We are moving into our first house in a different city soon (about 15 min away) and I'm hoping that they don't follow us because they always do.  But once we move she cannot stay with us, my husband put it right out there- no exceptions.  I'm just like blah.  I just want the stress and drama to be over and I don't want to be a part of it anymore but I don't know how to do that and still be there for her.  Can't I just tell her to put up or shut up without losing her as a friend?

[jo929]

You can talk to her until she you are blue in the face, and it will do no good, she is going to do what she wants to, and it seems she loves to complain, well it would seem that she is a hard working person, and does not deserve this kind of tratment, and until she wakes up and decides to get riid of him, nothing will help, i suggest that you tellher, both you and your husband have enough to handle at home, and from now on if she does not want to listen to your advice to just not bother you with it, it may sound cruel, buit she needs a wake up call, also i do not see anyway that you will be able to listen to her problems and have your own family at peace, tell her when she is ready to do something you will help until then just keep it to herself, because eventually, you will make an enemy of her, if she decides you are trying to interdere with her and her husband, so let her go, and just say when you wake up call me, also tell her it is not good for the children to be put through this   luck  jo there are 2 sayings    Me THINKS SHE DOTH PROTEST TO MUCH/ yhen there is another saying and i hate to use it because it is crude, but so true it is    EITHER **** OR GET OFF OF THE POT  i dont know whether you have heard these or not, but sometimes it works  luck with all of this  jo

[megochick101]

I agree with the above. You need to be blunt about it. Tell her you love her and care for her but you have given your advice and she is not taking it so there is nothing else you can offer you about what to do with her husband(I would've kicked his a$$ to the curb LONG LONG ago!) Tell her you want to be her friend and have tried helping her with her problems many times before but if she wants anything to change in her relationship she needs to stop talking and start doing something about it. Tell her you'll always be there for her but you've given your say on the matter and she has not followed your advice at all and you can no longer handle getting in the middle of her relationship. Complaining isn't going to help her situation, she needs to do something!

I feel most sorry for the children in this situation. There father is lazy man who sounds like he's MIA half the time, and their mother doesn't have enough self respect to stand up to him and the kids are going to come out of this situation thinking this is a normal relationship between a married couple and that's just sad.

I would suggest she goes into individual counseling but that's not an option if she's already in dept. I'm sorry to say this but I doubt anything will change with your friend and eventually you may have to cut ties with her because I don't think there is anything you can tell her that you haven't already that will change her actions. It sounds like you are truly a great friend to her and truly love her but she is not giving that back to you, she is using you as a outsource of her unhappiness and you don't deserve that.

[dparadiso09]

If you've said all these things to her and she still has not listened there isnt really much you can do. she seems like even if you show her pictures off him ******* another woman she still will deny it. Dont just ignore her, tell her that her problems are effecting your marriage and are hurting you as well as putting stress on you.  tell her you have problems of your own and until she see's to it that this man is no good for her, you dont understand why she is coming to you all sad and angry when every bit of advice you give her goes down the tube. make sure she knows that your not cutting ties because its annoying hearing her ***** & complain (although that might be the reason, doesnt matter) tell her its because shes getting hurt and she is your best friend and you dont want to see her and her children suffer like this anymore. tell her when she is ready to leave him you will be there to help her pick up the pieces but for now theres not much else you can do.

[jojo24]

UPDATE:  She came over today and took me out to dinner and while we were out she asked if she could come back to my house.  I told her I'd have to talk to my hubby about it (which he left the decision up to me) and I told her yes, but this is her last chance.  If she doesn't get out of the relationship and goes back to him, she cannot stay with us again and I made that very clear.  She keeps telling me how much she loves him, and I told her that I understand that, but love isn't enough, and truthfully, I don't even think she knows what love is.  They can't afford therapy, but his father is a pastor (go figure) and she thinks she might want to go to him for counseling but I think he would be biased, just because that's his son.  I told her that if she wants it to work, she needs to put her foot down.  We did drive by this other woman's house tonight to see if he was there because the baby needed diapers and they were in his car and OF COURSE he was there.  We also stopped by his other friend's house (who is also friends with my husband) to get the two year old's car seat, and he was telling everyone there their business and she heard them.  So I'm putting my foot down.  If she decides to go back with him, I'm not offering my help anymore and she's just gonna have to find her own way.  I do hope that she finds a new place to live soon, though, because I want my alone time with my husband before we have kids of our own.  Thanks for all your advice and I'll keep you posted.

[Judy246]

It's a step in the right direction. Sometimes, advise has to be honest to get the point across when someone you care for is starting to affect your relationship with husband, home and family and taking advantage and depending on you a little too much.

Your heart goes out to her, because she feels she has no one, but can count on you, which she can up to a point and you need to be strong and put your foot down and show her that although you love her and care for her, her problems are begining to affect you. Good job and good luck.

[dparadiso09]

good luck and your making the right choice!