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When a Man Says He's Done, Is that Really what He Means?

Hello everyone I'm Jessica, I've been having a few problems with someone I would call an ex. I met him 10 months ago, and we've talked for a while and dated for 4 months until I found out he was cheating on me. We broke up, and him and the girl he was cheating on me with are still together. I found d out about 4 1/2 months ago. We have been talking off and on since we broke up but never got back into a relationship since then. We stopped all communication, then recently started communicating due to him writing me saying he misses me. After we started talking again he was starting to have lots of family problems that kind of put us on hold. He had told me he wanted to hold off on a relationship between us due to him wanting to change and becoming a better person. Recently we had sex and afterwards he told me he was done. Right after he said that the next day I found out I was pregnant. Now that I'm 6 weeks pregnant as of today, recently he told me he needs space, and we weren't really talking a lot when he found out. He started to distance himself, and when I got in contact with him last Saturday he told me that he was done. That he would be here to take care of his child. Idk if he's really stabily serious about that statement, but ladies what should I do? Try moving on, or wait to see if he comes around? I'm pregnant and my hormones are everywhere. We have a while until the baby is due but idk what to do, I'm really stuck and would really love some advice and help ..
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Avatar universal
I agree . When a man says he's done , I would just drop him and move on. It's best to say he's an *******. Any man that says they're done is really the purest form of scum. This type of man is not worth your time or energy. He is not the man that will be there for you in good times ESP in bad times. You need someone that truly cares and loves you unconditionally and will listen to you and win you over if you have an argument. He will at least try to make you feel better.

I can relate because I've been there emotionally involved with someone I met online and he cheated on me left and right. After I caught on and confronted me he said " I'm done " . Also he said lose my number ***** and blocked me. This is what " I'm done " translates to. The same guy that would text me at 5am telling me how much he loves me and so on. How special I am. It was all a lie.

Once he said he's done it proved his true colors to me. He did not try to win me over or even apologize. One year later he texts me from a new number wanting to hook up. He didn't apologize or anything. I turned him down bc I knew where it was going and that he was probably lonely for a day or he just got dumped again from one of his booty call girls. Please take my advise. This was one very important lesson I have learned.  

" I'm done " translates into , " you're not worth my time explaining myself to you , or even worth the Effort or time to make happy , charm , hear you out , comfort you , console you , give you emotional support , or simply be there for you period.  This is not the man any girl needs.

Be strong and let go of these monsters. They are truly not right in the head. They simply do not care about the girls they confess their love to. All lies. I'm done is all you need to hear to let it go. Don't look back. That loser is not worth your time. He won't be there for you even if you're bleeding in the middle of the street. He's heartless. Trust me. Phonies. Say I love you to get laid.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
My man of 14 years told me we are done in the heat of a argument. We have had arguments before and he has been telling me for month that I have been mean to him. There had been a lot going on in our lives, people in and out of our home, putting stress on us both, our relationship,  to my son taking up for me in an argument, to me neglecting my man and his needs, me having a attitude towards him for not understanding I'm doing the best I can, him not being nice saying hurtful things. Just so much. But he told me we were done and he was moving out and he did a week later. He was nice to me all week long. Now that He is gone I have reflected on everything I did. I was wrong for my actions. I have apologized. But he still wont talk to me or acknowledge me. I am truly crushed!!! I love him with all that I am. Is this relationship truly over????  





Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I see you are reasking your question.  Did you have any comment on my response?
Avatar universal
My man of 14 years told me we are done in the heat of a argument. We have had arguments before and he has been telling me for month that I have been mean to him. There had been a lot going on in our lives, people in and out of our home, putting stress on us both, our relationship,  to my son taking up for me in an argument, to me neglecting my man and his needs, me having a attitude towards him for not understanding I'm doing the best I can, him not being nice saying hurtful things. Just so much. But he told me we were done and he was moving out and he did a week later. He was nice to me all week long. Now that He is gone I have reflected on everything I did. I was wrong for my actions. I have apologized. But he still wont talk to me or acknowledge me. I am truly crushed!!! I love him with all that I am. Is this relationship truly over????  
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Ahh, I'm sorry to hear of this difficult situation.  Hind sight is 20/20, right?  But we all make mistakes and I am sure he made mistakes too and it wasn't just you! My best advice is to start working on yourself.  Think about what was going on and what triggered your reactions and state of mind. Work on fixing these things in your life.  I would consider a therapist to discuss as well.  And give him some space.  Then let him know you've been working on yourself and you'd like to try again if he has any desire to also work on it.  It's hard.  I would consider that it may not be salvable.  Do your best to move on.  hugs
Avatar universal
Ditto Chima......well said.

"He's done" translates into:

I don't want a relationship with you, but if I am in a pinch and need sex I will contact you..........only for the sex though.  

So, yes........he is serious that he doesn't want a relationship and I highly doubt he is going to be there for the baby.  I hope you are prepared to raise this child on your own dear.  Hopefully, you have great support from your family and friends.  

BTW:  Why worry about if this "ruins" the relationship between him and this other girl?  You don't really want him back?  She doesn't have him 100% and you don't either.  In fact, no girl will.  He cheats, lies and does what he wants.  Do you really want someone like this in your life?



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Avatar universal
Yes I do. And I'm 17
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I'm very sorry for this complicated situation.  Hon, why exactly would you want to be with a man like this?.  He was sleeping with two women at once.  I would not pursue any relationship with him.  You found out very quickly that you were pregnant--  hate to ask, but were you trying to get pregnant?  

I think you need to begin coming up with a plan on how to be a single mom.  I wish you all the best but it doesn't sound worth fighting for and he isn't acting like there would be much of a fight as "he's done".  good luck
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi also, your ex is very unstable and untrustworthy. i would file for child support and move on. You cant trust him. Hes just using you for his own desires.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
If you told him a week after having sex that you are pregnant,  I think you should be prepared for him to doubt that it's his baby,  especially since he's in a relationship and will have to "confess".  I think you should probably also expect him to ask for a doctor's opinion on when you conceived.

I'm just mentioning this because he's in a position not to want this baby,  and to have skepticism about whether the baby is his,  so that may affect how he reacts during your pregnancy.

Since you'll need a DNA test anyway to sue for child support,  you may not see him stepping up to the plate until he sees proof the baby is his.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm not to much trying to get child support involved unless I feel he hasn't done anything for his child as a parent. I shouldn't let my emotional problems and frustration get into the way of him doing his part as a parent also.
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Avatar universal
No. After we had sex which was on a Friday night I found out a week later.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Are you saying you had sex with him and the next day found out you were pregnant?
Helpful - 0
11740171 tn?1447943742
Your pregnancy and your baby should be your main focus. Make sure you go after him for child support, too. Do it through the courts so you don't have to deal with the emotional ups and downs that he seems to like to put you through.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So as of now what should be my main focuses?
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Avatar universal
Also do you think due to him cheating on her before, and now him having to confess to her that I'm pregnant, do you think that would most likely ruin their relationship?
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
It doesn't matter how it affects her relationship with him. The only thing you need to know is that he is not a reliable nor trustworthy person. It's time you move on with your life and do not waste any more time thinking that this is going to become some kind of magical fairy tale happy ending because he has already proven to you that he will never be that guy.
Avatar universal
Thanks. So leave everything where it is now?
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1 Comments
Make sure that you put his name on the birth certificate so that he'll be indebted to pay chlld support. Forget a "relationship" with this man, he is not interested, I'm sorry to say.  But yes, you pretty knew the score so it's not such a shock, and you can move on. Now that you have the child and yourself to worry about, i would place all my energy on setting yourself up with babysitting with family, so that i could continue my education (if you haven't concentrated fully on that already). and find yourself a great career, so that you don't have to rely upon child support, Maybe you could put aside the child support that you do get for your child's university fund. If you plan for that , if it is your will, you can do that. You can do anything you put your mind to. Do you have family support? How old are you?
Avatar universal
Unfortunately, when you chose to start talking to him again and let him back into your life after he cheated on you, all of the subsequent decisions that you made about him were not so good. It was a really bad idea to get back with him and especially a bad idea to sleep with him again.  Unfortunately now you'll end up being a single mom because he is a flaky, unreliable cheater. But you already knew this and got involved with him anyway. Hopefully you can use this as a learning experience to make better choices in the future. If a guy shows you his true colors by cheating, then he isn't worth any more of your time.

He told you more than once that he was done. I would take that to mean what it says. He's done. He doesn't want a relationship and although he claims that he will be involved with his child's life, that remains to be seen once the baby comes and once the reality of being a parent, or rather a co-parent with someone with whom you're not in a relationship with, sets in.  I truly hope that the co-parenting thing works out in the future for the sake of the baby. But there are no guarantees in life, especially when dealing with someone who repeatedly shows you through their actions and their words that they are unreliable and untrustworthy.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Well said Chima7.
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