When does the pain stop

[lovemykids465]

Well, I have not been on in awhile, but I am having a really hard time this week. You see it is two years ago last week that Joe and his co- worker started their little emotional tryst. Yes it only lasted two months but after 19 years of marriage we cant say " well two months of infidelity out of 19 years is nothing." We have been doing well but I always struggle at this time of year. Everything we do I think Oh yea two years ago while we were here he was really with her in his mind. This really *****! I do not want to say anything to him because I did last year and he ended up confiding in a client ( female) that could have gone the same way. IT didn't thank God but still. It hurt like heck. Like the other night we were at a soccer game ( one of the kids) he was up in car on his phone. I felt sick. B/c two years ago that is what would happen. So I sit there and think okay I know he is not. There are no signs and he is so attentive and a totally different person. Then he comes down and sits with me and my phone rings it is my son in the marines. He said " mom is dad there we were just on phone but got cut off. " I am relieved but mad at myself for feeling this way. Friday we have to be in two places at once so he is going to take our son to soccer game and I will take the others to the balloon rally. But then here I go again. Well two years ago we went together but I went off with kids and he was texting her the whole time! UGH! I have been fine. I hate this. But at least it is not like in the beginning. I felt like this all the time not just for a few weeks. I just hate this. I wish I can just shake it! I have to constantly make the choice to push it away but I do not even want to have to make that choice. I wish it were not on my mind.

[lovemykids465]

having a better week this week. Thanks guys. IT does help that Joe is going above and beyond to be there for me. Kate was back in the er with more seizures. Found out meds were off , she was over medicated and tried to take  herself off and thus the seizures. Home now still having them but not as many.Then our dog had her puppies this am. Been a busy day between running to Kate and the dog.

[seeana]

Hi everyone just popped on to see how things are.

I am feeling pretty good I gave up smoking,and was really shocked to find it was not too hard.
How lucky is that.Now to get off Effexor (pigs might fly)went one day without them and the  roaring in my head scared the hell out of me.

Very happy in my relationship going from strength to strength.My health was not good and I resolved to let go of the past everything!! I got my imaginary suitcase from under the bed in the spare room and hurled it in the river.

I was destroying myself and it was not fair on my guy....all the thinking and resentment were for what ??? waste of space.... from that time on its like a fog has lifted and I realized I was  still hanging  on around the edge of the black hole it was like a security blanket as I was so used to having it there.

Misery loves company at last I understand what it means,I feel so much better if I get a negative feeling I at once replace it with a positive one.

I still get angry and upset but its about our pointless Carbon tax our Labour Gov is bringing  in.

Be strong guys you will get there... look in the eyes of your trusting children and thank god how lucky you are.

One second ,one minute, one hour of every day you are one step closer, hang onto the love you have. That is the power that will see you through.

Thank you for being there in my dark days.

[lovemykids465]

Thanks Brice, I did talk to him about it. He told her it would cause problems b/c he is not allowed to talk to her. That is what upset me. I told him if that is the only reason he is not talking to her then go for it b/c I am not his mother ( I said it in a nice way) . But he said he actually has no desire to except when he has to for work, but he knows she is scared of me, ( apparently I have earned the reputation as a confrontationalist b/c I confronted her via phone and drove to the other woman's office and spoke with her.) and  used that to get her away.

Your right. It is all in my mind right now and even how I interpret things and your also right about holding it in. I find myself letting the littlest things he does bother me and really it is not those things that are the issue it is this eating at me. I just hate that he has to bring her up to me at all. I did not ask about her ( I don't b/c I may not like the answer) he just came home and said you should thank      today, or I would not have been home in time for the family reunion. Or hell say oh so and so said I am the best looking mail man etc. He says it joking but b/c of his  past with falling into the trap of compliments it gets to me. But it is just insecurity on my part. I think he thinks by telling me I will not be mad when someone else does.

[brice1967]

Bridget, I think letting Joe know how you feel or felt about the situation is absolutely fine.  Changing the subject is kind of passive aggressive.  You're mad and stewing, and changing the subject might have Joe feel as if you've moved on already.  I'd say that if you're still upset (at the time... now might be a bit late, but whatever works) to let him know and let him open up and tell you what happened.

You did say that he told her.... I think that's perfect and I think that is what you want him to do, is it not?  I'm not going to say this to make you made, but perhaps it's more of an observation.... maybe "him putting this back on you" is just your perception.  I know that Dee Dee has missed the points I am trying to convey, or has misunderstood what I was trying to say.  (I think that is normal though, considering the circumstances.)

Just take a couple of seconds to think about what was just said, try to understand where he is coming from, and if there is a question.... ask.  Get clarification on the things he said.  Dee Dee started doing that and it helped big time....  Something can be easily taken out of context... something like the phrase "I don't know" can be perceived as either "he is trying to hide something" or more simply, "he really doesn't know".  

Don't be afraid to get clarification, and it isn't a bad idea for Joe to do the same thing.  If a simple misunderstanding can be corrected before an argument, that is a beautiful thing.... then neither party has to worry about the 'cooling off period'.

[lovemykids465]

Thanks Brice. I am sorry to hear about your set back. I know how she must have felt. Joe to has hidden things not pertaining to the affair but it does bring us back there for a bit, Betrayal is betrayal no matter what form it is. But they hurt at different levels. We will always have our ups and downs but more ups the past year then downs and God knows we have had many reasons to be down but b/c of what we went through our bond is even stronger and it has made it a bit easier to get through the hard times.


I just wish Joe's transfer would come through. He told me that she came up to him today at work and actually gave him some extra help but then when he got back in the office she tried to strike up a conversation ( not work related) guess she thought since she was nice and gave him some extra help he owed her at least that, but he told her not to talk to him b/c it would cause trouble. When he told me it made me mad at her and him. First her b/c I have told her twice that if it is not work related to stay the Hell away from my husband and mad at him b/c he put it back on me like I was his mom or something. But at least he told her. I did not tell him how I felt. I just changed the subject.

[brice1967]

Ugh... when I read this it made my heart sink a little.  Dee Dee and I have been doing real good lately, but it seems as if when I reply or comment on these posts, it jinxes us.  I hope this is not the case.

I know Dee Dee still struggles with this, but it is not all of the time.  She is incredible at remembering dates and I am horrible.  For me, since this is the worst thing I've ever done in life, I think I've shut the dates out with my subconscious.  But, as time passes, each day gets a little easier.  Yeah, there will be some bad days.... but even the context of the bad days are changing.

I don't know if what I am doing is right or not, but it seems to be working.  I concentrate on my marriage, my wife, and my family at all times.  They are my main focus and my work takes a back seat to all of that.  I think Dee Dee is feeling the trust coming back.

We had a bit of a set back a couple of weeks ago.  It was completely inadvertent and didn't directly pertain to the relationship, but the fact that I had begun to use tobacco again-didn't tell her about it and was being sneaky about it threaten all of the trust that had been rebuilt.  (I didn't tell her about it because I didn't want to let her down... I failed at staying off the stuff again and I feel pretty small about myself.)  Somehow I was able to not address feeling small by not addressing the problem...... now I not only feel small about my failed attempt to stay off tobacco after about 9 months of cold turkey, I feel small because of being sneaky around her......  As much as that set her back, it did me too.

My advice is this.  Anything worth keeping is worth fighting for.  As trying as all of this has been, it has made aspects of our relationship so much better.  And Bridget, I don't know you that well.... and I too have seen people walk away from marriages with what seems to be no problems.  But I have to tell you.... if Dee Dee would have walked after what I did, I'd think about her every hour of every day, probably for the rest of my life.

Stay in there and let.... no, make the good happen.  I think complacency was at least a part of our problems, but now its a conscious effort to make things happen instead of letting things happen.  I now know there is a difference.

[lovemykids465]

I have to say, I think Maimi was right when she told me two years ago sometimes it is harder to stay then to walk away, but I will say it is worth it. I guess if I had just left I would or could have moved on by now. I see so many people do that now a days, but I do not know if I could ever really ever live without Joe. He is my soul mate. But since I made the decision to stay and work it out the infidelity is something I have to live with every day and it is not always easy. Most of the time now I do not give it a second thought but b/c she works with him and the time of year it is I tend to have a harder time this time of the year. That being said. I have the most caring husband in the world. I came home from work yesterday and he was home. He had taken off early ( July 15.09 was when things really got going between them)  to spend the rest of the day with me. ( he knew this day was engraved in my mind). He had cleaned the house and took me out to dinner, then we took our daughter ( he got a sitter for our youngest to go to soccer game with him) with us to the balloon rally ( will post pics) where her boy friend met us. We had such a wonderful time. I am blessed

[specialmom]

Oh, I love that he wanted to comfort you without knowing you needed it.  That is wonderful.  

[lovemykids465]

So true. Thank you. Thanks to all of you. After I posted this yesterday, I left work a bit early so I could go for a run and clear my mind. When I got home I had a message from my husband saying he was thinking about me and knew that this was a really hard time of year for me ( I had not even said anything to him about it) and he understood and just wanted to let me know he knows he made mistakes and is taking responsibility for them and just wanted to let me know I do not have to worry about it happening again. Later that evening I asked him if he could sense my uneasiness or had I been distant, he said no actually he was Surprised at how easy going I have been. ( shock to me b/c I have been trying not to let on but man it is eating me up inside)

[teko]

This is exactly why some people dont make it when they have been betrayed by their spouse. Its hard! Really hard! You decided to tough it out and as a result of that decision you are going to have times like this. Your common sense self is at war with your emotional and insecure side. Dont apologize for it. You are going to go and do your thing and those emotions will be with you but you cannot give into them. Your husband should understand as well that this is normal and it should not cause a fight to confide in him about how insecure you are feeling right now. If heis ANY KIND of guy he will understand and reassure you. Its a walk thru fire but if you keep the common sense person in control of things, you will get to the other side, it just might take a while is all. You must love him very very much. Remember you have been thru the worst, this is nothing compared to that right?

[specialmom]

Well, I think this is normal as we are getting over something that is painful for us.  I relived the week my mom passed away------ the days leading up to it and the week and time period that followed as the calender hit those dates for a few years after the event.  It doesn't mean you aren't recovering-------- it just means you were traumatized but what happened and still remember the pain vividly.

What I did to help was to plan things during that time.  A mimi vacation is great to take then, dates, special family events, having friends over, etc.  Change it up from the same old.  Do some extra kind things for yourself too and journal through it.  It is a period of time and I promise you as your relationship stays strong . . . the feelings will be less and less each year.  

good luck sweetie.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

This sounds terrible.  First off, I think it is totally normal to have trust issues and to go back there, for some time.  At some point, you will have to make a choice to let go and move on.  If you don't, you will drive yourself crazy.  But that takes time and maybe some help as well.  Have you thought about getting some individual counseling for yourself maybe?

Also, I think that your husband shouldn't be confiding in females or even having female friends.  To some, this may sound like a bit much, but my husband and I don't have opposite sex friends.  We are all human and by leaning on others in that manner, it could def lead to trouble, so we just avoid that all together.  Plus in your husband's past should be enough reason for him not to.  If he really wants the marriage to work, he should understand this, and should also want to make you comfortable.  

Again, I am so sorry.  mami1323 is a great person to talk to about this.  She doesn't get on here like she used to but try sending her a PM.  She and I are friends and she usually responds to those pretty quickly.  You could even copy and paste this in a PM to her.  She went through this and stayed.  Actually hers was a physical affair while she was pregnant.  I am only sharing this openly because she has.  She has had quite a journey but she is a great person to talk to about it.