Aa
When is enough enough?
Hi guys, I'm back ( lovemykids465). Four years ago I was here when I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker. ( not physical but came close) so many of you helped me through that. Than a year almost to the day later I found out he was talking to a client of his. They both said it was mainly for advice on our relationship but he finally did admit he liked the attention and used our relationship as a way to talk to her and found himself calling more often. Well her husband and I found out almost at the same time. ( I was three days later) anyway my husband almost got his a$$ kicked, and I did leave for a few days. In the meantime I have had my trust issues. Things in our life are very stressful. We have two special needs children and finances are tight but things with us have been good or so I thought. Anyway last year we had a convo about a very close girlfriend of mine. I started to feel like she was being a bit to flirty with my husband. At first he shook it off but then he noticed it. While he would be up at hospital with our daughter that would be when she would choose to visit or while I was at hospital with daughter she would bring her children and visit my husband and other children at home. While I was out of state with our daughter ( in hospital) my sister called me ( also good friends with this female) and let me know that she admitted to having a crush on my husband . Now she knew the first situation my husband and I went through. So I called my husband and asked him if while I was away for the three days if this woman had come over or contacted him. He said no. I said ok. I trusted him but let him know what my sister said. Also said I was surprised she had not called me or himself to see how things where. The next day when I arrived home she came to see me ( 2 hours after I got home) while visiting she said " Oh, sorry ( to my husband ) that I did not return your call yesterday, I was busy." I immediately left the room. He did not even attempt to follow. He knew I was furious. I packed a bag and headed to my car. He stopped me. Wrong move, I verbally unloaded on him. Needles to say this woman and I are no longer friends. But I was more upset with him for lying to me. He said he had called her b /c our youngest wanted to go play with her son and husband and to let her know how things were going. Said this was before I asked him if he heard from her and knew I would be upset if he said yes. ( NO I just would have told him to be careful) anyway, We went to counseling and things have been going well. Our daughter has gotten worse. Been in ICU a few times, finances worse but for the most part better between us I THOUGHT! so brings us to August 22. We are going away with the boys for a few days and my cell has no service where we are so I have his to call our daughter and check on her. He gets a text saying " YOu are an a$$. I do not play that game. If I knew your wife did not know we were talking I would not be talking to you." I memorize the # then give him his phone after I call my daughter. I watch him delete the message ( hoping I did not see it). I ask him for his phone again two hours later to call home but I call this woman, I put it on speaker phone. Turns out she is a client on his route. He got her # off of her business card and called under the guise of setting up an appointment for a haircut. Then they just start talking. She in the middle of divorce b/c husband cheating on her, said they just talk as friends ( but he knows how I feel about this, always leads to more) but he did ask her to lunch one day and she felt it was not appropriate. I WAS BEYOND PI$$ED and he about messed himself during the conversation. Of course we were away with boys so I had to act all fine and happy. But once home I contacted a divorce lawyer. We were still in the same house and not letting on to kids what was going on, Hell,he did not even know I contacted lawyer, we just pretty much stayed clear of one another. Then he asked me to go back to counseling with him. I agreed. He say it is not me, it is him and an attention thing, never crosses line ( since first time) but to me asking her to lunch is crossing the line. Doing it is crossing the line b/c he knows how I feel. I have good days and bad days and on one of my not so good days he was in bad mood, snapping at the kids and I and I finally told him I had contacted a lawyer but was holding off b/c I did not want it to effect our daughters fragile health at this time. He told me to get over it. So I took our $ 200.00 Wedding picture, took a knife and said, first time - stabbed my face, second time, cut it a bit more ( in the pic not for real ) and so on, until you could not see my face it was all ripped up. He was devastated at first that I ruined our picture but then he said he realized what I was saying. The next day I got a call from one of his co- workers ( male) that he was rushed to the hospital with chest pain but did not want anyone calling me. At the time I was at the doc with our daughter, so once I got home I headed out to the hospital. He was admitted in the mental health unit for four days due to a nervous break down and is now being treated for depression. He is in individual counseling and today we go together for the fifth time. He really seems to have realized the effect his actions have taken and I know alot caused from depression BUT here is where it sounds selfish on my part. Now I feel like great, not only do I have a 12 year old with Aspergers, a 19 year old with cystinuria but now the one person I should be able to lean on, I feel like I can't b/c I do not want to cause more stress on him. Plus, yes, I love him but feel so damaged I do not know if I can get passed it this time.
I asked my daughter what happened she said after talking with her brother she realized he was the instigator and apologized to her dad for her attitude. I thanked her for being the bigger person but inside I still think he handled it wrong. So I go upstairs and now work on my plan of consequences for our son. He has an older TV with VCR in it in his room. He has his PS2 hooked up to it. I remove them both from his room and place them in my closet. Then I go join the family. An hour later my son ask me if he can call his cousin to come over. I said NO, for two days you will not go or have anyone over due to the incident earlier and we will talk about the rest of your consequences later on. ( I knew if we visited the tv issue right then it would not be good b/c he was already mad about the guests). Later that day I went to my office b/c I had to take Friday off due to the VNA coming to the house to give our daughter her infusion. While there my husband called me and asked about the tv, I told him it was part of the consequence and it was not negotiable. To which he responds you know he is gonna throw a fit and just going to stir stuff up again. Well yes, but be a man and deal with it the right way. ( did not say it but thought it) put your food down and stand your ground. When bed time came at 10pm. He (son ) starts throwing a fit about tv. Told him sorry but that is the way it is gonna be. He jumps up off the sofa ( I am standing at the bottom of the stairs blocking his way up stairs ) saying he is going to get it. I said no, he ran at me and knocked me into the wall. I stepped back up and said well now you have lost it for good. He tried to lunge at me again but my husband grabs him ( in the hold we were trained to do ) and said I am taking him up to your parents. He can stay the night there. I said I agree. I call my dad let him know what is going on . ( our son generally calms down once removed from the situation) but all the way to the car he is screaming, let go off me, help he's hurting me, I hate you and so on. Anyway they are both at my parents for about 40 min. Then they both return home. Our son apologizes and goes to his room. I told my husband I agreed with the way he handled that and we discussed how it defused the situation alot sooner then the two of them going at it. It is now after 11pm and I go to bed. Suddenly there is a knock at the front door and it is the state police. A neighbor had called saying our son was outside screaming and being forced into a vehicle. My husband tells the story, I show the paper work from doc on our sons issue, officer then asks us to wake up our son ( OMG I am thinking this is gonna set him off) we do and man he lights into him. He did not cry but the fear on his face ! SORRY SO LONG! I JUST LIKE TO GIVE THE DETAILS SO THAT IT ANSWERS ALL THE QUESTIONS. Officer then said you have every right to spank your child ( told hm not an option with him ) but we do have other plans given by doc and counselors. told him about the constraining him and so on, told us what we did was the right thing. My husband was mad at neighbor but I stressed if I heard and saw that I would call too. ( My thinking was they could have called earlier when you ( husband were acting like an a$$ and threatening to break the window). Any way now my husband is mad at me b/c I do not side with him about the neighbor,
I again go to bed but being the conversationalist that I am, I go back down sad say WE need to talk now. And proceed to tell him how yes, I was proud of the way he handled the second situation but what an a$$ he was the first time and how I am sick of it. I am sick of being the calm one in the whole house. I am just as stressed if not more then he is. dealing with our son, our daughters health and trying to get past our marriage situation. Then he screams yep, there you go bring up the past again. I had a glass in my hand of water and I threw it at him. IT hit the wall and shattered. I knew it would not hit him I have terrible aim. He then proceeded to the door said he was leaving, sick of me constantly insulting him. I freaked. I was so wrong. I verbal unleashed on what a poor example he was to the kids and how he is a terrible person with anger issues and a liar and cheat. He told me to shut up and I just lunged at him, kept punching him on his chest. ( we were in laundry room in basement kids on third floor thank God). He pushed me off and just held my arms ( very tight I have bruises but He was just defending himself). When I finally snapped out of it he said he was leaving. I took his keys and threw them outside, took my keys and said I was leaving. I was sick of being the good one, sick of being hurt by him and in turn the way the kids act due to his example, and that if I did not care so much about hurting our kids I would smash my car into a tree. I got to the car door and he grabbed me and was sobbing. He kept apologizing. The thing is I was not mad at him at this point. I can not believe I did what I did.That is not me! He said he deserved it and much more but no one deserves to be hit. I am so disappointed in myself. Yesterday we were all home. Our son was good as gold. Our daughter was sick, passing 5 kidney stones. She could tell something was wrong. That I was depressed. kept asking me if I was ok. We made it through the day, My husband was very gentle and supportive but also very quite. He said some very very very mean things to me in the middle of our fight. I told him I would have rather been hit then been told the things he said. I am having a very hard time getting past them. He said he did not mean them just said them b/c he knew it would hurt me. But I am not like that. I know how bad words hurt and believe when we say things deep down there is truth to them.
I again go to bed but being the conversationalist that I am, I go back down sad say WE need to talk now. And proceed to tell him how yes, I was proud of the way he handled the second situation but what an a$$ he was the first time and how I am sick of it. I am sick of being the calm one in the whole house. I am just as stressed if not more then he is. dealing with our son, our daughters health and trying to get past our marriage situation. Then he screams yep, there you go bring up the past again. I had a glass in my hand of water and I threw it at him. IT hit the wall and shattered. I knew it would not hit him I have terrible aim. He then proceeded to the door said he was leaving, sick of me constantly insulting him. I freaked. I was so wrong. I verbal unleashed on what a poor example he was to the kids and how he is a terrible person with anger issues and a liar and cheat. He told me to shut up and I just lunged at him, kept punching him on his chest. ( we were in laundry room in basement kids on third floor thank God). He pushed me off and just held my arms ( very tight I have bruises but He was just defending himself). When I finally snapped out of it he said he was leaving. I took his keys and threw them outside, took my keys and said I was leaving. I was sick of being the good one, sick of being hurt by him and in turn the way the kids act due to his example, and that if I did not care so much about hurting our kids I would smash my car into a tree. I got to the car door and he grabbed me and was sobbing. He kept apologizing. The thing is I was not mad at him at this point. I can not believe I did what I did.That is not me! He said he deserved it and much more but no one deserves to be hit. I am so disappointed in myself. Yesterday we were all home. Our son was good as gold. Our daughter was sick, passing 5 kidney stones. She could tell something was wrong. That I was depressed. kept asking me if I was ok. We made it through the day, My husband was very gentle and supportive but also very quite. He said some very very very mean things to me in the middle of our fight. I told him I would have rather been hit then been told the things he said. I am having a very hard time getting past them. He said he did not mean them just said them b/c he knew it would hurt me. But I am not like that. I know how bad words hurt and believe when we say things deep down there is truth to them.
It finally happened. I blew! More like exploded. Not a good situation. It even got physical ( my doing). I hate what I have become. The only good thing that came out of it, is we did sit and talk for 3 hours and this time he actually listened. As many of you know our youngest son is on the autism spectrum. He looks and seems normal ( what others consider normal) on the outside, is main streamed in school, is well liked by some, hated by others because he can be down right mean, and very active. He has a very short fuse, and the littlest things can set him off ( sounds like his dad). Sunday was one of those days. We arrived home from a morning out and our son called his dog up on the sofa. I have a rule of no dogs on furniture due to the fact I hate having dog fur on my clothing. My husband told the dog to get down and our son freaked out. He actually called the dog back up on the sofa. My husband got the dog and put it in it's pen. Totally agreed with my husband up to this point. Then our son went over and let the dog out!!! I was mad but I know that there are ways of dealing with him and not the way my husband did. He started screaming at him ( I get it b/c I wanted to ) but then chased him all over the house saying when I get my hands on you your a$$ is mine, you are a disrespectful little ****. ! Now, this is my feeling, I was not mad at my husband for feeling that way because honestly at times I do, I would love to turn the little monster ( not so little 12 years old) over my knee and spank his butt! But that is not going to happen.What angered me was my husband reacting on those feelings. I jumped up stood in front of my husband and nicely said. You need to settle, let me handle it , you go for a walk or something. He pushed me to the side and said get out of my way and stop siding with him all the time. This is your problem. I was so mad but I stepped in between again and said you have 30 seconds to get out of this house or you will not like what I do. He walked to the door stepped out and then I locked it. I went to my son , told him to get his butt in his room and I would deal with him when I calmed down, amazingly he complied but ran his mouth about what a jerk his dad was. I told him to shut it and he said I always side with dad. ( Sounds familiar.) IN the mean time dad is banging on the door , threatening to break the window and so on. I opened the front door put his keys in mail box and texted him that his keys were out front and he could either go for a ride or come in when he cooled down. In the mean time I went to my room locked the door and sobbed on my bed. After a good cry, I just laid there trying to compose myself. Next thing I know I hear a loud crash and my door was busted open. In walks my husband. ( If he would have knocked I would have let him in) I asked him why he did that and he said b/c I knew you had it locked. Well that caused my son and daughter to both come running to the room to see what happened. Then my son starts screaming at his dad. I threw the blanket over my head. My daughter ( this is truly amazing on her part) takes her little brother to her room and said let's watch a movie. Looks at her dad and said ENough!!! Grow up. I do not like the disrespect but I saw her point. So my husband goes down stairs. An hour later I go down stairs and the three of them are watching football eating chips and laughing.
OMGolly, GFP, I just read Your response to another poster and what You said is a real revelation :
"If You always do what You always did, You will always get what You always got"
If only We were always wise enough to realize it's this simple.....and if only We were always strong enough to make/insist changes.....
"If You always do what You always did, You will always get what You always got"
If only We were always wise enough to realize it's this simple.....and if only We were always strong enough to make/insist changes.....
I have not told any of my friends about this b/c last time I did that it came back and bit me on the butt three years later. The one woman I posted about who was flirting with my husband is the one I poured my heart out to and she totally took advantage of our situation. Then when we confronted her on it and broke all ties with her and her family ( was hard her kids were very close to us) she went around and ran her mouth about our issues. Even contacted our son who is in the marines and serving our country and told him about his fathers infidelity. He was heart broken.
"My counselor told me to find a good friend ( female) and talk with her but I am not very comfortable with that after the last incident. That is why I post here.".......By all means, yes of course......post here.
Your situation is very complicated........indeed. NO easy solutions here.
Your situation is very complicated........indeed. NO easy solutions here.
I do, but I have not told them about the last incident with my husband. They know there is a lot of strain on the relationship due to the kids and my parents are a great support. They love my husband like he is their own, but they know about the past situations and unfortunately while I know they mean well their negative attitudes at the time where not much of a help. My dad and I are very close and he is very protective, he really came down hard on my husband in the past , they are ok now on the surface but my dad now points out every negative thing ( I work for my dad ) and will not say anything to my husband but to me , then I am dealing with that all day, so we thought it best ( counselor agrees) not to revel this last situation to them if we were willing to try to reconcile our relationship.
My counselor told me to find a good friend ( female) and talk with her but I am not very comfortable with that after the last incident. That is why I post here.
One of my husbands co- workers ( male ) is aware of all of it. He was a great support to my husband in the past but also had my back per say. He would let me know when things seemed out of sort with my husband but he did not see this last one coming. I had called him as soon as I found out to see if he was aware and hiding it from me. He was not and actually this last time he said he would understand if I left but is glad we are working it out. My husband knows we talked about it and he was/ is fine with it. Said probably the best person to trust but I told them both how can I do that when that was the problem to begin with. My husband talking to opposite sex on phone and becoming emotionally attached, so I told this friend that beside the occasional how's the family conversations that
I would no longer be calling him and would appreciate the same. He totally understood.
My counselor told me to find a good friend ( female) and talk with her but I am not very comfortable with that after the last incident. That is why I post here.
One of my husbands co- workers ( male ) is aware of all of it. He was a great support to my husband in the past but also had my back per say. He would let me know when things seemed out of sort with my husband but he did not see this last one coming. I had called him as soon as I found out to see if he was aware and hiding it from me. He was not and actually this last time he said he would understand if I left but is glad we are working it out. My husband knows we talked about it and he was/ is fine with it. Said probably the best person to trust but I told them both how can I do that when that was the problem to begin with. My husband talking to opposite sex on phone and becoming emotionally attached, so I told this friend that beside the occasional how's the family conversations that
I would no longer be calling him and would appreciate the same. He totally understood.
Hon, do you have any real support system while going through all this? Mother, father, sister, brother, cousins, etc.? It's unfortunate what happened with your female friend, well.....so-called friend.
Another day, time to have a better attitude! Yes, I have a nice red welt under my eye. The funny thing is the two of them sat and watched football last night like nothing ever happened. I just went to bed. Got up this am, my husband had made coffee while I got our son up for school. No problem with him ( strange, I was ready for him to throw a fit), I doled out meds to the kids and then when my husband got ready to leave for work he walked over to me to say good bye ( inside I was like REALLY!!! I packed my bags, have them ready in my closet just in case I get the nerve up to do it, which I won't due to the kids) and he saw my face. He kept apologizing, I know it was not intentional but ...... this is the history, his temper, then if I say anything I am nagging and that is why he does what he does. So how is it my fault. Am I wrong to tell him his method of discipline is not healthy, or that his handling of finances is not in the best interest of the family? Is that nagging? I do not think so, we are suppose to be co- parenting, making decision together, so why is it that if I say anything to him I am wrong? I just don't get it.
Now for me, How do I get past holding grudges? I never was one to do that, hold a grudge , but I am now. I watched my husband and son last night sitting on the sofa like nothing happened at all. Laughing and so on, while inside I am so frustrated with both of them, tired of being verbally mistreated by both of them. Now, I do find it easier to move on with our son, he is my child, but finding it very hard with my husband, I want to b/c I feel the longer I battle inside the more it keeps the issue alive. I just want it to be over. All I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep.
Now for me, How do I get past holding grudges? I never was one to do that, hold a grudge , but I am now. I watched my husband and son last night sitting on the sofa like nothing happened at all. Laughing and so on, while inside I am so frustrated with both of them, tired of being verbally mistreated by both of them. Now, I do find it easier to move on with our son, he is my child, but finding it very hard with my husband, I want to b/c I feel the longer I battle inside the more it keeps the issue alive. I just want it to be over. All I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep.
So right now I am feeling that I AM DONE! but I am stuck! I honestly do not know if I really do love him anymore. No, let me correct that. I love him but I am not in love with him. I have tried but it's just not there, but then whenever I say anything to him and he gets weepy or whatever then I feel bad for hurting him and get suckered right back in. Maybe it is a co dependency thing. UGH IDK. I am stuck b/c of the children. Finances can bite my butt! He is the one who screwed that up and then the bills due to our daughters condition but I can no longer take the tension in the home and if I say one thing to him about it he plays the victim! I am sick and tired of it.
Our son missed three days of school and had back work, of course this sent him into orbit. Yesterday I tried to sit with him and do it and he was freaking out screaming, cursing and carrying on, so I just left it,. If he does not get it done. He will have to pay the consequence, but I did complain to my husband that I am sick and tired of being the nice one while everyone else freaks out on me for no apparent reason, Of course he plays the " you can never let things go card on me". Friday the VNA came and set Our daughter up with an IV drip for four hours, so I could not go to work, no biggie but then when they left she griped and complained about it the whole time and wouldn't you know as of today she has passed 9 Kinney stones. I feel bad she is in pain BUT if she would drink the 3 liters daily she is suppose to this would not happen. Then today my husband tried to get our son to do his homework and the same thing happened but instead of walking away like we have been advised to by the counselors, he my husband has to puff his chest and start screaming and swearing at our son, which in turn sends our son into a full blown rage, hitting, cursing and so on. My husband physically went after our 12 year old son! NOw I get that enough is enough and we have been trained on how to constrain him but that is not what was going on. I jumped up to stop my husband before he did something he regretted and he throw his arm back and his elbow caught me in the eye! Needless to say I now have a nice cut and I am sure it is going to bruise. I screamed at him, pushed him up to the wall and told him to get the hell out that I was sick of it. He continued to yell at our son and I, so I just got in the car and left. I took his keys too because if you recall he did have a break down two weeks ago and I did not know what he was liable to do. I did call him and he was in the garage cooling off ( good thing ) but to me the damage is done. I am so sick of this crap. How can I take my son back and forth for counseling and be told what and what not to do and expect it to work when the example his father is showing negates it all. So here I now sit wanting to pack my bags and leave BUt I can not leave my daughter who is passing stones and am afraid to leave my son for fear his dad will freak out on him. The sad thing is I totally understand how my husband feels. This kid is out of control but you have to choose to do the right thing!
Our son missed three days of school and had back work, of course this sent him into orbit. Yesterday I tried to sit with him and do it and he was freaking out screaming, cursing and carrying on, so I just left it,. If he does not get it done. He will have to pay the consequence, but I did complain to my husband that I am sick and tired of being the nice one while everyone else freaks out on me for no apparent reason, Of course he plays the " you can never let things go card on me". Friday the VNA came and set Our daughter up with an IV drip for four hours, so I could not go to work, no biggie but then when they left she griped and complained about it the whole time and wouldn't you know as of today she has passed 9 Kinney stones. I feel bad she is in pain BUT if she would drink the 3 liters daily she is suppose to this would not happen. Then today my husband tried to get our son to do his homework and the same thing happened but instead of walking away like we have been advised to by the counselors, he my husband has to puff his chest and start screaming and swearing at our son, which in turn sends our son into a full blown rage, hitting, cursing and so on. My husband physically went after our 12 year old son! NOw I get that enough is enough and we have been trained on how to constrain him but that is not what was going on. I jumped up to stop my husband before he did something he regretted and he throw his arm back and his elbow caught me in the eye! Needless to say I now have a nice cut and I am sure it is going to bruise. I screamed at him, pushed him up to the wall and told him to get the hell out that I was sick of it. He continued to yell at our son and I, so I just got in the car and left. I took his keys too because if you recall he did have a break down two weeks ago and I did not know what he was liable to do. I did call him and he was in the garage cooling off ( good thing ) but to me the damage is done. I am so sick of this crap. How can I take my son back and forth for counseling and be told what and what not to do and expect it to work when the example his father is showing negates it all. So here I now sit wanting to pack my bags and leave BUt I can not leave my daughter who is passing stones and am afraid to leave my son for fear his dad will freak out on him. The sad thing is I totally understand how my husband feels. This kid is out of control but you have to choose to do the right thing!
Well it's 4:30pm and I still have not been to bed. My son had to be at doctor at 8:20am has sinus infection and bronchitis. Go figure. As soon as we walked in the door the Visiting nurse called and said she was on way to flush my daughters port , take blood and run fluid over a four hour period. She was not suppose to come till next week. Oh well, Had to call in work, thank God I work for my dad. My husband just called, on his way home from work and wants to go out. UGH! I am exhausted but don't feel like I can say no.
So, it is 3am and I have been up since 1am. Went to bed at 11:30pm. I hate this! My mind is racing and it is not even about my relationship with my husband. He was surprisingly very supportive yesterday without me even sharing with him how I was feeling. But our Son had a major melt down at 9pm last night. He has been home sick from school the past two days with a sinus infection which has flared up his asthma. At 8pm I took his temp and it was 101.8 so I made the comment no school for you tomorrow and it sent him into a tantrum. He has had trouble in the past keeping up on his work and so far this year has done pretty good but now he is afraid it is starting all over again. I tried telling him he would catch up and so on but anyone that knows Aspergers knows there is no reasoning when they are like this. He started 7th grade this year and it is a big change for him and I think it is really triggering some anxiety. So it took me over an hour to calm him down, but in the meantime I could see the anxiety in my husband climbing. He is not at a point where he can help me with our son right now, so he just went up to our bedroom and went to bed. In one way this was a help b/c usually he can have a negative effect on our son, he tries to reason with him , gets frustrated when it does not work and starts to yell, in turn our son throws a bigger fit, so removing himself from the situation is a help. But then there are times when I am just at the end of my rope emotionally and my husband has been able to step in and handle the situation. But not at this time. So now my mind is racing with what can I do to help our son. I just emailed his guidance counselor and asked her to get me all his back work and we will spend the weekend catching up ( FUN - MELT DOWN CENTRAL), how to help my daughter deal with the news that she is in renal failure and how t help my husband keep it together. UGH!!! Calgon take me away for a very long time lol.
You are a very Strong Woman. Your Trials and Tribulations have been many and have been (still are) great. I disagree that what You are feeling is "selfish" - being honest with YourSelf about Your feelings and being frank about how You are feeling after all You've been through is not "selfish". Whatever His "reasons" are, Your Husband has failed You & failed You again. Don't beat YourSelf up for how You feel. It's normal to feel the way You do. More people than not would have broken under less burden than You carry.
I'm glad You feel You are doing the right thing. I think You are too. But You are paying a price to "do the right thing" and I commend You for that. It's okay to be mad at Him. He's done wrong. Emotional Security is as important as Physical Security. You are Both doing the best possible thing by being in counseling/therapy, but I think True, Sincere, Human Emotion is allowed when SomeOne has hurt us very deeply. I don't call that being "selfish" - I call it healthy realization as opposed to denial and stuffing Your feelings.
My Heart Is Heavy For You, And Your Daughter As Well
I'm glad You feel You are doing the right thing. I think You are too. But You are paying a price to "do the right thing" and I commend You for that. It's okay to be mad at Him. He's done wrong. Emotional Security is as important as Physical Security. You are Both doing the best possible thing by being in counseling/therapy, but I think True, Sincere, Human Emotion is allowed when SomeOne has hurt us very deeply. I don't call that being "selfish" - I call it healthy realization as opposed to denial and stuffing Your feelings.
My Heart Is Heavy For You, And Your Daughter As Well
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh, sorry about the renal failure. That's rough. She will feel so much better though when she starts it. The toxins from renal failure really wreak havoc on someone mentally. But it is so very hard for a young person to face dialysis long term. Is she on a transplant list or anything?
As you can see today has been an emotional day and he must have picked up on it b/c he has sent me numerous texts this afternoon, saying he loves me and sorry he hurt me ( I did not tell him how I was feeling. Counselor said not good to right now) and so on. But we had joint counseling yesterday and I think he realizes it brings emotions up for me.
To top things off, I just got a call from my daughters nephrologist saying her last test showed renal failure. We are waiting to hear from the VNA , he is sending them over to flush her port, give her fluids and do more blood work so that they can start dialysis. She is now hysterical. I told her we knew this was coming just figured she would be a bit older. But she thinks it may be due to the over dose. Told her if so there is nothing she can do about it but do the right thing now.
To top things off, I just got a call from my daughters nephrologist saying her last test showed renal failure. We are waiting to hear from the VNA , he is sending them over to flush her port, give her fluids and do more blood work so that they can start dialysis. She is now hysterical. I told her we knew this was coming just figured she would be a bit older. But she thinks it may be due to the over dose. Told her if so there is nothing she can do about it but do the right thing now.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I hear what you are saying. Honestly, with what is going on with your kids and your daughter that is in a very vulnerable, crisis state having tried to commit suicide, you want your husband to not be adding to your stress or needing caretaking himself.
I don't think his depression gives him a free pass for his past actions. But it is a wake up call to him that he has been messing up and needs to take his mental health and actions seriously or you will be gone. That's on him.
You take care of your kids and be an ear to listen for him but he is in charge of making the changes right now.
Vent away any time you need to dear. peace
I don't think his depression gives him a free pass for his past actions. But it is a wake up call to him that he has been messing up and needs to take his mental health and actions seriously or you will be gone. That's on him.
You take care of your kids and be an ear to listen for him but he is in charge of making the changes right now.
Vent away any time you need to dear. peace
I know deep down that I am doing the right thing, but it is not easy. You would think it would get easier every day but it actually gets harder. I think the better he does ( with not beating himself up) the worse I feel. I guess I feel as long as he shows remorse then he is but when he goes on with life like nothing happened ( which he really doesn't, in counseling he talked about how every morning when he looks at me he is reminded of how deeply he hurt me and how he feels he will never measure up or earn my trust again, but part of me thinks " Is he just saying that for my benefit) which I know he has to do to get through this without ending up in the hospital again, but it does not seem fair ( I know I am being selfish here) he once again made a mistake but I am the one who suffers the hurt and pain while he gets to move on knowing that I am here and willing to work things out. But that is a decision I have made so now I have to find a way to deal with the pain and hurt without placing it on him. IDK if that makes any sense to anyone.
One thing I did not post in my original post was that a week after this last incident, our daughters boyfriend of 19 months broke up with her. She was an emotional basket case. He said it was to much on him ( we understood but she did not) any way one night she got into her pain med and tried to kill herself. She was in the hospital ICU for 3 days and then went into a mental health facility for five days. They had to release her because she was scheduled for surgery on her kidney. My husband really did step up to the plate at this time, but now 8 weeks later things are a bit calmer and I think that is why I am having a hard time now. As long as I am busy I do not have time to think of what was done to me, but I know holding it in and not really dealing with my feelings is not the best but I am to busy with all of them to really get what I need, That is why I am here. Pretty much just to vent and get it out.
One thing I did not post in my original post was that a week after this last incident, our daughters boyfriend of 19 months broke up with her. She was an emotional basket case. He said it was to much on him ( we understood but she did not) any way one night she got into her pain med and tried to kill herself. She was in the hospital ICU for 3 days and then went into a mental health facility for five days. They had to release her because she was scheduled for surgery on her kidney. My husband really did step up to the plate at this time, but now 8 weeks later things are a bit calmer and I think that is why I am having a hard time now. As long as I am busy I do not have time to think of what was done to me, but I know holding it in and not really dealing with my feelings is not the best but I am to busy with all of them to really get what I need, That is why I am here. Pretty much just to vent and get it out.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there, yes, welcome back. I remember you well and am sorry to hear more of this 'stuff' has transpired over time. My honest opinion is to allow him to address his depression and embrace that. I know it is hard with all the other things you have going on and I am not saying play nursemaid to him. But with the amount of things you've stuck around for, I'd honestly see if he can find it within himself to make changes now. He knows what is on the line. You've contacted an attorney and know that you can go that route. so, I absolutely agree with tink's post above.
I am so hoping that he will work through this. I'm so hoping that this is the end of it. It's hard to overcome but the good news is he's never had a physical relationship and he's not come close to what he did with the first coworker. And wow, if I had a friend like the friend that 'had a crush' on your husband----- I'd have let her have it! What a gross person that was!!
Anyway, I would try this last time. You know your options if it doesn't work out and are prepared to act on them this time. He knows that too. Lots at stake here and my hope is that it is very motivating for him to get sound medical treatment and to turn this around. peace
I am so hoping that he will work through this. I'm so hoping that this is the end of it. It's hard to overcome but the good news is he's never had a physical relationship and he's not come close to what he did with the first coworker. And wow, if I had a friend like the friend that 'had a crush' on your husband----- I'd have let her have it! What a gross person that was!!
Anyway, I would try this last time. You know your options if it doesn't work out and are prepared to act on them this time. He knows that too. Lots at stake here and my hope is that it is very motivating for him to get sound medical treatment and to turn this around. peace
Of course You don't want to give up, nor should You. You've invested Your entire life and there are mutual Children. This isn't 'just' about You, it's about Them too, He betrays His entire family. It's wrong and unfair that He has put this pain on You. I totally understand why You stay, why You would want to and why maybe You even should - but meanwhile, I'm going to sit here and I'm going to be mad at him. Real mad. He's earned it.
I'm glad He's getting help and I hope He spends the rest of His Life bending over backwards to make You feel better. You deserve that from Him and if His remorse is genuine He will be glad for the opportunity to prove to You what You mean to Him.
Regards
Tink
I'm glad He's getting help and I hope He spends the rest of His Life bending over backwards to make You feel better. You deserve that from Him and if His remorse is genuine He will be glad for the opportunity to prove to You what You mean to Him.
Regards
Tink
He is a very friendly caring person most of the time. Good looking but very low self esteem. Had a very rough childhood. Parents died when he was 13 and was shipped from older sibling to sibling till he was 18. He later on found out he was adopted. His birth mother had an affair got pregnant with him and gave him up for adoption. Every situation he has been involved in has had to do with woman who were having trouble in their relationship and he has been an ear for them but......
Tink, I do not know what to say, do I love him, yes, do I think what he has done to our relationship is wrong, yes, He is getting help but I live with the constant thought what if he does it again or what if next time he crosses the line to the next step. IDK. Right now I stay b/c of the kids and finances and things seem to be getting better but IDK for how long, I guess I just don't want to be a sucker. But I also do not want to be a quitter. I do not want to give up on 20 years of good for 5 years of bad but it has been the last five years.
Tink, I do not know what to say, do I love him, yes, do I think what he has done to our relationship is wrong, yes, He is getting help but I live with the constant thought what if he does it again or what if next time he crosses the line to the next step. IDK. Right now I stay b/c of the kids and finances and things seem to be getting better but IDK for how long, I guess I just don't want to be a sucker. But I also do not want to be a quitter. I do not want to give up on 20 years of good for 5 years of bad but it has been the last five years.
OMGolly!! I am SO sorry!!
I so remember Your story and my heart is heavy to read Your present post. It doesn't sound like things have changed a great deal in 4 years. First and foremost I'm so sorry You've had, still have, the health issues with Your Children. That alone is more burden than anyone should have but Your Husband has let You down big-time.
My personal feeling is cheating and lying to Your spouse is infidelity - sex or no sex. And in my book, He is a serial cheater. He knows Your standards/feelings about this and He is 'choosing' the behavior - and then lying to You about it. Lying and hiding something is cheating whether sex is involved or not. That being said, I'm sympathetic to depression but bottom line is, We are responsible for Our behaviors. We all have baggage, issues, unhappy ChildHoods, whatever - but at some point, We have to take responsibility for Our own choices and behaviors. Many, many People who have depression are not unfaithful to Their Spouse.
I'm not about to suggest what You should do here, but I offer this as food for thought.
There IS a limit to how much pain any Man/Husband is worth - if He hurts You and He keeps hurting You, maybe He's not good for You. You need to let Your intelligence control Your emotions, not the other way around.
It's good to know He is in individual counseling and that You are Both counseling together.
I Wish You Luck From The Bottom Of My Heart
I so remember Your story and my heart is heavy to read Your present post. It doesn't sound like things have changed a great deal in 4 years. First and foremost I'm so sorry You've had, still have, the health issues with Your Children. That alone is more burden than anyone should have but Your Husband has let You down big-time.
My personal feeling is cheating and lying to Your spouse is infidelity - sex or no sex. And in my book, He is a serial cheater. He knows Your standards/feelings about this and He is 'choosing' the behavior - and then lying to You about it. Lying and hiding something is cheating whether sex is involved or not. That being said, I'm sympathetic to depression but bottom line is, We are responsible for Our behaviors. We all have baggage, issues, unhappy ChildHoods, whatever - but at some point, We have to take responsibility for Our own choices and behaviors. Many, many People who have depression are not unfaithful to Their Spouse.
I'm not about to suggest what You should do here, but I offer this as food for thought.
There IS a limit to how much pain any Man/Husband is worth - if He hurts You and He keeps hurting You, maybe He's not good for You. You need to let Your intelligence control Your emotions, not the other way around.
It's good to know He is in individual counseling and that You are Both counseling together.
I Wish You Luck From The Bottom Of My Heart
Hi and welcome back. If you not comfortable with this life style then by all means end it. But if all of this is just attention seeking behavior on his part, then just consider him a flirt and focus on the bigger picture of keeping your children safe and moving forward in your own life creating fullfillment.
Its amazing the number of women that are attracted to him! Why do you think this is so?
Its amazing the number of women that are attracted to him! Why do you think this is so?
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