Where to go from here..

[yorkylass]

Hi, I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3 yrs.
From the very beginning we've had our fair share of problems in the bedroom, but, we love each other and tried to work through them. One issue is unresolved and driving me mad.
Basically I feel like he makes no effort with me and I'm funding I refuse sex more and more, with the attitude if he can't be bothered then why should I?
A typical example is nothing is said or done all day, we stay up watching tv till we are both tired, we get in bed and here's the problem, he asks if I want sex. If I say yes, guns away, if I say no I get a kiss goodnight and we go to sleep. Am I too demanding wanting more?
I have told him how I feel, several times, the initial time after the discussion he makes an effort then nothing.
I've been telling him I need to feel wanted, needed and desired.
I've suggested films, role play, dressing up and other stuff, but, nothing apart from the initial time is any different.
So, the upshot is I'm saying no more and more and he doesn't seem bothered. I refuse and he just goes to sleep.
I don't know where to go from here, I've told him I need more for 3 years plus, and lots and lots of times
am I too demanding? Should I accept what's on offer?
Thanks

[vmvnpv]

You're welcome.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's a tough situation to be in.  If you need to talk feel free to send me a message.  I'll be praying for you guys.

[yorkylass]

Thanks for listening and taking the time to reply. I've had it out with him AGAIN, he says arguing just makes him tired, so he's left me in a state and gone to sleep, like he always does.
If this us all the effort our marriage is worth to him then maybe I should just cut my losses. I can't fight this for the both of us.
We're going on holiday in 2 weeks, I'm going to tell him I want a trial separation when we get back. I'm a 39 year old woman breaking my heart over someone who doesn't seem to give a damn about making things work.
I've cried too many tears over how he makes me feel, it's partly my fault, I give him chances to prove what I NEED to feel, I know it's just talk, I'm allowing him to do this to me over and over. I have to stop for my own sanity.
Once again thank you for taking the time to reply and read about my problem. X

[vmvnpv]

Men who want to cheat can find ways to cheat.  Lunchtime at work.  Late nights "at the office."  It's not impossible.  Men know the right things to say but actions speak louder than words.  Just don't close your eyes completely.  He may not be cheating but it's not impossible.

However, I can't stress enough that if you want to save your marriage you both need to go to marriage counseling.  Individual counseling would also benefit the both of you.  He's breaking you down.  Your self esteem is suffering.  But there is something going on with him and it needs to be addressed by a professional.

[yorkylass]

He hasn't time foe anyone else, he's so caring, telling me he loves me all the time, telling me the kids and I are is life. When push comes to shove, they're just words.
This us tearing us apart, each time I tell him how it is, he says he'll show me and be patient. It's all bull, nothing ever changes, until now, I won't be swallowing his lies again. Making me clutch on to straws he offers for him to snatch away in his next breath.
You're right, he's not normal, I have a bedroom drawer with toys I've bought for fun, he's never once touched them.
I'm beginning to see this is not my problem, it's nothing to do with me, it's him. Somethings wrong with him!

[vmvnpv]

I hate to even say it but do you think there's someone else?  This is not normal behavior for a man unless he's cheating.  Or there's something mentally going on.  I usually think it might be stress related and it may be but I really don't think it is.  If he's not cheating I would suggest you two go to marriage counseling asap.

[yorkylass]

I have done many things to initiate things.
I bought sexy undies from a well known sex shop, he said he didn't like them. I asked him to choose some, handed over the catalogue that came with it, still waiting 3 years on.
I caught him watching porn on his own, I suggested we watch it together, he said he didn't feel at ease. I threw the whole lot out. It was on his pc, laptop, phone, videos and DVD in cupboards. I won't tolerate him waiting for me to get one foot out if the door before he gets his kicks. Nothing against porn, it can work wonders, but, it's the sneakiness and dishonesty I can't handle. We've tried to watch it together a few times, but, it's not the same for him.
Without being too crude I remember once I starting giving him oral sex, I noticed him
look at the clock, he told me to "get off" he was going to be too late to put the lottery on.
I have tried so hard, my self confidence is 0

He's knocked my self confidence so badly, I need him to prove he fancies me. I've told him all of this. Still nothing but "are you up for it" last thing at night.
Now what do I do?  

[vmvnpv]

You're not being too demanding.  Nor should you accept what's offered.  But maybe he's not getting what you are trying to tell him.  Why sit back and let him take the lead?  SHOW him what you want.  If you want role play, put on a cute outfit and be waiting for him to come home.  Or put on some sexy lingerie and interrupt his TV watching.  Where does it say the man has to initiate sex?  YOU take the initiative.  He's probably listening to your cues, hence why he asks if you want sex and if you say no he just kisses you and goes to sleep.  Body language speaks volumes.  He doesn't want to make you do something you don't want to do.  He's probably become tired of your sex lives too.  If his wife does nothing but watch TV and dress in sweats, that's a turn off to a man.  They want sexy.  They want sultry.  I'm not saying this is your fault.  Not by any means.  But if you want results you need to show him what you want.  Then, hopefully, he will start doing what you want him to do.  Good luck!