Who's Your Daddy?

[Surfgreen]

First, this happened to me nearly 20 years ago now.  I dated a girl for less than a year while we were both attending the same college.  I was 22 years old and she 21.  We never discussed the idea that we were to see each other exclusively.  About nine months into the relationship, I decided I didn't want to see her anymore.  This is cowardly, I know, but I didn't tell her I didn't want to see her I just spent a lot of time at friends' houses so I was never around when she stopped by my apartment.  Thinking she would get the hint and start dating somebody else.  Other friends had then seen her around campus with another guy.  All I wanted was for her to move on and to date somebody else.  She was not right for me, at least at that point in my life.  I had this strange feeling she had some sort of fatal attraction for me and was much more serious about a relationship than I was.

About a month after hearing that she was spotted several times around campus with this other guy, she told me that she was pregnant.  That I was the father.  I did the math in order to determine if I could be the father or not.  It was close, I calculated that she became pregnant around the time we last slept together and when she started seeing this other guy.  This might be the key, once prior to having sex (at the time I had it in my mind I didn't want to see her anymore) she told me that she was trying a new contraception device (some sort of foam or jelly, I don't know what the heck it was) and that she wanted to feel me in side of her all the way through my climax.  I was stupid and did go along with this and did not use a condom or pull out before I ejaculated. Llooking back on it I feel she was trying to get pregnant by me maybe in order to trap me.  Forcing me to become a father when I didn't want to be one.  At the same time she could have been sleeping with other men, I just know that she was seen with this one guy for sure.  It has been 20 years, but if I remember correctly, she told me that she hadn't slept with nobody else.  I didn't confront her about this other guy and I should have right then.  Knowing her, I didn't believe that she wasn't sleeping with this other guy and maybe more.

She had always pointedly told me I had to be the father.  It was not that cut and dry in my head. Of course, at that time I didn't want to be the father either because I had already decided I didn't want to date her anymore and that our relationship was over.  I was in the middle of getting my college degree and I was not financially or mentally prepared for a fatherhood or a family.  

While she was pregnant, maybe 4 or 5 months in, she married this other guy.  The same guy she was seen with around campus.  I thought, she must have told him it was his child and he did marry her.  I believed she was telling both he and I that we were the father and she didn't truly know herself.   Because she married this other guy, I didn't think to sue for a paternity test.  Besides not wanting to be the father, I didn't want to force a paternity test on a girl who had married another guy while pregnant, thinking she told him he was the father.  At the same time, I still had the feeling that she wanted the child to be mine rather it truly was or not.  It was I that ended our relationship after all and she had this fatal attraction for me.

I am not sure of the timeframe, but maybe a year after her child was born, she called me to let me know that she got a divorce.  She was not telling me all true reasons behind it all.  Maybe, this guy somehow found out he was not the father?  Maybe, he knew all along he was not the father, but married this pregnant girl anyway because he fell in love with her in less than six months' time?  I was so confused and I am still just as confused 20 years later.  What should I have done?  Was it likely she was telling both this other guy and myself that we were the father of her child?  Why didn't she sue us for a paternity test?  Seems to me that only a paternity test would have resolved the issue.  As I said, I didn't want to be a father and I was not interested in a relationship with the mother.

There is a second half of this story.  Where I did get married and my wife was due to give birth to our child.  I won't go into it now because my question is too long now.  Please, any thought on my post would be appreciated.  What should have I done?  Was I the jerk in all of this?  Was I selfish?  Was this girl out to trap me because she sensed I was about to dump her?

[mayflowers]

Yes, you were a jerk and you were selfish.  It takes 2 people to get pregnant so if you really wanted to prevent a pregnancy you would have declined sex or used a condom.  She may have tried to trap you but you were stupid enough to fall for it.  If you really make yourself feel better, donate some money to a homeless shelter.  Do something good for society.  Teach your kids not to make the same mistakes you did.

[jml1986]

Ok, I guess I am going to be odd man out on this one. Maybe things were not done the right way, but I gotta tell you at 20 years old and in college, I would guess that most guys would have reacted the same way, right or wrong. My guess is it was a double wrong, she may have been trying to trap you and you did not take responsibility for your actions. Sadly the only person that pays is the child. As for now, nothing will change, however in the future the child may come looking for you and then a paternity will be needed to prove if you are the father. Again the child will suffer, one because it will take a test to prove who its father is and two if you are the father, you knew about the child and wanted nothing to do with it. So, for now all you can do is wonder, but if the child does come looking for you, do the child a favor and help him find out for sure if you are in fact the father that has been missing in his life.

[Surfgreen]

I actually posted my same post on the Divorce & Break Ups board.  I have since replied to the responses I received there.  

[jo929]

it is 20 yars to late to wonder now, let it go      jo

[AHP84]

If you're wondering and feeling guilt, then go find out for sure to give yourself closure. Track down the mother and get in contact with her. Ask her if she would be okay with giving you the contact information of the child, and if the child would be okay with finding out about you.
If everyone is okay with finding out about this, then go for it. It will give all of you closure, and you can move on with your lives from there, wherever they may lead.
If they both want nothing to do with you now, then accept the fact that you were a selfish jerk, she may have been a selfish jerk as well, you made a mistake and didn't take responsibility for finding out if you needed to remain involved, and let it go. At least then you will know, 20 years after, that you finally stepped up to the plate to take responsibilities for your actions.

[santana8]

Hi, I'm not the girl in your story, but in another story with another guy I am the girl. My son is 15 years old now, and some of the things in your story are identical to what happened between my son's biological father and I.  One difference is I did tell him that I wasn't taking any protection and that I didn't want a child with him until we were sure we were going to be together. We talked about it before we had sex and he promised to do something that he ended up doing. Once I can understand could have been an accident, but after a month of worring that I might be pregnant the next time I trusted him again and guess what he did it again. THis was the time that my son was concieved. I got mad and we argued about it. He said he would love for me to have his baby  and that I would look cute pregnant. He talked about us being together as if he had a plan that I had no say in. He was in the middle of a divorce and so was I. we were not in college. He was 28 and had three kids already with the women he was divorcing. I was 25 and didn't have any children. My husband at the time was the first and only man I had ever been with before I met him. My marriage was bad, and my husband was an alcoholic and mentally and physically abusive. I had been miserable the whole 7 years I was with him. I must have loved him when I married him, but 7 years of abuse killed any feelings I had for him. That is no excuse for doing what I did, but I really loved this other man and I had full ententions of being with him for the rest of my life. He said he loved me, He acted like he did, but when I told him I was pregnant He got scared and ran.  I asked him if he wanted to be a father to his son because I was leaving if he did not want to. He said that if I left I could take the baby with me, but if he left he would lose his other kids and that they were already attatched to him. Ane I said what about him. He said what he don't know will not hurt him. He told me I need to find someone and marry them and let them help me raise him. I asked him if he loved his son. He said  yes and he loved me too, but he couldn't lose his other kids.And he got back with his wife. I got a divorce and moved  to another state and started raising my  son on my own. I brought my son back when he was one year old to see him. It was snowing outside and very cold. I went to a garage where I knew he was working.He was gone to get a car part when I got there, but The other guy who was there told me we could wait inside the garage for him.(I didn't tell the other guy who I was or what I was there for) Wen he got back and came in there we both were.  My son was just learning to walk and he was running all over the place.  He walked in and the look on his face was undescribable. He didn't say one word. He walked over to the car he was working on and started working on it as if we were not there. My son jumped off my lap and ran over to him and grabbed his leg. He smiled at my son and as soon as my son let go of his leg he almost ran to the front of the car and got under the hood. I picked my son up and walked around to the front of the car and said to him, I brought your son to see you ,do you want to hold him? He had not said anything the whole time we had been there. But when I said that he said what good would that do. I said he is your son. He said I can't let it go that far. And he kept on working under the hood, never looking me in the eyes. I asked one more time.I said are you sure you donn't to hold him, I drove three hours to bring him.When I said that he threw his wrench down under the hood and ran( not walked) out to his car and left telling the other guy to call him when we were gone. Before he ran out   I got a look at his face and I saw tears in his eyes. I didn't contact him for the next 10 years, because about one year after I brought my son to see him there , I  met someone new.I ended up with this man and had two more son's with him.He raised my oldest son since he wast two years old. I always called him by his first name in front of my son and then one day we were in the car coming home and my son said daddy are we almost home.From that day on he has been his dad. I didn't lie to my son about the fact that he had a biological father out there, but he never really asked unil he was 13. When he asked who he was I told him the truth. He wanted to know for sure. so twelve years after that meeting at the garage I called him up and told him that he was asking about him. He hung up on me.So I went to see him, and he threatened to call the law. Then came the name calling and the accusing him of  belonging to someone else. All  I wanted was for him to talk to my son and answer the questions that I could not answer. But he made the mistake of letting the B word come out of his mouth(He is a preecher now) go figure! Anyway by the following week I had him served with a paternity order.He showed up much to my surprise He stood right beside my son and me while they swabbed our mouths. He never said one word to either one of us.His lawyer shook my sons hand, but he did nothing but hold his head down. He couldn't even look at my son or me. Anyway the DNA tests came back 99.99% that he is the father. That was two years ago. My son is 15 now. Still he won't acknowlege this even to himself. My son don't talk about him much at all. When he does he says he  had his chance and he blew it. Still to this day I have never said one bad thing to my son about his biological father and I never will. He will have to answer to his son someday ,not me. I tried everything I could to give him a chance to know his son. I wrote this story to let everyone know that this kind of thing you never really get over, you just have to learn to live with it.  The reason I had the test done was because my son wanted to know and he has that right!

[Raine9]

There's has to be a reason that you are bringing this up after 20 years.  At any rate, there's no way of telling who the father is without a paternity test.  If you knew that you were the father, would it make a difference?

What is the second half of the story?  How does it relate to what you have already written?

[faithfulchild]

No you didn't make the best choices then but i don't see how this is going to change anything. I don't know if it is too late for you to have a relationship with both of them. My suggestion is that you find out the truth and take it from there. It is no use worrying about what you did in the past. If this child is indeed yours, you simply cannot afford to waste anymore precious time. On the other hand, if the child isnt yours, the all this worry would be in vain,.The child is now 20 years old and may or may not have a lot of questions. Are you sure you are ready to deal with them or stick this thing through?

[mami1323]

This post was from February of 2008, I highly doubt the original poster would see this response.

[faithfulchild]

Yeah you're so right. For some reason i didnt look at the date.. Thanks

[Ladybug95]

You should have just gotten a paternity test. It would have resolved the whole issue right then and there. I think you were kinda selfish because you didn't wanna even hear if you were the father or not and you probably were. If she told you that she didn't sleep with anyone else besides you, she probably wasn't lying. And plus, all you were really thinking about is your college degree and not the fact that you could have had a baby. I appreciate how you were thinking about college, but if that was really your baby, you should have taken care of that baby too. Maybe she just told the guy she married that she was pregnant with your baby, but he didn't really care and maybe he wanted to step up to the plate and try and be a father for that baby.  

[Nutkin]

Wow this story has hit a few home truths for me which I  never realised  from a guys point of view, I know this  post have ended now but I hope it all worked out.