Why am I so angery out of the blue?

[Sparklyb]

I am 33 my boyfriend is 30 we have been together off and on 6 1/2 Years
I love my boyfriend. I always have if we go our separate ways I want him back, I am miserable without him.
I have ADHD and not currently on meds I also have panic disorder which has up until I got on Yaz been under control. My Doc put me on Kariva instead because my PMS got even worse on Yaz.
I yell at my boyfriend (raise my voice a little)sometimes and while I don't call him names or hit him or anything I still get annoyed because he didn't remember to get me something when he grabbed lunch or he didn't listen to me when I asked him to do something for me or worse yet for helfself.
I clean the house make all the meals and work 53 Hours a week. I live with him in his house and I try to respect that it's his house.
Every time I get upset he swears I am yelling even if I haven’t raised my voice. He has a bad stomach and he crys I am hurting his tummy when we fight.Her says it's abuse.
I don't know what to do I try not to get upset and swear I will never do it again (to myself and to him) but then something he says or does or forgets to do annoys me and I say something. Anything I say is yelling and after awhile when he starts pouting and being mean I do yell. Then it becomes a full blown fight. He calls me names. I just say he is mean or being a jerk but I try so hard never to call him a name.
He says I am acting crazy and all this is out of the blue then no matter what I say he ties it into some other bigger issue I had in the past.
What if he is right? What if I am making stuff up in my head? I know it get out of control no matter how happy I was 2.5 seconds before.
Can this be caused by another condition or tied into one I already have? What can I do to remain sane?
I really love this guy but right now it's hard to feel that love..I am hurting him and I feel like **** about it..what can I do???
HELP PLEASE am I abuseing him?

[Judy246]

Hi..6 1/2 yrs. is a long time to be with someone without some type of commitment (engaged at least). Ok, there is a differerence between "yelling" and raising your voice a little and I'm going to tell you as I see it ok, so just stay with me here!

Also, this "He has a bad stomach and he crys, I am hurting his "tummy" when we fight".
This sounds like a little child telling his mommy to stop hurting him. I'm real concern about this relationship not functioning the way a normal relationship should.

Your b/f isn't a mind reader. It is more "effective" if instead of yelling, which will only respond negatively, simply "ask" him without getting all bent out of shape. You know what I see, that you are your own worst enemy. You are bringing unecessary situation, by not stopping to think of just a second and react emotionally. You will never be happy if you don't learn how to control yourself! What he really means is that you and your behavior are stressing him to where he is becoming physically sick and now that is physical and emotional abuse!!!  Yes, you are verbally abusing him to where you are making him sick and this has got to stop! I understand and respect that you work hard and come home and do everything, well, so does everyone else.

I thinking you are sabotaging your happiness with this guy and it's just a matter of time when he is not going to take your s***t!.  I think you have unresolved issues that you have not dealt with or someone or something has traumatized or hurt you in the past and you are lasing out at him or anyone else. It does not mean you are a bad person, but if you continue with this destructive, abusive behavior, nobody is either going to put up with you or tolerate you. I recommend that you talk with someone a conselor or a priest or whomever, but if you don't learn to control yourself, communicate properly (discuss problems not fight), I see this guy leaving you and no one will put up with you.
It's your choice. I'm sorry that I being right to the point, but I think someone has to tell you that your are destroying a good relationship.  Good Luck!

[treazzure007]

i must say that despite any medical issues or behavioral issues you may possess, you are still responsible for your actions and decisions you make.  i'd wonder more of how i could gain more control of myself so that im not exploding all over the place when iv become upset.  

my kids have been driving me insane.  i'v been yelling and ranting and i could really feel the effects this is having on my heart, my health.  i just now have to take deep breaths and even leave the room.  other than that i'd likely be swearing and basically throwing a tantrum i promise you and this would be every afternoon!  you have to take control.  learn some cool down techniques.  it will make things so much better for a start in you guys communicating when you're calmer and have regained that much needed control

hope this helps

[Sparklyb]

thanks so much I guess I will be seeking help :(

[Sparklyb]

I am gonna try counting to 20 snice around ten he is already upset before I even raise my voice just saying something he dose not want to hear..

Maybe Judy is right and I screwed up..but I swear I feel like he is making it out to be worse then it is and I can't stand to be made to look like the bad guy.

[Sparklyb]

You made me cry by the way..guess the truth hurts

[Sparklyb]

FAQ Are you a Contoller or an Abuser?

Do You Fit the Description of a Controller or Abuser?: © copyright 2003 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Do you fit the description of a controller or an abuser? Answer these questions honestly:
Do you ever:
____ Embarrass or make fun of your spouse/partner in front of your friends or family?
____ Put down her accomplishments or goals?
____ Demonstrate extreme jealousy?
____ Make her feel like she is unable to make decisions?
____ Yell at her, let your temper get out of control?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance from her?
____ Tell her that she is nothing without you?
____ Treat her roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit her?
____ Call her several times a night or show up to make sure she is where she said she would be? ____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing her?
____ Blame her for how you feel or act?
____ Pressure her sexually for things she isn't ready for?
____ Show cruelty to animals?
____ Make her feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
____ Prevent her from doing things she wants - like spending time with her friends or family?
____ Try to keep her from leaving after a fight or leave her somewhere after a fight to "teach her a lesson"?

Do you cause your partner to...
____ Sometimes feel scared of you because you make threatening gestures, indirect threats or throw or break objects?
____ Make excuses for your behavior?
____ Believe that she is the only one that needs to change, not you?
____ Avoid conflict and never disagree with you in order to "keep the peace"?
____ Feel like no matter what she does, she can't please you?
____ Placate you by doing whatever you want and rarely doing what she wants?
____ Stay with you because she is afraid of the consequences of leaving you?

If you have checked any of these symptoms, you have the characteristics of a contoller. If you checked any of these symptoms: physical, sexual abuse, verbal threats, outbursts or rage-ful behavior, harassment, manipulation by fear, cruelty to animals - you fit the description of a batterer and abuser with severe anger and control issues. You need help.



I DO NONE of the aformentiond a friend that knows me in real life sent me this link..helped a lot..             http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/controlsur.asp
Check it out yourself if you want to

[Judy246]

Awww, I did not mean to make you cry, that will make me cry, BUT, I am honest and will advise on what has been written and my own obsevation, but that it', it's just my opinion, but there is always hope to better your situation and once you realize the although you don't mean to be verbally abusive to someone you love, it happens and it also tell you that you have unresolved issues deep inside that have to be confronted, so that you can live and have good healthy relationships and know how to argue without it reaching a point where it becomes abusive. No one likes to be hurt, desrespected, controlled, etc, and no one has to take it, but I alway feel that once you become aware that your reaction to other's behavior is becoming an issue, it's a start.  Once again, I'm sorry if it was harsh, but you need to see it from an outside perspective and consider it constructive critizm and we are also her to support you.  Also, the above is a good questionair, but abusive behavior can be as simple as contant yelling, which results in insecurities, fears, dysfunctional behavior and unhealty environment. Good Luck and let us know how everything is coming along...Judy

[megochick101]

May I ask why you are not on meds for your ADHD? Do you have that under control? Maybe the change from medicated to non medicated is affecting you?

Other than that, maybe you should seek a therapist to get help with relaxation techniques.

[Sparklyb]

Thanks Judy.. the only thing I am doing wrong(according to the link my friend sent-see above) is raiseing my voice and thats an aweful habbit to start with no matter what is going on.
Both of our parents have/had rocky realtionships while we were growing up.
I am always praiseing him and telling him I love him all day long.My friends think we are the perfect couple despite our past breack-ups.
I think he is very over sensitive to anything critical I ever have to say because he hates disappionting me.
I also think he uses my temper to free him self of blame but I want to prevent us from getting to that piont ever again.
Everybody fights.He just can't handle when we fight.The fights are stupid so I can control my end and not let the little things get under my skin.. I buying a book about anger managment.. wish me luck..and thanks again for the wake up call..
I want to go to conseling together but I have to arrange it and he will fight me or wiggle his way out. He hates talking about this stuff
We are married because we don't want to take it lightly and we have issues to work out.

[Sparklyb]

They swicthed my meds to a more expensive brand and they are a 100 bucks a pop just in co-pay.
So currently I am coming down off my meds and trying a new brith control on top of that..

I am reading a book about anger managment soon as it gets here..My therapist stopped seeing me because I blame myself for everything..
Now that I am making head way maybe she will see me again.

[megochick101]

She stopped seeing you because you blame yourself for everything?? Isn't a therapist supposed to try and help you with that?? That's very weird to me, she should've been helping you to see that everything isn't your fault instead of basically giving up on you.

As to the meds, WOAH that's a lot of moolah. Isn't there a generic brand or anything that would help just as much? That seems to me like a ridiculous amount!

[megochick101]

Oh forgot to add that maybe you can check out the anger management forum here? They can probably help you out with techniques to calm down.

[Sparklyb]

Well that was two weeks ago that my therapist said that..Sort of a time out to to wake me up.
I have a way of distorting things and if someone is willing to put the blame on me then I take it. Problem is many people including my boyfriend have no problem doing that because nobody wants any part of blame.I do, growing up when my parents fought I learned that bad habbit and now because of her I am not wanting to take the blame for everything I'll take what fault is mine (and there is plenty) and you take yours.
I set up an apppionment for next week because of this epihinay you guys helped me reach. THANKS!!! :)
Thier is no generic for ADHD meds..I kinda wanna try Riddlin..I dunno..gotta talk to my doc.

[Judy246]

I just wanted to add that I do hope you are feeling better and that your situation is improving....hugs, Judy

[Sparklyb]

Thanks it really is..doing a workshop for anger managment. My boyfriend is very pleased also made sure to tell me this is more recent and over the years I have been more controlled so he thinks I can get back to normal (for me). He also wants to work on his anger too..he throws things and calls me names  when I get into a fuss.

BIG THANKS AND HUGS TO YOU MY NEW FRIEND!!

[megochick101]

I am so glad you are feeling better! And am glad he is also taking the initiative to work on his problems too! I hope all goes well and I hoe you keep us updated! and here's a HUG from me too!

[megochick101]

OOOPS sorry not "hoe" i meant i HOPE you keep us updated! lol

[Sparklyb]

Thanks!! lol..didn't even noctice the "hoe" instead of hope until I re-read it 3 times..lol

here is a hug bac (((HUG)))

Promise to stay in touch and thanks so much!!