I have been with this amazing, loving guy for a year. This is the best relationship that I have been in so far and everything was perfect, until about a month or so ago. We never usually fight and back in April we started fighting about dumb things, but this almost always has only occurred when we were drinking. We would get into a disagreement while tipsy/drunk and we would fight or yell at each other for hours. It usually ends with me crying and going to bed and him either back at his place or apologizing. Then the morning would be really awkward because we didn't know how to discuss our fight that didn't make sense the night before. Also, about a month ago he found out exactly how many people that I have slept with before our relationship and was really upset about it (he gets VERY upset about thinking about me with another guy) and said that he was "dating a ****" and made me feel almost like I was cheating on him for about a week (even though I obviously wasn't) until I spoke up. Also, the last week of school I hid a $20 from myself in front of him and a friend so I wouldn't spend it and then put it back in my purse after few days. Well a few days later, I went shopping and discovered that it was missing. My friend never had the opportunity because she wasn't alone in my room and the only people with access to it was me and him. I still haven't found it and suspect it was him and he has denied it multiple times saying he would never steal from me. I still slightly suspect him because I never found the money and therefore don't trust him anymore. This was all before we left school for the semester. Now I'm home and am constantly stressed from a full time job, a summer class, not having a car and not having a room because my mom is renting it out and therefore I have to live in the living room, while my boyfriend doesn't have to work nearly as much as I do, has his own room and access to a car whenever he wants. And then recently, I have been getting mad/irritated/frustrated over everything he does/says. It's like his existence infuriates me off even though he is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and I don't know why. And because of this I haven't been treating him well at all which is upsetting to both him and I. After a fight last night I told him to have a nice life and that I'm done because I'm frustrated with our fights and not being able to trust him even though I'm not sure I don't have a reason to. But then after arguing and talking some more to give me some time to figure out why I'm so angry with him. I still can't figure it out. Can someone please give me some insight as to what to do about this whole mess?
Also, my birth control pill has been switched from trinessa to tri sprintec because the pharmacy doesn't have trinessa anymore. Could that be playing some role?
And lately I have been extremely tired and irritable in general with everyone. I usually work out 3 to 4 days per week but this week I haven't done much because I've been so busy. And I have been getting bad headaches every day for the last several days and my allergies have been horrible. Could this also be contributing to this whole mess?
First and foremost......consult your physician about your medical issues and take care of yourself.
Secondly......don't think the BC has ANYTHING to do with your bf woes.
Your statement...."After a fight last night I told him to have a nice life and that I'm done because I'm frustrated with our fights and not being able to trust him even though I'm not sure I don't have a reason to. But then after arguing and talking some more to give me some time to figure out why I'm so angry with him. I still can't figure it out. Can someone please give me some insight as to what to do about this whole mess?" My response......END THIS. It is OBVIOUS the relationship is TOXIC AND DYSFUNCTIONAL. It is a constant stream of "drama" and "nonsense." Plus, you CAN'T even 100% trust him.
Focus on more important things, i.e. school and work, as you DON'T need any UNNECESSARY stress, i.e. this bf.
As soon as he called you a "****" you should have ENDED things IMMEDIATELY.
I agree with Londres. First talk to your doctor. I fear you may have a bit of depression and anxiety and irritability is part of that. Maybe not enough to be clinically diagnosed but maybe. Either way, techniques to destress and control your emotions are helpful. I really recommend physical exercise as that naturally calms and soothes the body and mind. Also, taking deep breaths and stopping yourself before speaking can help. It really can. Reaction is a irritabilities worst enemy. If you are thoughtful (as in slowing down everything so you can think about it), you may be less inclined to always be angry.
Secondly, this relationship seems to have run its course. You are probably NOT being fair to this guy at this point. That he's stuck around through your thinkiing he's stolen from you (a pretty big accusation of someone you are in a relationship with) and are mad that he has things you don't this summer (car, less stress, his own room, etc.).
Honestly, he probably can't win right now.
I think the best thing is for you to back off the relationship and either take a break or end it as it would be best for both of you. You really don't need to add a stressful relationship on top of your other things going on and he doesn't need to be with someone that is always getting mad at him for something or nothing.
1.I have been with this amazing, loving guy for a year.
2 This is the best relationship that I have been in so far
3. UNTIL A MONTH OR SO AGO(it was the best relationship)
4. We never usually fight and back in April we started fighting about dumb things, BUT THIS ALMOST ALWAYS HAS ONLY OCCURED WHEN we were DRINKING.
IMO, just remove the problem which seems to be the alcohol. It seems you realize this too by the way you worded it. Of course I think the pressure of school, work, not feeling well, adds to it all. So change the things that you can and drinking is something you can change.
Also the other thing...You have to remember if you are partying and stuff, drinking, you may have reached into your wallet to get money or whatever and the 20 dollars fell out without realizing it..I don't think he stole money.
I think your relationship is very fixable and I would apologize to him for accusing him of stealing.. He's interested in you and I don't think he would do something like that. I can't imagine a guy doing that unless he's was an addict which he's not,,-and it doesn't sound like you live in the hood,:) different story then I would say maybe he stole.
The way you described him being amazing and loving,,, sounds like its worth trying to work it out...so like I said, try to avoid the alcohol.
Alcohol can really change someones personality when they are tipsy and then their not fun to be around because its not the ''real them." Not everyone is affected that way, but some people are and maybe this is the case with you guys.
And like the ladies above said, if you think this is health related, definitely see a doctor... because imbalanced hormones would add to it and maybe the birth control pills are making your hormones go a little off and imbalanced hormones can make you irritable. I wouldn't throw in the towel but if he feels he's not wanted, he might.
Let him know you realize that you are in an irritable mood lately and that you are working on finding out why this is so and that you appreciate his patience.
i agree with specialmom and londres. it sounds like he called you a terrible name. the drinking is a red flag. you both have alcohol issues. if a man was a drinker and calling me vile names at the start of a relationship i think i'd get OUT. not worth trying to fix. i value myself too much to be treated this way and i wonder why you feel you deserve this sort of treatment? there must be plenty of decent men your age who 1. do not drink 2. do not call vile names and 3. will value you. look for one of those
That is not how she describes him. Young people going out and drinking too much then realizing its not a good thing to do (hopefully she sees that now) is a lot different than being a "drinker".... I think of a drinker as an alcoholic and I don't know them so I can't say they are, nor do I think that.... It just sounds like 2 young people who need to cut down on the drinking/partying... Thats different than someone who is addicted/drinker. But again I don't know, only by what I read and alcohol popped out in her post as being the cause of the arguments.
The name calling is wrong, but I didn't even address that initially because I assumed it was during the drinking, not that it makes it okay, but again, alcohol can cause a lot of problems.. And remember all of this fighting is only of "recent."
And,If anyone was going to be labeled as not treating the other person right, it would be her, by her own admission. And its good that she sees its her because again, then I think its fixable,,,
She said "It's like his existence infuriates me off EVEN THOUGH he is the BEST BOYFRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD, and I don't know why. And because of this I haven't been treating him well at all which is upsetting to both him and I.'
So why you said you wouldn't let anyone treat you this way? Its not him. I don't know why you said that except sometimes women are always ready to say its the mans fault and then what happens is the person shuts their ears or closes their eyes to whats really being said...
Like I always say,,, if we see where we are wrong and admit it and in this case she does, that's a step in the right direction... She hasn't been back so maybe they decided to end it, but I think it all could have been fixed and they could be happy again.. but just my opinion..
My thought is when you are in college, relationships aren't suppose to be complicated and getting annoyed with someone easily is often a sign that things have run their course. I feel like we date to find someone that we have the least amount of issues with. Had I gone into marriage with a man that I found myself often infuriated with------ when drinking or otherwise-------- it sure would be hard to sustain the relationship for the rest of our lives. I got mad at my husband at times which is normal but feeling it so often that it concerned me seems to be a reason to move on. At least that is how I feel about dating when in college. (well, probably any age that is a good rule to follow to make sure we know who is right to move the relationship ahead with and who is not,) Just my opinion though.
Will agree with Specialmom......if you find yourself getting annoyed by someone easily and things are becoming more an more complicated in regards to dealing with him/her I think there should be some serious thought into should "I" stay in the relationship or at least take a break away from the relationship to sort things out better.
Sounds like the relationship is causing more harm than good.
"Also, about a month ago he found out exactly how many people that I have slept with before our relationship and was really upset about it (he gets VERY upset about thinking about me with another guy) and said that he was "dating a ****" and made me feel almost like I was cheating on him for about a week (even though I obviously wasn't) until I spoke up."......Is this her fault or related to "hormones?" Plus, the poster didn't say he was inebriated when he said this to her. Sorry......I would have ENDED things right then and there. ALCOHOL is one of their problems.....not the ONLY problem.
I would assume lighten the stress load and put this relationship on the "back burner" if not TOTALLY end it.
she said they were both drinking and to be drinking so much that it causes problems is a red flag. for BOTH of them!
she also said:
"Also, about a month ago he found out exactly how many people that I have slept with before our relationship and was really upset about it (he gets VERY upset about thinking about me with another guy) and said that he was "dating a ****" and made me feel almost like I was cheating on him for about a week (even though I obviously wasn't) until I spoke up."
calling vile names is not ok in my opinion. if you want to put up with that--fine. i never would. and the getting upset about other guys in her past is also a red flag. jealous, controlling men often become abusive. why saddle yourself with a guy like that when you are young? when a woman is young she can have her pick of lots of men. why not pick a decent one who does not drink or call vile names or get overly jealous?
specialmom, yes I agree dating is the time to find out if the guy is the right one, but sometimes theres things that have to be worked out in any relationship and that means there can be a few bumps along the way... I know I have the most wonderful Husband anyone could want and he loves me more than himself, and thats the key I believe, when a man can put you before himself... You sound like you have a good guy too, so I would guess you'd agree...
But turbo kitty's bf, I gave my opinion above, we all just disagree on that issue and thats okay as we're all different..... Londres and shell agree with you, so most likely turbo kitty will go with what you guys said as majority usually wins in peoples eyes :)
But just to mention. the other thing I took note of was that in general turbo kitty feels irritated being around "everyone", not just her bf she said, so thats why I wondered if it could be hormonal, that sounds very hormonal to me. Sounds like menopause! :) But she's not menopausal of course, but the bc pills can be the problem, but maybe not, who knows...
Londres, like I said name calling is wrong, but also a man can say they are with "x" number of women and if a women says she is with the same number of men, a guy is viewed as playboy,but the woman, though most people don't say it out loud, women get called the name...So whats my opinion of a man or woman who has "numerous sex partners" - I didn't give my opinion on that. But I think young people need to be taught a little differently than how they are, both boys and girls...Even if a Mother believes its okay for their kid to start taking bc pills lets say at 15, there seems to be no talk on some of the other topics besides sex itself,meaning discussion on soul ties and emotional attachments after being intimate- which all seem to happen with women more than men,,, Not relating this to the poster, but just saying in general.
But this thread 'did' remind me of what I see around with young people and not just young people, middle age women getting hurt emotionally when maybe it could have been avoided in some cases...
shell you said:
"calling vile names is not ok in my opinion. if you want to put up with that--fine. i never would"
You said you never would stay with a guy who called you that, and I myself personally would never be called that in the first place, so I don't have to give it thought as to what I would do.
Londres, to clarify - I do think men are 'affected' (talking about soul ties etc)but in a different way...But that would be another thread! :) And maybe the men wouldn't want to hear what I have to say! :)
"Londres, like I said name calling is wrong, but also a man can say they are with "x" number of women and if a women says she is with the same number of men, a guy is viewed as playboy,but the woman, though most people don't say it out loud, women get called the name." ....My response... I will agree with that, but I would think this bf would have enough sense not to call his OWN gf a ****. Hey, if he feels that way and he is not comfortable with the situation (the number of men she has slept with) then he should end things as name-calling is truly a LACK of respect.
First and foremost, the poster NEEDS to take care of herself first and consult her physician about her medical issues and if that means PUTTING the relationship on hold to take care of her, then so be it. Plus, she is under alot of other stresses; school and work.
The poster stated "It's like his existence infuriates me off even though he is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and I don't know why." This sounds like MORE than just some "bump" in the relationship along the way. Sorry, if someone states this this would give the impression that he/she LOATHES/HATES someone. She definitely needs to be investigating IF the BC is affecting her behavior, but still what is the excuse for the bf's behavior?
School and a job is NECESSARY, but a bf isn't ESSENTIAL or NECESSARY especially if school and work are stressing YOU already.
I don't know anything about the poster's or her bf's upbringing or what they were taught about sex and intimacy, etc. and that has nothing to really do with the poster's question and I find that not significant.
Like I stated in my initial post, the situation sounds toxic and dysfunctional on BOTH sides and these two NEED to separate.
BTW, it is absolutely fine and expected that different perspectives are give on the forum. Actually it is a good thing as then posters can see what they relate to the most and leave the rest OR something that they are initially resistent to will be planted in the back of their mind and down the road, they can use the ideas and thoughts that have been presented to them.
In most cases there is not a right or wrong answer.
My perspective comes from doing my best to find the right person that I could commit to and STAY with for the rest of my life. I didn't waste my time trying to fix relationships that weren't really making me happy anymore just because I'd invested time. But I'm practical in that way. I don't like to waste time. This is not to say that I jumped ship whenever a problem arose. Working through differences is critical in building a solid foundation in a relationship. BUT, if I felt I didn't like my boyfriend and was always angry with them on many occasions in the first year or two of dating, I'd probably see the writing on the wall that we wouldn't make it long term. Practical gal that I am.
Specialmom, yes I agree about different perspective, it is good and it also keeps things from getting boring...
Londres, yes I agree, turbo needs to take care of herself first and foremost...yep.
"I don't know anything about the poster's or her bf's upbringing or what they were taught about sex and intimacy, etc. and that has nothing to really do with the poster's question and I find that not significant. "
I had mentioned that that was not directed at the poster but a generalization.
But actually in the end everything would tie in, in a certain way.. but again, I wouldn't want to go into an explanation in turbos thread as I don't want it to sound like its directed at her personally but instead it's just my feelings/thoughts on how some of what kids are taught and 'not' taught in sex ed and at home is affecting their "choices in life."
If I had gone into more of an explanation you would know what I mean but maybe wouldn't agree with me or maybe you would, I don't know.... But down the road maybe I will think of how to make it into a thread because it does relate to "relationships",,, but I'll PM Specialmom first with the idea as to make sure its not too controversial for here - but it would be interesting to me to hear other women's opinions and the men too actually but sometimes its hard to get 'real heart felt' answers on the topic because its such a politically correct society at this point.
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