Why can't I make up my mind!!!!

[IMJ484]

Ok so here's my story, I'm a 17 year old girl and I've known this 17 year old guy for four years, when I first met  him we had an immediate connection he asked me to be his girl, ( my very first relationship) it only lasted a week when I cold heartenly broke up with him, after about a month of not really talking much we became best friends. For some reason I've always crushed on him after the break up and haven't dated anyone else( sadly the opportunity has never risen) and he has dated 4 other girls who he always tells me how much he hated being with them. Lately things have been getting complicated. At school he would walk me to class, teachers would question if we were dating, we went to prom together, all my friends think we would be adorable together and he wants an official relationship but he's being patient for me, because I say I'm not ready for a relationship when in reality I don't know I want a relationship with him, he always makes me feel good I have a hundred percent trust in him he supports anything I do, he gets along with my friends, but he seems to have more in common with them than me, I would consider myself an ambitious hardworking teen and I value that, I work with a variety of livestock animals, I have a summer internship with a livestock vet, hopefully I will one day work in conservation  and  i love to spend time out doors early morning, I love any kind of music rap country pop rock classics anything! I'm usually into a guy with some muscle tone, for some reason lean towards brown hair with some facial hair and would love a guy who has interest in live stock, and a guy who could make me laugh and feel protected, I almost feel like the more masculine one
Unforutunatly Jeremy, the guy I'm kinda with, hates cows, doesn't know squat about livestock, play bass and is extremely oppionionated about the music he likes and most of his music I'm not much of a fan of, he's probably the worst morning person, He only weighs 120 lbs and I'm 115 and i know I could easily win an arm wrestling match because he used two arms when we were fooling around when I only used one, and he  has blonde hair
I know looks shouldn't matter but I have zero physical attraction to him I like my rough mans man, on the good side he does deal with me and makes me feel good about myself he's the first guy I've kissed and I love the way it feels when we start to make out but sometimes he just keeps going and I start looking at the clock, he's going away on vacation and he wants to see me tonight before he goes I would honestly rather sit at home, I know when I go to his house wel cuddle on his couch watch a movie make out hel feel up my breasts hel walk me to my car Kiss again then il go home, it's just so predictable, but for some reason I go from feeling like I'm in love to dreading having to drive an hour to his house
Am I just too pick? Could I be incapable of developing relationships? I question am I a lesbian I'm not into female genitalia but hey why not make it an option
He's so good too me he would do anything for me so why am I such a jerk
I thank anyone who read this!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I also want to point out we have a teen forum you may find helpful.  good luck

[IMJ484]

We talked about us and I told him I'm hot and cold
he has a lot of mental issues with depression and anxiety and used to self harm by cutting and I have helped him through all that
He says when he is with me all of his anxiety and depression goes away and he says he's afraid of losing me
I feel like his happiness and safety is weighing on how I treat him and I did end up kissing him after a lot of pestering I tried to give him the cold shoulder but when he started to talk about how depressed he has been and how he feels so much better with me I couldn't help it but I was constantly trying to slow everything down but he just wanted to make out
I told him I'm no good for you but he didn't really take it in
I wanted to talk more and I said let's keep talking and he said I jut want to hug
I did try, I feel like it had to be a slow painfull process
I don't want to upset him I know leading him on will upset him more but still! Idk

[IMJ484]

Thanks for all the help!
You didn't degrade me and tell me I'm too young or any of that
You just gave me good fair advice and have me a chance to put my feelings into words
I truly appreciate your response!

[TTinKKerBBell]

Don't do A N Y T H I N G tonight that might "lead Him on" or encourage Him.  Your heart isn't in this so I think You should let Him know that in a kind way.  He sounds like a great guy and He deserves to be with someone who is more sure of Her feelings for Him. You are not a "jerk", He's just not "the one".  The "right" guy will come along for You.  I agree with Life, there's no hurry.

[IMJ484]

I think I agree I wouldn't like to say I'm desperate but hey truth hurts right? Lol
Single life is easier I'm just going to focus on myself and my future! I wonder how tonight will go :/ any ideas on what I should do tonight?

[IMJ484]

Let me also add he hates sports, playing sports watching sports, I mean I'm not sports crazy but id like a guy whose better at basketball or skating than I am  
But he always texts me good night, good morning , he gives me the independence that I need