Why can't I make up my mind!? To date or not to date?

[IMJ484]

Ok so here's my story, I'm a 17 year old girl and I've known this 17 year old guy for four years, when I first met  him we had an immediate connection he asked me to be his girl, ( my very first relationship) it only lasted a week when I cold heartenly broke up with him, after about a month of not really talking much we became best friends. For some reason I've always crushed on him after the break up and haven't dated anyone else( sadly the opportunity has never risen) and he has dated 4 other girls who he always tells me how much he hated being with them. Lately things have been getting complicated. At school he would walk me to class, teachers would question if we were dating, we went to prom together, all my friends think we would be adorable together and he wants an official relationship but he's being patient for me, because I say I'm not ready for a relationship when in reality I don't know I want a relationship with him, he always makes me feel good I have a hundred percent trust in him he supports anything I do, he gets along with my friends, but he seems to have more in common with them than me, I would consider myself an ambitious hardworking teen and I value that, I work with a variety of livestock animals, I have a summer internship with a livestock vet, hopefully I will one day work in conservation  and  i love to spend time out doors early morning, I love any kind of music rap country pop rock classics anything! I'm usually into a guy with some muscle tone, for some reason lean towards brown hair with some facial hair and would love a guy who has interest in live stock, and a guy who could make me laugh and feel protected, I almost feel like the more masculine one
Unforutunatly Jeremy, the guy I'm kinda with, hates cows, doesn't know squat about livestock, play bass and is extremely oppionionated about the music he likes and most of his music I'm not much of a fan of, he's probably the worst morning person, He only weighs 120 lbs and I'm 115 and i know I could easily win an arm wrestling match because he used two arms when we were fooling around when I only used one, and he  has blonde hair
I know looks shouldn't matter but I have zero physical attraction to him I like my rough mans man, on the good side he does deal with me and makes me feel good about myself he's the first guy I've kissed and I love the way it feels when we start to make out but sometimes he just keeps going and I start looking at the clock, he's going away on vacation and he wants to see me tonight before he goes I would honestly rather sit at home, I know when I go to his house wel cuddle on his couch watch a movie make out hel feel up my breasts hel walk me to my car Kiss again then il go home, it's just so predictable, but for some reason I go from feeling like I'm in love to dreading having to drive an hour to his house
Am I just too pick? Could I be incapable of developing relationships? I question am I a lesbian I'm not into female genitalia but hey why not make it an option
He's so good too me he would do anything for me so why am I such a jerk
Thanks anyone who read all this!!

[AnnieBrooke]

Sit him down and explain that while you like him very much, you feel about him like you would for a brother, not a boyfriend, and you have been aware of this for a while.  Say you are sorry because you know this is not what he has in mind, but that you can't offer more.  That you're afraid that as long as he is holding out hopes for a romantic relationship with you, he won't find someone who will love him like a girlfriend, and you just don't have that feeling.  And you want him to know.

[IMJ484]

Thanks for ur comment I do kinda feel like I'm just trying to satisfy him and keep him happy
He deals with anxiety, depression and used to be involved in self harm( I helped him out of that) and Im afraid to hurt him
He claims that I'm the only happiness in his life and said he doesn't want to loose it and when he said this I just went silent and blank while he kept on hugging and caressing me but in my mind I was have in a freak out! How do I get myself out of this I feel like I'm held hostage !!

[VICourageous]

I Girl, I am speaking from experience on this earth for years. Please take care of YOU first..Get your self a career, find some great hobbies. Keep on learning everything you can in Life..Your God will someday bring you your Soul Mate. You have to have Faith that someone for you is out there. Meanwhile enjoy ALL that you can while you are still Young..Life is to short and before you know it, you will be married and have kids of your own Before you know it again, you will have Grand kids..So just try to stay Young as long as you can..Figure out what YOU want from life not what some one else wants or wants you to be.
Bless

[specialmom]

17 is a confusing time.  good luck

[IMJ484]

I appreciate your answer thanks! The reason for the lesbian comment is because one of my friends recently stated that she thinks she is bi and the thought of her with another for some reason bugged me
Idk what the hell is with me

[AnnieBrooke]

ps -- Don't think that failing to find one particular guy sexy means you're a lesbian.  Gay or straight, people don't get turned on by every person they meet.  Ultimately I think people figure out their sexuality by noticing after a while that the people they get crushes on and who they resonate to emotionally are one gender or the other.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Frankly, if he does not turn you on, don't bother.  Zero physical attraction is not going to ramp up to an acceptable level for being a couple.  He's nice, you like him fine, but he's not your boyfriend and you don't need to try to make him your boyfriend by thinking there is somehow something wrong with you.  You can't generate physical attraction, it's either there or it's not.  Let him go, he can be a nice boyfriend with someone else.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  First, let me tell you that we have some teen forums you may like here.  There are others that might be able to relate to where you are at in life and give you advice based on that.  

Now, you dated him for one week.  ONE week.  That is not a long, special relationship.  When you cold heartedly broke up with him, this is after ONE week, right?  I'm not trying to down play how you feel but by the same token, it is good to keep this in perspective.  You were barely a couple at all.  And the thing about mature dating is that you don't go from 0 to 100 immediately.  You date.  You gradually build the relationship.  You begin romantic but shouldn't be 'in love' immediately.  

Then you go on to other things.  

Really, you just aren't into him.  This happens.  You like him and like the idea of him but that is it.  It's also a lot easier than finding other people to date.  And he is into you which is flattering.  

I think at 17, you don't need to be in ANY relationship.  Focus on school, work (if you have a job), getting into college or trade school, spending time with friends, doing your own hobbies, etc.  

down the road,  you can figure it all out.  I'm a lot older than you and I can tell you that questioning yourself now is normal and relationships at this age are often really silly when you look back on them.  THANK goodness I never ended up with someone I dated in my youth!!  

so, focus on other things.  good luck