Why do exes want to be friends?

Hi Dr. Pomerance,

My question is, why do exes want to be friends with the person they broke it off with?  What are their "motives" for this?

[jo929]

maybe because they just like the person and not love them, i see no reason that an ex can not be a friend  luck  jo  

[Judy246]

Guilt! I always say that sooner or later their conscience will catch up to them and it's sad that when they were in the relationship, they did not appreciate or saw the inner beauty for the person who loved them. He/she did not take into consideration the person they knowingly were hurting. I think they are still selfish, thinking of can they now fix a wrong so that they don't have to "feel" the long term effects of guilt. They are trying to make up for what they should have done back then.

Karma....what goes around comes around....Judy

[Judy246]

There is always a possiblity of an ex becoming a friend, but that will take forgiveness and time. I believe to be able to forgive is a "gift" or "divine", because not everyone has the ability to forgive someone who intentionally and emotionally harmed them.

[mami1323]

I became friends with my exes awhile after the feelings died.  I don't think you can be friends when there are still feelings.  It's too hard.  But sometimes you still like who they are and want to continue to have them be part of your life.  I know my ex and I broke up because he wasn't ready for a commitment with me.  He never lied to me and lead me on to think that he wanted one.  I hung on with hope he would change his mind but eventually I got tired of waiting.  We didn't end on ugly terms, so I was eventually able to be friends with him.  But we haven't talked in years.  Some people share children and they remain amicable for the sake of the children.  It all depends.

[Judy246]

I have yet to be friends with any of my exes and I have a lot of them :)

[mami1323]

I had remained friends with all of mine actually, until I started dating Richie and of course he wasn't having any of that...lol.  I used to go clubbing with my first love and that was because we had mutual friends and they would invite him along.  He always tried to kiss me though and would follow me around like a puppy dog.  It was funny.  He was still with the girl he broke up with me for and it would make me laugh because it was sort of like she was getting what she deserved but I never did anything with him out of spite because he didn't deserve another taste of me....lol.

[teko]

I am friends with the childrens father to this day. After all, we did once love each other and bring 6 children into the world together. Yes I still love him, just not in love with him any longer. I also go out of my way to make whoever he is with feel welcome as well. And it is sure better for the kids to not have mom and dad not be able to stay in the same room together long enuff for one of the kids to graduate, have a birthday, get married or become grandparents. I never regretted remaining friends. Ever.

[selftrainer]

So what do you ladies think is the best way to respond to an ex who is asking you to be friends?

[teko]

Being friends is an individual choice, if you have children, definately if for no other reason, than that.  No children, move on.

[selftrainer]

... there are no kiddos involved & we were together for 3 1/2 yrs.  He just broke it off 2 wks ago.  What are his "motives"?  (I agree with you Judy246 - guilt is one motive...)  

[Judy246]

Maybe he want you back and I think it is up to you whether you want to be friends with him or not. Everyone is different, depending on what damage was done to you by this ex. Maybe he want you back, maybe he just wants to be friends....just ask him.

[selftrainer]

I think I will ask him, Judy246 - thanks.  :)  ... but not right away.  He e-mailed me & stated he does care about how I am doing & that it would be nice to stay in touch & visit from time to time...  Sound like I may be a backup if grass isn't greener on the other side?  lol

[Judy246]

Your right...here are the red flags so proceed with caution!

* Stay in touch (red flag)
* Visit from time to time

Not solid responses, such as, "I do care alot for and how you are doing, I want us to keep in touch and get together soon".

Your right and don't give him the satisfaction of being back up and he will learn that the grass in not always greener on the other side....Judy

[selftrainer]

I am SO glad I found you on here, Judy!!   lol  ;)   Proceed with EXTREME caution it is...  lol

[mami1323]

He wants to keep you waiting in the wings, just in case whatever he wants to do doesn't pan out.  I guess what Judy said but in other words.  I think he wants to establish a friends with benefits relationship with you.  Don't do it.  After being broken up for 2 weeks and he wants to "be friends" it's because he selfishly wants to be free to pursue other options but still be able to have you when he wants you.  

[selftrainer]

And that's the feeling I get 2, mami1323...  I'm the backup...  lol

[Judy246]

Your not the backup, because he has not backup choices. Make sure he clarfies his intentions, so that you don't fall back to square one with him and end up back here with us :)

[Judy246]

we do love having you here, but in a better situation....hugs...Judy

[selftrainer]

Interesting update... He text me yesterday (Sunday) asking if I had been able to read his e-mail yet or did I want him to just leave me alone.  

I text him back a little while later & just politely stated I had read it but had been busy.  He text back stating he hoped things were going well for me...  He also e-mailed me a joke yesterday.  

What does it sound like he's trying to accomplish here?

[mami1323]

Trying to keep you in his life. Its up to you if you can have a platonic relationship with him but I wouldn't suggest it if you still have feelings for him. Plus if you aren't what he wants then he shouldn't have the benefits of having you in his life at all and that includes your friendship.

[Judy246]

I think he noticed a change in you that concerns him. He sounds confused with what he want at this point in time in a relationshiop. He hasn't written anything solid yet as, "I've been thinking of you ", "maybe we can get together", so once again, proceed with caution and let him make a solid move. I think you are doing great so far!

[ashley911]

i think if it was a short relationship then fine yea go on and be friends like me and my exs but this break up im going through we were almost 3 years.. 2 years 8 months to be right but i dont think we could be friends again ..we loved each other.

[Judy246]

Just a small not to say thanks for your confidence and message and I think you are handing everything just great!!! Proud of you...Judy

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Selftrainer,

I'm reachable at the expert forum on Medhelp, Relationship Decisions. Hope to see you there.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[Beargizmo]

I cannot be friends with ex gfs...maybe many years later...just heard from one from about 40 yrs ago...but that's it.can't do it.  I'm too sensitve I guess and it would tear me up..

On the other hand I have a good relationship with my ex wife, which drives my wife absolutely bonkers....it's been over 15 years since our divorce.heck, maybe 20 and we've always had a good friendship.  If I happen to be in her locale (atlanta) visiting my son I'll stop by and see her which will convince my wife that I'm sleeping with her, were going out having a great time...


I don't get it

Jim

[Judy246]

It's difficult, but possible. If one is still emotionally attached to the guy, it's difficult to move forward and just have him as a friend, but within time, it is possible, but it takes, time, moving forward with your life and forgiveness and the willingness to accept him as a friend. Every person and relationship is different and it depends on the individuals, type of relationship and reason for break up. I do understand whay you mean. I had long term relationships that if I were to see them again, I would probably greet them and hold a conversation, BUT that's it. Here is a person that you gave so many years of your youth and loved with hopes of a future that did not come to be. You have to accept what you can't change and have the ability to forgive in order to be able to see him from a different perspective and not one of intimacy, but a person whom you still valued and are capable of moving forward. Once you learn to forgive, you will be able to move forward with your life in peace with that part of your past.

[mami1323]

I think if children are involved that the ex's should remain amicable.  My fiance is still very close with his first son's mother but not with his ex-wife and they share a daughter.  I can see the difference among the children.  His son is very happy that they can communicate and talk and get along and can go to his graduation and events and there isn't an issue.  With his daughter's mother, we just feel like we will miss out on these things because they don't get along.  So I think it's great for ex's to remain close if children are in the mix.  My fiance and I were discussing this issue at lunch and I said if we were to ever break up, his new girlfriend's will probably hate me since I will always be around and he said "well then they will have to go because you are my family and because of Jayden that won't change".