Why do i Lie?

[repowm]

Why do I lie?

I over spend cause I get so depressed, than I lie and try to swing past due household bills to cover it up.  I lie to my husband about how much money I give my kids or spend on them, than get mad when he doesn't belive me.  Why can't I tell the truth about this? This is ending my marriage, and a 15 year friendship. I have been looking for support groups in my area, but cannot find one for this subject.  Any ideas? I am open to anything, I want to get better.  I take 7 different medications for various conditions, one is an anit depression medication, but I still cannot get my life back in order.  

[repowm]

You are very right.  Because not too long ago about 6 weeks ago I caught him having an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend and it had gone on for 2 ½ months.  I found out through our cell phone bills.  He stopped all contact, but I was the one that always said “not my husband”. After that came out we decided to start over and get us back on track since we both were pulling away from each other.  So I do know how it feels to be betrayed, not only cause of that but because my first husband had more girlfriends with benefits than friends.  It took me a few days to cool down and start working on what was wrong with the “us” factor in our marriage, but we both wanted it to work.  We do love each other that I know.  I have and will take my lumps and hopefully soon earn back his and his mom’s trust, and get my family back on track.  Thank you for being the flip side that helped a lot.

[repowm]

Your right, I just feel like I work my butt off, just to have no money in my pocket.  My husband has not had any work in almost 9 months, he make some money here and there, but I feel I work a job that is very stressful, and depressing just so he can go have lunch with his mom or whoever.  Maybe I should not feel this, but like yesterday he was at my office and I asked for $10.00 for cold medicine, but he did not have on him, he said he left all the money at home.  He was not very happy about going home and getting some money than coming back to my office.  Now we only live 10 miles away so it’s not like it takes forever, but than when I said I would get it from petty cash, he got real mad and said I was just trying to make him feel bad. I was not I just needed some cold pills and he acted like it was going to be a pain in the butt to get them for me. So me not feeling good had to back down and say sorry.  Today I asked him to leave me $5.00 for coffee, and 2 Pepsi’s and he did.  But I forgot to pack my lunch and asked if he would bring me something or have lunch with me.  Well he is too busy with running his mom around to do that.  So maybe I might just be touchy, but it’s like he wants me to suffer.  I have been taking care of everything for 2 years now, and when we first married he was good at taking care of me.  I keep thinking maybe my spending is just I being so mad at him for not getting a real job and taking care of me anymore.  Maybe today is just a bad day all around.  I know he is in the middle of this whole mess I caused with his family and it hard on him, but in my mind I did not create the whole mess on my own.  Yes I lied to him and yes I over spent the money that was for some of the mortgage payments, but still in my mind I felt like he was not helping so why should I.  These are the issues I need to work out in my own head, so I am still looking for some type of over spending group in my area, but I am having a hard time finding one.  Maybe I am putting to much information out there, but I really want everyone who has been posting to know as much has possible.  Any additional thought at this point would be great.  And thank you all again for letting me vent, talk, type and respond with some great advice that I have been taking.

[Gotmoxy]

Maybe most of your depression is stemming from withdrawls attributed to spending, and your feelings of guilt and failure. That's all normal, and is needed to recover. The P.O. Box thing is your husband being cautious, in case you aren't serious about getting better. It's a good idea. He's going to be a bit resentful now and then. Let him. He needs to heal too. Tread lightly.

[repowm]

Yes, my husband said he did not want any parts of a divorce or a separation, yet he went and got a PO Box with out telling me.  When I found the key on his key chain by accident he got real defensive and said he got it when he was mad at me and the only thing going to the PO Box is the mortgage statements.  I got upset at first, but I understand why he did it.  Sometimes he is real loving and kind but than it all comes back up and it’s not good.  My depression has not gotten any better, so I do not want to fall back into the same old me.  I guess I still have a long road to travel.

[Gotmoxy]

Thank-you, repowm. Everything will be fine in time. Think of it this way, you've hit rockbottom. The only way to go is up. You are very lucky that your husband has stuck by you. So, that already gives you a step ahead. He is your support system in this journey. Now, when your husband gives you money for the bills, pay the bills. If someone has their hand out, say no. You need to look after your family, meaning you, your husband, and now your granddaughter. My mother is also horrible with money. She's in debt and hasn't even done her taxes in years. She has a good job as a registered nurse, but yet hasn't much to show for it. We've had to help her out also. My partner is also not the greatest for budgeting. I have to remind him at times that we have bills coming up and such. He's dropped whole paychecks in two days before. So, I hold our finances now, and look after the bills. But, he's learning. He's become alot more frugal, recently. Though it will take time, your mother-in-law will come around. For a God-fearing church-going woman, she should know all about forgiveness.

[repowm]

Thank you both, these post have really helped.  I feel in my heart he wants to work things out, but my head tells me something different.  I have been completely honest with him, yet I still feel like I am walking around on egg shells.  I always blamed my job for being the reason I lied so much, being that is mainly what I do for a living, but I know now that was just an excuse.  In talking with my mom about everything I started thinking that my lies were learned from her.  Not to say she was a bad mom or anything, but she has always had a real problem with money.  About 4 years ago her house went into foreclosure and I gave her the money to save the house so my father would not find out, than less than a year later she did it again and my brother helped her out.  I look at my own daughter and she is now doing the same thing, she spends more than she has and worries about how to get through the week later.  I know my job or my mother are not to blame for my actions,  my lies, my over spending and  depression, but maybe it is a cycle that needs to be broken.  
Lovinlyfe06-
Thank you for sharing your own experience with me.  I spent $5,000.00 - $7,000.00 in 19 months of bill money and do not have anything to show for it either.  a lot of money went to my daughters rehab, and granddaughters daycare but not all of it.  I never buy anything for my self, so I never have anything to show for it.  My husbands family is now accusing me of being on drugs, and that hurts more than anything because that is the last thing I would do.  But with all the lies I have told to my husband I guess they are going to think what they want.  Again thank you for sharing your experience.
Gotmoxy-
You have been right on target with all of your post.  Are you in the medical field? If not maybe you should think about it.  Anyway you are right I did not marry his family, but they are so close that if you ****-off 1 you have pissed them all off.  I come from a very different back round, my family well we talk but not on a daily basis unlike my husbands.  When we were first married I was not sure if I could handle how close they all were, but have come to love them all and his mother is the one person in this world that I admire with all my heart and she is the one person who got hurt beside my husband from all my lies.  She is a good/great woman who raised 4 kids on her own with no help from their father, she put herself through law school and is involved with so many charities and volunteers with the schools and church when ever she can.  So since she is so hurt by my actions, because we had a real close relationship, I would have rather died than to hurt her.  I keep thinking of way to make it up to her, but noting seems good enough.  My husband says I need to make thing right, and I am trying, I just can’t face her.  So I thought if I could somehow learn to forgive myself and fix this problem that maybe I could work on fixing my relationship with my husband and mother-in-law.

Thank you both for your post, and please keep writing.  I am reading these and thinking about them and taking the advice.
Thanks
Repowm

[lovinlyfe06]

Wow you sound just like me a year ago!!! I had a shopping problem (and i honestly never buy myself anything) stupidly i had a over daft protection on my debt card and after over drawing 30 dollars that i didnt have i notice there was 150. in my account idk how it got there but i didnt care i started shopping at walmart for EVERYTHING mainly stuff that i didnt need somehow in 1 month i went through almost 7,000$ that money was from a credit card and was spent with nothing to show! i know have to pay it all back within 2 years...  I too lied about everything to my husband where i went who i was with how much money i had... i lied because i felt he wants to control me... i was wrong tho i still get that feeling. but

[Gotmoxy]

Hey, there is always a light at the end of a tunnel. Don't throw in the towel just yet. Because you want your marriage to work, there is still hope. Don't worry about his family and what they think of you. Worry about your family. You are married to your husband, not his parents. If your husband loves you and hasn't left you or asked for a divorce, that can only mean he wants things to work out also. Now all you need to do is prove to him that you are trying. Only pay the bills and purchase the neccesary household items when he gives you money. He WILL notice in time, that you are healing.

[repowm]

Thank you both so much, I have taken 100% of the responsibility and have been telling him the truth about everything since this all came out, but I still see no end to the mess I have caused.  I want my marriage to work, but feel like he will never be able to get over this.  I think starting a spending addictions forum might be great.  Any additional ideas are still welcome and wanted.
Thank you all again.
Repowm

[Gotmoxy]

You are already on the road to recovery. The first step was accepting your problem, and you did that. I understand what you are going through. My partner has the same issue with money. It was his idea to hand over his paycheck, because he doesn't trust himself with it. Don't feel belittled because your husband holds your paycheck. He is just worried, and wants to secure your and his finances. You don't have an issue with lying. This all revolves around money. You only lie to cover up your addiction. That's the same with most addictions. I'm guessing your children are grown or near adulthood? You don't owe them anything for your divorce with their father. Besides, money doesn't make up for broken families. Too many parents make this mistake. As long as your children are loved and nurtured by you and their father, they are going to be just fine. If your husband wants you to take care of the bills, do it. He is only going to give you the money to pay the bills, right? If you can't trust yourself with that, tell him you are not ready for that step just yet. Since you can't afford a therapist, why don't you start a new forum on here for spending addictions? Another step, is allowing your husband to read your threads on this subject. By him knowing that you want help and are seeking it, could really be beneficial to saving your marriage. Good luck!

[specialmom]

Ya know one of the first steps to recovering from a problem (which this certainly is) is to accept 100 percent responsibility.  Your husband has nothing to do with you overspending.  While I appreciate the extra information------- keep yourself focused on you.  You have to control yourself.  You shop because you are depressed/anxious.  It briefly makes you feel good.  Then you crash.  It is a cycle and you are deep in it.

What about NOT going shopping unless necessary and you shop only with a list.  What about taking a digital camera along and taking a picture of something you are tempted by instead of buying it. You can then go home and think about it.  Often the urge to buy will pass or you look to see if you can afford it before buying it.  

Take up a hobby such as job/walking that will help with the depression and fill up spaces of time you may have used for shopping instead.

YOu may feel like you are 12 but that is okay.  You breached his trust and confidence in you by causing serious financial problems.  This is what has to be done until you can overcome the issue.

I wish you the best.  

[repowm]

Thank you all so much.  I was the only one in control of the household finances.  I have asked him several times in the past to please take it over, but some how it always ended back in my lap.  So now he wants me to hand over my enitre paycheck each week and he will given me what he thinks I need.  I have done this for 2 weeks now and feel like I am 12 again instead of 41.  I don't think he did this to be in full control, but I really messed things up.  I know I spend way to much on my kids, and this is out of guilt for my divorce with their father, but it has been 14 years and they need to get over it.  Our credit is shot, so we only use cash now, but our house was almost lost and I did not tell him because I thought I could fix it.  We ended up having to go to his mother to save the house, and now his whole family will not speak to me.  I have I think been depressed for some time but with no health insurance, going to see a therapist is not in the budget.  So now I have made a mess of everything, and because of my spending I cannot even seek help.  I have looked into support groups in my area, but none found for this so far.  It is very hard for me to even get out of the bed each morning, and I go to work.  My husband has been out of work for almost a year, he still brings in money but he considers that his and my check should be able to run the household with his being our extra spending money.At the same time my grandaughter came to live with usbecause we found that my daughter was doing drugs, Pills, so I put her into rehab and we have had the baby since she was 9 months old and she will be 2 next week.  So somehow I lost me, and need to get it back.

Thank you all again for the comments and please keep posting them, it has helped and given me some great ideas.

[specialmom]

Hi,  this is tricky stuff. It is kind of like an addiction and I imagine you lie about it due to shame, guilt and fear of repercussions.  You feel like you can not stop yourself and that is a terrible feeling.  

Some ideas------- yes.  A therapist as AnnieBrooke said is idea.  If you have ocd, depression or anxiety . . .you could be self medicating with the shopping and giving.  You get a "high" when you do it and then experience a low afterwards.  You would want to make sure that you are on the right antidepressent and that it is working properly and talk therapy along with medication is your best chance at overcoming things.

I'd take an approach with money that involves total organization.  I'd try the envelope system.  Work on a budget that is realistic.  Start with bills and then see what is left over.  Put some money in an envelope for giving to kids.  Put some money in an envelope for your spending on the kids.  Make it cash.  Use only that.  When it is gone----- you have two choices.  Ask your husband for more (which he can decline if it is a tight month) or be done spending until the next filling of the envelopes.  Maybe fill them weekly to begin.  Get your husband on board with that.  

Next, know your triggers.  If it is Target (as it is for me)---------- don't go.  Pure and simple.  Then when you do go, go with your husband and kids.  Don't make shopping your hobby.  Leave it as something you must do and go with a list.  If you are like me, you can go crazy just in a grocery store.  Go with a list and a dollar amount you can spend.  Say it is a 100 dollars.  Go grocery shopping and get exactly what you need to feed your family and no extras.  It isn't as much fun . . . but remember you are avoiding that ooky feeling you get after the "binge".  

Mad money.  Save 10 bucks a week if you can.  Collect it.  Then once a month----- spend the 40 dollars on something fun.  (do this as it pertains to your budget . . . maybe it is 80 dollars a month.  But the point is you save it from your grocery money, other spending money, etc.).  I'm a big gardener and I save money each week starting in fall and go all the way through mid May and then have a nice envelope of money to spend on my plants for Spring.  I don't have to use credit or over extend ourselves because I saved a little each week.  

Start paying bills WITH your husband.  

Shopping addiction are like eating addictions.   You have to go into stores.  Learning to control yourself is hard.  But you can do it.  Beware of second hand stores.  This is a shopping binger's feast and 20 ways to trouble.  

Oh yeah, credit cards stay home.  Good luck.  Like I said this is a tricky one.  Avoiding the triggers is really key.  Wish you lots of luck!

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd go see a therapist.  

[jenkaye21]

Is the over-spending caused by the depression, or is the depression caused by the over-spending??   It sounds like it could be a vicious cycle...
You def need to talk to your hubby about it.  Do you control your household finances, or does he?  If you do, maybe he needs to take over.  If you don't think he can handle it, sit down and do it together,  No secrets.  It may be completely embarrassing, but you really do need to come clean.  He may be angry, but only when you admit to the problem can you start to fix it.  I have had problems with over-spending in the past, our debt creeping higher and higher; it can cause so much anxiety, believe me, I know!  You may also find speaking to a financial counselor helpful.  I believe there's a program called "Crown" that offers FREE Christian financial counseling all over the country.  Good luck!