Why do married men cheat?

Are things really bad at home or are things just fine and their just being selfish?

[younggrandmother]

They think the grass is always greener.

[teko]

I think its a combination of hormones, ego and lack of communication with their wives.

[adgal]

I don't think it has anything to do with how things are at home, although that's an excuse many use.  I think some men (and women) are just cheaters, and some just aren't.  For some, making a commitment is just words, it doesn't really mean anything.  It's sad and I do believe it ultimately comes back to bite them.  Karma.

[LindaTX]

What about a situation where the wife wants to separate to "find herself" after 35 yrs of marriage with no intention of cheating and after a few months decides to go back to her loving, always faithful, never cheating husband only to find out that he cheated 2 wks after she left and did so repeatedly with women he didn't even know, throughout their separation.  This was not any sort of legal separation.  Is it the wife's fault for leaving?  Or is the husband at fault for not being able to keep his hands to himself?  This is the kind of thing that can destroy a marriage.  

[mami1323]

Men cheat for all different types of reasons.  It is all dependent on the person.  I think some are looking for attention, some don't know how to communicate their unhappiness, some do it because they can and they want to and don't think they will get caught, some can't be with just one woman, some have a lack of family values.  There isn't one good answer.  For the question above, I think cheating is cheating.  If you separate to "find yourself" I do still think that in a way is cheating.  You come back to find that the husband is doing exactly what the wife was doing and don't like it well then that's the wife's problem.  It's not ok for either to behave in that way.  There is no mutual respect there at all.  Separate, divorce than see what's out there.  Don't separate with intentions on meeting new people and then just expect to come back like nothing ever happened.  That's my opinion though.

[mami1323]

Sorry Linda, I mis-read the post.  If the wife left but didn't cheat and the husband did...well that still is a sticky situation.  She left him, even if she did nothing.  I don't know what the agreement was between the husband and wife.  Whether she left and said it was a temporary break but they have to remain faithful or the husband had no idea what her intentions were and decided to see what else was out there.  He's wrong, definitely because if he did what he did after 2 weeks, what does that say about his level of commitment before she left.  I guess it's a sticky situation.

[LindaTX]

Thanks for your response.  I think she had gone through a lot, she had taken care of her elderly father for 5 yrs and her granddaughter from birth to 6 yrs and she wanted to get back her sense of independence, which she truly thought she could get from being on her own, and not depending on anyone for anything.  I think she felt stifled and just wanted some solitude.  Anyway, the agreement was to remain faithful, no fooling around That was agreed to by the husband, but for whatever reason, he cheated with several women and he lied about it.  Now she is wondering if this was the first time since it was so easy for him to jump right in after 35 yrs. Or if  this had possibly happened during happier times in the marriage. Can she ever be sure?

[mami1323]

Nope, she can't be for sure and frankly no one can know for sure in their relationships.  We have to just go by trust and since there is no proof than there is nothing she can do.  Why dwell on the past?  It will only hurt to think of it.  I would think that he used the break as an excuse but since there were talks of remaining faithful, he broke the vows.  He probably was curious to see what it was like to be with other women after all that time.  Can she start fresh with her husband and just say he did what he did during a really rocky time in the marriage?  It's a shame to throw that many years away, although I can imagine her hurt.  Marriage counseling may help.

[LindaTX]

Thank you and I think you are right on target.  She and her husband are still working at salvaging their marriage 5 yrs later, and it has taken a lot of work.  You are also right about marriage counseling.  That helped them both a lot.  I think they are going to make it, but things will never really be quite the same.  Like you said, its important to look toward the future and not dwell on the past.    

[mami1323]

No, things will never be the same because she will always see him as a different type of man now.  The man she once knew is not who he is anymore.  So a lot of things will have to change along with their relationship.  She will have to learn to let go of the past and move toward the future.  It takes a lot of strength to work past infidelity.  But if both people are willing to work hard at it, the relationship could be stronger than ever.  Not the same as before, but no relationship is perfect and there will always be a hurdle that a couple will have to overcome.  You have to learn not to be a victim and not to let anyone control your happiness.  Not even the love of your life.  Your friend will have to allow herself to be happy.  It's a struggle but it can be done.

[Judy246]

Because they are just stupid! It's the thrill of the opportunity and thinking with the wrong head. Someone who cheats, is selfish, self serving, opportunist, like's the thrill and attention of 2 women, lack moral values and respect for their partner. Don't realize that they are hurting the very person they love or no longer love. Some men turn to other women when they are unhappy in their marriage or relationship.

[mayflowers]

Basically I would say it's either to stroke his ego or he's unhappy at home or work and wants to escape for a while.  Some men can't control their urges when it comes to women (which is scary).

I don't think that it's the wife's fault unless she is nagging him all the time and makes him feel like he's worthless, whether she realizes it or not.  That would probably fall under the communication issue that Mami was talking about.  

[VicUser]

I am amazed at the number of women that are really clueless, I mean no disrespect.

[mami1323]

Fill us in Vic...

[VicUser]

I will, I promise, I am a bit busy at work at the moment, but stay tuned

[VicUser]

Oh do you want the short answer or the long one?

[mami1323]

I'm good with either.  The more you give us, the more we learn though....lol.

[mayflowers]

I agree with Mami, whatever you feel like telling us.  It will be nice to hear a guys point of view.

[Judy246]

Yes, VicUser, PLEASE, let's hear it!

[iam1butterfly]

Why does any married person (man or woman) cheat?
... some may argue that it's because one's "needs" aren't being met. But, actually
it's because the cheater doesn't value their relationship enough to be faithful to it...
pure selfishness!

[Vimes220]

Nowt like an easy question!

Every case will be different.

A friend of mine cheated on his wife whom he had been with since being childhood sweethearts. was it because he was in the wrong relationship, was it the pressure of children, was it because his sexual apatite was not being met, was it because he didn't love her, was it because the grass looked greener. In the end I doubt even he knows!

Another friend (female this time) said she was thinking about cheating on her husband to get his attention!

In the case highlighted by LindaTX. from a mans point of view I would feel rejected even if the reasons had been agreed. I'm not saying what he did was right, but if my wife said to me she needed to be on her own to get her independence back all sorts would go through my head ranging from was she planning to leave me to was she fed up with me. (and there is a pretty good chance that a few mates and a few more beers would fuel that paranoia)

[Judy246]

I agree with Vimes200 every case is different. Some men all just prone to cheat...the thrill of the chase, catch then comes the problems. Many are quite faithful. Now taking into consideration that we are speaking about "married" men. If they are bored in there marriage or same old rut, they can turn to another woman. If something is lacking in the relationship or problems in the relationship, they can possibly turn to another woman. It is definately adultery, self serving and take a chance knowingly that if their wife found it, it would inflict great emotional harm to her and the marriage. It's the opportunity, risk, and trill of the chance taken, but sooner or later, something will give and when it does there is hell to pay.

[Judy246]

I'm sorry, I mean "some men are just prone to cheat"...but not all.

[VicUser]

A starving man will look for food where ever he can find it. Men, and being one I can attest to this, want to be fed by our wives, but in this case not we are not talking about food you cook but the food that that makes us fell wanted, needed and loved. Men are simple, this is all it really takes, another way to state this is the 3 A’s appreciation, admiration and affection.  Yes there are those men that are narcissistic and will go for and skirt they can find, but we will assume you picked well.

Guys are physical, this does not mean that they are only after sex for the act itself. We need the loving touch of our wife, a wife can talk nice but if she recoils at his touch,  it is the same as saying “I really don’t want you”. I once heard from my wife that when I hugged her I always had to grope her too. What she didn’t understand was I was starving for her affection and while a nibble of a cookie tasted good the whole thing with milk would be much better.  What I would like, and I think most guys are the same, is a big hug and a kiss that says “I Love You and I am glad you are MY man” when I get home from work. For her to want to make love to me even if it has been a long day and she is tired, not just a spread of the legs and have a do it if you must attitude. We can get the same relief from a magazine and Rosie and her five sisters. BTW, when was the last time a good orgasm didn’t make you feel better and relive the stress of the day too?

A guy is supposed to be the one that supports and provides for his family too. I think most men share in that feeling and while in today’s world it is common for both to work, I think the man wants to be the major bread winner and feels emasculated when he can’t provide for this family. He needs to know that what he does pleases his wife and he is admired for working as hard as he does for her. Possibly a through back when a good man was a good hunter? Do women want the same appreciation for what they do? I think so and we can address that later, but this is about why men would cheat. A good example of this was a post I read where this woman’s hubby was employed in a body shop, I believe, and due to the economy the shop was doing poorly. All the other guys had been laid off but him but he was only working part time and would come home and sit on the couch and be real grumpy to say the least. I don’t know what it was like there first hand and I am sure there was a lot of self pity, however if she would have shown him love and been grateful he still had a job at all things might be different for them. I get the feeling she belittles him any chance she gets and he hears what a no good bast@@d he is a lot.

How many times have this happened with you or you have heard it? A husband brings home flowers or buys jewelry and the wife says one these things, “what did you do wrong” , “what are you feeling guilty for” or “why did you buy these, we can’t afford them”? Did you ever stop to think a better response would be to throw your arms around him and give him a big hug and slurpy kiss and tell him how happy they make you? When was the last time he decided to help out around the house and fold the laundry only to be told that he did it wrong? This is just one example but I bet most of you women are quick to point out when you husband “gets it wrong”.

Now think how the “other woman” makes him feel. She always has a compliment, a smile and she tries to look good. Maybe if married women would treat their husbands more like they did when they were dating, he wouldn’t want to look at other women. Women have all the power and they need to use it wisely.

As an end note, this is not a free pass for us guys, that is a different conversation as this is to address why a guy might cheat.

[Myown]

You made a lot of good points Vic - "3 A's" is one of them. But I feel there are things a woman needs to look for in a man BEFORE marrying them - just as there are things that a man needs to look for in a woman. There are definitely "red flags" that are so apparent sometimes and whether the women just feel the need to marry and they overlook these obvious flags or they are truly blind, OR does see them and thinks the guy will change, - oh,and one more - last but not least, she might feel that the "red flag" is not a red flag. Because what "I "see as a red flag maybe other women wouldn't - but that would be another thread:)

[mermaid569]

i think so often people are unfaithful b/c they are drrunk and we all know how certain women can be. they just cant resist it. but it means absolutley nothing to them - just a ****. of course, it is so so selfish, but also meaningless. now, if he is carrying on a relationship w/ someone else - that is completely different b/c he is becoming emotionally involved. i think i would really consider forgiving a one time fling over throwing away a marriage. we all know how a one night stand can mean absolutely nothing to u  and thats if you even remember the persons name! ha we are all human and will make mistakes

[Judy246]

A starving man or someone who lacksself control and is weak of the flesh and if married, he also lacks moral values and respect for the sacred vows he took.  Women, although being  being "blessed" with sensitivity and emotional are just as physical as a man with same needs, at least most women are...it all depends on the person, needs and personality. It's great that a man wants to provide for the family, but we are living in different times and 2010  is right around the corner and taking into consideration today's economy, some women are able to hold their own financially in case there is no man or the relationship does not work out. I made it a point to, become well educated to be able to hold my own with or without a man.

I belive married men cheat for many reasons, fustration in the relationship, unhappy marriage, opportunity or simply no longer in love with their wife, but either way, it is wrong and unexceptable no matter how he would justify an infidelity. Adultery is destructive to the very foundation of the family unit and carries long term consequences for what....moment of pleasure or weakness of the flesh. I always ask, was it worth it...was it worth losing your wife, family and moral values. Also, for a man to be fustrated to the point where he will turn to another woman, because he was layed off is inexcusable, cheap excuse and he is a weak man thinking with the wrong head so to speak. I can understand and sympathize with any man who is losing his job and has to come to a nagging wife. Then she is the insensitive one and instead of the man turning to another woman, communication is key to a relationship. He should have told her how he is feeling and address the issues instead of making it worse, by having an affair. It's simply not worth it.

I found it insulting that you believe that the other woman makes him feel wanted and has all the power, but for how long? Also, if he is unable to financially care for his wife, he is useless to the other woman who expect to be treated out, dinner, hotel, gifts...sex is good for how long, then eventually, all hell is going to break lose sooner or later, then they are going to be on this forum asking us how to get out of an adulterous afair, how sorry he is and how to get his marriage functioning again and I say, stupid is as stupid does! You make your bed, sleep in it!

So men then cheat, because they do not know how to effectively address concerns in the marriage or communicate with their wife, have no self control, lack respect, obviously lack Christian fear and or values and lack the proper skills to address problems, issues and seek comfort in the arms of someone who just might also give him an STD. There is absolutely no excuse for adultery. I believe if he no longer in love with his wife, wants to get out of the marriage, want to date other women, get divorce and then do whatever he wants.

[VicUser]

At no time did I say that cheating is acceptable, by either a husband or a wife, nor will I. However,  you may want to examine the rest of the marriage vows, such as love, honor and cherish, something that is too easily forgotten by both parties. So many find it is easier to be selfish than to wake up and wonder how they can make their spouse happy that day.

Men, and there again being one I am guilty, too often take what we are given for granted. In today’s world where the emasculation of men is common place, it is expected of men to take being made fun of for lacking as provider, not being good at helping around the house and in taking care of the kids in stride and just accept we are buffoons and totally inept of the simplest task ,even when it comes to love making, and don’t deserve much more than the scraps off the table let alone the 3 A’s from the woman that took vows with. If the man works 18 hours a day to provide, as in my option it should be so the wife can stay at home with the kids, he then doesn’t do enough around the house even if he takes care of the yard and cars and the outside of the house. If you don’t believe me watch the typical sitcom or read so many of the comments and Journals by the women on this site alone.

When I said the woman has all the power I was really referring to the wife, you may want to read that again. I think that a wife that makes a point of doing as I suggested, again provided she chose well, has no fear of her man cheating, because as I heard once why would he want to go out for hamburger when he has steak at home. Don’t get you panties in a bunch about that comment I was not meaning it in any way derogatory towards women meaning they are on the same leave as a piece of meat, it was just a was actually said by a well known hot actor when he was asked if he cheats on his wife, taken back that was his response.

As a side note, if you think I am the type that thinks that a woman’s place is home barefoot and pregnant, wrong again. My wife has recently finished getting her degree and has moved her way up the ladder to where she feels successful in her career goals.

Once again cheating is wrong, I was merely pointing out that so many women have no clue that if they give the 3 A’s, and if they have chose well, they will have a man that will put them on the pedestal and cherish them the way they deserve to be treated.

[VicUser]

oops typos in paragraph 3, level not leave, strike "was just a" in the next sentance.  

[teko]

LOL! Well! I have an update on my hubby that won't get off the couch. His employer has since called back a few employees and he is now working full days. However, when not working is still sitting on the couch. When I did that journal, I was talking about the state of the econemy and the effect it had on my house. However, no one was cheating, ever has or ever will. That would take effort to get up and he would not ,even for that. lol Yep, he feels if he puts in his 8, he has the right to sit on the couch weekends and all evenings unless it involves going out to eat. Cheating, not for me! I might end up with something worse and it is not worth it, so I have gone to doing my thing and leaving him sit. Nagging only makes it worse, threatening or belittling certainly is not good for eithers sex drive in case you did not know that! The other side of the story is that I also work, make just as much money. Except when I get off work, I still have errends, cleaning, ironing, cooking, paying the bills, and everything else around the house. So yeah, it does make one resentful. So I have settled for what I have and have learned to live with it but not because I want to. We are both older and to divorce would be detrimental to both of us financially and face it, we probably are so ruined with each other that we could not be happy with anyone else anyways. SO! Thanks for remembering me, but as far as a cheating situation, mine is not a good example. Sorry.

A man and a woman cheat when one or the other become discontent and their spouse is not paying attention. It can happen to anyone in any situation no matter what their financial status or marital history. Some men cheat cause they feel replaced by a child when it is born and Mom has to get up every 2 hours to breastfeed the baby and then when she is too tired to breastfeed the man he goes to looking for milk in other places. This is just one scenario.

Bottom line. I think its a combination of hormones, ego and lack of communication with their wives.

[teko]

I just wanted to add, the three A's, I agree with that, but it has to be coming from both sides of the fence or wont work. And really, how practical is that in this day and age.

[VicUser]

I did not mean to indicate either you or your hubby were cheating and I am sorry if it came across like that, it truly was not my intent. It just made me sad when I read about him only working part time and you were ragging on him. Because if you were saying it here he was hearing it or feeling it too.

It would be fun to do an experiment with you and him and see if his attitude would change and how fast. If you are up for it we can talk, I personally think you'd be surpized with the results, if nothing else it would totally confuse him.

[mami1323]

I am in total agreeance with Vic here.  I think he's correct.  I think a lot of men turn to another woman because she is stroking his ego.  I know in my situation I was extremely busy planning for our wedding, and then getting pregnant and having a baby, that he felt neglected and my attention was focused on our child and not on him.  But he was neglecting me for a long time to and I didn't go out and cheat.  I tried to talk to him but he was extremely selfish and turned to this pathetic and desperate woman.  Why I call her pathetic and desperate is because she was 6 years older than him, knew I existed and still wanted to be with him.  She knew I was pregnant and knew when our son was born and yet she didn't care about the family she was helping to break up and wanted him anyway.  It's really easy to go out clubbing and get all sexified when you don't have a crying child to care for and you're not up every 2 hours.  When it came down to it though, he would never have left me for her.  She was just a distraction.

[elvy66]

I am sorry but I am on his side, my husband did the same thing after 30 years marriage and I slept with 2 men afterwards and I do not feel guilty at all. He left me, HE LEFT ME, he didn't want to try and work through it with his wife, he left his family, he was selfish, very selfish and I am sorry why do we have to wait by the door for them to come home, because some never come home.

Mine wants to come home now after a year and half, I have told him about the 2 men and he wouldn't dare say anything about me sleeping with two men.  He made the situation, I didn't and at the time I needed the comfort of another man, I wanted to be held and I wanted to be loved even only for a night.

How dare them be angry for something they made.....thousands of wives and husbands are waiting at home for husbands and wives who are looking for themselves. That is sad....

Would I do it again.....ABSOLUTELY