Why does it still bother me and is there any chance it can ever be repaired?

[SoBrokenAndAlone1883]

I don't even know why I'm on here. I think I alr know the answers to my questions, but if there is some way someone else can help me realize how to take the steps I need to take this will be worth it. I have been married for almost two years now and I feel so alone and still hurt so much. I had been single for 2 years after a nasty divorce/custody battle and was completely happy being alone at the time, I w feel lonely occasionally but I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone.  I ended up renting a place from a couple not far from my parents house and the man I was renting from gave me his number incase I needed it for repairs etc. He started texting me and we began kind of flirting through texting, I immediately felt like this was wrong and told him I felt this way.  He assured me that he and the woman he was living were no longer together, he just needed to get his finances straight before he moved out.  I told him I couldn't have any type of relationship with him until this occurred first.  He eventually moved out and we started seeing each other.  A few months into our relationship I found out he was looking at porn and watching trashy music videos when I was around. He denied it and I decided to end the relationship.  Since he had a key to the place I was renting he came over and let himself in apologizing, telling me that he was sorry and that he wanted a relationship that was Christ centered and that it would never happen again. We kind of dropped it and tried to move on and eventually planned a wedding.  This man is 14 years older than me and has a grown daughter about 8 years younger than me who is jealous of our relationship.  Her and his parents lived in different states at the time and came in during for the wedding but his parents didn't come to rehearsal to meet my family and he treated his daughter like she was on a pedestal from the moment she arrived and dropped me like a sac of potatoes.  He did this during the entire time of our rehearsal too. I was upset because it was supposed to be a day about us not just about her. She was also very rude to my family and everyone who was there, including my at the time 2 year old daughter.  I threw a fit on him and the wedding didn't happen.  Well, I didnt speak to him after that and he starts texting me again telling me how much he missed me and talking about how we

[Londres70]

Hon, sounds like this is pretty toxic.  

What exactly are you loving about this man?  He verbally and emotionally abuses you AND he has other serious issues.  

I would recommend you consider leaving this abusive situation and seek counseling for yourself.

[SoBrokenAndAlone1883]

Would have been married had things not gone the way they did. We started talking about how things bothered each other and it really seemed that he understood and felt like I had legitimate reasons for getting hurt.  So we decided to get married at the park near our town.  And we did.  On our wedding night he woke me up grabbing my breast moaning saying "MmmMmmMmm" but had shown no interest in me prior to going to sleep.  It really bothered me because I fe like he was dreaming of someone else, on our wedding night.  The next night he woke me up masturbating in his sleep!  I was devastated!  Maybe a few days to a week after that I f out he had been talking to and texting his ex girlfriend that he was living with when he met me from the night our first wedding was supposed to occur up until 3 days before we married in the park after denying having any contact with her at all on several occasions I had asked him.  Since then I ha noticed every moan in his sleep and get angry, we sleep in different bedrooms. He has never been genuine and loving or affectionate in the way I nee him to be. We constantly argue, I'm constantly suspicious, he has a horrible temper, tells me he hates me. He travels for his job and I can trust him.  He is so distant and disconnected and thinks it's ok to try to show me affection by being immature and saying things that are sexual in nature but I despi them because of what he's done in the past.  He doesn't tell me about his day, is not open and honest.  Has threatened divorce almost every day we have been married. I tried so hard in the beginning to show him that we could get through this and tried turning to God but he refused.  But now I'm at the point where I d know what to do. I think if we could communicate in some way things could be different but it's like he can't do that or doesn't want to. I love this man and I always have. I just don't know if he has ever felt the same or if there is any way to resolve any of this or my pain that I'm holding on to when he can't effectively help me or us to do so.