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Why does my husband get so defensive about his family?
My husband gets angry whenever I say anything about his family. Even pointing something out sets him off. I can't say anything or else he gets defensive. He especially hates it when I say anything about the releationship his mother has with his ex-wife. His ex has done so much to alienate the relationship between my husband and his daughter that his daughter will barely say two words to him and completely ignores any attempt he does to make contact. His daughter is 18 and treats my husband like crap and we all know it's due to what his ex says and does. Because of this reason it bothers me when my husband's mother continues to be EXTREMELY friendly with my husbands ex wife, knowing she has poisoned his daughter's mind and has said so many negative things and lies about my husband. If I even express how I don't understand how his mom can be so friendly with his ex-wife he gets mad at me. I don't expect her to be mean or rude but she doesn't have to go out of her way with the hugs, kisses and I love yous to the ex-wife( she has been the ex-wife for 19 years). She can do all that with her granddaughter but with the ex she claims to hate and who has caused so many problems? I just don't understand it and I can't even say it to my husband or he gets mad at me and acts like I'm being ridiculous. He has even argued with me and threatened to leave me over a disagreement about his sister! A sister who when he was living with her had kicked him out for no reason, no notice because her husband at the time said so. They didn't care that he didn't have any of his things with him, they just locked him out one night. A sister who will stand by any man she is in a relationship with. I don't understand it and I've had it!! He acts like they are his number one priority. I go out of my way to be nice to them and don't ever have disagreements with his family or anything. I'm not that kind of spouse but I'm getting to the point to where I'm about to say what is on my mind.
Also, in his eyes it's ok for him to talk about my family and my nephews and nieces and point out anything wrong (regular kid stuff at that) they do but no one can do that to him. He has even gotten to the point to where he is always pointing every single thing out that may daughter does. He has so much nerve doing that when my daughter does so much to help out compared to his kids who are way older. I've had it. I have told him he can leave if he's not happy and he can go live with his family. He is a totally different person around them (sweet, fun, helpful, and respectful) and with strangers but with me and my family, he acts like he could care less. It hurts me so much because we have a 2 year old together and I know I do more for him and treat him better than his exes have. (Hmmm, maybe that's why he has so many exes) Anyway, it also hurts me because my family treats him like one of their own and behind their backs he talks bad about some of them. Please give me advice. Thank you!!!
Also, in his eyes it's ok for him to talk about my family and my nephews and nieces and point out anything wrong (regular kid stuff at that) they do but no one can do that to him. He has even gotten to the point to where he is always pointing every single thing out that may daughter does. He has so much nerve doing that when my daughter does so much to help out compared to his kids who are way older. I've had it. I have told him he can leave if he's not happy and he can go live with his family. He is a totally different person around them (sweet, fun, helpful, and respectful) and with strangers but with me and my family, he acts like he could care less. It hurts me so much because we have a 2 year old together and I know I do more for him and treat him better than his exes have. (Hmmm, maybe that's why he has so many exes) Anyway, it also hurts me because my family treats him like one of their own and behind their backs he talks bad about some of them. Please give me advice. Thank you!!!
Best Answer
To everyone - Londers,Brice,Tinnkker and especially you Specialmom, thanks for your advice. Even if it may not sound like it, I appreciate your advice. I think I may show this thread to my husband. I'm tired of how things have been lately and I want it to stop. Goodnight and I will post in the morning in case anyone is interested.
Thank you! You are the only one who understood what I was trying to say.
Perhaps I should have been more clear.
It's upsetting that she treats this particular ex this way when this woman has done horrible things, including physical attacks. My MIL is the type of person who tells it like it is and will tell someone flat out if she doesn't like them, man or woman. This isn't a shy little grandma one bit. That is one of her traits I admire the most, lol, it's true. Trust me she has told plenty of her children's significant others off regardless if it would affect her relationship with her grandchilderen. Therefore, we don't understand how she puts up with this ex and why all of a sudden she is showing so much affection. Frankly it pissed off my husband and and it pissed me off too. Then it hurts me when my husband gets mad at me for siding with him or talking about the situation. I don't just bring up the situation out of the blue either. It becomes a topic when something happens that has to do with this particular topic. He knows he gets defensive because he has admitted it and all he can say is he doesn't know why he gets like that. Another example, he tells me his mom can't handle our little one. A few days later he says she is going to pick her up to go somewhere. I said ok are you going to? His response, "why my mom can't spend time with her? I told him of course but you said your mom can't handle her. Mind you his response is angry and then lightens up to oh yeah and of course I'm going she can't handle her. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about when I say any little thing. I do know that when he was with the ex before me (yes, a different on than mentioned earlier) he never spent time with his family. He has also told me that the other ex (the one with the issues) used to talk bad about his family and everyone else. I don't know if it has anything to do with how he is with me but I wish it would stop.
*SIGH* Specialmom, maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants me to listen and not say anything at all and maybe that's what I need to do. He is so different than what I'm used to. I'm used to a husband and wife backing up each other, at least that is what I have always seen with my parents. It's funny because when he has complained about something my mom or sister has said to me that has upset me I don't ever get mad at him. I like that he is on my side. I wish he could be the same way with me. I get upset when he talks bad about them when they aren't doing anything to hurt anyone. He will complain about the most trivial things that have nothing to do with him at all. It could be my sister talking about wanting to go on a trip and he will make a remark about my sister bragging, one sister could talk about something one of her kids did, he will make a remark like whatever, they aren't going to do that or whatever, she won't go because she won't want to get up or something. If my sister gets her nails done, he will make comments about should she be paying a bill instead. None of these things are any of his concern, we don't support them. These are just the little annoying examples that I deal with daily. It's not a huge battle everyday in my house as I let half the stuff he says roll off these days but it's getting old.
I feel so many people were compelled about the MIL/Ex wife thing when the main issue for me was how my husband reacts to anything I say about his family even if it's just me letting him know about something. Regardless of what anyone says, I KNOW stating that I don't know why my MIL was overly affectionate to woman she claims to hate is not and ILL statement, that I do know. No one even touched on the example about his sister. I feel like I was attacked by a MILs and ex wives. ;) I'm not an unfair person at all. I'm an ex wife too, I get along with my current husband's ex wives (except this one now) I get along with my MIL even though she does things that upset my husband and me , I get along with ex MIL, I get along with my ex, I get along with my ex husband's fiance. I know the difference between being petty and realizing when something doesn't seem right.
Specialmom I'm thankful for your insight. I have often wondered if it is a form of jealousy. My family and I are close and are always there for one another. We can get mad at each other and we will get it all out, make up and never look back. We can say how we feel and know we will still love eachother. I don't think his family is like that. It's like they never have true heart to hearts or anything like that. Only talk about good things and thats it. I know they had problems in the past, way before I came along so maybe he is trying to make up for it? I don't know. I have noticed that my husband will talk about his friends who are doing better than him negatively so maybe it's along the same line, a form of jealousy? Who knows. I just know that I want us to get along.
To the person who said family was before me, my family before him, etc. I know that. However, once you marry someone your spouse is your partner, that is your best friend and you are building another family with your spouse. You don't disown your parents or siblings but you move onto a different love and priorites change. With that said, I'm not saying he has to take my side on everything, as I would not with him either if he is wrong but if you know your spouse is in the right don't turn your back on them. Especially, when your spouse has been there for you through so much. Remember, some families have been there from day 1 but may not have provided the ideal supportive enviroment. I've gotten way off track again, sorry.
BTW, Tinker and Londres 70, geez my comment to Londres about slamming was a joke. LOL and a smiley face...
Perhaps I should have been more clear.
It's upsetting that she treats this particular ex this way when this woman has done horrible things, including physical attacks. My MIL is the type of person who tells it like it is and will tell someone flat out if she doesn't like them, man or woman. This isn't a shy little grandma one bit. That is one of her traits I admire the most, lol, it's true. Trust me she has told plenty of her children's significant others off regardless if it would affect her relationship with her grandchilderen. Therefore, we don't understand how she puts up with this ex and why all of a sudden she is showing so much affection. Frankly it pissed off my husband and and it pissed me off too. Then it hurts me when my husband gets mad at me for siding with him or talking about the situation. I don't just bring up the situation out of the blue either. It becomes a topic when something happens that has to do with this particular topic. He knows he gets defensive because he has admitted it and all he can say is he doesn't know why he gets like that. Another example, he tells me his mom can't handle our little one. A few days later he says she is going to pick her up to go somewhere. I said ok are you going to? His response, "why my mom can't spend time with her? I told him of course but you said your mom can't handle her. Mind you his response is angry and then lightens up to oh yeah and of course I'm going she can't handle her. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about when I say any little thing. I do know that when he was with the ex before me (yes, a different on than mentioned earlier) he never spent time with his family. He has also told me that the other ex (the one with the issues) used to talk bad about his family and everyone else. I don't know if it has anything to do with how he is with me but I wish it would stop.
*SIGH* Specialmom, maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants me to listen and not say anything at all and maybe that's what I need to do. He is so different than what I'm used to. I'm used to a husband and wife backing up each other, at least that is what I have always seen with my parents. It's funny because when he has complained about something my mom or sister has said to me that has upset me I don't ever get mad at him. I like that he is on my side. I wish he could be the same way with me. I get upset when he talks bad about them when they aren't doing anything to hurt anyone. He will complain about the most trivial things that have nothing to do with him at all. It could be my sister talking about wanting to go on a trip and he will make a remark about my sister bragging, one sister could talk about something one of her kids did, he will make a remark like whatever, they aren't going to do that or whatever, she won't go because she won't want to get up or something. If my sister gets her nails done, he will make comments about should she be paying a bill instead. None of these things are any of his concern, we don't support them. These are just the little annoying examples that I deal with daily. It's not a huge battle everyday in my house as I let half the stuff he says roll off these days but it's getting old.
I feel so many people were compelled about the MIL/Ex wife thing when the main issue for me was how my husband reacts to anything I say about his family even if it's just me letting him know about something. Regardless of what anyone says, I KNOW stating that I don't know why my MIL was overly affectionate to woman she claims to hate is not and ILL statement, that I do know. No one even touched on the example about his sister. I feel like I was attacked by a MILs and ex wives. ;) I'm not an unfair person at all. I'm an ex wife too, I get along with my current husband's ex wives (except this one now) I get along with my MIL even though she does things that upset my husband and me , I get along with ex MIL, I get along with my ex, I get along with my ex husband's fiance. I know the difference between being petty and realizing when something doesn't seem right.
Specialmom I'm thankful for your insight. I have often wondered if it is a form of jealousy. My family and I are close and are always there for one another. We can get mad at each other and we will get it all out, make up and never look back. We can say how we feel and know we will still love eachother. I don't think his family is like that. It's like they never have true heart to hearts or anything like that. Only talk about good things and thats it. I know they had problems in the past, way before I came along so maybe he is trying to make up for it? I don't know. I have noticed that my husband will talk about his friends who are doing better than him negatively so maybe it's along the same line, a form of jealousy? Who knows. I just know that I want us to get along.
To the person who said family was before me, my family before him, etc. I know that. However, once you marry someone your spouse is your partner, that is your best friend and you are building another family with your spouse. You don't disown your parents or siblings but you move onto a different love and priorites change. With that said, I'm not saying he has to take my side on everything, as I would not with him either if he is wrong but if you know your spouse is in the right don't turn your back on them. Especially, when your spouse has been there for you through so much. Remember, some families have been there from day 1 but may not have provided the ideal supportive enviroment. I've gotten way off track again, sorry.
BTW, Tinker and Londres 70, geez my comment to Londres about slamming was a joke. LOL and a smiley face...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, and one more question, why does he say he treats your family a bit cold and keeps them at arms length? Have you ever asked in a way that is 'just talking'? Could he be jealous at the nice way your family interacts when his doesn't as much?? Or is he trying to get back at you for feeling like you don't care for his parents (not saying you don't care for them but he may perceive it that way)?
I'm sure the smart people above recommended some therapy. It may be really helpful for exploring this issue. Peace
I'm sure the smart people above recommended some therapy. It may be really helpful for exploring this issue. Peace
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And sometimes people are defensive about their family because they have a little pain surrounding them. My husband's mom was a real doozy. Now, in the end, as she's passed away now, I felt I grew to like and respect her, but she was difficult with her worst fault being that she wasn't all that nice to my husband. But she was his one and only mother. He could be honest to me about her but didn't want me to use that information to hurt him more by bashing her. She was easy to bash, let me tell you but I tried hard to control my tongue because it made my husband feel bad. Better to let him do the complaining. And I've found that to be the case with the rest of his family. If I complain or point things out, he freezes up. But if I don't say much, he'll notice things they do more. Why that is, I don't know.
And one other thing which is GOOD news for you. If one of his buddies says something rude about you. . . he's gonna get ticked off. He'll be loyal to you like he is to her.
So, I don't know why he is protective of his family. But I've found that I just hold my tongue a bit and do all my venting and complaining about my in laws to my friends.
I think that a my family verses your family is a battle that doesn't need to happen. Keep it neutral. Having in laws is a job for many people.
Now, if she is mistreating you, that is another matter. You have every right to tell your husband if you feel she is rude or nasty to you. Then he should help set a boundary himself with his mom (or whomever).
Again, I didn't read everyone's responses, so please forgive me. I may be reiterating what everyone is saying or completely off track.
I do wish you luck!