Why oh why is he like this!?

[tattedlady]

Okay so if anyone decides to read this get ready for lots of details.... I am a 22 year old single mother, my babies father and I recently separated about 8 months ago and he is no longer a part of my daughters life... I recently have been trying to get out there and meet new people and I ran into a  boy that I used to talk to in my early highschool years... The most i could remember about our previous relationship was that he was so close to his younger brother that at times it would kind of get in the way of what we had...we ended up just stopping talking because he cut me off all of a sudden and i hadnt heard from him until about three months ago when we caught up on My space. We have been talking now for a while and at first I wasnt all too into him, lets just say he was the one doing all the calling and texting and i really didnt care where the relationship went because to be honest I was talking to a bunch of different people at the time. Now that i care about him a little bit more I have noticed a change in him. For example , we talk all day long while he is working but once night time rolls around there will be times that we dont talk at all, his excuse for this is that he is busy with his training for boxing and basketball and that he gets tired and falls asleep. We dont usually talk on the weekends either(which are his days off) and we usually dont hang out unless i have a friend that can hang out with his brother and we double date.... I have caught him in lies about his upbringing, he told me his parents were still together but then he went to saying he wasnt raised with a father figure????? Im also confused about him having issues with commitment, he is 7 years older then me and he often talks about marrying me and he is very good with my daughter but i feel like everytime we get close he finds something ridiculous to fight about and i always end up apologizing for something i dont feel i did wrong to keep him happy... I feel like im kissing his butt because i feel like he has so much potential but i honestly cant take much more...i dont understand how a 29 year old man would rather spend a saturday night playing xbox with his brother then to come have a hot night with me lol,,,hes also a mammas boy, and it seems like i cant make him happy no matter what! Has anyone had a problem like this??? is it me? should i keep trying??? please help! thank u!

[tattedlady]

thank u everyone for ur comments... :)

[teko]

If I were a young single mom coming out of a bad relationship, I would pay attention to red flags. You may be young but are experienced enough to see them flying. He talks to you all day while at work, but evenings and weekends he is not available? He says it is this and that. Do you believe him? I don't think I would, nor do I believe he spends that time playing games. I think you are seeing his priorities and it is not you or a budding relationship. I don't care what commitments a guy has because when he is into a girl and consumed with her, he will prioritize his life and rearrange things in order to be with her. Then picking stupid fights? Another flag. Have you had sex? Dont answer that here, but if you have then he may be keeping contact because you are convenient when he wants it. Regardless this guy does not sound like the type of guy that is going to meet your needs now or in the future. He sounds fickle and what you need is someone more stable and who has something to offer.  Someone you can depend on for emotional and financial support. Someone with the same dreams you have. Do not settle for less.IMO

[mami1323]

I agree with specialmom and Sam. I feel like if his actions are showing non commitment then go with that. He can say a bunch of things but he's showing you a whole lot. He hangs with his brother and includes him in everything, I have no idea why but it would be annoying to me as well. I would want to find someone who is looking for what I was and showing it so who cares why he does what he does. Its not working for you so move on. I also think you need time alone for awhile. Life isn't always about relationships. Become independent, spend time with your child. Also please don't take offense to this, you've just separated from your child's father and you already have this other man being introduced. Now this isn't panning out with him. So your child is going to meet how many men? My point is don't bring your child around any man until you are sure of the relationship first. It can become very confusing for a child. That's just my opinion.

[specialmom]

Well, you are a polite young lady and seem to be trying to sort your life out. From a therapist's point of view, it is so much easier to do that without the ups and downs of a new relationship.  That is what Sam is speaking of in terms of a year wait. It is true that this is often recommended.  In fact, I said the same thing.

You do deserve a good relationship!!  You absolutely do.  It is just hard to get it when we are freshly out of an old relationship that was complicated.  And if we focus on the things in life that make us independent from a man (our own friends, hobbies, school or work, our child) we are in a better position to find someone that is a full package in a guy.  Does that make sense?  Once we are all together . . . we look for guys that also are.  

And I'd love for you to be with a guy that has a ton going for him.  This one doesn't sound like he is trying too  hard at life or anything else.  I'm not trying to be mean and putting him down, but I want better for you.  

I think after a break up a person is vulnerable and lonely and that clouds some decision making.  But ultimately, you are in charge of your own life and will make your decisions.  I wish you the very best and a happy future.

[SeriousSam]

Ok reread my post without the fillip about the date.  Still applies.

[tattedlady]

This is not about a hot night at all... if thats all u gathered from my question then maybe u should re-read it... this is about him going back and forth and why it seems that it is impossible to make him happy, and why he talks about commiting but never does, and why we always have to double date with his brother????

[SeriousSam]

This is a silly question but needs to be asked,

What type of single guy do you think chooses a hot night with a relatively new unwed mother as opposed to with his friends or unencumbered women.

If you ask yourself this I think you will find reason to give pause and be careful.

Also psychologists usually recommend a year long moratorium on dating if you have a serious break up with kids involved.  You might want to ask yourself why?

[tattedlady]

Thank u for taking the time to read my question! i still keep my options open and talk to different people, i guess this particular guy started to stand out a little more... and ya i agree, it kinda does feel like its gonna be a dead end!  Thanks for responding!

[tattedlady]

Thank u so much for taking the time to read my question and respond to it! i found that it seemed like you could relate to what im going through the most out of the three ppl who answered... i think ur right about him not knowing what he wants so im just gonna let it go until he figures it out! thank u!

[tattedlady]

Hi specialmom... thank u so much for reading my very long question! I do focus all my time on my daughter  but i still feel like im deserving of a good relationship even though im a single mother... your probably right about not worrying about it so much, i think ill just leave things alone and see where they go! thank u so much for ur advice!

[imanaddict]

So what happened to the other guys you were talking to? I would continue talking to them rather than putting all your focus on this one because it sounds like a dead end (again).

[specialmom]

Okay.  Don't get mad.  I don't think it is the time to be starting up with another guy.  You have a little child and just broke up with that child's father.  Time to focus on you and your baby.  What are you doing for work?  Do you have a degree?  Now is the time to throw yourself into that so that you are not dependent on men in your life.  You are a young mother and whatever free second or time you have needs to be spent with your child.  Not worrying about some guy and going out, etc.  We make choices in life and at a young age you became a mom.  

Beyond that, this guy is lying to you and not asking you out on weekends.  I don't think he is offering himself for dating.  And I don't think you should want someone that takes you as someone he doesn't have to be honest with from the get go.  Don't worry about him and move on.

I gave you advice in this direct way with the hope of being helpful.  You are at an age in which you can shape the direction of your life.  Yes, lots of things happen to change our direction but what you do at this point will directly affect it.  It will also affect your child's.  I'm sorry you broke up with your little one's dad and I'm sure you are hurting and feeing lonely.  Your time for a love relationship will come but you'll be more successful with that if you spend the next year or so focusing on other things in your life.  Wishing you the best of luck.