Will a porn addict ever change?

[Tiredoffighting]

I have lived with my fiance for 3 years. It took me a year until I figured out what was going on. He would fall asleep as soon as he sat down after work. I couldnt get him aroused in bed. It seemed like he wanted to but his body wasnt cooperating. Slowly I began to notice the signs. Naive as I was..I am totally educated on the topic of pornography now. I have found so much stuff on his computer. Everytime I mention it he he blames it on my 18 yr old son which has his on computer, laptop and tablet. Then storms off like a child.Why does he need your computer. I am not working due to an accident at work. So with no income I  just to pack up and leave but I am trying to find ways of help to do so. He will lie to my face and his concious doesnt bother him. He does it while im sleeping or not home. Can he change without professional help? I started packing on friday and that seem to help but im pretty sure my love for him is fading fast! Help I dont know what to do. 3 yrs of this crap is too much!!

[specialmom]

I believe something is an addiction when it starts off as pleasurable and then is used as avoidance to numb pain or avoid real life and then becomes an impulsive need. If it hurts our partner and we don 't care enough to give it up because it is THAT important to us then it is a problem. And if it isn't addressed properly then the addiction is shifted to something else such as gambling eating or shopping besides alcohol and or drugs.  I encourage people to not take addiction lightly just because it is porn or sex.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I take note You state:

" I'm smart(?) enough to realize I could never do the relationship thing"

There are reasons You are choosing porn over interacting with a person.  

Most people don't realize/recognize at what 'point' They have become addicted to anything; be it cigarettes, alcohol, porn, etc,. etc.  One isn't addicted to anything in the beginning.  It takes continued use, be it physical substance or be it mental adrenalin, serotonin, dopamine, etc., etc.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I take note You state:

" I'm smart(?) enough to realize I could never do the relationship thing"

There are reasons You are choosing porn over interacting with a person.  

Most people don't realize/recognize at what 'point' They have become addicted to anything; be it cigarettes, alcohol, porn, etc,. etc.  One isn't addicted to anything in the beginning.  It takes continued use, be it physical substance or be it mental adrenalin, serotonin, dopamine, etc., etc.

[thegame2345]

Sure if a person does those things to a partner it is a problem but it's not "porn addiction" it's a problem with that persons poor choices.  If anyone ever had an "addiction" to porn it would be me hahaa,  but it's not a problem and I'm smart enough to realize I could never do the relationship thing maybe that guy in the relationship should have figured out this and not had a partner to begin or just stopped.

[thegame2345]

Well than maybe that person shouldn't have a partner pretty simple, doesn't mean it's an addiction.   I masturbate to porn at least once a day usually more, it's not a problem, because I don't have a partner, never has been a problem.  

[Londres70]

Absolutely Tink.

It not the problem with the porn per se, but the issue of addiction to porn and how the addiction can profoundly affect one's relationship.

Obviously if someone feels the need to lie, cover up, do things behind his/her partner's back and even blame the behavior or situation on another person then he/she KNOWS he/she has an issue.  That is ADDICT behavior for sure.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Nothing wrong with gambling - IF You and Your Family don't suffer economically from losses

Nothing wrong with alcohol - IF You don't become an alcoholic

Nothing wrong with porn - IF You don't become addicted/obsessed and You are unable to connect, interact and even perform with Your Partner.  

One can become addicted to anything that gives one that adrenalin, dopamine "rush".  ALL addictions eventually become problematic to the 'user' and the users' Partner/Family.

[thegame2345]

Nothing wrong with porn at all and its not an addiction really, but I can see the problem if you are in a relationship and your partner doesn't agree with it or thinks you are being neglectful.   That is more of a compatibility issue than an addiction issue.   So I would say yea find someone more compatible with you is all.  

[Londres70]

I wish you all the best.  

Find someone who embraces the way you want to live......your beliefs and your way of life.  

There are great men out there who don't indulge in porn.

[Tiredoffighting]

I want to thank you everyone for their expert opinions. I don't have anyone to discuss this with that would understand. Everyone discussed ideas that  I had not considered or read about. I have reached out to my church for help. They are willing to help with no questions asked. I believe in my heart that if he did change, I couldnt trust him or believe a word he says.
  I am a Christian living in sin...  and this situation my be God's will to remove me from it and live in peace!
  GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!

[Nighthawk61]

there are many partners that are more suitable to you
but you need to be single to access them
i'm sorry for your loss of this relationship, however bad, it's mostly always tough to move on
but you can do it
joining groups would help to distract you
wishing you the very best that life has to offer
and every peace and happiness

[nursegirl6572]

There are definitely different levels of porn watching, and I would agree that if the porn is interfering with the person's life in any way, sexually, or otherwise, then it's definitely a problem.

I just think it's fairly common to see people who are passionately opposed to porn automatically label it as an addiction, if that makes sense.

[specialmom]

Definitely a hard thing to live with.  I personally think that you've put in your time and that it is okay to say you've had enough.  good luck!  It's hard to leave someone but at the same time---  it sets you free to find a healthy person to be with instead.  peace

[Jinx_777]

i think it is an addiction in the sense that it changes them from being able to have 'regular' sex.  they get to the point they cannot even perform without it.  they will be sneaky, secretive, liars, etc.  i do think it is different from the term 'sex addiction' to which i am skeptical about.  i guess i seen it first hand.  it does progress in time, just like drugs.  i had left my ex and came back to get something and his room was transformed into some freak zone.  he took one of the huge 4 posters off so he could see ALL the the televisions that he had set up.   there were at least 6 and his laptop on the bed.  disgusting.  think i left without whatever it was i went there for

[nursegirl6572]

Ditto all of the above replies.

I think the term porn "addiction" gets thrown around a lot, erroneously.  I'm not saying that's the case here, but I think a lot of partners automatically classify porn watching as an "addiction", when it may just be kind of typical porn watching behavior.

Bottom line IMO though is, there are all KINDS of opinions about porn watching, and if one's partner doesn't respect his/her views and concerns about it, then they're just not compatible.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with SpecialMom and Londres70.  I would not stay with SomeOne addicted to porn, or any other addiction for that matter.  

Addiction takes much desire and much effort to overcome.  You've given it three years and it doesn't seem He's interested in change so if You want change YOU need to seek change.  I know it's hard to leave but isn't it also hard to stay under the circumstance You describe here?  

Good luck

[Londres70]

"Can he change without professional help?"..........In my opinion, no.
And even with therapy on board he may still continue.

I would say find someone without the porn issue and not stay with someone in hopes he will become "porn free."

[specialmom]

Yes, Tinkerbell.  It is also theorized that by adding a dopamine related medication, it helps porn addicts.   But it is a long road---  I sure would consider after three years that it might be time to move on

[TTinKKerBBell]

Porn "trains" the brain.  It actually changes the neuropathways in the brain - it's the release of dopamine that one becomes addicted to.  One is actually seeking the dopamine rush - that's why people become addicted to porn, gambling, jumping off buildings, out of airplanes - it's the search for the RUSH that creates the addiction - it reaches the point where it takes more and more porn, more and more EXPLICIT porn to get that rush. It's different than addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs as those are the body becoming addicted to an addictive substance, BUT addiction itself is much the same in the sense that 'tolerance' goes up and it takes more, and more, and more to get that 'rush' = addiction.  ONE of the huge problems regarding addiction, is one almost always never recognizes when they have crossed the 'line' and it becomes addiction whether it's a mental (brain) addiction of a physical (substance) addiction.

Read "Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson.  
   www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

Watch the 6 series.  It will enlighten You and hopefully Your Partner as well.

[Jinx_777]

i was engaged to someone who was a 'recovering' porn addict.  it was supposedly 3 yrs since that and meth.  he relapsed and I left.  
there is a movie that just came out on dvd called don juan.  it is about a porn addict and his fight to stop for his gf..  i highly recommend watching it.  you can google 'watch don juan online' and access it;  it will give you a good view of it from his eyes

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome!  Well, an addiction to pornography is like any other addiction.  A person has to want to overcome it themselves for them to do so.  This starts with even admitting their is a problem.  Your boyfriend is not there yet it sounds like.  

Addiction is also something that is often misunderstood.  Many addictions are actually a coping mechanism for another issue such as depression or an avoidance tactic from the real world of which something is hard for them.  That is why therapy is important because that is often the root cause of an addiction.  A person needs coping strategies or treatment for depression or whatever is at the heart of the addiction that makes it so necessary.  Pornography is not like a drug addiction in which one is physically addicted, it's all mental.  Therefore, mental health has to be addressed.  A doctor that works with a psychologist is goof for this and this can happen independently of a treatment center or IN a treatment center (be it outpatient or inpatient).  

What happens when someone just gives up something like porn when they are 'addicted' to it is that they switch the addiction to something else.  this is very common.  They may gamble they may shop, they may hoard, etc.  they may even turn to substance.  The root cause does need to be addressed.  

So, I'm not sure what to tell you.  Is there hope?  There is always hope. But he has to want to make this change and put forth the effort to do so.  

Al anon might be a good place for you to go.  While they focus on those who loved alcoholics, the principles of loving someone with an addiction problem but still having firm boundaries in place are the same.

I've left someone with a substance abuse problem.  I see this as similar.  I put myself first because I want a stable and happy life.  

This relationship does not sound like it is working.  Hopefully you are healing from your accident and can get back to work soon which will help you feel better about life in general I'm sure.  

Wishing you peace as I'm sure this is a really hard decision and time in our life.  good luck