Relationships Community
Will he ever get over his issues and marry me?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Will he ever get over his issues and marry me?

My boyfriend & me have been together for a year now. Some might think thats a bit early to be talking about marriage of all things. Well.. We have known each other for many years. Back in 99 I met him online, our relationship back then was so so. I guess you can say I really didn't care how he felt about me then ( I was young & really was more interested in looks). I ended up putting him in the "friends" catagory. Time went on.. he got in a relationship & had a baby.. I got in a relationship & had a baby. By then we had lost touch. January 09 I got contacted on Myspace by him asking what I've been up to. Ever since then things have been great; well.. KINDA! We live seperate lives. He has his place, I have mine. He has custody of his son & of course I have my daughter so it can be difficult at times. Here's the problem.. I want more! His sons mother was crazy.. and I mean crazy. He went through 7 yrs of hell & still has to deal with it sometimes. Everytime I try to bring us up in conversation or our relationship he doesn't want to talk about it. Just yesterday we went on what was suppose to be a romantic evening. We got a hotel out of town & went to see a basketball game. To me I thought this would be the perfect time to get down to some talking since there was no kids. But instead the day & night went just like anyother night. I jokingly said last night "Lets just go get married".. and then I got a long silence & an "I'm allegic to that word." I told him what I thought about marriage these days.. when I was younger I wanted no part but as I've grown closer to him I feel like I'd do it tomorrow, I just know he is the one. But shouldn't he just know also?? If I was the right one for him wouldn't he feel the same way? I know men work WAY differently then women do and I'm doing my best to understand. Anyways, one thing he said after I told him what I thought about marriage really got to me. He said "I don't want to get stabbed." Ok thats his past relationship talking... I feel like he should know me way better then that. He should know I would never hurt him physically or mentally but yet I still get little comments like that. Today on our way home while at lunch I told him I really wished we had got to talk more on our trip but he doesn't want to talk to me. He said back that its not that he doesn't want to talk to me about it or answer my questions but he doesn't know how to sugar coat his answers so he doesn't hurt my feelings. Does this mean its never gonna happen for us? I had to stop talking about it cause I was tearing up. Can anyone give me some advise? I don't want to lose him but am I better off letting him go & seeing if he comes to me again?
Related Discussions
13 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
684030_tn?1415615923
If he's responding with language like, "allergic" and "stabbed" when discussing
marriage; then, he's not marriage material. I would place him back into the "friends" zone.
Blank
686059_tn?1293837427
Past negative experiences with relationships have left him marriage phobic and he is not ready to be in an exclusive or committed relationship with your or anyone at this time. If you are seeking a serious committed relationship that will eventually end in marriage, you might want to let this one go, because he is damaged goods and not ready to commit.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
I agree with the above ladies.  He is actually being very honest with you which is good----  he respects you enough to do that.  He most likely loves you but is telling you that for now----  no.  He doesn't want to get more serious than this.  And with young kids in tow for both of you, that could be a wise decision. Making mistakes with kids involved is doubly painful.  Good luck and may you find happiness.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
For a father, with the amount of fighting you have to do, you would be nuts to try to have a relationship like marriage again.  At least until your child grows up!

Women in most english speaking countries are the presumed "nurturers of children" regardless of how horrible they might be and to get custody they either have to give the child up willingly or basically be obvious about being the bride of Satan!  You know get caught molesting the kids on tape etc.  And even then their behavior will more than likely be rationalized.

Leave this guy alone and move on to more naive meat.
Blank
145992_tn?1341348674
You've been together for a year and even if you've known each other prior doesn't mean the same as the relationship part.  It takes a while to grow as a couple, especially when children are involved.  My fiance was in a very, very bad marriage and that's why I think he fears getting married.  He holds on to the negative experience and has a huge wall up.  That is probably how your boyfriend feels.  He may never want to get married or he needs more time.  If you want marriage though, this may not be the right relationship for you.  Just knowing that you may not get what you desire may be your deal breaker.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i am sorry if i hurt yu with the ans i am giving, but if he refuses to think about marriage with you, he will not marry you, but one of these days let the right woman come along and he will fall all over himself to get married i have known couples to go together 6 and 7 years with the intent to get married and out of the blue the women gets a letter and he has met his true love, i really felt sorry for these women they waited so long and then all of the years for nothing, but maybe you will get lucky, but i do not think so he wants to keep you around for convenience  luck  jo
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
remember the above is just my opinion, and i could be wrong  luck  jo
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
He wasn't married in the past.. just a real bad relationship. I think now I need to decide how importmant marriage is to me. Our relationship is great without this in the picture. He's supportive and I do beleive that one day when he has more trust that our relationship won't turn out like theirs things possibly would flip around. My sister & her husband were in a relationship for 10 years and they got married 5 years ago.
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
I think what you just said is true.  You need to decide how important marriage is.  

If you'd be happy living this way and not regret having wasted time waiting for a marriage,  then continue.  If you think in the long run if he doesn't marry you,  you will feel like this was a  wasted piece of your life,  it's time to move on.

He doesn't want to get married,  or he doesn't think you're the one,  it's impossible to tell which.  Either way don't bank on it.

And I'd be a little cautious of believing he was in a relationship with a psycho.  There are two sides to every story,  and you're only hearing his.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Well.. the psycho part I beleive 100%. This women lost custody of both of her kids because of her actions. I guess you can say even if I didn't beleive his side of the story I can atleast beleive the judge.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I came out of a really crappy marriage, and I always say I would never get married again.  And I try really hard not to hurt my boyfriends feelings when I make comments like that, but we have been together for over 3 years now, and he would get married in an instant and I wouldn't.  Here's the thing, the don't want to get stabbed... allergic to marriage...  I say that stuff all of the time, because it is how I feel.  I look and my boyfriend and I think I know he wouldn't do that to me, I think I know he will love me and my kids forever, BUT I thought that all about my husband too.  I never thought I would get so hurt.  I woke up beside this man for 13 years and in the end none of that mattered.  I thought I knew him so good, but clearly I didn't.  So perhaps your boyfriend needs time, do you really think he new his ex was going to by psycho?  Perhaps, if you really love him you will consider that his feelings about marriage and commitment (even fear of you hurting him) have really nothing to do with how he feels about you, but more about how much he trusts is own instincts.  I know that I still do not want to get married, and my boyfriend respects that, and who knows perhaps one day (when my children are all grown and move out) I will marry him, but my youngest is 5 years old so he has a lot of waiting to do, and unfortunately he did nothing to put himself in this position except love me.

I hope this helps=0)
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thank you! I appreciate that you can give me some insite on the other side. I know he doesn't try to make me feel rejected and really his intentions are to be honest with me. I know that he didn't "know" she (his ex) was going to be psycho but once she started acting like this he stuck it out for 5 more years. I know he had dedication to his sons and a lot of the reason he did stick it out for that time is because of them.. till he realized they had been through enough and him sticking it out for all those years really didn't help the boys at all. He was very hesitent to let me into the boys lives & even to this day it's at a distence.
Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this.. I know he is committed to me & I'm clearly committed to him. So why is it I'm allowing a piece of paper & some rings to determine our future? It's weird.. It's not like any of those things keep people together these days..
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am glad it was a little helpful at least, and certainly the act of marriage in no way makes couples stay together.  I know for me it was hard for me to let my boyfriend in with my kids and it took a long time, but eventually it worked itself out.  I am sure your relationship with him will work out when the time is right, you don't want to push it and have it blow up in your face.  If my boyfriend wasn't so patient with me and understanding about what I have been through, we would not be together today.  

Good luck, I hope you both get what you want out of your relationship =0)
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
469720_tn?1388149949
Blank
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm-treatable... Blank
Oct 04 by Lee Kirksey, MDBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
1268057_tn?1418174381
Blank
Londres70
France
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3149845_tn?1415046551
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
580755_tn?1357673215
Blank
Vance2335
Buffalo, NY