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Will he go out with me?
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Will he go out with me?

I am sexually attracted to my deceased husband's doctor. Dr has been answering every email I have sent him for the past 8 mos.
He NEVER gets personal, but always responds
Is he interested in me, or just being polite 8 mos later? I want him to be the first guy I ask out when I am ready to date. Why is he being so nice if he isnt interested?
26 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, he could just be acting as a caring physician.  It's hard to tell.  He may be wondering why you are still emailing him after your husband's death but think that you are still mourning and need to talk about it.

What are you emailing about?  

I guess you could ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee or something.  ???  

but I wouldn't assume that his answering emails means he's intererested romantically.  Don't get your hopes completely up due to that.  He may be but could also just be being polite.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Didnt start emailing him until a month after my husbands death. emailing about everything. He never initiates the emails just responds, but always responds.
I already told him I have a crush on him. told him if he is married or has a girlfriend that they are very lucky. Told him I would have to back off so he doesn't wind up hating me.
He responded, "thanks for the compliments, wouldnt hate you."
def not ready to date yet, but when I am i want it to be him...
I have asked him several times to meet for coffee, he has declined with being busy. I asked him if I should keep trying and if it isnt cool to tell me and he responds, "it's cool" WTF!!!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Honestly, if you've been THAT up front (which does seem a little odd since your husband is so recently passed away) and saying these things AND inviting him for coffee and he's declined--------  I'm just going to guess that he is being nice but not overly interested in more from you.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I have been an emotional wreck since my husband's death in July 2012. I have been sharing everything with "dr. boyfriend" I think the crush is about him being so nice to me and taking the time out of his busy life to pay attention to me.  My husband and I hadn't had sex in nearly six years due to his illness and I am now 46 years old. that could have something to do with it as well. I hope you don't think I am being disrespectful to my husband or his memory,but it would be nice to know that when I am ready and I have given my husband the respect he deserves that there will be someone there to hang out with. there are prob 140 emails between the dr and myself. I am thinking that nobody on earth could be that nice without being just a little interested.  I do not  have my hopes up, he could very well be married or have a girl/boyfriend for all I know.  I just feels good to have such an important man take time for me.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm just going to be honest.  It sounds ever so slightly inappropriate.  Your the wife of a patient who died.  You're also emotionally vulnerable and that is something that may come into ethics with this doctor.  

In all honesty, I'd try to find others to correspond with.  If this doctor is interested, he'll contact you.  He certainly is fully aware that YOU are interested.  So, I'd stop writing him and see what happens.  And during that time, start mingling in ways that bring into play things you like to do.  Join a gym if you like to exercise, join a book club, wine tasting group, etc.  And start out making friends with people. This gets you back into the mix of the social scene (including prepareing to date) much more so than emailing someone.

good luck
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1268057_tn?1399131913
A physician getting involved with patients or the family members of  patients would be considered unprofessional and definitely NOT advised.  

I am sure he is responding to your emails given the fact that he is empathizing with you in regards to your husband's death.  

Not to be rude, but if he took care of your dead husband and now you are emailing him and asking him to meet you for coffee or something that just seems a bit creepy/bizarre.  This situation is definitely putting him in an awkward spot.  

Chalk this up to him being polite to you.  I think you should cut your ties with "Dr BF" and seek counseling to sort through all this emotional stuff, etc. in regards to your deceased husband.  

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1268057_tn?1399131913
Agree with SM.  

If he got involved with you that would be considered very unethical.  
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Avatar_f_tn
ok
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Avatar_f_tn
Don't think I am being creepy or bizarre, just attracted to a very nice man who is being extremely kind to me.  I have been all over the ethics thing and it would not be unethical for us to date. Unconventional yes, unethical no.
Just wanted to know if anyone besides me thought he might be interested due to his continued kindness and loyalty.
Wasn't looking to be judged and completely shredded by your responses.
I already go to the gym and have a pretty healthy social life with my very good girl friends who were with me during my husband's illness and death.
They all say that it is very unusual for doc to continue to stay in contact with me this long after my husband's death that the being nice period should have been over by now.
They also say I should give it a rest and see what happens, so that is what I will do. One never knows...
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13167_tn?1327197724
Well,  I don't think anyone shredded you,  and I also think it's very common for people to fall in love with doctors.  The good ones are so caring and emotionally supportive!

I will say,  he's behaving inappropriately.  He clearly doesn't want to meet for coffee or anything else,  but I think he's very flattered by all the attention from you although he has no intention of responding.

Do you really not know whether he's married?  I would think just googling him,  there are usually profiles where they list their specialties,  education,  a photo,  and something like "he lives in ____ with his wife and 2 children".  
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Agree with RockRose and SM.  

I am not sure who or what you checked in regards to this being ok or "ethical."  I would suggest you call/write the medical board in your state and tell them about the situation and see what they tell you.  You probably won't get an answer telling you this is purely OK or this is behavior is acceptable (if he starts a relationship with you).    

"Wasn't looking to be judged and completely shredded by your responses."  No one knows you to judge you.  You have gotten responses that are looking at the situation from an angle different from yours.  

I would definitely give it rest.  No doubt about that. I will agree with your friends.  

I am a nurse and deal with physicians, so I have seen this kind of thing happen before, not often though.  There are professional boundaries that they should NEVER be crossed and this is one of them.  

I am sure he is flattered, but doubt he would ever really respond to you, i.e. meeting for coffee.  He is probably married and/or taken would be my hunch.

Like I stated, I've seen these situations before and doubt this man will act upon any of your offers.  

Kindness should be a quality of ALL physicians, that doesn't mean they want to date you or have a personal relationship with you.  I think you are confusing his kindness for something else dear.  Your husband died not to long ago and this doctor is just being kind.  

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1268057_tn?1399131913
There are professional boundaries that they should......is supposed to be
There are professional boundaries that should.........

Typos.....LOL.
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Avatar_f_tn
ok, maybe I am a little over sensitive. Sorry about the whining.
He is not married.  He allegedly has a girlfriend who is also a doctor-(can't really compete with that if it is accurate.)
Why would he tell me it is "cool" to keep asking him to meet for coffee if he has no intention of actually meeting me?
When I am more emotionally stable, this might all be funny and I'll ask myself what was I thinking.
He knows that his responses, albeit brief and impersonal, make me feel like I matter and take my mind off of how much I miss my husband.  I have told him that.  I know intellectually that he is prob just being nice and polite, but why didn't he take the "outs" that I handed to him on a platter? The first being to tell me if it is cool to keep asking him to meet, and the other telling him about my crush and I am relying on him too much and I have to back off before he starts to hate me and he says, "thanks for the compliments. I wouldn't hate you."  I think he does like the attention and is getting from this the same thing I am, as long as it is through safe, hospital email.
I will have to give it a rest though as you all can see it's getting to be a bit of an obsession.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I am guessing that you are using the email situation with the doctor and the fantasies of being with him to push away some of your grief emotions.  This can be harmless as long as you are aware.  but I encourage you to perhaps start some grief counseling with either a psychologist or a support group to explore that aspect to what is going on with you.  You mention being overly sensitive, that later you may be able to see this for what it is, and that you are becoming a bit obsessed.  All indicate that this isn't healthy.  

I'm guessing he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.  He's given you nothing personal about himself.  He is not taking it in a personal direction or reciprocating the interest.  He just answers you and is polite about it.  

I would not contact him again.  If he has interest in you, he knows how to reach you.  
good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks SM.
Stopping the emails is going to be difficult also as I have been emailing and he has been responding at leat once a week, if not every couple of days.  
I am afraid I must save myself from myself.  Wow, nothing is easy is it?
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973741_tn?1342346373
No, nothing is easy.  Think of it this way though--------  if you are always initiating, you don't know what is going on.  This puts the ball in his corner.  

consider that therapist or support group.  good luck dear
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Avatar_f_tn
Would love to know why he didn't jump on the opportunities I handed him to be rid of me... that little mystery is killing me!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, you phrased things in an awkward way.  

He may be flattered by the attention but he isn't really responding in any way that is meaningful for believing he is interested.  

good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Some Drs are just really nice people. I had the same one for 22 years and we did talk on the phone and also sent emails back and forth. It all had to do with medical stuff though. If I did need to contact him out of his office I would always apologize saying I felt bad for bothering him. He said not to worry and to call him any time I needed to. He was truly a very nice man. I think he would have flipped out if I had asked him out to coffee though.
You have gotten some great advice on this forum. I think your Dr is being nice and he said what he did because you are still grieving and he is concerned about you. Nothing more than that. Most Drs do understand that their patients spouses are grieving and need support. If I were you I would cut off the emails because you will most likely end up hurt. Thank the Dr for being there when you needed him and move on.  
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Avatar_f_tn
thnks
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480448_tn?1403547723
No doubt you've put a LOT of bait out there for the doctor.  If indeed the doctor was interested, or available, he would have reciprocated your gesture LONG before now.  He is making VERY vague comments back to you that are simply polite.  That's very very obvious.  There is nothing more to read into it than that.  

I think you are putting him in a terribly awkward position by continuing to say things that he is not biting on.  It's inappropriate to be honest.  Sounds like he is a very nice guy who just isn't comfortable not responding (which is really what he needs to do), so in that sense, continuing to say those things is kind of taking advantage of his kindness.

I too think you should try to work with a professional, exploring your feelings, your grief, etc.  And, while it may be hard, I think it's high time to stop e-mailing the doctor completely.  

So very sorry for the loss of your husband...very best to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
You are right I was thinking that continuing to use him to take my mind off of my husband is unfair, and I have been taking advantage of him knowing that he will continue to respond as long as I email him.  He is that nice.
Better to quit now and save us both a lot of trouble.
Oh well, he would have been a great catch in about 6 mos or a year...
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Avatar_f_tn
I would just like to say, that after not having sex with your husband in six years due to a horrible illness we didn't even know he had until two years ago then he dies without getting better, a woman may just want to jump on the first penis that is nice to her... just sayin'.
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973741_tn?1342346373
No one is criticizing you for developing a crush.  It happens.  But in asking advice on what to do next, it is pretty consistent to stop emailing him and see if he contacts you.  I would work really hard to fight that urge to be with the first person who is nice to you as that is a way to certainly open yourself up to getting hurt.  Lots of luck.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I couldn't agree with you more. If it walks like a duck...
If I do continue the emails I will only prolong the the eventual disappointment and I've really have had enough of that!  It's easy to know what the right thing is, the difficult part is actually doing it.
what's gonna suck about not emailing will be that I will not be able to avoid the sadness and lonliness that I have been trying to avoid,  that is momentarily subsided by the attention and sympathy I get from the doc.
I have been going to bereavement group at my church since October, and it is helpful.  At least for those couple of hours I am forced to deal with my feelings.
It is painfully obvious where my feelings are coming from and that makes me feel guilty too because they are probably just a major case of transference and that' not fair to the doc either.
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480448_tn?1403547723
It's easy to know what the right thing is, the difficult part is actually doing it.  Well said.  It's good that you at least realize that this isn't a healthy situation for anyone involved.


what's gonna suck about not emailing will be that I will not be able to avoid the sadness and lonliness that I have been trying to avoid,  that is momentarily subsided by the attention and sympathy I get from the doc.

I think you nailed it...I you have good insight into what's going on here, it's just a matter of doing what you know you need to do.


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