Wonderful guy, but I think I'm done

[jmelks8]

I'm not usually one to post on websites, but I have been in a world of confusion lately.  Over two years ago, I moved 2500 miles away to a large city for an internship after I finished grad school.  I left my entire family, whom I'm very close to and all my friends.  I can't complain much...the experience has been wonderful for me, and has really changed my life.  About a year ago, I started thinking about moving back closer to my family.  It was never my intention to stay here forever...but then I met someone.  This guy has been nothing but wonderful to me, and we love each other.  The past year with him has been great, and I can honestly say he's the first guy that I've ever "loved."  I really thought for a while this guy could be the one...we've met each other's families, and he moved in with me several months ago.  Everything has been absolutely wonderful, but there is one sticking issue I have with my boyfriend: FAMILY.  He told me early on in our relationship that he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married.  I'm 28 and he's almost 30.  We both have parents that have been very happily married for over 30 years...which makes me wonder why he views marriage so negatively.  His parents only live about 10 hours away and he NEVER visits them - even on holidays.  In fact, he hasn't driven to see them in several years, but they do drive out to see him every few months.  I'm very close to my family, and try to see them as often as I can.  Before I met him, I was going back to see my family about every 3 - 4 months.  I went back home for Christmas to see my family last week, while he sat at our apartment alone.  He also seemed upset that I went home and didn't stay with him.  He's been asking me lately if I'm going to do this every year, or if I will stay with him on holidays.  The thing is, I can't imagine not spending the holidays with my family and I know they feel the same way.  I just don't understand his reasoning, because I've met his parents and sister, and they seem like a very tight knit unit.  They celebrate Christmas as a family, but my boyfriend chooses not to participate.  He also told me he's going to ask his parents not to come visit us as often, which really breaks my heart.  I honestly don't get it, and ever since I came back from visiting my family last week, I'm really thinking about ending our relationship.  I don't want to have to justify visiting my family to him.  I've missed my family terribly the past two years, and now I'm trying to find a job closer to them.  I haven't told my boyfriend this, but I think I need to.  Please help...I feel terrible about doing this to him, but my family comes first, and I need to be happy.

[raquelplus2]

i agree with everyone as well  think bout this way if he doesnt wana get married what kind of future do have with him?? and then lets say you had kids with him  would he treat his kids like his fam too so distant an cold believe me you dont want that. id say talk to him see if hes willingto change or get help with his issues and if he doesnt then roll on to someone who is family orientated like you   good luck

[mami1323]

I wouldn't want you wasting your time on someone when the red flags are there but in all honesty everyone has their issues.  If his only issue is that he's not a family guy, could that be worked out at all?  Meaning, would he be willing to change his ways or seek counseling for his issues?  There has to be something in his past that has made him so distant and turned off from family.  Just a thought.

[jmelks8]

Hello!  Thank you so much for the advice.  I haven't ended things with him yet, and I'm trying to figure out how/when to do it.  It's hard because we live together, and it's also the holidays.  I've talked to him about some of these things in the past few days, and he knows something's up.  I think he knows it's coming...thank you for the help though...I really do appreciate it.  I'm getting lots of insight from my family too!  :)  Hopefully I will find a job there soon!!

[imanaddict]

You are a great catch and if this guy doesn't appreciate family the way you do, then I say move on as well. Can you imagine what it would be like to be married to someone who doesn't appreciate family? And what if you had children with him? You deserve more than what he is willing to give and I commend you for putting family first. Your family and friends are the ones who are there for you thick and thin and guys can come and go.

I've always told some of my friends who were in relationships that weren't good for them that just because we love someone does not mean they are right for us. I wasted 7 years on someone and learned that the hard way. Not too long after our divorce, I met the guy for me. We married after only 5 months of dating and here we are 6 years later and still madly in love. If I had continued to wait on my ex to change, I could have missed out on that. Thankfully I didn't and I'd hate for that to happen to you. Follow your heart and gut instincts. Rarely are they wrong!

[jo929]

i agree with both of the above posts if he does nor want a wife you do not need him, also family is most important and i agree that if he loves you he will understand  luck  jo

[Judy246]

I agree with you. When the world turns against you, you always have your family. Not in all cases, but I would not be able to be with someone who does not have a relationship with his family and would attempt to seperate me eventually or with time from mine. The decision is really your own and no one can tell you what you should do and I think you have a good head on your shoulders. If you feel this relationship is not going to work out, be honest and sincere and tell him that you don't feel that you are compatible with him and don't feel that you want to continue being exclusive or committed at this point in time. Unfortunately, we can't make everyone happy and breaking up is never easy, but the sooner you prolong it, the harder it will be. Think about it and do what you feel is best for you. You have your entire life ahead of you, so go enjoy life, enjoy family and the world is your oyster....good luck, Judy

[teko]

Oh my, how refreshing it is to hear from someone who looks ahead with common sense. You are right on target for seeing something now that will be a very big obstacle for you in your future if you stay. I applaud your insight, truly. If this fella truly loves you, he will want what makes you happy and will go the extra mile to make it happen for you.  When he realizes that you are not giving up your family, that you feel no need to choose, maybe he will come around, but if he doesnt, he is not your soul mate. Do not settle, cause there is some lucky guy out there that is waiting. And he is the lucky one.