Worried my boyfriend is depressed

[kllmfae]

My boyfriend is 16 and has told me before that he doesn't see any reason in living. I have been depressed before and I just assumed he was just having a very "black mood" (as my psycologist called it) and that he would get better. I talked him out of it and at the end of the night he seemed ok. He often says that I am all he has left and talks about how horrible the world is. He just seems to be getting worse and I don't know what to do... I don't undersand why he's like this, his life isn't that bad, although I do understand that depression can just happen sometimes. He has low self esteem and hates his Dad, for reasons I can understand (his Dad once told him that he saw me with another guy one day but he and I both knew that I hadn't gone anywhere that night and I have never cheated on him) and he doesn't want to turn out like him. I'm just so confused and want to get him some help but I don't think he'd like the idea at all... He doesn't like people seeing his emotions... Can anyone help me out?? I really want to help him... I love him and he's recently asked me if i even know what love is cos he doesn't, although what he feels for me is "amazing, like a warm bed at the end of a hard day". What does that even mean? I'm worried this will come between us..

[Judy246]

Hi Sweetie,

Your b/f is very depressed. He probably has problems at home, school, etc. that he is  not talking to anyone about (holding it inside) and he really needs to talk to someone about it (school counselor, this website has a forum for teen depression or maybe even you), but this is not your fault. Tell him that you are there to just support him and if ever what's to talk you are there, but he needs to take the first step to become well again.

If you feel that he is suicidal, it's important to talk to his mom immediately. Teen depression can lead to suicide if not treated properly and usually, a person who attempts suicide does not have the necessary coping skills to what in reality is a temporary situation. In other words, this too shall pass with time an patience.

Depression is very treatble, so if you feel he might harm himself, you can take action, by talking privately to him mom or someone who will listen to you. Mom can get him the helps that he needs, by taking him to a doctor who will probably prescribe antidepressants, which will bring him back balance in his life. He seems to love  you and I'm glad he has someone to support him, but to not take this on by yourself, if you seem potential harm, tell him mom or parents immedately and tell them confidentially.

Good luck

[kllmfae]

If I told his mother he would probably get very upset at me, and his Dad's an ******* who I think is his major problem. I find it difficult though whenever he's down because he takes it out on me and as much as I know it's not entirely his fault I can't help but bite back sometimes. I was suicidal once but it went away (it was due to an abusive step dad but my mother and I have moved out and I've been fine since then except for times when a number of things go wrong at once and I just break down). I understand its hard for him, but because we live ina small and relatively remote small town theres not much support here or privacy here for people with problems.

[Judy246]

But there doctor's who can help him. I'm not big on always having to run to the doctor for medication, BUT if he is in a depressed state and when people are in this state suicide crosses there mind. If he doesn't want to talk to his family, at least encourage him to go to the doctor, who will talk with him and prescribe proper, supervised medication. If you see he is definately suicidal, your just  going to have to put your worries and concerns about what people think and get him the proper help that he needs or live the rest of your life thinking "what if" I would have handled this differently, but remember that his behavior is not your fault. It sounds like he has emotional problems, because of his dad.

[Judy246]

I don't know your age, but Medhelp.org has a form for depression or have him write to us so that he can at least talk about what he is feeling or going through. Sometimes it does help to just talk to someone who is unknown (outsiders).

[jo929]

He truly needs help have him go to the school counseler, if he does not want to help himself, i can not see you helping him, as you are to young to know what really bothers him, you can be there for him, but if he refuses to get help there is nothing you can do   luck  jo

[kllmfae]

I find it very rude that you say "i can not see you helping him, as you are to young to know what really bothers him".
You do not know my situation in life, how mature I am or anything about me so I believe that you have no right to say this.
I have had a few people say this and it annoys me a lot. They have no idea what I am like and for all they know I could be more mature than them or have more life experience in some situations.
You should watch who you say this too because it can upest some people a lot and if they are depressed you do not know the affect this may have.

[kllmfae]

He is very on off. At the moment he is fine - doesn't say anything at all that makes him sound depressed. He just sometimes gets into moods like that. So i get confused and don't know whether to just leave him or what...

[Judy246]

Do not misinterpret Jo intention. She meant no harm! She is the mother of 3 daughters and meant that he should get professional help. This might be beyond what any non professional can do besides listen.

[jo929]

My post was not meant to be rude, what i meant is that he really needs to see someone who deals with these issues on a daily basis, you can help my being a friend, and being there for him, but he has to want help before someone can help him. may i suggest that he talk to someone at school that deals with problems like his, and i have worked with people that have problems like this for over 30 years, and it does worry me when suicide is mentioned, it should not be taken lightly, i have seen many cases where one has taken their life, and it is so sad, and he is so young that i just want him to find the help he needs , before his depression gets worse,because as he gets older, so will his depression unless he find professional help, I am sorry that i used the phrase you are to young to help, but remember what depression can do, so do not take it lightly i used to ans phone for hot line also, and he could call them, they are qualified to give advice you sound like a very caring and sensible young lady, and i do apoligise if it hurt your feeling  lots of luck  jo

[Judy246]

I applaud Jo's response, with dignity, care and apologized for any misunderstanding. I

[teko]

You cannot help him. Sorry, I no you do not want to hear it, but it is the truth. Not only that, but after awhile it will start affecting you as well. You bf has issues, beit from a lousy childhood or self esteem issues or even a combination of things. Someone who is depressed tend to dwell on the negativity of their circumstance and by doing so will sink deeper and deeper. The only thing you can do is to encourage him to seek help. Otherwise after a while you will find it hard to be around the constant negativity. He may need meds to balance him out or even some counseling sessions. By feeling sorry for him you only enable him to continue the downward spiral. He needs professional help. Spoken from someone who has lived there for many many moons.

[dparadiso09]

i agree with teko. he needs help because there is only so much you can do. how long jhave you guys been together?

[kllmfae]

I am sorry i went off at you, it is just that i have been through a lot in my life and when people say that i am young it offends me because no one really knows what i have been through and how mature (at least i think - compared to other ppl my age) i am. Thankyou and once again i am very sorry

[kllmfae]

We have been together for 14 months

[kllmfae]

I wrote this entry on a day when i felt he was bad...
but now he has been fine for a while, well ever since i wrote this, and when i really think about it it doesnt last very long when hes depressed and i have spoken to him about it and he doesnt think he is depressed. These things have been spread over a maybe 4-6 month period of time, is there any chance maybe he's not depressed?
We also considered the idea he may be bipolar.

[Judy246]

Depression is a brain chemical imbalance. It's a treatable illness. He can have good days and then be depressed the next day. We all get depressed, but it doesn't mean that he has to live
with depression. There is medication that can balance his brain imbalance and he can can live life as if nothing hapenned, but, it's beyond what you can help him with besides simply listening or tell him that a regular physician can he. Really, it only takes a doctors visit. Good luck.

[kllmfae]

He doesn't want to take any drugs because he doesn't want them to change who he is because he says he likes who he is and doesn't want to be influence by drugs.

[Rosa20]

i dont think everyone is really saying you cant help him! You already are helping him just by being there!! So good for you...the thing i think everyone is trying to say is he has to want to help himself first before you can really help him!! But maby if you just keep being there he will come around..it will be hard but your relationship can only become stronger through all this!! I kno i havw been depressed before and had my life all screwed up because of it..i had people in my life who cared enough about me to just be there until i relized myself that i needed help! Much like you are being there for your b/f!! I know its hard but if you believe that in time you can get through to him then i dont see any reason in stopping what you are doing!! :) Also if you need to talk let me know im a great listener!!

[megochick101]

I agree with Rosa, you being there supporting him  will be a tremendous help in the long run. I dealt with depression when I was in high school and having my friends and bf there was a big help. Just continue what your doing, support him and let him know how much you care about him. Little things can make a big difference, plan a special day together to do all his favorite things, make a special meal, get him a funny card whatever, anything that will brighten his day.

I just have to comment also about taking drugs for depression, I've known people who have taken drugs for it and it's helped them wonderfully, but for me it made my depression worse and made me pretty much crazy. I was only on them for 2 1/2 months and they just completely messed me up, my mom made the comment(later on in life) that i acted like i was bipolar on them. I mean COMPLETE mood changes in seconds. i'd go from extremely happy to very angry, to extremely sad at the littlest thing. One time we went out to eat(with my mom/sis/stepdad and i was 15 at the time) and i ordered a side salad with my meal and asked for no tomatoes and then i found one little tiny one in it and I FLIPPED OUT! My mom had to force me into the bathroom because I was so angry and making such a scene. It was like I couldn't control my emotions which scared all of us. After that my mom took me off of the drugs and had a very good talk with my doctor about what happened. I still suffered from depression after the drug but after not dealing with those mood swings I was A LOT better. Anyway long story lol, but make sure if he does get a drug or anything to help him cope he knows exactly what he's getting in to. And of course not all cases will be like mine like i said previously, but i was crazy for a time lol

[megochick101]

Oh and just to add, what rosa said about him wanting to help himself first before it'll have any effect. Completely true.My mom knew i was depressed in high school long before i had to basically force myself to admit it. And nothing anyone really tired to do helped me until i admitted to myself and accepted the fact that i was depressed and needed help.