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Avatar universal

Worried that my husband is still in love with his ex girlfriend

I think my husband of 2 months, is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.  They have a child together that is 10 months old.  The child lives with the ex full time, and my husband only gets to see her every other Saturday.  He hasn't pushed her for more time with the child, hasn't gotten any solo visitation at all.  He tells me that he is working on her in little steps, that he doesn't want to **** her off.  He doesn't want to risk not being able to see the child at all, so he keeps the peace.  But in doing this, he allows the ex to call all the shots regarding the baby, when he can see the baby, etc.  Also, when he does go down there to see the baby, he will take the ex shopping, to the bank, out to lunch, wherever she needs to go.  They go and see friends that they have together and meets them at places or visits them in their home.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling.  I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child.  But his actions tell me otherwise.  He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe.  He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise.  I don't know what to do.
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3147776 tn?1549545810
Hi - you're responding to a comment made 6 years ago.  The members from this thread are likely long gone, or at least have resolved their issues by now.  There are plenty of active threads in this and other forums, and it'd be great if you would choose those to add your feedback to instead.
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Avatar universal
Ok. I have to say. No he should not be putting this other woman first. However sometimes a baby's mom can really put the man in a situation to were he really thanks that he has no other choice but to follow what she wants him to do. After all she has full rights to the baby not him, and he may truly see this to be the only way to see his baby. It does not mean he is still in love with this woman. After all he did marry you. I know were you are coming from. I am marred to a man how has two little boys bye a other woman, and they were never married. She would call wanting him to stop everything he was doing and come to were she was and would even send him pic. of her.  Anyways to make a long story short. I had to get on the phone and just tell her right from the get go what I would and would not put with from her as his baby mom. I have to say that it work. she not longer calls wanting him to drop everything to come to her and the pic have stop to. See if you keep on letting his baby mom run him like this and call all the movies she is going to do it the hole time you are together with your husband. Tell your husband you want to talk to his baby mom and see if you can get any were with her. See it is easy for a woman to tell a man what to do but it is not for easy for a woman to tell a other woman what to do because she does not have anything to hung over your head. Stand by your husband and let him know that you will stand beside him throw this and let him know that you are welling to do what ever it takes to get him to were he see his baby without her running everything.
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Avatar universal
That's okay specialmom. I believe other people will find this forum useful. Many people use search engines when they're down in the dumps :) If one person doesn't read it, others will. That's how the internet works.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is from 2007.  
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Avatar universal
(sigh) Ok you're not going to like the truth.

To be honest Julianne, I don't know why the heavens you married this man, knowing he deliberately jumped into the relationship in an attempt to forget his previous one. Even if you had a shadow of a doubt, why would you go ahead with marriage? marriage involves taking responsibility for your own actions, and being mutually, maturely respectful. For life.

Now you're stuck with him because marriage is a promise you took for life. Remember your vows?

You know what i say; Tough ******* sweetie. You really should have taken your marriage more seriously. So don't listen to people on this forum who recommend you get a divorce. That's a bad example to your future baby.

Too many young people rush into marriage, before having given the relationship time to mature. I'm only 27 and i respect that much. But i'm currently in a relationship with a man whom I treasure dearly and wish to marry one day. Because he is respectful, reliable, generous, loving, hard-working, successful and he wasn't a 'player' and never got anyone pregnant. He wants me and me only and has already shown signs of a loing-lasting future relationship to come, after only 2 years. that's right. 2 years. Not 7 months. That's something you should have settled for in the beginning.

If you had initially demanded enough respect for yourself (and your future child), you wouldn't have ended up in the mess you're currently in.

Stay with him. You made your own bed, take responsibility and lie in it.

Honestly, you should have thought about all these things before taking the plunge and tying the knot. After just 7 months? How does one even begin to know someone after 7 months when a person's true colours only just begin to emerge after 1 year and a half at least!

For the baby's sake, i do hope it works out. Too many unfortunate one-parent families not coping and living below the breadline.
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177641 tn?1189755837
Hey Jullianne, I'm really happy to hear how you've taken charge of the situation, and it seems to have paid off! Mistakes (if you have made some) don't have to STAY mistakes :)

So much debate... (couldn't resist jumping on the band wagon)...

This forum is for EVERYONE to contribute so long as it isn't harmful or disrespectful (right?). It is up to the poster what they want to listen to, and if they like a particular reply, they can ask that specific person for more advice. Comments posted favouring one position over another aren't de-constructive. Good advice comes with bad, and bad advice can turn into good advice when the timing is changes.

The motley of ideas expressed on these forums is fantastic - let's not lose that. I might not agree with what particular people say all the time, but I find their input has much more value than if it wasn't present at all. If I can self-righteously give advice to this community of forum-contributors, it would be this:
       But don't fight back with criticism. React with insightful and supportive thoughts of your own. If you're confident that your advice is good and helpful, it will catch on and you needn't worry about advice you consider particularly unhelpful or even harmful.

Sorry for distracting from your post Jullianne. But thanks for keeping us posted. Your topic has certainly raised a lot of interesting points.
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Avatar universal
Hi again.  I want to thank you all once more for all your words and advisement.  My husband and I have gone thru a lot over the past few days, but I do believe that we have gotten everything out in the open, and are on the same page going forward, together.  We both understand each other and feelings, anger, resentment, disappointment, secrets, lies, etc., and we are going to be OK.  We have reached new levels, and most important, we will work thru all this together.  And we truly do love each other, and time will heal all wounds.
Thanks again, one and all.
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Avatar universal

Great news ! I'm sure you feel a lot better now that everything is out in the open and has been addressed.

I hope you guys have a great weekend.
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Avatar universal
Here is my take on it--he still loves his ex. He is not with her, though, because there is something there between them that he already recognizes didn't work. He loves you too because he married you. He has a responsibility to both relationships now- not to the other woman but to their child together (he financially and emotionally must support this child and help facilitate the best upbringing for the child as possible) and he has committed to you too--he must provide for you and love you and look out for you too. I think that he may have to work out some sort of visitation or custody schedule that includes having the child over to your place or that at least involves him being alone with the child in a public place (i.e. a park) without her around. It is an uncomfortable situation, but since you knew going into it that there would be challenges, this is one that you must face--but together. If he is brushing things off, then he is not balancing out his responsibilities and that is unfair to you. He needs to also understand that him being with his ex, even if he says it is for his child, makes you feel threatened. It does not matter if he is not doing anything wrong--if you feel it, he must work with you to find a plan for this that makes you feel more at ease. In the end, he must help to raise his child and he will be a part of the child's life always and in some ways, that will involve staying in contact with his ex. Get some boundaries established and then you will feel at peace.
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Avatar universal

I agree with mami. I was going to ask about the baby and mention that it sounds like your husband could be terrified of losing any rights to his child and giving into his ex because of this. Or is he doing it because he still has feelings for her ? And is it okay with you that he is taking his ex shopping and out to lunch when he sees her ?

As far as finding the note and reading the baby's journal... I think you need to tell him and just lay it on the line. If you don't, you may tell him when you are angry at him and that would make things worse. You are his wife and this man has given you some reasons not to trust him completely and you have every right to know what is going on.
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Avatar universal
i think its time you suggest (as a very supporting wife) that the visitation, and all be made legal. im sure she tells him if he doesnt do what she says he cant see the baby, and might very well believe her. she holds no control if done through the courts. they will set up visitation, child support, who pays for what ect. i think it will be the best so that way she cant use it against him if that is what she is doing. now if she has something on him, she would have to be able to prove it. if he did drugs at one point, well they could follicle test him. it goes back i think 7 months to a year. but if he is clean now he has nothing to worry about. that is IF that were a concern. if he only sees the baby on occation then what difference does it make? i mean what if the courts said you can see the baby once a month? or you have to have supervised visitation (ok im being way on the edge but to prove a point) he is anyway. i hope im making sense. there is no judge that will tell him he cant be a part of his childs life unless he is doing things that could cause harm. you have children from a previous marriage (as do i ) so you should see what im talking about. i dont want to be this way but should he say he doesnt want to go through the courts, and he has nothing to hide, then maybe he likes things the way they are. seriously id be worried. if my husband of only a few months was off with the other gal. he sounds sneaky. be careful.
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Avatar universal
one thing im confused on is why is he nervous about visitation? dont they have a court order? why doesnt he get the baby on some weekends? why only is visitation with the baby and her? does she have some dirt on him? did he use drugs? has he been arrested? just because he is the father doesnt mean he is entitled to less rights or visitation if the answers are no. im sorry but id be unwilling to allow him to do what he needs to for the baby and the mother attached. no. he needs to be a father to this child and love it and care for it. but he needs to make you a priority as well. if he loves this baby why doesnt he take her to court for more visitation or partial custody?
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Avatar universal
My husband and I talked and this time he actually said that he loves only me, he doesn't love her.  He wants a life and future with me, and that we need to focus on our marriage.  He said that whatever he does during his visitations is for the baby onlyand the ex is attached to the baby.  I asked him that when things come up that he is at least open to discussing what bothers me and at least meet me halfway and compromise on a solution.  This affects me and I should be allowed to be a part of the decisions regarding it, and not to just sit back and have to accept what he decides to do.  He didn't seem to want to bend here, and that he wants to stick to the fact that he will handle things his way, and if I have a problem with something she has done, then I need to pick up the phone and talk to her about it.  That totally bothers me, because why would he not be willing to compromise with me and risk my being angry and picking up the phone and calling her, with the chance of messing things up with his visitation.  Then he throws in my face that I better make sure to not **** her off and mess up his visitations.  Why would he be so unwilling or scared to talk to her himself at the risk of my messing things up for him?  Why should I talk to her? It is clearly written in his journal that he loves her.  My big dilemma now is that I haven't had the courage to tell him that I read this in his journal, or that I have seen the love note in the safe, or that I have seen phone calls with her on the phone bill.  I don't want him to try to worm his way out of anything by turning this all on me and throw in my face that I was snooping and invading his privacy.
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Avatar universal
Since he was never married to her, he feels that she is allowed to call all the shots because they only have mediation paperwork where they agreed to every other Sat visitation.  At the time of this, he lived 80 miles away from her, so that is what he agreed to.  But they apparently had a verbal agreement that once he was closer to the baby, he could see the baby more often.  This has only happened a few times though.  This is why sometimes I feel I was convenient to him because I lived only 20 miles away from the baby.  But she does tell him that he can go and see the baby as much as he wants, but he doesn't do it, perhaps because right now he is only home on the weekends, or because he doesnt want to have to run her around, who knows.  Sometimes I wonder if she has something on him and that is why he won't stand up to him, but why wouldn't he care if I called her or not.  I just feel that there are things that I don't fully know about, that he has all these secrets.  He won't take her to court because he feels he would have to get an expensive lawyer, and doesn't want to put the money out for one, so he wants to work on her slowly, to keep the peace and not cause any arguments.  So basically he gets what she allows him to have right now.
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Avatar universal

I meant --- just a thought. I've been doing this all week --- not feeling too good here. = (

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13167 tn?1327194124
Platelet - I know I do sound very judgemental on this forum,  and it's because I really care about kids and I'm kind of sick up to here with kids who don't have both parents with them.

I know sometimes that's unavoidable - things happen.  But we as a society have sort of decided that it's not that important that kids have parents,  and in this thread it seems obvious that most think the brand new marriage commitment is much more important than the commitment a father has to his baby.

We're all supposed to judge - how else would we have a society,  and have rules that people have to follow?  Of course we judge.

I'm sorry if my judgement seems harsh,  and when I post and disclose things that I'm doing in my family,  if someone honestly thinks I'm doing something harmful,  and making a mistake,  I truly hope they speak up.

Best wishes.
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Avatar universal

Good luck ! I do hope that your husband is able to stick by his decision and that you get the closure that you seek. Just a though.... if you husband sticks around, it may be a good idea to set up boundaries when it comes to his ex. He should decide whether or not it is acceptable for him to be used by her.

If you can, please let us know what happens. We do care.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Maybe we should just agree to disagree.   ;D

In my opinion,  it's especially wrong to water down your opinions because you think people will be unwilling to try to reach high standards.  

So there you have it.  Peace.
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Avatar universal
I do want to thank all of you so much for all your thoughts and good points.  It has helped me see a lot of different sides.  But I think the main side is that I am being totally taken for granted by his expecting me to just sit back and allow him to do all that he is doing.  He should be able to put full closure on these feelings he has for his ex girlfriend, and if he can't, then he needs to be with her and not with me.  And if he really and truly wants to be with me, then he needs to change his ways and prove to me that he really wants me.  
All of your kind or harsh words have really hit me in a good way and is now going to give me to courage to really do something about all of this, as I know I can't let it keep going on this way and letting him continue to do what he is doing.  He needs to shape up or he needs to ship out.  And I now have the courage to tell him just that.  I have been afraid to force him to tell me the truth, but now I know that I have to really know the truth, and I'm not afraid of the end result, which could be that it might dissolve my marriage.  But I know I can't keep going on the way I have been.  
Thanks so much to all of you.
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Avatar universal
i feel bad for this poor gal. how long did you know him before you married him? if he has a 2 month old baby it couldnt have been very long. and you knew that a baby was on the way right? did he seem totally in love with you  and was there contact with the ex? look i will be straight with you. you have been married for 2 months. the age of the baby. so in the least im guessing you knew each other and got married all within the minimun of 9 months. that is oftly quick. i was a divorced mom with a child, i understand not wanting to hurt them by leaving. but to fall that quickly and knowing he had a baby on the way, you really put yourself in a pickle. i dont care if my dh had a child by another, he better not spend the day with the mom taking her shopping or having lunch as a family with old friends. you are being totally disrespected. i know you love him, but it sounds like his head is for his other family. i would probably tell him to go be with his other famiily and file. better to get out early on than to wait 3 years when everyone is really going to get hurt.
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Avatar universal

IMO.... it doesn't matter how long they've been married.... they both took their vows. And this decision he will make will affect his happiness, which in turn will have an effect on his baby. Obviously I'm not saying that he should take away time from his baby --- only put in the extra time it takes to seek counseling --- if he and the poster wants to save their marriage.
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Avatar universal

I always believe in giving honest answers. To be dishonest, is certainly not going to help any person who needs advice.

I admire the fact that you give your honest opinions, but telling the poster that her marriage was a "mistake" is a judgment. The fact is this poster's husband loves her and she loves him. The fact is, you & I don't know these people, their history and we could not even possibly make a judgment --- even if we wanted to. Only the poster can decide this for herself and to be honest with you, she married this man after he had told her that he had no feelings for his ex.

IMO... it is especially wrong to give advice based on our own fears or beliefs about how society should be.

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13167 tn?1327194124
I totally disagree that his priority should be on his 2 month marriage.

His first priority (and actually,  only priority) should be on his baby.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Julianne - I'm sorry you're in such a difficult spot.  I really think the best lesson you could teach your pre-teen daughters at this time is that you don't marry a man who has a teeny baby by someone else.   That's a mistake.  Even if he didn't want his ex-girlfriend and baby,  that's a mistake too.  You don't want to marry a man who's still in a deep depression because his girlfriend and baby aren't with him,  nor do you want a man who will walk away from them without hurting.   You don't want a man who has a baby by someone else.  

When I first read your post,  I thought you were maybe 18 years old.  You're too old to have made this fundamental mistake,  and I wish you well in correcting it before your girls get even more hurt.

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