Aa
am I crazy or dramatic?
Just saw that my boyfriend was joking with his friend about "bagging a clients wife" (they are landscapers). I told him he is a pig and he through me the keys and told me to leave so I left. He says it's a joke between friends and I'm dramatic. I don't joke about bagging our bodybuilder neighbor or a client of mine... or hell anyone for that matter. I am 17 weeks pregnant with our second child, I am 26 years old and know there are plenty of other fish in the sea even with me having two kids, I think every woman should feel like the man they are with is lucky to have them and vice versa... I don't feel that way and I don't feel like I should be made to feel so undesirable or that a clients older wife is more so. I think these are reasonable boundaries, pregnant or not. Do you think that so crazy? Or that I am more upset than I should be?
Sounds like you overheard the convo and it wasn't meant for your ears to hear, but nevertheless you did overhear it.
There wasn't anything else said on your behalf besides you calling him a "pig?" Sounds like a piece of the convo is missing. It goes from you calling him a pig to him throwing keys at you.
This is "man talk" and I wouldn't take it so seriously. I think most men fantasize about these things. So long as he isn't putting this into acting=no worries.
This is all blown out of proportion. Is there anything else going on between you two? Other problems?
There wasn't anything else said on your behalf besides you calling him a "pig?" Sounds like a piece of the convo is missing. It goes from you calling him a pig to him throwing keys at you.
This is "man talk" and I wouldn't take it so seriously. I think most men fantasize about these things. So long as he isn't putting this into acting=no worries.
This is all blown out of proportion. Is there anything else going on between you two? Other problems?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yep, it's your situation to handle as it feels right for you. I'm a pick your kind of battle person. And would this be something I'd have a big fight about? No. But that is just me. I would maybe say that I heard you talking to your buddy about banging the client. Hurt my feelings and kind of gross. thanks a lot honey! And then I'd move on. But that is just how I'd handle it. You really have to do what feels best for you.
I do know though that men talk in a way that is very different when with their buddies than with their significant others. And it is often totally innocent. And to be truthful, it's more of a young man's thing. Kind of immaturity that they tend to grow out of.
Not all men grow out of it though and they just get off on this kind of talk and think it is funny and entertaining and manly.
But this is different than the scoundrel that really wants to cheat.
But either way, these are all just opinions since you asked for them only meant to tell you how other women see this. good luck
I do know though that men talk in a way that is very different when with their buddies than with their significant others. And it is often totally innocent. And to be truthful, it's more of a young man's thing. Kind of immaturity that they tend to grow out of.
Not all men grow out of it though and they just get off on this kind of talk and think it is funny and entertaining and manly.
But this is different than the scoundrel that really wants to cheat.
But either way, these are all just opinions since you asked for them only meant to tell you how other women see this. good luck
I'm sorry but I'd be pissed off even if it was a joke because we don't joke like that but then again it's not a big deal just talk to him and get over it
So going forward, take some time to talk about what your ideals in a man are and be open to him opening up to you about what he finds are his ideals in a woman, and work it out from there. You can make a decision about whether you are compatible to any degree that you want to be.
I think we all need equanimity, and that in itself will de esculate a situation. It's hard sometime to do when our feelings are so hurt. So when it happens, it might help to have a safe word, that will stop you and allow you to think out a situation before making it worse. That word for me is equanimity, and when i hear that word go off in my head, i think of all the readings that i've done. and it helps me to stop and think. I too think that these forums serve to give us more than one perspective and although it might not be what we want to hear, it might be what we need to hear and in that thing that we don't want to hear something might resonate with us that is even more soundly and more useful that what we already know and wanted to hear..
God bless you moving forward. Be healthy.
I think we all need equanimity, and that in itself will de esculate a situation. It's hard sometime to do when our feelings are so hurt. So when it happens, it might help to have a safe word, that will stop you and allow you to think out a situation before making it worse. That word for me is equanimity, and when i hear that word go off in my head, i think of all the readings that i've done. and it helps me to stop and think. I too think that these forums serve to give us more than one perspective and although it might not be what we want to hear, it might be what we need to hear and in that thing that we don't want to hear something might resonate with us that is even more soundly and more useful that what we already know and wanted to hear..
God bless you moving forward. Be healthy.
My point was that people will react to however you react. Because you can't control other peoples reactions to you, but you can surely influence how they will react by your next move in the situation. So if you would've just said he was being lame and walked away, he would not have further reacted by throwing the keys at you. But you said that you called him a pig (your reaction) which resulted in the escalation of the situation and him throwing the keys at you (his reaction). I'm not saying it was the right way for him to react, I fully agree with you that it was totally wrong of him. But my point is that, had you handled it differently, as in not inflaming the situation with your words, it would have resulted in a different outcome. You have to learn to react to people in a way that will not further escalate the situation but rather to come out of it with you having the upper hand. Because in the end, when it comes to dealing with immature boys in relationships, it's really not that hard to come out of a disagreement having the upper hand when you handle it the right way.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I don't think anyone should throw something at someone. Not at all. I may have missed that. Mostly you wrote about his joking around with a friend and that was what I responded to personally. I do think guys talk. And say really dumb, sexual stuff sometimes. I certainly don't want to hear it! But know that a lot of guys talk that way to each other and it is basically harmless. If you think he'd ever really act on it, that is a different matter. But most guys I know that talk like that are just talking.
And one thing that is kind of strange is all the people that guys find attractive and scenarios. Like an older woman that is a client. For some men, that has a 'fantasy' ring to it and they might talk about it. But that really does not mean they would do it.
This is really your guy and your situation. You had just asked for thoughts on it. They don't always agree with what you were thinking but that is the beauty of hearing other's opinions, right? It's just food for thought from a bunch of strangers on the internet. We only know what you write and respond to try to help you. My thought was that I probably wouldn't argue about something my husband said in jest to a buddy unless it really threatened my relationship or something. That's all I was getting at.
I wish you all the best.
And one thing that is kind of strange is all the people that guys find attractive and scenarios. Like an older woman that is a client. For some men, that has a 'fantasy' ring to it and they might talk about it. But that really does not mean they would do it.
This is really your guy and your situation. You had just asked for thoughts on it. They don't always agree with what you were thinking but that is the beauty of hearing other's opinions, right? It's just food for thought from a bunch of strangers on the internet. We only know what you write and respond to try to help you. My thought was that I probably wouldn't argue about something my husband said in jest to a buddy unless it really threatened my relationship or something. That's all I was getting at.
I wish you all the best.
Thankyou all very much for the perspectives. I really appreciate the first few. All of my friends have always put up with cheating, hitting, and partaken in it just as much or even more. It hasn't skewed my views but i think it's still healthy to question yourself and your values, and never stop learning. Every woman I know who thinks it's funny or cute when thier significant others "joke" like that, are the ones who are getting cheated on, never know it, and refuse to hear it. Take responsibility for getting keys thrown at me? Ha! Have fun being abused, been there, done that, moved past excusing such behaviors, and dumped the a**hole ten years ago and it never happened again. I didn't raise my voice, didn't lecture, or rant.. I asked what it means to "bag" someone and got silently upset. Yes, we joke about side pieces for the sake of satire, yes, I can say "oh wow did you see that girl" because it's even hard for women not to look when other womens bubs are pushed up to thier neck and areola is showing. I agree very much so with nighthawk61, I think people will live up to your expectations of them. I have seen it first hand. Yes, locker room talk about unrealistic things like celebritys, and I'll locker room talk about vampire Eric from true blood. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that you not "locker room" tall about an older woman and a clients wife, as this is a realistic scenario.
I think there are some men that have only 4 topics of conversation. My husband's friend is a total sexist and if he could get my husband involved he would. He tries. (Thankfully my husband turns red and turns away. I picked him in good part to this very quality.) It is SO nice to have the man stand up for you and protect you from "locker room talk" and I think your goal should be to get him to understand that the latter is your expectation. He may have been raised a sexist and he may not know any better. What do you think his mother would think about how he spoke in front of you? or how he threw the keys at you and told you to leave? If you think that his mother would be appalled, I say to you GET CLOSER to her. If he respects his mother's opinion of him, he will think twice before letting this types of thing happen again.
If, however, he was raised in a sexist environment, you are on your own, and will need to teach him how to treat women. And, you have started this journey by letting him know that this type of conversation should not be discussed in front of a women. You'll need to teach him how to respect you the way you need to be honored. It will be good practice for motherhood, to learn how to always be handle yourself with Equanimity. Wikipedia's definition is ...
Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.
This will be your greatest asset as a mother, and as a wife. If you look on their website, it lists ways that you can focus on this trait of all traits.
If, however, he was raised in a sexist environment, you are on your own, and will need to teach him how to treat women. And, you have started this journey by letting him know that this type of conversation should not be discussed in front of a women. You'll need to teach him how to respect you the way you need to be honored. It will be good practice for motherhood, to learn how to always be handle yourself with Equanimity. Wikipedia's definition is ...
Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.
This will be your greatest asset as a mother, and as a wife. If you look on their website, it lists ways that you can focus on this trait of all traits.
Boys always say stuff like that to each other. They only have like 4 topics of conversation whenever they are together: sex, their penis, sports, and cars. That's about it. So I think you overreacted a lot and should have just told him he was a dork and moved on with your day instead of flying off the handle. And you need to take some responsibility for him throwing the keys at you because he only did that in reaction to how you reacted to his silly comment to his friend. If you wouldn't have flipped out about it, he wouldn't have gotten so defensive about it and thrown the keys at you. I think you need to admit to yourself that your hormones are causing you to overreact to situations that aren't that big of a deal and you need to keep your temper in check in the future.
He shouldn't have thrown the keys... so mean.. I hate guys sometimes.... only sometimes tho ;-)
Yep agree. Keys uncalled for, the talk is crude.
Did you just happen to overhear or were you part of the conversation?
If he didn't realize you could hear, it was probably just guys talk. If he said it in front of you, then perhaps just rude.
My hubby has a friend (married) that interprets every interaction as if every woman wants him. It's so funny, cause...well, it is just so funny. When they hang out, the talk gets going. I'm not there but my hubby tells me, and I just laugh and tell him they're idiots.
Now, I think it really crosses the line if it's someone you know and interact with on a personal level. It's just creepy.
If it bothers you, tell him so and ask that he doesn't do it in front of you. If he does, have no reaction. Just remove yourself.
But outside of your company, you can't really control what people talk about. And men do talk about things women don't normally. Probably just harmless banter.
And don't beat yourself up, you're entitled to your feelings.
Did you just happen to overhear or were you part of the conversation?
If he didn't realize you could hear, it was probably just guys talk. If he said it in front of you, then perhaps just rude.
My hubby has a friend (married) that interprets every interaction as if every woman wants him. It's so funny, cause...well, it is just so funny. When they hang out, the talk gets going. I'm not there but my hubby tells me, and I just laugh and tell him they're idiots.
Now, I think it really crosses the line if it's someone you know and interact with on a personal level. It's just creepy.
If it bothers you, tell him so and ask that he doesn't do it in front of you. If he does, have no reaction. Just remove yourself.
But outside of your company, you can't really control what people talk about. And men do talk about things women don't normally. Probably just harmless banter.
And don't beat yourself up, you're entitled to your feelings.
I agree with SpecialMom regarding "stuff" between them, and harmless"
It's called 'locker room talk', like when they 'brag' about the first car they ever owned and the first girl they ever 'had' - a section of the male brain is forever 17. Maybe not ALL men, but many, many of them.
But You are right: He wouldn't want to overhear talk like that from You about the BodyBuilder Neighbor - double standards often still exist.
It's called 'locker room talk', like when they 'brag' about the first car they ever owned and the first girl they ever 'had' - a section of the male brain is forever 17. Maybe not ALL men, but many, many of them.
But You are right: He wouldn't want to overhear talk like that from You about the BodyBuilder Neighbor - double standards often still exist.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you are being overly sensitive. Guys talk about 'stuff' that is really inappropriate between them but quite harmless.
Keep it in perspective and don't make a big deal out of it. Crazy no. Dramatic yes.
good luck
Keep it in perspective and don't make a big deal out of it. Crazy no. Dramatic yes.
good luck
My boyfriend and I joke around like this all the time. He just went away for work for 3 days and we joked about him taking his other gf for a romantic getaway. I think tossing the keys at you was uncalled for but at the same time, our hormones are making us ovet react a lot. I would cut the guy some slack and just talk to him about how it made you feel. Even tho my bf and I both make the joke it will bother me some days and others not at all. I dont think this is worth throwing away a relationship. Best of luck!!
Well it was a joke. I know guys talk like that but actually hearing him say it is another thing. And he should have comfort you instead of throwing you out.
Tossing the keys? He went too damn far.. I'd give him three strikes.. and toss his ***
Most guys joke like that with their friends. The fact that he tossed you the keys was messed up, but I wouldn't have been too mad about the joke. Lots of girls will say "a real guy would never say that, even joking" but the truth is that they do, they just hide it. It also doesn't mean you are undesirable at all. Most of the time they joke about it, boosting their own confidence in thinking that they look good enough to get said woman, or that said woman is so easy that they could get with her. My hubby and I are very honest and he's even said to me before "oh I could totally bag that girl" referring to someone on the train or whatever but I know its just talk. Plus he tells me all about all the guys at work who say the same things... So not exaggerating when I say lots of men say things like that.
Yea I agree he is a pig and told.you to leave. He was very quick to write you off Maybe he is hiding something or feels guilty. I'd say ignore him and blow him off for a few days see how he feels and reacts. Then go.from there. He obviously doesnt respect you and thats no way normal friend jokes.
He tossed ypu the keys and said go...doesn't seem like he cares much...i say pack up your bags and go. What an douche, i wouldn't let someone disrespect me like that. And i definitely wouldn't let my husband joke around like that either.
I, would be upset too... no man should be joking like that especially having a wife/girlfriend pregnant or not... women should be treated better than that ... my bf always puts me and our little unborn daughter first... your man should always out you and your baby first before anything
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