am i a cheater?

[neovo]

I really need some answers because i'm really confused in my actions and even questioning if my moral values are right or not ..... I've been dating my boyfriends for almost three years now. from the beginning he had problems with my best friends which i've known years before him , even from elementary school. before we started dating they already had some conflicts between each other however i've told him he knew form the beginning i was friends with them so he should have accepted them when he asked me to be his girlfriend and the fact that even though my friends didn't get along with him they still accepted that i'm in a relationship with him because they kwno that i like him and he's my boyfriend..... my boyfriend had, had constant conflicts with my friends especially with my "guy friends " and family members for most of our relationship and it's stressing me out. when say i used the word "guy" friends they are really jstu my friends which i've know since grade 8 and i'm now 21 , i don't have alot of friends but i do liek to keep my close friends cuz i really between friends are alwyas goign to be there for you thick or thin.... when we argued in the past i made a promise to him that i picked him over my frds and that i wont' have any guy friends and i won't be friends with ppl he doens't like which includes guys and girls. i really did mean it during the time... but over the time i didn't realize it was so hard to cut off frds who were close to you ... cut off part of your social network...so behind his back i still hang out with them and he found out abotu it and said i was a cheater becuase i lied to him and embrassed him behind his back by bring my promises and not keeping my words.... i know i did lie but i just don't getwhat's wrong with keeping friends who i've had before i've met my current bf.... i felt guilt and that i'm a cheater now.. but i felt the only thing i did wrong was not telling him my true feelings and letting him push me around... i dont' kwno .. i really need some asnwers or some insight into this situation.... thnx

[peaceinknowing]

You more than likely have not done anything wrong unless you've given him a reason to feel like you're more "at home" with these other guy friends than you are with him. Guys and girls are like this all the time, so it is normal that he is feeling this way about your other guy friends right now. If you hang out with these friends more than you do him, then I'd have to agree with him on his thoughts about what is really going on. This is human nature, even though a lot of us sit here and type that it's not okay for him to feel this way. None of us know you, your relationship or your situation at hand completely. We can only go on the words you've posted here and go from there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex. There DOES become an issue for men and women when their "other half" is spending a lot of time with these friends of the opposite sex, though. Once again, it's only human nature for him to feel this way and sometimes when you go to them to talk about it they feel like you're not listening -- I have been in his shoes before trust me.

[faithfulchild]

Everyone has pretty much said what i would have said. I do believe that his behaviour is irrational and can lead to other destructive behaviour. He seem to be controlling and tends to think of you as his property.

I dont think you should continue this relationship with things the way they are. The fact that he describes you seeing your friends with such a strong word as cheating and not lying is a red flag. He needs help and he will not change unless he gets it.

You really need to decide whether or not you can live the rest of your life walking on egg shells. Furthermore, it seem to me that if you plan on staying with him, then you are in for a life of loneliness and lack of support. Pretty soon your friends might get tired of sneaking around in order to see you.

Perhaps that's exactly what he wants. That way you only become dependent on him and so he can control your every move. Is this the life you really want? You guys are not yet married and he is acting like he has a title of ownership where you are concerned...what will happen if you do get married?

Think about it.

[Judy246]

Im proud that you were opened to our advise. At times it can be hard to hear, but I always say, we will tell it like we see it and at times it can be harsh, but with good intention. Good luck on your decisions and p.s....work on that self esteem.:)

[neovo]

Hey, thank you for all the comments, i basically know everything that you guys i've told me it's jstu hard to sort out everything in my mind when i was questioning my own actions.... I know i've lied and i've told him i'm so very sorry and then tried to explain to him why and how i felt abotu my friends and how important they are since they are part of my life as much as he is. And Judy246 abotu your quesiton if he has girl friends as all as you know the limiation. if they are childhood friends then i ahve no right say if he can be frds or not with them unless it's over the boarder line. cuz i alwyas think for a strong healthy relationship everything needs to be in balance, when yor'e in a relationship your social-network is suppose to expand becuase two people are together. i've tired telling him that we should go our seperate ways cuz it jstu seems like it'll be less stressful for both of us but it didn't turn out so well and he wouldn't let me go and i got weak.

Judy246 i didnt' realize this before until i've read your second comment abotu my self-esteem that i do need to work on it.....

[Judy246]

Bro's before Ho's (lol) ....imanaddict is right, your friends don't like him, because they can see right throught him and he knows it. Your friends will defend you and he doesn't like that....keep the friends, dump the boyfriend.

[imanaddict]

DO NOT let this guy pick the people in your life!!!! This is a control method and if you let him control one aspect of your life, he will work his way to the rest. This is NO WAY to live! You have known these people longer than you have known him, and they are important to you. Ever hear of the term "Bro's before Ho's"? That term applies to women as well. These are the people that will be there for you no matter what. And your friends don't like him because he is controlling you! Listen to them and what they have to say on the matter. They have an outside view and you are blinded by love. I can't help but wonder if this guy will turn abusive in the near future? And I say that because it could very well turn into that if you "disobey" his controlling ways.

Does he let you pick his friends?? Probably not! Don't let him push you around. Stand up for yourself and the people that matter to you. They will always be there, HE probably won't! I wish you all the best!

[teko]

Red Flag! Move on.

[Judy246]

There are so many guy's out there that would love to accept you as you are unconditionally, but a lot of guy's by nature are jelous, put yourself in his shoes. What if he had childhood female friends that always wanted to be around him?  How you feel and respond? I recommend that you tell your b/f and male friends that you want peace and respect among each other and unfortunately, you will have to keep b/f and friends apart.

[megochick101]

Like Judy said, you haven't done anything wrong! your boyfriend is being very unreasonable and jealous and controlling, signs of a very insecure man. There is nothing wrong with having guy friends and no one should be able to tell you who to hang out with. and that is what you are letting this guy do. You are letting him choose who you are allowed to see and who you aren't allowed to see.

You need to talk to him and tell him that you haven't cheated on him and that him asking you to stop seeing people who have been in your life for so long is out of the question. He has no right to tell you what you can do. He needs to trust you. And you need to make him understand that your friends are there to stay, if he does not except that then he needs to head to the curb!

If he still tries to determine what friends you can see after talking to him, you need to get the heck out of that relationship fast!! This is the type of man who will become emotionally and physically abusive! The signs are already starting to come out.

Good luck and remember, there are many many men out there who will not try and control any aspect of your life.

[mami1323]

There is nothing I can say that Judy hasn't said already.  I was in the same situation as you, my fiance didn't like the fact that I had guy friends.  So I let go of a very great friend of mine who I was friend's with for 10 years and who had been there for me through the hardest break-up of my life.  I do miss him and wonder how he is and still regret letting go of him from my life.  But I can't go back and change things.  Now with you, you're not a cheater at all.  You did lie which does have an impact on your relationship and still damages the trust but you have to wonder if this man is worth losing all your friend's and family over.  He's controlling and insecure.  Not a great combination.  Really think about what you want, you are still very young and have a lot of life ahead of you.

[Judy246]

I also wanted to mention that I am a little concern about your self esteem, because of the effect he had on you, making you doubt yourself and question if you are a cheater.
There is a big difference between cheating and lying and you questioned yourself, so work on your self esteem and NEVER permit anyone to have that type of control over your emotions. He has the problem and he is making you feel as if it's all your fault when in reality, you are only guilty of lying.  

[Judy246]

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and there is absolutely no reason that you can not have friends male and female. Your boyfriend is insecure and afraid of losing you. Fear of loss is what is bothering him and that is unfair to you. Relationships are build on mutual respect, trust, friendship and good communication. You are guilty of lying, but not cheating. Cheating is infidelity, exp: dating someone, having sex, kissing someone else if you are in a relationship.

If I were you, these are early warning signs (ding, ding,ding....red flag!) of what is to come in the future. My question to you is, although you think you love him, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is going to tell you who you can and can't see or speak to. NO! why, because if he is treating you like this now, his behavior can lead to physical violence as he will see you as his (you know like property) to control. Think about it carefully. If you love him and want to work this out, apologize, and you can understand his mistrust, but that you did nothing wrong and you don't appreciate him accusing of cheating. Lay the law now! Tell him that you will both need to trust each other and if your friends bother him, you will do everything you can to be with him (without your friends), but it's unexceptable that he is trying to control you and tell you that you can not have friendship with your childhood friends...that's just rediculous.

Another option is to choose your bf over your friends, but that means he won telling what to do and expects obedience.  Good luck.