am i a schico *****

[cocoapebbles]

been with boyfriend for over a year.  last year he started texting an ex girlfrien of his to prove a point.  one day he was showing me somethin on phone and he got a message from facebook and it was a female, so i asked who it was he said no one I'm important.  I go to his facebook profile and foud the female that messaged him and it was the same person that was texting him on his phone.  I made the mistake of looking at his cell phone and saw his account on face book and saw messages their as well.  Everyone she is in town she would call him to meet up, but always makes up excuses on why he can't meet her.  One occasion we were at a friend's house and he messages her that he wished he had been able to see her but was babysitting a drunk friend, that friend was me.  Other message he sent her was that he awoke at 3 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep because he was thinking of her.  I told him what I did and saw and he was angry. Only reason he did that was because I'm not a very talkative person.  Now beginning of this year he started putting a kick in his phone, he hadn't done it since July why start now.  I asked what is the purpose, his comment was that he wanted to see if his phone could do it, or because my kids could do it why couldn't he.he cares his phone and iPod constantly.  When we go to bed he is on phone or iPod and takes both of them to restroom.  My question being am I a scientific birch for me to think that he is hiding something.  I've told him how that makes me feel and he throws out in my face that it's all me.  He says I'm controlling.should I be concerned please need to know somethin very confused.

[cocoapebbles]

Thank you....  finding this website and your advice had really opened up my eyes..  

[Londres70]

I can't say it any better than Specialmom.  She has given you very good advice.  

Please come to your senses and realize you haven't found that "special person" and see this for what it is and not how you wish it would be.

Get out of this before worse happens.

[cocoapebbles]

Thank you and will take your advice....

[Life360_Dave]

He sounds like a real creep and i would not waste any more time with him. Sometimes there aint enough rocks. It would be better to be alone than to go through all this needless waste of your precious time.

[specialmom]

I think it is clear that this relationship isn't working.  I know it is sad when we come to that realization, however, our self protective side should take over.  BE Angry that he turned out to be this wretched human being and use that to energize you to do something about it.  And sweetie, if there is a pattern of abusive people in your life, then I highly recommend that some counseling may help.  At the very least, do some self analysis and read books on this subject to help yourself.  

But, you need to formalize a plan to go and not second guess it.  The first time a man raises a hand to you---  there should never be an opportunity for a second chance.  The verbal abuse makes your life together like a war and the constant back and forth between his being kind and his being hurtful is the typical pattern of an abusive person.  Abusers aren't all evil and have 'other' sides to them but the abusive side is what you need to focus on and know that you must get away and take care of you.

I'd rather live alone in a one room apartment than be with a man that abused me physically or verbally.  

If you are making enough money to support the two of you now through that part time job and business---  you may be able to swing leaving in the next couple of weeks.  Make that part time job a full time job, restart the business by yourself, or go to work for someone else.  Do it sooner rather than later and don't look back.  peace

[cocoapebbles]

No I am not questioning it.  Just wish our want happening to me.  Thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  I am too old for this mind games that he is playing.

[specialmom]

Your last post concerns me.  You are still questioning if this is abuse?  

[cocoapebbles]

For the past 5 months I have been paying for everthing as I have a part time job and also work with him on our own business. But he wants to complain that im wasting foil paper .  Etc.  Tries to tell me how to.do dishes when he dont even touch them.  Am I to blame .  I just cant see my self hitting him when he is running as fast as he can.

[specialmom]

Sweetie, he hits you.  You have to plot your escape even without support from family.  Most women will understand that you need to get out and will help you.  In the states, we have shelters and such for women to escape to.  Think of ALL of your options and use them.  Get out as soon as you can.  good luck

[cocoapebbles]

My family believed what he had to say right now I have not slept at all.Just waiting for a time to talk and let him know I can't do this anymore. Thank you for the advice..

[cocoapebbles]

He has hit me and blames me.  The issue he has is that it's always the woman's fault.  He told my family that I started amen I chased him home running and I was running behind him punching and hiring him.so when we got home I did not want to fight anymore so I tried to hug him when he pushed me already and I scratched him.that's when he started hurting me.and yes I took the blame everything that happens its my fault.  Can never do our say anything right because it's not good enough for him.

[Chima7]

Please for the sake of your sanity, get as far away from this ********* boyfriend as you can. He is such a complete and total jerk to you and he clearly doesn't love you at all. People can say they love you all day long but those are just empty words that mean nothing when their actions toward you are this abusive and wrong.

Start today by planning your exit. You're a smart girl, you can figure out how to extricate yourself from this situation. Don't make excuses, the time to leave him has arrived because his abuse toward you has become unbearable. Once you get away from him, don't ever let any guy speak to you like that again! Take back your power and don't ever be afraid to stand up for yourself because you don't deserve to be abused like this.

[specialmom]

You need a plan.  If your ultimate goal is a better life for yourself---  I think you know that this man shouldn't be in it but it sounds like leaving cold turkey today isn't something you can or are willing to do.  BUT, you can start putting together a plan.  Think in terms of HOW you can get away.  If that is your only income---  begin to look for another source.  How could you do the business on your own or with someone else or do something else all together.  Do you have family that is supportive at all?  Friends?  Reach out to these people and start to strengthen your tie to them so that they can be there for you when you leave.  Begin to think practically about what you will need to be on your own--  place to stay, your personal items, ability to have an income (and maybe to start off with it is just enough for your living expenses . . .  once on your feet, you can rebuild).  

This does not have to be your permanent life situation.  You can plot and plan a new life for yourself that you can leave this one behind for very soon.  peace and luck

[cocoapebbles]

I know but do you know how hard it is?  This is the man that supposedly says that he loves me and had asked me to marry him.  It is soo hard because I also work with him and have a business and thats the only income I have.

[Londres70]

Cocoapebbles......Why are you sticking around?  He is verbally and emotionally abusing you, i.e. calling you stupid, retard, psychotic.

This is just a bf of over a year?  I am not sure why you are hanging on still.

Who cares what he says.........you need to LEAVE.  

At 40 you definitely shouldn't be tolerating games.  

[cocoapebbles]

I am 40 and he is going on 42.  He says it's me playing games.  He said that what he has on his phone are his memories and will not delete anything for me.

[cocoapebbles]

Yes you are right.  Tonight we were talking and I brought up about my past.  Talking about how I was treated when I got pregnant when I was in high school and comparing my oldest to the youngest on how different they are on respect wise and he got mad.  He can talk and compare me to his ex.  He calls me names and at times I  feel like I can't seem to do and say  anything right to please him.  It's all about him.  He says things like you disgust me when I look at you and when I repeat it back, he says that's not what I said,I know I said.  Calls me retard,stupid schycotic *****.  When I try to talk to him he always puts me down or talks over me when I'm trying to say something like it's not important.

[Londres70]

Did I read your age correctly....43?  I would say your are too old for these games he is dishing out.  

I would get rid of him.  Why stay and be more humiliated?

[Chima7]

He's not treating you well and he is probably lying to his ex that he isn't dating anyone right now. So, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you want to stay in a relationship with a guy like him or do you want to find a guy who isn't totally shady and lame? I know what I would do. I would walk right out the door and never look back. It doesn't make sense to me why anyone would stay with such a shady boyfriend when there are so many way nicer guys out there.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Either You are not making YourSelf understood to Him
OR
He's unconcerned about Your objection - either way, I see that as an issue.

He's either trustworthy
OR He's not.  

You either trust Him
OR You don't.

If He's not trustworthy, You've got a problem

If You don't trust Him, You've got a problem

GoodLuck