Hi. I am dating a girl 10 years younger than me (im 29 and she is 19). we've been together for almost a year now and we are pretty serious about future together. at the beginning i asked her to quit smoking, and end her friendships with guys who we both knew they had a crush on her. i mean what's the point to keep them around anymore! She did it in the beginning but recently she is insisting to keep some of those friendships despite the fact that she knows i dont want them to be around.
my suspicious started when i accidently saw her chat with one of her guy-friends talking about musics, favorite songs and other stuff (of course with so many smiley faces!) from that point i kept looking into her stuff (text massages, FB.. ) and finding her chatting with different guys that she calls them friend. the other day she wrote to someone this song is from me to u, and the guy thanked her and send her a kiss (face) on FB. or just this morning someone texted her on the phone, "i dont like u,... just saying.. and smile."
she doesnt have many girl friends and mostly are guys around her. last week i told her i cant take it anymore and i wanna break up. she started to cry and swearing that she loves me and ...
am i skeptical in this relationship cuz i think she knows these guys are flirting with her but she chooses not to see that and keep them around!
i love this girl, i respect her and i just dont know why im developing this behavior against her. i wanna know is this normal or im a skeptical man.
You need to deal with your own insecurities. The problem is not her being around guy friends. The problem is that you don't trust her and are feeling insecure because she's got guy friends. She's talking about a future together with you. Why can't you trust her not to keep a friendship just that: a friendship? Search for the answer within yourself, talk to someone about these insecurities.
from my knowledge and understanding insecurity can be defined as the state of being subject to danger or injury. right? im not scared of getting hurt. what i want has nothing to do with insecurity. it's about who i want to see around!
I'll accept Your definition of insecurity.......it fits this situation.
danger = You're afraid of losing Her (or of Her cheating)
injury = Broken Heart if She leaves You (or cheats)
1. As I said earlier - She's still a Teenager and is behaving like one. A ten year spread is too great an age difference at this age.
2. You want to control Her - not good at ANY age.
Does She appeal to You because She is GIRL that You might "teach" to be what You want in a WOMAN?
The object is not to "change", "mold" someone, but to find someone who ALREADY meets Your criteria. To attempt to change someone into what/who YOU want = disaster (at any age)
If You want a GirlFriend who does not smoke, You should look for a Woman who does not smoke.
If You want a GirlFriend who does not have (male) Friends, You should look for a Womam who has no (male) Friends.
You look insecure to some of us because You don't trust HER to have male Friends. Even should You suspect THEIR motive(s) You are displaying that You don't trust Her to turn a guy down if He does indeed make a pass.
Hmmm, you've considered the age difference no doubt, and have chosen this girl by the personality that she has.....(mature).
I understand why one of the posters mentioned that it might not be right to expect her to skip really, her path if she were to stay in her own age group.....
But, you've both chosen each other it seems. I'm wondering whether you have friends that she can consider her own now? I'm sure that she would mature around other mature adults, ie. if you have friends that are couples, going to university, musicians, singles that don't flirt with couples, etc. I think if you're going to expect her to lose her crowd, there should be a definite replacement for social contact.
Let me ask you this.....how would you feel if she was trying to change "this and that" about you? If she is comfortable with herself why should she have to change for you? i.e. quit smoking and lose the male friends. What she is doing is TYPICAL for a 19 year old.
I think you are acting more like the girl's father than bf. This is nonsense IMO. Control-ish.
"she doesnt have many girl friends and mostly are guys around her. last week i told her i cant take it anymore and i wanna break up. she started to cry and swearing that she loves me and ..."..............That's probably the BEST thing to do. Let her live her life as she wants and you move and find someone else who "ticks" all your boxes, i.e. doesn't smoke, no male friends, etc.
Age is just a number, if you love each other you love each other. I'm 19, and it's a normal 19 year old thing. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years, and did have this problem in the earlier years (mutually). As time went on, we realized we were right for each other and treated one another the way we deserve to be treated and I couldn't be happier.
Age is not "just a number" - it's WAY more complicated than "just a number"
That being said, I'm happy for You that Your relationship has worked out for You
But, ORDINARILY - be it Him or be it Her, when a much Older Person is seeking a much Younger Person, well then, control is OFTEN the issue. I did not make up this rule - BUT, I do observe this is a "troublesome" issue much of the time.
IF this is working for You, I applaud that.
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