Aa
am i wrong ???
hello everyone,
i am 34 fem married and i have 3 children.
my husband has a brother 37 yrs old. well up until 6 weeks ago he too was married
to a nice woman for 12 yrs. they were our best man / maid of honor and they
are my son's godparents.
anyhow he was dating someone for 1 1/2 and finally she told him he should choose so
he left his wife. i was devestated we weren't the best of friends but we shared a history together.
today were going to my in-laws for dinner and saw he had brought this new woman there.
i was mortified and asked my husband to leave. he was cross with me because naturally
he loves and supports his brother but i couldn't let my children think that
it's ok for us to use people like this.
was i wrong in my decision ??
i am 34 fem married and i have 3 children.
my husband has a brother 37 yrs old. well up until 6 weeks ago he too was married
to a nice woman for 12 yrs. they were our best man / maid of honor and they
are my son's godparents.
anyhow he was dating someone for 1 1/2 and finally she told him he should choose so
he left his wife. i was devestated we weren't the best of friends but we shared a history together.
today were going to my in-laws for dinner and saw he had brought this new woman there.
i was mortified and asked my husband to leave. he was cross with me because naturally
he loves and supports his brother but i couldn't let my children think that
it's ok for us to use people like this.
was i wrong in my decision ??
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is your situation to handle as you see fit. I like to think of these things when it comes to kids as yours are old enough to notice what is going on . . . as a "teachable moment". With no juicy details you can help your kids understand the value of committment and how selfish choices hurt those who love you.
Hope your family heals soon. (your WHOLE family.) good luck
Hope your family heals soon. (your WHOLE family.) good luck
tks for all yr replies.
in my gut i know i am right. and today my son told me he had seen this girl before
when they were at their grandparents house and when they saw us coming they
fled her to my sister in laws house.
i think their behaviour is absolutely horrible . i dont want my kids to think it's all right
to dump someone as soon as we are bored with them
say i am old fashioned say i am 'stuck' but thats me.!!!
in my gut i know i am right. and today my son told me he had seen this girl before
when they were at their grandparents house and when they saw us coming they
fled her to my sister in laws house.
i think their behaviour is absolutely horrible . i dont want my kids to think it's all right
to dump someone as soon as we are bored with them
say i am old fashioned say i am 'stuck' but thats me.!!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes bavariangirl, you did come on strong. Obviously a hot button for you. What I love about this site is that someone can post and get different perspectives.
Family rifts can be hard to repair and one does not have to welcome someone with open arms to remain polite. So . . .from now on she will not attend a function that he is at? Her parents in law will have to choose between her and their son? She would have to put her own relationship with her spouse in jeopardy as they squabble about how her husband treats his brother?
In a case like this, I recommend wholeheartedly neutrality. Otherwise, you are throwing yourself into the drama. And frankly, as a therapist for almost two decades------- remaining neutral in a fight within the family when it does not directly involve you is wise. You can certainly disapprove but that is different than "taking a stand and backing everyone into a corner". It isn't like by being mad, he'll decide to turn back the clock and be with his ex.
But . . . this is only my opinion. Bavariangirl's will be more popular because it is what we all WANT to do when that nerve inside us regarding infidelity is touched. Hey, I want to do it to. But I don't do everything I want to.
So, if this is a question about "am I wrong"------- no, not wrong. But is it the best way to handle the situation for the long term problem of dealing with them, probably not.
Wishing her luck and peace. (I do agree in being a support to the ex sister in law ---- just don't put yourself in the middle.)
Family rifts can be hard to repair and one does not have to welcome someone with open arms to remain polite. So . . .from now on she will not attend a function that he is at? Her parents in law will have to choose between her and their son? She would have to put her own relationship with her spouse in jeopardy as they squabble about how her husband treats his brother?
In a case like this, I recommend wholeheartedly neutrality. Otherwise, you are throwing yourself into the drama. And frankly, as a therapist for almost two decades------- remaining neutral in a fight within the family when it does not directly involve you is wise. You can certainly disapprove but that is different than "taking a stand and backing everyone into a corner". It isn't like by being mad, he'll decide to turn back the clock and be with his ex.
But . . . this is only my opinion. Bavariangirl's will be more popular because it is what we all WANT to do when that nerve inside us regarding infidelity is touched. Hey, I want to do it to. But I don't do everything I want to.
So, if this is a question about "am I wrong"------- no, not wrong. But is it the best way to handle the situation for the long term problem of dealing with them, probably not.
Wishing her luck and peace. (I do agree in being a support to the ex sister in law ---- just don't put yourself in the middle.)
I'm in agreement with specialmom.
I'd be extremely uncomfortable and for the sake of dh hold my tongue b/c it was his brother. That's something that he has to live with.
As far as your kids go the only thing you can do is stress to them how inappropriate and wrong that is. Show them that a loving family stays together and remains faithful.
I'd be extremely uncomfortable and for the sake of dh hold my tongue b/c it was his brother. That's something that he has to live with.
As far as your kids go the only thing you can do is stress to them how inappropriate and wrong that is. Show them that a loving family stays together and remains faithful.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't disagree more with specialmom. Your moral compass is right on, and if we don't stand up for our beliefs, then what are they worth? What's more, is what are we teaching our children? What your husband's brother did was wrong, and he should not expect to have his family welcome his girlfriend with open arms! Your husband seriously supports his brother's decision? Shame on him! And of course, how you handle things with your own children is to tell them only what they need to know. Auntie and uncle are no longer together, sometimes adults make bad decisions. I feel it is important to teach our children through actions, as well as words. Now, if your husband doesn't share your feelings, he is welcome to visit his brother without you. Sorry if I come on a bit strong, but I'm always amazed what society will accept, all in the name of being "correct". I would lend my sis-in-law and her kids (if any) as much support as you can.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Grrrrr and ugggghhhhh. What a terrible situation.
Let me say that you are not wrong for how you feel as I'd probably feel the exact same way. She'd be the "scuz" that wrecked a home and he'd be the creep that broke his vow. I'd never look at either one of them the same again.
However, what I think and what I say are two different things. In reality, it was not this woman's committment that was broken. Sure, she lacks character and is disgusting and all that, but she was not married to your sister in law. So------ seperate that. She did not break the vow nor break up the marriage--------- those were your brother in law's choices.
Your brother in law is family. We don't always like what our family does and disapprove. But we can not control others. I think what would have been better for you to do was to speak to him privately and say " I am so disappointed. I love X (the sister in law) and really believe in marriage vows and just can't understand how this happened." Listen to what he says--------- and then keep your thoughts to yourself. Yes, keep your thoughts to yourself.
Don't get me wrong that I feel where you are coming from with regards to your children. I don't know how old they are. If they are young, the adult BS usually goes right over their heads and a simple explanation will suffice. If they are older------- you will have to explain that uncle and auntie have broken up and are not living together anymore. He's met a new friend and we are always polite to people. THAT is the lesson your kids need. You can even tell your older children that you are disappointed and with uncle and auntie had worked it out but it just wasn't meant to be. They should NOT know that this is the OTHER woman and uncle was cheating. Why do they need to know that??? They don't--------- that is adult stuff. So keep discussions on the kid level and they will not have all of the same anger and upset that you do--------- and THAT is the right thing to do for the kids involved.
And if the broken up couple had kids, well--------- they need your support. Telling them that you understand that they are sad is important . . . and helping them ACCEPT the new situation is important too. They can't change it nor can you.
So, I think that you should not cause a family rift. Being polite does not mean approving. You also need to remain friendly with your ex sister in law but do not be a "middle man".
This is what it is. Your brother in law is creepy and is now with a bimbo. I know it and you know it and just about everyone else who knows the situation knows it-------- however, it does not help to take a dramatic stand within the family.
And remember, the rate of break up for couples that start out like your brother in law and new chick is extremely high. You probably won't be dealing with her for long.
I wish you luck-------- very difficult situation.
Let me say that you are not wrong for how you feel as I'd probably feel the exact same way. She'd be the "scuz" that wrecked a home and he'd be the creep that broke his vow. I'd never look at either one of them the same again.
However, what I think and what I say are two different things. In reality, it was not this woman's committment that was broken. Sure, she lacks character and is disgusting and all that, but she was not married to your sister in law. So------ seperate that. She did not break the vow nor break up the marriage--------- those were your brother in law's choices.
Your brother in law is family. We don't always like what our family does and disapprove. But we can not control others. I think what would have been better for you to do was to speak to him privately and say " I am so disappointed. I love X (the sister in law) and really believe in marriage vows and just can't understand how this happened." Listen to what he says--------- and then keep your thoughts to yourself. Yes, keep your thoughts to yourself.
Don't get me wrong that I feel where you are coming from with regards to your children. I don't know how old they are. If they are young, the adult BS usually goes right over their heads and a simple explanation will suffice. If they are older------- you will have to explain that uncle and auntie have broken up and are not living together anymore. He's met a new friend and we are always polite to people. THAT is the lesson your kids need. You can even tell your older children that you are disappointed and with uncle and auntie had worked it out but it just wasn't meant to be. They should NOT know that this is the OTHER woman and uncle was cheating. Why do they need to know that??? They don't--------- that is adult stuff. So keep discussions on the kid level and they will not have all of the same anger and upset that you do--------- and THAT is the right thing to do for the kids involved.
And if the broken up couple had kids, well--------- they need your support. Telling them that you understand that they are sad is important . . . and helping them ACCEPT the new situation is important too. They can't change it nor can you.
So, I think that you should not cause a family rift. Being polite does not mean approving. You also need to remain friendly with your ex sister in law but do not be a "middle man".
This is what it is. Your brother in law is creepy and is now with a bimbo. I know it and you know it and just about everyone else who knows the situation knows it-------- however, it does not help to take a dramatic stand within the family.
And remember, the rate of break up for couples that start out like your brother in law and new chick is extremely high. You probably won't be dealing with her for long.
I wish you luck-------- very difficult situation.
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