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Avatar universal

any way to help this?

Ok not sure where to start,
I left my husband and got a divorce because I was unhappy for a long time with him. I also have 2 children. I re-connected with my first high school boyfriend almost a year ago, and things of course were great. He even moved in pretty quickly with me. He was a great help to my kids and all etc. Given I was going through a lot of emotional distress with work and personal issues a lot of it was naturally directed towards my boyfriend.

Everything seemed fine, but i noticed in the last weeks, I asked for some time to myself. So he left and soon after I realized, I was completely miserable and alone without him. After the first week of him leaving we had plans to go to the city with my kids and last minute, I thought it was better to just do shopping him and myself. He said he was upset I changed it to some 'date like' thing.

anyways the strangeness continued and I saw him for maybe 2 hours the next day and the following date he said he needed space. After not contacting him for several days he contacted me, and even babysat my child.

We just went to dinner and a movie recently but i feel like this is all hopeless because he said most of the reasons he left was because i was a little pushy...overbearing and not so nice to him at the end before he moved out

I would love to make this work and be able to restart, does anyone know what is the right thing to do in this situation? I just want him to return to his normal self as well as me.

He is still very attracted to me, but I want us to go back to the emotional happiness we shared almost a year ago.

He just seems somewhat distant and occasionally his regular self returns. He said I need to relax and focus on the important stuff in my life.

Also I take it as a personal offense that he just refuses to go back to my apartment with me, or is this something I should NOT focus on so much?

He is more then willing to watch my daughter for when i need to attend premieres and events, but only at his sisters where he is staying. he lived with me 8 months.

I want to be able to fix this and go back to where/how we were as a couple. But If anyone seems to think this is a doomed relationship I wont fight or try anymore.

I am taking too much personal...the fact he wont come to my apartment (although I live 40 min away). and he doesnt seem to want to make plans new years eve.

I havent gotten the best feedback in the word.

The only thing I can say is ...we went to dinner and the movies--although it wasnt the best breakthrough, we discussed a bit about why we are where we are, and what the problems were.
7 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I think you can make him feel appreciated by just being honest.  Tell him that you think he is a great guy and you've so appreciated all he has done and meant to you over the last year.  Then, invite him over for a dinner you make.  No pressure--------- just a low key day.  Ask him questions about him and how he is doing.  You need to know this anyway as you are wondering about depression.  It would be a good opportunity to discuss that as well and encourage him to address it if need be.  

Just find ways to show him that he's been good to you and you want to be good back to him.  And the things that you worry you've done in the past, work on not doing them.  If you were harsh, do your best to be more gentle and accepting of him.

You do seem to have your heart in the right place.  So, I always think anything can happen.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Funny this guy is my first high school boyfriend. Oh my marriage was doomed for a long time...as much as I love my daughter and dont regret having her I knew it was over before I even got pregnant..This is my 2nd child as well.

Oh i have no remorse over leaving my husband as bad as it sounds.

I agree on the get help issue...although he has NOT admitted he is depressed it took some time to realize because normally...if a person moves on to someone else...the old person is cut off immediately...sounds almost like in a small way he wants me to hang around...not sure?

I def want the best for my kids...and he was a much nicer person..it wasnt until the recent weeks until I noticed some of the depressing behavior although I couldnt pin point it.

I appreciate all your help and your def one of the few helping me through this...many people pointed me out to be a selfish person...and as much as I love my kids...I want to make myself happy as well in the emotional aspect.

He was extremely helpful and maybe i was a bit harsh...but I want to show him im there no matter what...and not in a pushy...selfish way

-Jene
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  Well,  I do want you to encourage him to see a doctor.  Bipolar or depression are serious and if you suspect that, he does need to address it.  Nothing really "lifts the spirits" if someone's brain chemistry is off balance.  He would require therapy and medication most likely if he is suffering a psychiatric disorder.  

Ah, you have a baby!  I'll be honest.  Babies are hard work and require a lot of our energy.  I'm a mom too but no longer with a baby (bummer!)----------  if your boyfriend is very up and down and causing you emotional stress, maybe it would be best for some down time anyway so that no energy is taken away from your little one.  

I'd stay in touch with this guy but just allow things to run their course.  Encourage him to seek help. I still wouldn't leave him alone with your child.  I know you feel he is safe but if he isn't taking care of himself right now, he's not the best candidate for a babysitter. If he wants to visit with the baby, he can do it while you are there.  I also hope that the baby's father is involved as well.  

You must have left your husband while pregnant and gotten together with this man quite quickly.  That does make it difficult to know what we have sometimes.  When we don't take a break between men, we can find ourselves either with the wrong man or treating a good man badly because we are still processing the previous relationship.  Just something to tuck away for next time.  

You've got your hands full and I hope it works out for you!  Peace
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yeah he looked like he really had not shaved nor really showered. Although he didnt smell. he just looked a bit dishelved. I felt extremely bad due to the fact he was NEVER like this. Maybe the blow of all this caused him to feel this way?

I wont push on counseling but maybe if I act positive and put all good thoughts he might feel better? I wouldnt mind not being in a relationsip if it means he seeks help.

As far as I am concerned...he does love my daughter she is only 8 months and he was there since she was born taking care of her...and the day he watched her is the day he was in better spirits...
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is hard to say.   Now, "manic depressive"----------- are you refering to bipolar?  That is cycling between mania and depression or are you just saying he is deeply depressed?  Have you noticed this before?  Is he able to go to work?  When you say he has on the same clothes for 9 straight days---------- does he look showered, unkept?  Bipolar is a serious psychiatric illness and if he is indeed bipolar or deeply depressed, I would not leave your daughter in his care at this time.  I'd also try to have a heart to heart with him about seeking some help from a doctor about it.

What I read just from this small bit here that I realize is just a tiny bit of what is going on-------- he seems confused for sure.  Maybe he really is trying to figure out where he stands and what he wants.  

I think that without sounding "desperate" or pushy, you can just try to talk to him.  Tell him that this relationship matters to you and you'd like to work on yourself to make it a better union and would love him to do the same.  You could offer to go to some counseling as a couple to discuss areas that could be improved upon.  Then just be patient.  

But if he is suffering some psychological issues, then it would be the wrong time to further the relationship.  He would need to address that first.  I hope that is not the case.

I think just trying to let the cards fall where they may and just working on what you can control within yourself is your best bet.  And be honest with him as to how you feel.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Weird enough---why go out to dinner/movie with me last week. My brothers wife said from how I explained things..he sounds like a manic depressive.

The week before he was happier to see me and complimentive of me (hair, dress, etc). He was even like...oh if your tired when you come back we can both sleep on the couch, etc.

At that point he seemed like his 'normal' self...all over me in a good way, etc. I return from the event..several houses later he is tired and withdrawn..

The during that week we made plans to go to the movie...I also noticed he was in the same clothes the past 9 days!

He is helping me watch my daughter again this week. And in a few weeks he will be coming to one event with me...

does this sound a little more positive? If he IS manic depressive--he told me as his last word before exiting my car last week'--when I asked "so you want me to leave you alone?"---he said "no not leave me alone, just dont be so pushy"
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  Well, this can happen.  Relationships start and progress while along the way we pick up history with one another that can be good or bad.  I think he is telling you that torwards the end, he feels like it might be best to not be a couple anymore.  He sounds like he does love your child and cares for you but is perhaps not wanting a romantic relationship with you at this time.  That probably really hurts and I'm sorry.  

When we date, we learn all we need to about a person to see if it should move to the next level.  Both people do that.  He's learned some things that make him pull away.  Now you've learned that you miss him, maybe took him for granted a bit, and have some things you could work on to be a better partner to him.  You have to remember that you yourself were wishy washy until he was really gone and you saw what it was like without him.  Also, make sure that it doesn't have to do with the ease of family life with him (he does seem to do a lot of "babysitting" for you and I guess it seems odd to me that he wouldn't be your date to your events verses staying at home with your child . . .).  

You could, at this point, tell him that you really want to work on yourself so that you could be a better partner to him.  Then do just that if he gives you a second chance.  

But unfortunately, I think he is pulling away.  I'm so sorry.  That always hurts so bad.  Let us know how it goes and I hope I'm wrong.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
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