so im a pretty shy person. i have a lot of feelings and its really hard for me to talk about them...its just embarrassing to me cuz i dont want ppl to think im stupid for feeling a certain way. so i tend 2 bottle everything up till i REALLY feel like **** and need 2 talk about it. then i get all emotional and cry blah blah blah...stuff like that. anyways me and my boyfriend have been have been having some sexual problems lately. he just doesnt seem interested in having sex with me anymore and its really put a strain on the relationship. i love him with all my heart, i want him all the time, and i dont want to lose what we have. so my question is how do i get the "spark" back between us when im super super shy. im planning on trying the whole lingerie thing soon but i know im gonna be extremely nervous (like the whole heart pounding outta my chest kind of nervous). all i want is for him to want me again...any advice??
I can relate because I'm a shy and self-conscious person myself. I just got married last month to the greatest man I could ever imagine after we'd dated for two years. I am also pregnant with our first child together (but my second child).
Anyway, not that I'm going through any sexual issues in our relationship, but I am still shy and self-conscious around him even though we are married and I know he loves me. For example, I just CANNOT comfortably do the langerie thing. I have langerie, but I feel like such a schmuck wearing that stuff--not at all sexy. And I have a really hard time even letting him see me naked, and he has never once given me any reason to think he finds me unsexy or ugly or anything like that. It's just how I am. I'm shy and self-conscious (and not to mention, starting to look like a pregnant land barge, lol) and really, there's not a whole lot I can do about it because it's my personality.
And like you, I bottle things up and get the same exact way you do when I finally just need to spill it. I am extremely sensitive in this type of state, so I feel like a disaster and my self-esteem is terrible in these states.
Anyway, what I have found out works for me to not get to this point is not to force myself to be someone or something I know I just can't feel comfortable with being, and the same for him. Add to this that *I* am the one who initiates sex with my husband like, 90% of the time, and it's always been this way between us. I don't think it's that he has no sex drive (obviously) or that he's not attracted to me (obviously), but just because that is how he is, just like me being shy and self-conscious. It seems his mind is always pre-occupied with some nerdy engineering stuff or his work, so I just have to re-focus his attention to me. And obviously, I am not going to do that by wearing langerie or parading around naked, lol.
What works for us is that I like to do major things I know he appreciates, like make him his favorite dinner or give him an extra long hug and cuddle when he walks in the door from work. I also like to do corny little romantic things to get his attention, like write him a love note and sneak it into his coat pocket or say something that has "implications," but is meant to be funny.
He is the same way, which is what keeps me wanting him, except he does major things for me that I hate doing, like the dishes and laundry (I know, how romantic, right? Lol, but really, it's things like that that really get my attention), plus he brings me home flowers about every 3-4 weeks. But boy, let me tell you, he is just not that sexually outgoing, or rather, much of an initiator.
At first, I kind of wondered if I was the "problem," but instead of dwelling on it being a "problem," I decided to find another way around it before escaping into my depressed thoughts of, "What if he doesn't want me or isn't attracted to me?"
By doing the little things that he really appreciates (and vice versa), by the time I'm ready to go, all I have to do is make the move, and then...so is he. It's as simple as that.
So I guess my advice is, re-focus on what strengths you have instead of your shyness and awkwardness. For me, I like doing services/favors that are little and romantic, like the love notes and dinner. There are some great books out there, one of them I remember was called "1001 Ways to be Romantic," or something similar, that has TONS of options for finding the "spark" that fits yours and your partner's comfort level--everything from how to make certain looks, to goofy little romantic things to do together or for each other, to sexy things like langerie and a bubble bath with candles.
I am the same exact way! I have a hard time expressing my emotions and feeling and then end up just exploding once they are too built up!
You know what helped me out, with the shy sex and everything, I got those carmen electra strip tease workout videos. And then i practiced the strip tease(when i was alone), many many times until i got it perfect, which made me feel great that i could actually do it lol. Although doing the routine made me feel like a complete idiot, but hey I was able to do it all! Then i got up the courage, got me some sexy langerie, and then put my husband in a chair and told him i had a surprise for him. And yes, i did make mistakes during it, and at one point couldn't control my laughter since i felt like an idiot then too, but my husband still thought it was "hot as hell" and let me just say, we had a pretty awesome night after that! So even if you mess up, laugh or are embarrassed , just do it! You're husband will still appreciate the show.
Oh and a shot of rum(or two lol) doesn't hurt before the show, and then just enjoy the empowerment of making your man sweat in the best way possible! ;) lol
But after doing all that I felt so sexy and confident, even with all the mishaps so i highly recommend it! lol
Oh and it helps me a lot to instead of coming out and say my feelings and everything to write them down, so they're out there and i don't hold them in and explode. And then when my hubby's in a relaxed mood i can give him a page and he can just read it when he wants to and discuss it when he wants to. it helps curb fights too
You can start by loving yourself, treating yourself well and accepting yourself for who you are first. I see low self esteem and this can be an overall problem in all aspects of your life. Don't worry or care what anyone thinks and start developing confidence that you seem to lack. Also, if your b/f is no longer interested in intimacy with you, let that be a red flag to why? He might be a risk for infidelity not that he is, but that is a symptom. It's important for you to be able to communicate with him and discuss your concerns and ask him that you have notice his lack of interest and want to talk about it. Find out what is bothering him or if there is something you can help him with, but discuss your concerns and how to best resolve the problem. Good luck Judy
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