RELATIONSHIPS
COMMUNITY
anyone have success story for spouse's porn addiction?
Avatar_n_tn
by jazzyben, Feb 09, 2007
Does anyone have any success stories regarding porn/ masturbation issues with their spouse?? I am ready to bail and i really could use some positive words. I love him and I know he wants to stop but gets frustrated and caves. I am getting so tired of it all tho. I told him last night that I wanted to postpone our wedding and he was very upset- I'm not sure what will happen from here.
Related Discussions
Member Comments (39)
Avatar_n_tn
by lyndsaymay, Feb 09, 2007
I'll be honest with you, it is just like any other addiction and he will need counseling and help and then he will have to change his behavior for this all to change in his life. It is a very addictive addiction, just like drugs or alcohol, so you have to be prepared for a long recovery and relapses and knowing that while he may never be "cured" he may have changed his thinking/behavior patterns and it can stop. He also needs to address the underlying reasons for this, most likely insecurities, etc. and get some counseling that will help him deal with this so that he can make positive connections with you (porn is very isolating and will make him disconnect from you and everyone else). He will need to learn how to build a healthy relationship with a "real" person, rather than a fantasy. You may wish to suggest, though, that he receives counseling prior to your wedding because this addition can be very damaging to a relationship, especially when you want to make a clean, fresh beginning and make good memories from the start. Hope this helps, I wish I could offer you more, sadly it was part of the reason my ex and I did not work out.
Avatar_n_tn
by lyndsaymay, Feb 09, 2007
Yes, it hurt my self-esteem greatly, which I realize now, that's crazy because it was HIS behaviour and HIS choices. It gets so addicting and I hate to say it, the addicts end up looking for much younger women to look at which then leads to other possible issues. Without intensive counseling and therapy, it is rarely controlled from what I have read/understood/experienced. It is a coping mechanism for these men and they can rationalize it to the point where it is acceptable in their minds and it is only for "entertainment" as they see it. The problem is, if there is ANY  issue in a marriage that causes the other partner to feel uncomfortable or less worthy, it is up to that person to stop that behaviour on behalf of the spouse in order that the spouse feels loved and appreciated. I wish you all the best and I hope you get to the point where you realize that you are pretty, beautiful and you don't need someone in your life who is emotionally unavailable and selfish (this behaviour is very self-centered and all consuming). You deserve better. I told my guy if he reformed, then fine, find me then. He couldn't or chose not to--he chose the behaviour over me.
Avatar_n_tn
by jazzyben, Feb 09, 2007
ty so much... not what i wanted to hear but what i already knew i suppose. I have little faith at this point in time that he has the drive or strength or will or whatever you want to call it to get past this. I know in my head that i need to let go and give up and move on to spare us both the endless arguments and so on but i love him so much and he is a really great man and wonderful stepfather. I often think i should learn how to not care so much about sex but I guess it's more about that level of intimacy and that connection that only the 2 of you have and the 2 of us lack. this sucks and i am sorry you had to go through it. If you feel the way i do then I'm sure it hurt your self-esteem and confidence as it has mine. take care and again ty for your reply. honesty is better than nothing :-)
Avatar_f_tn
by broke123, Feb 12, 2007
i still dont get the whole porn issue.
he watches porn ok.... so what??????? what is the big deal??
it doesnt mean he loves u anyless. all the girls that hes looking at are not real to him. n if u ask any guy, if they would ever date a porn star, theyd say "ew no".

i asked my bf and his friend. they both said, that women that cant get passed "porn" are imature. cuz guys dont think its a big deal. neither do i.

if everythin else in the relationship is great, and he really is a great guy, than leaving him over "porn" is redicilous.
Avatar_n_tn
by Irish50, Feb 26, 2007
Unfortunately, the issue goes far beyond whether we personally like or object to pornographic websites. For spouses who are living with someone who actively engages in online porn sex, the outcome often results in the non-participating spouse becoming totally shut out, both physically and emotionally, from their spouse. Last night's Law and Order SVU episode awakened me to the concept of "porn creep." I am two years into a marriage where I have been completely replaced by online women. The hardest part is that this is an addiction, and just as devastating as other types such as alcohol and drugs. If your partner does not want to seek help or does not believe that he/she can ever change, a terrible challenge must be faced!

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom - I think that we must all make our own personal decisions on how much we can tolerate and where we draw the line in order to protect oour own sense of self-esteem and worth. It is good to know (very sadly) that there are many others in very similar situations.

It does sadden me to realize that our culture is paying a very large price in the name of "freedom of speech."
Avatar_n_tn
by SafeFromSites, Mar 02, 2007
We created our service to deal with this problem. All we block is porn. No Software , and you use your existing Internet provider.

http://www.safefromsites.com/help.html
Avatar_n_tn
by sadfornow, Mar 05, 2007
My name is unimportant and my problem is (as I have researched) common. My partner is addicted to porn.I have caught him many times and the excuse is always the same,It is not cheating, IT does not mean that I don't love you any less, you satisfy me completely, it is just a guy thing.all of these reasons at this point mean nothing to me. He sneaks away on MY lap top that I use for work purposes after I go to bed and watches porn.On valentines day I got a card and he stayed up until 10:30 at night to masturbate and watch porn instead of coming to bed with me. Worst thing yet I had surgery on 2/28/07 and had to stay over night. He came to visit me for an hour and after going home I found proof that he downloaded 2 porn movies on my laptop and watched them (masturbated I am sure) while I laid in the hospital.Of course I am crushed, insulted, wounded so I confront him. We yelled, screamed. He tells me I am making a big deal over nothing. I persist , he grabs me by my throat and throws me up against a wall. needles to say I have stitches in my stomach already from surgery and he has never put a hand on me before. Empty promises are made once again and I am tired of hearing them. The other worst thing was that the surgery that I had was breast implants and a tummy tuck.Stupid right? I was a size 6 before surgery and am told that I am a pretty women.those who say that porn is just a guy thing have never realy been with a true addict.Now what?
Avatar_n_tn
by Chessington, Mar 06, 2007
Hi Jazzben,

Porn is evil. I have been trying to stop watching porn for 30 years. I am totally ashamed and disgusted with it, but it always creeps in back again. There are web filters available such as We-blocker.com, but I am too shy to tell my spouse to put in a password. Sorry, but I think that pornography is the modern evil of so called free society.
Avatar_n_tn
by Chessington, Mar 06, 2007
Hi Jazzben,

Porn is evil. I have been trying to stop watching porn for 30 years. I am totally ashamed and disgusted with it, but it always creeps in back again. There are web filters available such as We-blocker.com, but I am too shy to tell my spouse to put in a password. Sorry, but I think that pornography is the modern evil of so called free society.