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anyone have success story for spouse's porn addiction?
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anyone have success story for spouse's porn addiction?

Does anyone have any success stories regarding porn/ masturbation issues with their spouse?? I am ready to bail and i really could use some positive words. I love him and I know he wants to stop but gets frustrated and caves. I am getting so tired of it all tho. I told him last night that I wanted to postpone our wedding and he was very upset- I'm not sure what will happen from here.
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Avatar_n_tn
I'll be honest with you, it is just like any other addiction and he will need counseling and help and then he will have to change his behavior for this all to change in his life. It is a very addictive addiction, just like drugs or alcohol, so you have to be prepared for a long recovery and relapses and knowing that while he may never be "cured" he may have changed his thinking/behavior patterns and it can stop. He also needs to address the underlying reasons for this, most likely insecurities, etc. and get some counseling that will help him deal with this so that he can make positive connections with you (porn is very isolating and will make him disconnect from you and everyone else). He will need to learn how to build a healthy relationship with a "real" person, rather than a fantasy. You may wish to suggest, though, that he receives counseling prior to your wedding because this addition can be very damaging to a relationship, especially when you want to make a clean, fresh beginning and make good memories from the start. Hope this helps, I wish I could offer you more, sadly it was part of the reason my ex and I did not work out.
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Avatar_n_tn
Yes, it hurt my self-esteem greatly, which I realize now, that's crazy because it was HIS behaviour and HIS choices. It gets so addicting and I hate to say it, the addicts end up looking for much younger women to look at which then leads to other possible issues. Without intensive counseling and therapy, it is rarely controlled from what I have read/understood/experienced. It is a coping mechanism for these men and they can rationalize it to the point where it is acceptable in their minds and it is only for "entertainment" as they see it. The problem is, if there is ANY  issue in a marriage that causes the other partner to feel uncomfortable or less worthy, it is up to that person to stop that behaviour on behalf of the spouse in order that the spouse feels loved and appreciated. I wish you all the best and I hope you get to the point where you realize that you are pretty, beautiful and you don't need someone in your life who is emotionally unavailable and selfish (this behaviour is very self-centered and all consuming). You deserve better. I told my guy if he reformed, then fine, find me then. He couldn't or chose not to--he chose the behaviour over me.
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Avatar_n_tn
ty so much... not what i wanted to hear but what i already knew i suppose. I have little faith at this point in time that he has the drive or strength or will or whatever you want to call it to get past this. I know in my head that i need to let go and give up and move on to spare us both the endless arguments and so on but i love him so much and he is a really great man and wonderful stepfather. I often think i should learn how to not care so much about sex but I guess it's more about that level of intimacy and that connection that only the 2 of you have and the 2 of us lack. this sucks and i am sorry you had to go through it. If you feel the way i do then I'm sure it hurt your self-esteem and confidence as it has mine. take care and again ty for your reply. honesty is better than nothing :-)
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Avatar_f_tn
i still dont get the whole porn issue.
he watches porn ok.... so what??????? what is the big deal??
it doesnt mean he loves u anyless. all the girls that hes looking at are not real to him. n if u ask any guy, if they would ever date a porn star, theyd say "ew no".

i asked my bf and his friend. they both said, that women that cant get passed "porn" are imature. cuz guys dont think its a big deal. neither do i.

if everythin else in the relationship is great, and he really is a great guy, than leaving him over "porn" is redicilous.
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Avatar_n_tn
Unfortunately, the issue goes far beyond whether we personally like or object to pornographic websites. For spouses who are living with someone who actively engages in online porn sex, the outcome often results in the non-participating spouse becoming totally shut out, both physically and emotionally, from their spouse. Last night's Law and Order SVU episode awakened me to the concept of "porn creep." I am two years into a marriage where I have been completely replaced by online women. The hardest part is that this is an addiction, and just as devastating as other types such as alcohol and drugs. If your partner does not want to seek help or does not believe that he/she can ever change, a terrible challenge must be faced!

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom - I think that we must all make our own personal decisions on how much we can tolerate and where we draw the line in order to protect oour own sense of self-esteem and worth. It is good to know (very sadly) that there are many others in very similar situations.

It does sadden me to realize that our culture is paying a very large price in the name of "freedom of speech."
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Avatar_n_tn
We created our service to deal with this problem. All we block is porn. No Software , and you use your existing Internet provider.

http://www.safefromsites.com/help.html
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Avatar_n_tn
My name is unimportant and my problem is (as I have researched) common. My partner is addicted to porn.I have caught him many times and the excuse is always the same,It is not cheating, IT does not mean that I don't love you any less, you satisfy me completely, it is just a guy thing.all of these reasons at this point mean nothing to me. He sneaks away on MY lap top that I use for work purposes after I go to bed and watches porn.On valentines day I got a card and he stayed up until 10:30 at night to masturbate and watch porn instead of coming to bed with me. Worst thing yet I had surgery on 2/28/07 and had to stay over night. He came to visit me for an hour and after going home I found proof that he downloaded 2 porn movies on my laptop and watched them (masturbated I am sure) while I laid in the hospital.Of course I am crushed, insulted, wounded so I confront him. We yelled, screamed. He tells me I am making a big deal over nothing. I persist , he grabs me by my throat and throws me up against a wall. needles to say I have stitches in my stomach already from surgery and he has never put a hand on me before. Empty promises are made once again and I am tired of hearing them. The other worst thing was that the surgery that I had was breast implants and a tummy tuck.Stupid right? I was a size 6 before surgery and am told that I am a pretty women.those who say that porn is just a guy thing have never realy been with a true addict.Now what?
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi Jazzben,

Porn is evil. I have been trying to stop watching porn for 30 years. I am totally ashamed and disgusted with it, but it always creeps in back again. There are web filters available such as We-blocker.com, but I am too shy to tell my spouse to put in a password. Sorry, but I think that pornography is the modern evil of so called free society.
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi Jazzben,

Porn is evil. I have been trying to stop watching porn for 30 years. I am totally ashamed and disgusted with it, but it always creeps in back again. There are web filters available such as We-blocker.com, but I am too shy to tell my spouse to put in a password. Sorry, but I think that pornography is the modern evil of so called free society.
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Avatar_n_tn
I had been a porn addict for several years and I realized that quite early but I never thought of it to be a major problem then. I, probably, was waiting for things to happen rather than taking action and I also enjoyed porn. Later after I got married I started to feel the pinch as I preferred porn  over sex with my wife. it started showing up in my wifes behavior towards me, it got to a point where she nearly divorced me. That was the wake up call and I started taking this porn thingy seriously and put in all my efforts to quit. It wasn't an easy job but my wife helped me throughout, she also introduced me to a discussion board http://www.throughtheflame.org where I found many people who were facing the same problem as myself and discussing with them help to a great extent as well.
You have to realize here that fighting against porn for an individual is a battle that lasts for a lifetime, first of all the person affected needs to realize that porn is causing problems to himself and the one he cares, if you can feed this thought into his mind then half the battle is won.

Regards
Christian
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Avatar_m_tn
When I was young I didnt need porn to stimulate me, I used to buy a video every now and then but after watching it a couple of times I smashed it with a hammer and threw it in the trash can.

That was then, now is now, I am 64 yrs old and still have a strong sex drive, my darling Wife is 66, she has lost her sex drive, we still get together every now and then but not very often.

My wife knows that I have a strong sex drive she also undestands that I have a need to relieve myself, she is fine with me doing that, she knows I look at porn, she also understands that by by looking at it I get pretty sexed up and finish what I am doing without much effort, I guess its all in the brain.

I understand what our friends have said above re porn and masturbation, yes in a way it is evil but golly its a whole lot better than having a sexual affair with another woman, or doing other filthy things.
I am one of the people that can control himself enough not to stray or expect my wife to perform like a sex pot (Yikes), to me I find porn and masturbation helps me to stay sane.

I think it is stupid to put every person that looks at porn into the same group, yes there are those that crave other things after viewing but I have a feeling it is the small minority, what I do by myself is no one elses business, I am not hurting anyone else.

To the young lady that has a problem with her BF watching porn, it may just be a fad as it was with me, I hope he gets over it, I am sure he doesnt need it when he has a willing partner like yourself, good luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
I posted the thread above but something just came to mind.

I have been married 3 times, had 4 defacto wives, one of the reasons why I used to watch porn was because I did not have sex with my partner as much as I would have liked.

I have already stated that since my teens I had a strong sex drive, each and every partner I had with the exception of my current wife (who I have been with for over 20 years) came on strong for a while then things started to fall off.

There is nothing worse than having a partner that you think is sexually compatible only to find out a few months later that they are not, OK early in a relationship love making can be just about every night, (Lust), then it drops off to once or twice a week, then Birthday, Fathers Day if your lucky New Years Eve.

Now I understand that it is not just a Guy problem, there must be an equal amount of Women in the same situation, I think it is very sad, also one of the things that help to push people into Porn, no its not just a Male addiction there are lost of Women that view Porn also.

Judging by my past experience being incompatible is a major problem, no Man in his right mind would force himself onto his Wife, I have always considered myself to be a considerate lover, always helping my partner to achieve orgasm before myself.

I have to say to Women and Men if you have a partner that has a much stronger sex drive than you do let them loose, tou are realy only asking for heartache later in your relationship, this sounds very harsh but realistic.

I loved every women I ever made love to, I am sure they loved me also, love is not enough to build a Marriage on, people have to have the same attitude towards sex and everything else that makes a Marriage or Partnership.

I have never expected a partner of mine to perform like a sex object, neither have I expected them to be available 24 hours a day for sex, I just wish I had known that some of my partners were trying to impress at first only to stop further down the track.

Ladies please dont jump on me for the above statement, as I said this applies to Women as much as Men.

Thank You.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am 32 and my husband is 49. We were just married this past summer. I recently discovered that my husband looks at porn while I am sitting in the same room with him. I discovered it by accident...he was sitting in our chair with the mirror behind it while he was on his laptop. I got up to get my own laptop and saw his computer screen in the mirror. He saw me looking (more like gawking, because I was in shock), and quickly collapsed the window that the picture was in. So he knows I saw what he was looking at. Neither of us said anything. I was in too much shock to say anything and didn't want to explode, so I just kept my mouth shut. Now, I can't help but notice that finding out that he looks at internet porn (even while I am sitting in the room with him) has changed the way I feel about him and the way I feel about myself (I'm sure he did this before we were married, but I never knew because we didn't live together). I am totally disgusted with him. I don't even want to sleep in the same bed as him anymore, and most of the time I stay up watching tv all night (it is now 4:30 am here) until I pass out on the couch. My view of myself has changed too. I am not ugly, though I now feel very ugly, and undesirable. I don't like sex much. I think it is boring, because I am one of the unfortunate women in this world who does not have orgasms during intercourse (I don't lie there like a dead fish either...I try to make him think I am enjoying it and I actively participate...I do not fake orgasm though, because that would only be a lie and an insult and I don't play that way). The only way I can achieve orgasm (with a partner) is through oral sex...which I rarely get because once he gets his, he just rolls over and falls asleep...leaving me to take care of myself. Now, even though I don't like sex, I have never deprived my husband of sex...in fact, if I ever want sex (I do crave the feeling of being close with my husband and I do want to make him feel good), I have to initiate it...which was getting pretty boring anyway. He never initiates, which, compounded by him looking at internet porn, just makes me feel even uglier and more undesirable. I feel like he is lying to me, and I am deeply insulted and hurt and even lonely. I keep wondering what is wrong with me that he would rather look at these strangers nude online than be with me. I have even gone so far as to just walk around the house naked to see if I could get ANY reaction from him and he just sits and stares at his computer. What kind of man would rather look at pictures online than take advantage of the naked woman in the room with him? And believe me, he is lucky to have me. I don't know many other women (my age...remember, I am 32) who would accept that he sometimes has a difficult time staying erect because of a medication he is on. I am very patient when it comes to that, and I have NEVER failed to get him up and make him explode. We got married in July and I can count on my 2 hands how many times we've had sex since then. We had more sex before we got married, when we didn't live together. And now if we do have sex, I will be wondering which one of his internet sluts he is fantasizing about while I am the one lying there with him. It is extremely disturbing to know that my husband likes to look at other naked women and to feel like he would rather look at them than look at me. I feel it is very disrespectful of me and my feelings...and make no mistake, it is damaging our marriage...which isn't even 6 months old yet. I don't even want to bring it up with him because it is Christmas and even though I already feel like garbage, I don't want to totally ruin Christmas. I guess I should bring it up after Christmas. And my next step is going to be to find his stash of pictures on his computer and delete them and his online bookmarks. I don't care if it annoys him either because I have been hurting for a while now. I feel like I can't trust him. I guess most guys don't see internet porn as a big deal, but to me, and I'm sure to many other women, it is just as bad as cheating. So don't try to tell me it's not a big deal, because it IS a big deal to ME. How would you men who don't think it's a big deal feel about your woman pleasing herself while looking at another man??? Sure, some of you wouldn't care, but I'm sure a lot of you would flip out just like I am...
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Avatar_n_tn
My bf looks at it. I used to break the dvds/throw mags away, etc. That feeling of first finding it sucks. Its like 'whats wrong with me?'...

But..

The way i see it , is, if hes gonna look, he'll find a way to look. The highlight is, its just some strange woman in a vid/mag, not a real woman in his bed.
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Avatar_n_tn
update...i deleted his collection of pictures on his computer and trashed his online bookmarks. he hasn't said a word about it. but he is still going online to look at porn...he isn't smart enough to delete his history, i guess. i have a hard time feeling anything but disgust. i'm not even interested in having sex with him anymore. i can't get into it at all. i feel like absolute sh*t that he can sit here and look at pictures of other women without their clothes on, while i am sitting in the room with him. it makes me feel like i am not good enough and makes me feel like i will never be loved the way i deserve to be loved. i can't believe i wasted all that money on our wedding...yeah, i paid for it. i should have just become the crazy cat lady instead...
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Avatar_m_tn
Give it a rest your getting paranoid and controlling.  I have a friend who is a dj and occasionally has don gigs for strip shows male or female.

And I've gone with lady friends to male strip shows and they've gone to female shows with me and then we've gone home together.  Big hairy deal.

If this is your biggest complaint, get a life.  I notice you don't say that you enjoy sex but you have to orgasm in some other manner.  You say that you PRETEND to enjoy it!

I am sure you are drop dead gorgeous etc.  But if you either read romances or pretend to enjoy sex can you blame a man for fanasizing about somenone who doesn't have to pretend?

Just do counseling.  You don't have to become the crazy cat lady, but do try to be a bit more realistic?

PS.  Did you date much or were you ever very sexually active before this?  You may want to look up the DEERS exercises.
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't fake orgasm. I don't fake sexual enjoyment. I participate in sex with my husband with the intent of making it enjoyable for him, rather than just lay there like I am feeling absolutely NOTHING physically (which is exactly what I feel physically...NOTHING). Yes, I did date before, and yes, I was sexually active before...in fact, I would go so far as to say that I think I am more sexually experienced than my husband is. He is very "vanilla" and not quite so adventurous when it comes to sex. I was with one of my previous boyfriends for nearly 7 years, with a very active sex life, and felt a little more than NOTHING during sex, but not much more. I didn't marry my husband because of his "prowess," but also I didn't marry him thinking that he was going to hurt me in this way either. And yes, it does hurt. I don't care how many of you say that it has nothing to do with the wife/girlfriend, it does have everything to do with them if it is something that bothers them. If I was doing something that hurt my husband like this, I would be sure to stop doing it! I talked to him about it the other day...CRIED to him about it...bared my soul to him about it...and yet, he is still doing it as if what I said to him didn't mean a damn thing at all. THAT is what hurts the most. I feel like my feelings don't mean a damn thing to him. It feels like he made his choice to continue looking at other women online rather than to honor my wishes and have concern for my feelings. I don't control him at all. I have no problem with him going out and having fun with friends without me or anything like that. It's just this one thing that bothers me so much...and I feel like he doesn't even care. I can't understand why he seems to NEED to look at other women online...and I can't understand why he would choose that over me. Feeling like he has such disregard for my feelings makes me feel differently about him and makes me feel like I can't trust him. His habits are damaging our relationship and I don't know if he even cares. It's also damaging my health, because I can tell you right now that my blood pressure at the moment is through the "effing" roof!
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Avatar_m_tn
Sorry I was just going from your post where you said.   "My view of myself has changed too. I am not ugly, though I now feel very ugly, and undesirable. I DON'T like sex much. I think it is BORING, because I am one of the unfortunate women in this world who does not have orgasms during intercourse (I don't lie there like a dead fish either...I try to MAKE him think I am enjoying it and I actively participate...I do not fake orgasm though, because that would only be a lie and an insult and I don't play that way). The only way I can achieve orgasm (with a partner) is through oral sex...which I RARELY get because once he gets his, he just rolls over and falls asleep...leaving me to take care of myself. Now, even though I DON'T LIKE sex, I have never deprived my husband of sex...in fact, if I ever want sex (I do crave the feeling of being close with my husband and I do want to make him feel good), I have to initiate it...which was getting pretty boring anyway. He never initiates, which, compounded by him looking at internet porn, just makes me feel even uglier and more undesirable. I feel like he is lying to me, and I am deeply insulted and hurt and even lonely. I keep wondering what is wrong with me that he would rather look at these strangers nude online than be with me. I have even gone so far as to just walk around the house naked to see if I could get ANY reaction from him and he just sits and stares at his computer. What kind of man would rather look at pictures online than take advantage of the naked woman in the room with him? And believe me, he is LUCKY to have me. "

It just sounded like you didn't like it, don't respect him much and really arenn't sur you like yourself much.
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Avatar_f_tn
I will be married 14 years this mnth to my husband who I found out this past year had a huge problem with porn.  I new he like looking at the pictures and watching that garbage on line but to an extent.  After a while I had a feeling something was going on, coming to bed late...ALWAYS on the damn laptop!!!  Anyway, I searched and searched, found stuff that shocked and broke my heart.  Needless to say, laptop in pieces OK.  Without God in my life, lots more would've been broken!  I called him at work told him I was out and took a shower, when I got out, he was standing there!  I have 3 children and mind you we were at the happiest time of our lives, I thought.  (he is military too by the way, will retire in a yr; 39 yrs old) This man was on his knees, crying, begging me not to go.  Blah Blah Blah.  I finally listened...heated! Long story short, He is a saved man and has changed.  We have gotten out marriage blessed and renewed our vows and he has been very loving. Trust and images are a big issue with me as also forgiveness. It is really hard to feel the forgiveness rather than just say it.  It will take time and this has happened 6 mnths ago. We have friends that have helped us and he has hung his head low with shame and went to a pastor. What I am trying to say is, Yes I caught him and I dont know if it wouldve stopped, but it did.  My husband loves me and he didnt truly know what he had until he almost lost it.  Now, I bought another computer for the home, the kids.  I have the password to get in and his email password.  Thats the way it has to be right now.  Not every man will change, but there is hope.  If the love is truly there and you have God in your life, nothing is impossible.  Some may not believe that but I do and I am still believing that.  He shows me everyday, but like I said, trust will be an issue for a while and my husband knows that.  He knows he f*****up and that this is all his fault but it will all work out for good.  Maybe it will make us stronger as a couple or maybe we will be able to help someone else get through a similar issue, I dont know, I do know that there are days that I hurt.  I know I never said what he really did, but it was an online affair, cyber sex maybe, whatever it was it was sick, but its over and we move on from here. (I guess I just needed to vent)...thanks!
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Avatar_f_tn
I will probably take my own life over the internet porn my partner watches. Lies, scenes, deceit are pulling my world apart and if women are lower than animals in the pecking order then I'd rather die.

Thing is I do get asked out even though this porn issue makes me feel hideous, utterly unattractive..  Too afraid to let anyone touch me now so death seems like a warm and comforting release. The last six months have been the worst of my life after finding all the porn links, shelled files non accessible extensions. I can't talk about it to anyone and can't stop crying. Mentally I am so tired of it and I wish he'd go away now. Something very bad is going to happen over this sickening abuse of women - both myself and the porn victims.

We are living in the dark ages with porn - essentialist discourse justifies this abuse in the 21st century and so many women suffer one way or another.  

I just hope I don't kill him before I kill myself.
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Value and respect life, because it is a precious gift and it is not yours take!  Porn bring in an evil to life and marriage. For people who have become addicted to it, it will eventually catchup to you and it has a force that in the long run be destructive.

Healing begins when we not accept this behavior and if necessary seek a conselor, but when someone is contemplating suicide over porn, it means that do not have the necessary coping skills to move out of this and forward with their life.

Counseling will help, but suicide is the cowardly way out and not the answer and it doesn't mean that the suffering will end there.
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I think you need to seek counseling asap.  I understand going through emotional turmoil, I have been there and done that but no where in all my drama did I ever think that it was worth taking my own life.  He isn't worth myself respect and my self dignity.  You need to find some strength somewhere deep down inside and go get yourself some help.  As far as the women who are in porn.  Well they make their own decisions in life and don't feel like they are being degrated, so you need to focus on yourself here and not worry about those women.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Its interesting to see a woman's perspective on this situation. I think not talking to your husband about the porn is a bad move. Personally, I myself look at porn and part of the reason is because it helps me last longer in bed. My current girlfriend is gorgeous and I wouldn't choose any of the stupid slutty airheads in porn to her. I'm sure your husband feels the same way. Most guys watch porn to masturbate, because there is no effort involved, and its a safe easy way to pleasure yourself, without having to worry about satisfying a partner. He was probably embarrassed when you saw the picture on his computer and is too ashamed to approach you about it.  You have to take the initiative and talk o him. Also about the sex drive thing....You most certainly can have an orgasm during sex if you can have one with oral sex, so if you find sex "boring" there is definitely something your husband is doing wrong. Its up to you two to find out what that is, and if not, go to a sex counselor. I also understand that you two don't have sex very often. I speak for every man when I say the more sex the better. TELL HIM that he should take the initiative more. I am sure he would like more sex. He probably won't take the initiative because hes to afraid of being rejected, and feels insecure about his "condition". I'm sure its not made any better by the fact that he can't seem to satisfy you in bed. One more thing: LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT CHEATING!! I have no idea why woman view this as cheating but it certainly is not. How can I be so sure it isn't? He isn't bringing home any diseases, he isn't kissing another woman, and you aren't leaving him. I'm sure if it really was cheating you would divorce him. Take my advice and seek a sex counselor....It will save your marriage.
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Avatar_n_tn
I've known two people who have had porn addictions (my husband and a boyfriend). This addiction, which only worsens in time, isolates the addict from his family and lover.  It is not a "man's thing" as much as the result of that man (or, in lesser cases) a woman who did not feel love as a child.  Porn is a way to feel in control and accepted by a "partner" who will not judge you.  It is a coping mechanism for men of low self esteem, and women who do not stand up to this addiction (and ask for serious counseling for him) or leave this person, are deemed as "codependents" (the reciprocal partner who also feels low esteem). Quite often, addicts and codependents are products of parents who have ignored or abandoned both types of addicts.  

As a personal survivor twice, I was at first confused by my husband's actions and thought it was my fault.  I actually experienced a kind of grieving process as those who lose people to death.  In this type of addiction, which is compared to being as worse as a heroin addiction, the neglected partner does feel as though they have "lost" their partners, much like the experience of death.  Yet, there is no closure, as the cycles of promises and lies to change this addictive pattern repeat themselves over and over.  For those women who are determined to stay in a relationship like this, you should look into a program called COSA which is for codependents of addicts and use a paradigm of a twelve step program much like AA.

As for me, it took me two years---inclusive of attempts at marriage counseling---to realize that this addiction carried far more importance than my feelings. I, teary-eyed and demeaned, just like the rest of you, filed for a divorce and suffered much verbal abuse which was another proof of his denial and pain. When I recently realized my boyfriend had this disease as well, I read the book "Out of the Shadows' by Dr. Patrick Carnes, which put this addictive behavior in clear terms.  I remained to try to help him for nearly two years, and when I realized he was pretending to get help while not giving up porn, I got out of the relationship as well.  

As women, we need to understand why we got in these relationships in the first place.  Did your father give you the love you need?  If not, you need to go to counseling to understand yourself and retrain your brains to understand, and hence, accept what it normal and healthy love for you.  We are victims of a patriarchal and "male gaze" visual literacy culture, which forces women to objectify themselves in order to be loved.  Don't do it with plastic surgery or otherwise.  Pornography is for the male gaze, and for women, it's a behavioral lesson in how to act like a porn star (most of whom were abused as children and feel unloved as well).  Get smart, look at this sad phenomenon as just that, a non-healthy way for humans to show love towards one another.  Get smarter, refuse to participate.


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Avatar_n_tn
Hopefully no other guy has to suffer ur over-reacting ways ever again. You seriously divorced your husband because of porn ?....Think about that for a second. Not because he cheated on you. Not because he abused you. Because he watched porn. Over-reacted much? I wasn't there so maybe there were (at least I certainly hope there were) other reasons for this. Also don't pretend like you know how males work. Most guys out there currently do or have watched porn throughout their life time. It can certainly be addicting, but it certainly isn't do to any lack of love as a child or low self esteem. Its because of the concept. All day long guys walk around looking at woman and possibly attempting to make a move only to get a slight look back, a head nod, but most of the time with the snobby uptight girls here in the US (speaking in general terms, I know this isn't everyone), they simply ignore you. Then you get home and there is tons of porn on the net where you can see girls who are probably 5 times hotter than the ones you were just ignored by getting naked and having sex. Its like getting a free peek, and more. This is a male's perspective. I tried to be as open and blunt as I could without being offensive...but I probably was. Either way this is something you probably don't want to hear.
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Avatar_n_tn
Yes I did.   I don't think I over-reacted at all.  Every time I left the house, he engaged into looking, writing to women, and putting himself on porn sites to solicit a cyber or possibly real solicitation.  In counseling sessions he became verbally abusive towards me for "finding out his secret."  He had abandonment issues with his mother, so he objectified and abused women to feel a sense of power to overcome his sense of esteem.  So this is a bit more information for you to reassess your judgment of me.  

If you feel rejected by women, are you approaching them as a potential sexual conquest?  Most healthy-minded attractive women would reject you, as they want honest communication, love and a sense of being protected.  They don't want to become a conquest, they want a partner. Try approaching a woman as a friend and someone you admire, and in time, they would accept you on an intimate level in time.  You don't have to resort to the omnipresence of porn to feel loved.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Ah that clarifies a bit more. You had very good reason to then. I was wrong. But you also misunderstood me. I was simply giving you a first hand look at what a guy thinks about when seeking the opposite sex and how porn comes into play. I personally feel there is tons wrong with porn itself, but I feel "watching" porn is for the most part harmless and thrown way out of proportion (which explains my outburst in the last comment). Personally, I am in a healthy loving relationship with a gorgeous girl (for three years now). I would never go on a porn site (or any site) to seek a girl for cyber sex or anything of that nature. I can see where your coming from. It was very wrong what your husband did but it is the act of "one man who watched porn" in comparison to "every other man in the world". Therefore you can't say "watching porn itself is wrong", but rather "other acts that may result from porn watching are wrong". Two very different things, and they don't necessarily go hand in hand. *Analogy* A man can buy a gun and never shoot someone. At the same time a man can buy a gun and shoot someone with it. Then again a man can shoot someone and never bought a gun in the first place (picked it up from someone who dropped it, stole it etc.) This being said "just because a man buys a gun it doesn't necessarily mean he will ever fire it, let alone shoot anyone. You should go easy on the next man you encounter. I assure you "every man has either watched or currently watches porn". Its natural to be interested in two people copulating. Cyber sex and writing letters is something completely different. Also one last thing. Whether you want to believe it or not, all men see the act of having relations with a women as a conquest in one form or another. If they don't then there is something wrong with them. The reason being, every guy tries to date, kiss, sleep with, fool around with, or have a relationship with as good-looking a girl as they can get for that purpose. To be honest most guys arent as "nice" as I am. I never take advantage of a girl, or lead her on. I have never slept with a girl I didn't care about emotionally. You need to realize in trying to obtain that really good-looking girls number, trying to gather up the courage to speak to that gorgeous girl from work, or trying to get a date with the girl of your dreams, every time a guy succeeds in this area it is a conquest. A goal reached. There is nothing wrong with thinking that. This isn't to say that women are "objects". This isn't what I'm trying to imply, nor ever would, but the act of "reaching" the courage to get a number, date, etc with a highly attractive female, who has a great personality is seen as a grand achievement is all I'm saying.Why would you date someone who you didn't look back and think "wow I really played my cards right and became lucky enough to be with this person" ?
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i dont see problems with the porn... i agree with broke.... I WATCH PORN EVERY SINGLE DAY !!....probably twice a day .... i still love my hubby like no other, we have sex all the time, and i think the porn even makes our sex even better.....

i just dont understand why people get so bent out of shape about porn, its always thrown way out of proportion....like broke said these women DO NOT replace you, doesnt mean they love you any less, and none of then would leave you to be with a dang porn star......

if the man starts to actually go on website to talk to other women and email and get in contact with these women then its different, if they are JUST WATCHING porn...whats the problem???
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Avatar_m_tn
Are we in the 21st century yet?  Just curious.

Is your husband watching kiddie porn?  Is he raping girls?  I just don't get it.  Guys like sex.  All guys.  Different guys like different things when it comes to sex.  Have any of you women talked to your men about what makes them happy?  Man just because you don't want to do something, or are ashamed of doing it, you make him ashamed for being interested in it?

I can understand if it goes way over the top, if the man has become non-functional in his life, loses his job, is just buying hookers left and right...but some straight up hardcore porn?  Come on.  My advice to the guys is find a girl from our century, establish a sex life that you enjoy, and build you life from there.  

Oh, I've been with my girlfriend, now fiance, eight years.  We watch porn together sometimes and then have a good time, and sometimes I watch it when she's not "responsive" to my advances and she tells me to go "take care of myself"...lol.  I love her, she's sexy and she knows it, and we have a lot of fun together.  We're not complete pervs in bed but we're not prude, generally a good fit for each other I think.

Loosen up folks, I think shame is the biggest problem here.  And to the men:  seriously, we're all doing it guys.  It's what we do, we're men.  Testosterone's a ***** fellas, but sex is the primary job nature gave us to do.  So unless our women would rather we run around sleeping with every girl we see...give us some sex, or some porn, and let's get some sleep. :)
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Avatar_m_tn
thanks for the information it helps me to make my essays
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I used to watch a lot of porn...one day my wife said "it's porn or me...take your pick"...that was 8 months ago and I haven't watched it since and I came to the conclusion that it is disgusting, abusive to women (who appear to be willing participants) and I can't see it benefiting couples.  I've known several people in the industry in various roles (camera work, "actor", etc) and when they started checking out my sister or my daughters I wanted to strangle them.  Most of the women get tossed out on the dust pile, or are addicted to drugs, booze or both...

To me the female body is a beautiful thing not to be treated as a playground for these guys with their baseball bat sized Johnsons and then moved on to the next filming of the day and then eventually tossed out.

My wife and I are still together, and I find the stuff disgusting now.

Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
My boyfriend looks at pictures of women; I found them on his phone. (together 7 years and a daughter) All I can say is - I don't like it and I will not put up with it. It's my life and I choose the sort of person I want to be with. I will not be pushed into believing this is right because everyone else feels it is. It hurts my feelings and that is not love.
I do believe in forgiveness and I have given my boyfriend the chance to sort his priorities out.
If I find another picture I will leave him, for your own self esteem you have to stick up for your beliefs. Nothing will kill you more emotionally than giving in.
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Applause to Marie787....



Jim
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Avatar_m_tn
i am 29 and porn/masterbation has become a problem in my relationship with my Fiance I have tried to quit in the past we have gotten into arguments over it and i have been like most guys in that i think what is the big deal. i have started to do some serious researching on this and done alot of thinking today I really do love my Fiance with all my heart I am a recovering aloholic and have almost 2 years of sobriety im learning how to be me each and everyday now. But i do have a addictive personality and i have always used alcohol drugs sex to hide my feelings. my dad was and still is a bad alcoholic he is 51 years old and is in jail right now because of alcohol i was pressured into being this perfect kid growing up in a jehovah's witness family isolated and moving alot growing up i was lonely and that is how i have always dealt with things was by being selfish and pleasing myself i guess what i am trying to say is that alot of underlined issues are a cause of the way that i do things and it is a selfish act I am trying and it is a serious addiction for some more than others. It is good to know that others have the same issues with masterbaiting and porn as i do. It's an ongoing battle especially in todays world wish me luck i know im worth it if she can endure till i lick this thing. My next step is to password the computer maybe porn software getting rid of some dvds and basic cable more than likely therpy as well as journaling just like alcohol it isnt worth it to me i love what i have going in my life and need to keep it going in the right direction thanks
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Avatar_m_tn
the thing with porn, like most addictions, is that it is exponentially growing.  In my understanding, it is rare for someone who watches porn to stop at "light" porn, or "normal" porn...there is all sorts of terrible, sadistic, utterly evil videos out there, that completely degrade women to less than that of an animal.  Over time, the "normal" porn becomes less and less stimulating, and thus, the person will constantly be chasing a new high, and a new way to get stimulated.  So, I feel that your boyfriend is way out to lunch, and thankfully, his immaturity is not a typical male reaction to the issue of porn...I think it is safe to say that most level headed men would acknowledge that it is an addiction that is wholly negative, which teaches men to view women as nothing more than a pair of breasts and an object of sex.  I'm very sorry that you can accept pornography as normal and non-damaging, as it has clearly ripped apart thousands of relationships, and produced a generation of selfish, gollem-like men, who hide in the filth of sexual immorality.  And to speak to the original comment.  I have struggled with pornography in my life, and I can tell you that it becomes extremely easy to justify the behavior.  I have told my wife and several friends that I struggle with it, but I still end up going back and always feeling like a piece of **** after.  I think, since it is such an isolating and solitary addiction, it is of utmost importance that a community of people can be there to support the person, no matter how small the community might be.  It might simply be a friend that your boyfriend can tell everything to.  At any rate, it is not normal behavior, and should not be accepted as "the way men are."  Besides, a real, pure man, knows how to treat a woman right, and would never see pornography as ok.  And being someone who struggles with porn, I know that it is terribly hard to shake and get out of that headspace, but it is certainly not impossible.  It takes honesty, vulnerability, probably a lot of tears, and an attitude of ownership.  If your boyfriend takes ownership of his mistakes and addictions, then he is on the right track.  Then there is hope.  
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Avatar_f_tn
My boyfriend is addicted to porn (among other things) that involves individuals that truly are nothing like myself and it hurts because I take it as he wants everything that I'm not. It's not immature to feel less worthy when your partner semi openly displays behavior that suggests you are not enough to feed his sexual appetite. I'd have to say that I don't understand how anyone wouldn't care, and believe me I have tried so hard not to, because if you take away sexual intimacy, then what is left? Not a whole lot.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have a major insecurity with porn. My ex husband was so badly addicted to it that it was a huge part of why I left him. In my current relationship which was going so great up until now, is beginning to fall apart because I found a bunch of porn in his web history on his phone. What upsets me the most is how muh detail I've provided him about the pain caused by my ex husband regarding his sexual deviances. He has a very clear understanding of how much PTSD I deal with because of it. He has blatantly lied to me,  telling me he loves me and that nothing would make him happier than to cater to the only thing I asked him not to do...he told me he had no problem not watching it because he didn't feel like he was giving up anything or felt it necessary....apparently not...I'm crushed I'm hurt and I feel like i did when I was married....
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi, I feel for you and others in this situation, as I too am in the same boat. But can advise you that communication is really important here. Have you approached him yet? Do you believe that this is an addiction. Personally if it is affecting his personal relationships or work, or even social relationships, by being disconnected, uncaring and grouchy, then I would assume it is. If you have not directly approached him about it, then I strongly suggest that you do so as soon as possible, if you feel safe to do so that is. If he denies any problem, then you have big choices to make on whether or not you can live with it. If he agrees that he has a problem, then you will both need to see a therapist together. A therapist will help you out with what direction to go from there. It is hard work, and a lot of patience is needed on both sides. It is also a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and you will need to be strong for the both of you at times, as it is a real addiction, and there will be withdrawals and so on. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.
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