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attracted to another man should i leave my husband?
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attracted to another man should i leave my husband?

HI!!! so glad i found this forum.. Hope to get some fresh opinion, please help! I have been married for over 3 years, no kids. Everything started from such a strong love... he proposed after three dates... we were married in 6 months. I am 25 years old now, and my husband is 42 years old... once upon a time, we used to have such a passionate and mind-altering intimate relationship.... however it's been so long ago... Now, we have sex once in three months. And i found myself in the situation when I am madly attracted to another man... with my whole heart and sexually...There is nothing i can do without thinking of him...think he is attracted to me as well (but he does not know i am married) and he is 24 years old we have more in common then i do with my husband. I now came to the conclusion that my sexual life with my husband is not going to improve in the future, and if i stay i will be stuck like this for the rest of my life... but i have so much respect for him
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Avatar_n_tn
There is nothing wrong with being attracted or fantasizing about other people. When those feelings become so strong that you can't control them, then there is a problem. I have been attracted to others throughout my marriage, but I know that I still love my husband. Gosh, you sound so much like me. I was 18 when I met my husband. He was 40. We are now 26 and 49, respectively. Our sex life has suffered dramatically, due to medical reasons, and I can promise you, if I didn't fantasize about others, I would have definitely cheated. You are the only one who can decide if you love him and want to stay. Is there any hope that the sex can improve? Are you attracted to your husband at all? Are you in a comfortable place and scared of change? If you do want to work on your marriage, I suggest counseling. We attended couples therapy and it did help. Oh, and does your husband know how you are feeling, not neccessarily the attraction to another person, but how you feel within your marriage? If not, maybe you should talk to him. Just remember, this is your life and you must do what makes you happy. I hope you work things out for yourself.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you very much for your comment and understanding... that's the point... there is no hope. We have tried different types of counselling... still, think it helped me realise that i am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore, and that i love him more just like a friend and companion. You are so right! I am indeed in a very comfortable place
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think there's some value in realizing you made a mistake,  you rushed into marriage without even knowing him,  and you married a man way too old for you.  

Since you don't have kids,  and it doesn't seem like this marriage has a chance of making you happy (and that means in the future,  he will also become unhappy by proxy) it might be time to admit your mistake and end it.

It doesn't have to be that you end up with the other "new" guy - in fact that's probably fairly unlikely - but if you're already this unhappy,  it might be time to listen to the voice.
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Avatar_n_tn
yes that's true...it might actually be the truth i have been avoiding... but how do you phrase it? how do you tell that to Him? do you leave to be on your own for a while? do you burn all the bridges right there and then? or do you take it steady, and leave yourself an option of coming back?..

i think what i am scared of is not knowing how many "frogs" i'll have to kiss before i find "the" guy... and then being back to this forum (don't get me wrong, i love this, it is actually the only place when i am so honest and open!!)  but with different question: "shall i end it, because he did not propose?" LOL!!! ... so confused now.. please stop the world i need to get off!! :) help! is it only me, or does every woman goes though these dilemmas?? how do you leave secure home? (well even "secure" can be questioned now)
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Avatar_n_tn
My sister is going through the same thing,with her husband.She has been married two times.The first marriage only lasted a year and a half.The second one has lasted 17 years.They are going to separate,but see each other on the side.He is in his fifties,she is 38.There sex life fell apart.He has been having trouble with his prostate,he more than likely has prostate cancer.They are going to separate after Christmas so that they can spend Christmas to gether with there daughter,who is having a hard time with this.I allso think that is another reason why,they are going to see,each other on and off,for the sake of there daughter.Your husband proposed only after three dates?He was looking for companion ship,not for love,to last.Thats what happened to my momma and daddy.They stayed married though,because they had three children.He passed away last year.My momma is now a widow.You where not ready for marriage,I think it would be best,to leave before you do have children,then you want lieve for the fear of not having enough support.Wait until after the first of the year,to talk to your husband,then you both decide what you will do,if you do it in the right way,you can still be friends,I think you all so don't want to lose him,with out being able to be friends.Do it in the right way,and there is still a chance of you two staying friends.My hubby is 16 years older than me,but we are very happy.If you are not happy,in this marriage,then do something about it.Like I said before wait until after Christmas.Have one last Christmas with him,for him and you.Hope every thing goes O.K. for you.Take Care.
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164559_tn?1233711618
Don't worry about finding "Mr Right", figure out who you are, what you want.  Pursue your dreams, reach for the stars and when the time is right you will meet the right one.

I agree that perhaps you married too young to someone who was too old.

I married for the first time at 35 and it was the perfect time. I had a rich full life when I met my husband, wasn't looking for a relationship, had stopped man hunting and what do you know, God sent me my wonderful husband.
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172023_tn?1334675884
I stopped man-hunting too, and look where it got ME!
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Avatar_n_tn
thank you ever so much for your kind words!!! it kind of gives me some hope... :)... i was thinking of talking to him after the New Year, i so don't want to hurt him..... he loves me...(and deeply care for him) also i know for a fact that he could be the best friend i've ever had!
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Avatar_n_tn

what is the right way? complete honesty? or soft diplomatic approach?

do you find the place to move first or do you tell first?

p.s. we do not fight at all, always discuss and compromise, however he is not even aware (not even suspicious) of me contemplating the seperation, so it will be like a snow in the middle of the hot summer for him...
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164559_tn?1233711618
I would wait for the New Year.  I would tell him before you start looking for a place.

I would talk to an attorney before you approach him.  Even the nicest guy can become a beast during a separation.

Firm, but kind is the approach I would take.  Make sure you know in your heart that this is exactly what you want before you leap.  And don't do it for this other guy....only do it if it is what you need to.


c
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Avatar_n_tn
i know this might sound crazy but ... yesterday i only had the urge to leave and start living MY life..

but today i have the second voice shouting back at me:

" what are doing! how are you going to make without him?! You are just bored out of head! Stay! You will regret it!!"

and there is a second voice screaming inside

"Free me!!! I want to go and live my life! See what life has to offer! You can make it! You will be happy! Go date or do whatever you can, if the problems were not fixed within last 2 years, they are not going to fixed later, that's how you will be stuck for the rest of your life!! Open your eyes!!"

I should go and see the attorney anyway i think......
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Avatar_f_tn

Hi Laurka,

I disagree with the other poster. Your husband sounds like he's never treated you badly so I think you should consider speaking to him before the attorney. The reason being, is that if you talk to an attorney first and he finds out, it will be a double stab in the back to him and hurt him even worse.

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Avatar_n_tn
I have never responded to a post like this before but as I read yours I guess I just don't understand. I always thought love was more than feeling something or a good sex life or being happy. I always thought love was commitment to a person unconditionally regardless of if my needs were met or not. Certainly we need to be open and communicate what we feel but unconditional love does not say I love you IF you meet my needs or I love you BECAUSE you make me happy. Real love says I love you period. In fact the true test of love is actually when our needs are not met. And going to someone else closer to your age that you FEEL love for does not mean in 6 months or a year you won't "fall out of love" again or he won't fall out of love with you. I would try to be open with your husband, have a heart to heart talk and try to work it out. Marriage is too sacred to just throw away. I am sorry if I seem insensitive. I really don't mean to be.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you everyone for your comments and advice, just wanted to let you know that i've had a very long and tearfull conversation with my husband when i told him everything about my thoughts and feelings and the past... and i feel so relieved! We decided that i would go and do some councelling sessions with the proffesional, who specialises in rape victoms first... to identify the root of my inner conflicts, and he would wait for me outside. Then going to get some sex councelling for married couples .. revamping the intim life. and if after all of these i still feel like i want to leave ...he will let me do that...but until then it's a big NO NO.

Guess what? after i've had an open conversation with my husband i don't feel anything toward this other man... or any men in fact! So strange... don't know why! Maybe this is what i should have done long time ago... I've got hope for my little family now! :)

xx
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Avatar_m_tn
You've come to the conclusion that your life and sex life will not improve??? The grass is greener where you water it. You seem to have ducked out. There are options still to try! Therapy- finding the right one for you both is the hardest part. Support groups, books, retreats, seminars- there's tons geared completely to reigniting love and passion in a marriage. Your committment should be there (and leave the coworker alone). If you cant stay faithful to your husband, then leave and stop being so incredibly selfish (maybe someone won't treasure me the same way?). He doesn't know he's treasuring someone who wishes to be with someone else, or at least not with him. It may sound harsh, but most people in your situation are looking for a way to rationalize reasons to go where the new passion is. I have been there! and although that guy I left my husband for turned out to be the biggest nightmare of my life, I eventually did accept that no matter what, I should live a life without my first husband. Thankfully, yrs. later I have found true love again. I say if you don't want to work at this relationship, leave and settle this part of your life before starting anything new...
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Avatar_n_tn
I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been going through something so incredibly similar. Except. I got pregnant young (with him) and now we have 2 kids. I have been trying to determine whether its my relationship with HIM I have a problem with, the life of socialization I WOULD have had had I not gotten pregnant so young, or the goals that I have set for myself havent been accomplished and Im feeling the unhappiness from that.

Every relationship goes through a rut every now and again. It happens. If you feel that this could just be a rut and possibly improved over some time and work then try to stick it out. I know its hard to get those feelings out of your head. Believe me..I know. But.. the grass is not always greener on the other side. I left for a short period of time and realized that it really isnt what I thought it would be. That I have a good thing here and I do love him (although he drives me insane sometimes)
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172715_tn?1285498090
First of all relationships that you leave a marriage for usually do not last.  Also men are not here to make you happy that is your job.  If you are not happy with yourself noone else will be good enough for you in your eyes.  The pursuit is always better than the catch. If your husband is basicly a good guy who spoils you then maybe it is just too easy for you, some people feel better when challenged. Just that sound like you?  Love is a choice, through good times & bad.  It isn't always going to feel like it was early  in the relationship.  Nothing ever does, like new jobs, new homes, new cars. There is a high that comes with newness. Try "dating" your husband again.  Think about what attracted you to him.  Get some therepy not a new guy, or you'll be in this place again & again no matter who you're with. Sorry to be so blunt but this is life not high school. If you want children & he doesn't, that would be the only real reason to leave the marriage.  But make sure you get therepy before you have kids, alone & as a couple.
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Avatar_n_tn
Laurka, I understand you perfectly well! I´m 34. Dated my husband for 8 years and been married 4. We are going through a difficult crisis because he works soooooo much and we´ve grown appart. And in all thius time that i felt abandoned i started having an affair with somenone younger than him, woth whom i feel i have more things in common. We are more  compatible no doubt. My husband works too much, doesnt laugh with me anymore and has no time to do things together. But offers economical stability. That is all. He is now trying to make an effort but i fell its too late. Im not in love with him. Sex has never been a problem. But his lack of interest and commitment are. Besides he doesnt want children and I do. I don´t know if leaving him is the right decision. I know marriage has ups and downs. But I feel Im waisting my life at home, waiting for him to want to do things with me. Dont get me wrong! I go out and try to stay busy. everybody need time alone. But i have TOOOOO MUCH time for myself!!! What should I do?
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377600_tn?1225167036
Your post made me think of my marriage...
My husband is always at work too.
Did you know he did not want kids before the marriage?

I talked to my husband repeatedly about the problem of him working so much and how he treated me when he was at home.  I realized he is just tired.  He apologized for his lack of care and now we both work on trying to make time for each other.

It is normal to want to stray when your husband does not pay any attention to you--affair or no affair--a marriage is a marriage.

You can make it better or you can let it suffer.

I once thought I wanted a divorce, but I realized that I just don't believe in divorce.  Divorce is the dissolution of something that cannot really be dissolved--vows taken for better or worse.

I'm happy with my decision, but you have to examine your own belief system (not just emotions) and find out what is the best decision for you.

Good luck with your process.

By the way, I have learned that being in love and loving someone are two different things...and the latter is far more rewarding:)
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Avatar_m_tn
I can't comment on this.  You said you are 25 and you used the term a long time ago?

The post just seemed shallow for me to get my mind around tonight.  Sorry.
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Avatar_n_tn
I feel the same way.

I started dating my husband when I was 17, im now 25. I almost left a few times because I was unhappy with the way things were going but he kept persuading me to stay and things would get better. I didn't want to become another 'relationship didn't work' statistic.

We had our first child 6 months through our relationship.
We had another child a few years later.

We have had a troubled relationship all these years, and I've found we don't really have much in common. Now we barely talk to each other although I try, he just isn't interested. We got married, we hoped this would help our relationship as we have been trying to work things out.

Our sex life however, is absolutely fantastic. I have always enjoyed it as much as he has, but I feel that our sex life is the only thing we (besides our children) have now. I'm worried that when the sex life dies, one of us will get bored and leave.

Its not working for me though, because I am feeling like I am looking for qualities he doesnt have in other men, and I feel so bad, but I cant help it because I am sooo unhappy here. Help! :(


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Avatar_f_tn
you knew what you were gettig into when you married you must have a great guy for putting up with you i know this couple  her husband had cancer the whole works they had to do a lot of things he cant have sex she regrets that he cant that was 4 years ago she is still with him she said she married him for better or for worse she is one great person and she does not run around on him. to me you sound like a selfish person and will probably leave in the long run   jo
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Avatar_n_tn
Hello all. I also can relate to your situations but I think that I am really in a mess at this point of my life. I have been with my husband for 14 years. We were highschool sweethearts so we are both in our thirties. 14 years and two very wonderful children and I still feel attracted to other men. My problem is that I have always deeply loved my husband and never got the attention or compassion from him. In fact my husband has a very bland personality, period. I met someone else a while back and my husband found out. We seperated for about a week and then he came home. And although I got back with him I am still seeing the other man. (I know, wow) The thing is, my husband is the hottest guy I have ever layed eyes on, he is also wonderful in the bedroom, but he just never talked and we really have nothing (besides the children) in common. I have never truly been happy with him but was always proud to be his wife and just felt that I made the vow so to bad. The new man in my life is the total opposite. He makes me smile and laugh non-stop, and we are almost too much alike. It is wonderful when I am with him. I feel amost complete. When I am not, I go insane trying to act as if I am still happy with my husband because yes i stayed with him for the children and for financial reasons. Now comes the dilema of not being able to look at myself in the mirror and feeling like a huge sinner. I would reccomend to anyone who is ever thinking of having an affair to just block the thought out and try to make your marriage work first. If and when it does not work and you decide to leave, do it. Then worry about meeting someone else because the troubling thoughts and inner fight you will experience is not fun. As far as my situation is going well, I still don't know what the heck I am doing but I can't seem to leave the other man and really don't want to tear my family apart but feel that it is the only option. Reading all of your comments though have really made me think that maybe I am just being premature on leaving and to give up my happiness for my family and eventually I will be able to rekindle something with my husband. I just don't know. I do know that counsling is not an option because he doesn't believe in it and if I tell him I am having any negative thoughts he will be gone. So if anyone has any advice for me, I would be more than happy to hear it. Thank you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think the song goes---has the new worn off of your crystal chandeliers, and does his ring hurt your finger when you go out at night if you are going to cheat, might as well go for the divorce , i do not think it is right to go behind some-ones back, might as well leave, and give the husband a chance to find someone else,I have seen lots of this, and they always think the grass is greener on the other side  jo
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Avatar_m_tn
Laurka,  I cannot urge you strongly enough to give absolutely everything you can to strengthen your commitment to your marriage, your husband, and to yourself.  There are so many reasons, I cannot begin to list them all.  But at the very least, you will be a better human being to learn the true meaning of commitment that is for a lifetime.

All humans are subject to being attracted to others of the opposite sex; Believe it or not, there is soooo much more to marriage than the sex; take it from a male of the species who loves sex as much as anyone.  We can go through life following our sexual desires from relationship to relationship, and never experience a relationship that grows out of being fully, 100% committed for life to another person, learning to trust and be trusted enough to be intimate on every level, accepting each other after becoming naked and vulnerable before one another in EVERY way; emotionally, intellectually, relationally, physically, etc.  You will find a fullfillment that exceeds any sexual fullfillment you can experience, which is deeper and more abiding; the foundation for a lifetime of love on a level that is apart from your sexual relationship, and will, ultimately, enhance your expression of sexual love for one another by adding a level of emotional and relational fullfillment that will still be with you when you are 55 like me, or older, and make you eternally thankful that you did not give up just now.  You will learn to love the person you become if you can learn to commit yourself to getting to know and appreciate the man you are married to; makign the effort to see and understand life through his eyes, and be willing to let him know you better than anyone else on the face of the earth.

Or, you could just bail out now and open yourself up to a world of pain and problems that take years to put behind you, and potentially exact emotional and relational scars that will affect every subsequent relationship you enter.

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Avatar_n_tn
My husband doesn't care enough about our family to work more than 20 hours a wekk.  He has no health problems.  He has it made-in-the-shade because he lets me make up for his lack of care.  I can't imagine complaining that he works too much.  Be careful what you complain about.....I'd switch places withyou any day!   Be grateful he loves your family enough to go out and do the work he does so well!
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1149921_tn?1297563513
Hi.
     First just let me say that love is an involuntary reflex that sometimes gets the best of us.  Women are individuals that search for what they need not what they want and this apply to not only the young but older as well.  I was married at an early age myself, 23 to be exact, and my husband 43. I tried everything in my power to gain back what we had when we were first married, but it just seemed the more I gave, nothing worked.  I am really not clear on what your situation is since that I have only been a member of this forum for a few days now.  We as individual need to focus on the future of our relationships.  Because the past is just that the past.  Mind you it will always be apart of us, but some things are just better left as they are.  Its understandable that you are attracted to someone of your own age.  Its even ok to have those feelings.  However, until the marriage is reconciled or resolved in some way, its always a good idea to maintain what ever professionalism you have left in you to try and get along with your current spouse.  So take your time.  I am sure that you will make the right decision.  Best of luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
Honey,  Let me tell you - life is too short, don't waste any more than 3 years.  I am 53 and my husband is 70.  I have stayed married to him for 25 years and should have left after 5 years.  I have fallen in love with a 41 year old and I am working on being out of here.  I have a second change at 53 and if you have a second chance at 25, don't waste one minute.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am living the exact same thing but reverse. My wife is attracted by another man.

We are happy together, we always communicate what we feel and want and I always try to make her happy in everyway. Travelling, romantic moments, having fun and going out as well as giving time to eachother seperatally.

We have been together 6 years now and I am still attracted and passionatly in love with her. But she is not towards me.. at least not as much as she used to. She told me she is no longer attracted to me and that she wanted to work on this issue. I started going to the GYM and workout and lost 15 lbs in 1 month and look forward to ''looking'' better for her but I fear that it is out of my control.

She said she loves me and wants to stay with me but I can feel it in her heart that she wants to live something I can't give her.

I see this like a child wanting candy. She is not acting like an adult but like a child just thinking of how sweet the candy would taste not realizing that she is losing something of greatest importance doing so. Our love and our commitment to sharing our lives and living a good life together.

My suggestion to you is ''know yourself' and work this out with your husband''. If he loves you he will do whatever it takes to make you happy. If this is too much for him then both of you will know that it has ended. But if it works out you will be very happy and all these feelings of confusion will go away.
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Avatar_f_tn
omg IM going through the same thing too! im 19 my husbands 23 and well weve been married for almost 2 years and ive spend most of the 2 years complaining about our marrige.... hes really not the person i thought he was.. but i met this great guy! he knows im married and he wants me to divorce and marry me... thing is ive know this guy since i was 8! and we just came across eachother after many years! and funny thing is that i had a crush on him when i was 8 and weve been talkking for a while one thing let to another before i knw it i was calling my husband my his name! he makes me feel amazing! like no guy has ever had before! hes o my gosh ooo soo wonderful!  hes an amazing guy! maybe it was him that was ment for me after all what do you think?
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1385069_tn?1279511123
Well, is been nearly 4 years of Laurka's post and still people posting comments. I wonder what happened. My story is so similar too. I am 40 years old and my husband is56, we have been married 12 years and have a daughter 8 years old. Our sexual life is almost nonexistent. I met a 32 year old guy and we been seing each other for a year. Sex is amazing with him, I never enjoyed sex as much as I do now. I am crazy about this guy and I love him. I been thinking about leaving my husband for this guy. My husband is been great during our marriage, great person, great father. He does everything for me, spoils me and cares about me. I love my husband but is more like loving a father than a man, I care about him a lot and dont want to hurt him, although I know what I'm doing is not right...There is no day that goes by without me thinking about what to do. I need to make a decision but i don't seem to be able to make one....What should I do?
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1310633_tn?1289313024
Old post, but obviously still a 'hot-button' for more than one person...

*You're 40 years old
*Your husband is 52
*You've been married for 12-years (are currently married)
*You have an 8y/o daughter,
*You've been seeing a 32y/o guy for over a year.
*Your husband is awesome and a great guy,
*He does everything for you, spoils you, cares for you, and you love him

I'm not sure what to say about this besides... FAIL.

You have an infatuation with a younger man, and I'd say that there's probably some mid-life crisis buried in there. Unfortunately, life isn't all about having fun all of the time (which you've found in this 32y/o).

You don't mention whether or not you LOVE this 32y/o... do you?

There is so much wrong with what you're doing, that words fail me at present. Someone else want to take this one? I'm a little disgusted...
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145992_tn?1341348674
You know the old adage "the grass isn't greener on the other side"?  Well that would fit here perfectly.  This affair is fun and exciting because it's new but that's all there is.  I don't know why people do this, if you aren't happy with your husband then why didn't you just leave him.  Instead you are doing something that will destroy this wonderful man and your child.  Have you ever tried putting in the effort with this new guy with your husband?  My advice is let go of the other man and try to reconnect with your husband.  Go to counseling.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I'll never understand cheating. There is NO NO NO NO excuse for it. No sex? Oh well, get a divorce. Honestly, if this were the husband posting this...I'd tell him to get a divorce, custody of the child and move on with life. He doesn't deserve it. HE deserves to be with someone who will truly love him and not use him. I feel sorry for the husband.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think anytime you say that you are married but have a boyfriend for sex, well--------- the marriage is over.  Frankly, your husband deserves better than that.  If he is a great guy . . . you should have attempted to fix the problems in the relationship.  Gone to counseling and worked really hard to try and resolve it.  If you couldn't, then it was time to move on.  Getting a new guy before then is really not appropriate no matter what your relationship is like.  Lack of sex with your husband is not grounds for cheating.  If sex is that important (which who could fault you for that)------- then leave the husband and pursue your sex life elsewhere.  

Not trying to be harsh, but that is the reality of this situation as I see it.  Good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
I have recently met someone that understands me in a way that my husband cannot. We are becoming increasingly close and have similiar feelings about were our relationship could go if I were not married. I have been married to my husband for five years now (together for eight). We have no children. We go months without sex and when there is sex there is no romance or communication. Since we have been married, he doesn't even consider my needs. He constantly ignores me and if I talk to him about my feelings he just tries to have sex not talk. We are  friends through and though and have a lot of other things in common, but no passion together or continuity in our life goals (ie....I want a family, he could care less). I am considering leaving him, but don't know how without losing friends along the way. Also, I don't know how to communicate my issues to him.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well Monach, it is impossible to have it all.  You can't stay with your husband just because you don't want others to be mad at you for leaving him.  You don't have kids and while being friends is nice, it does not mean you have to stay married.  If you cheat . . . you are instantly the bad guy with no other explanation for your actions.  How do you think your friends would look at you then.  So, you either try to make your marriage work and be rid of the other guy or you leave your husband and attempt to be with the other guy after the divorce is final.

Statistically, a relationship that starts while one party is still married almost always fails.  If you won't divorce your husband before getting more involved with the other man because it is the right thing to do . . . then be selfish and give your new relationship a better chance of making it long term.  

goodluck
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Avatar_f_tn
i have the same problem i love my husband he is 55 years am 26 i have never seen a man who treats me well looks after me like him but there is a problem we had good sex life before when we were dating but after getting married and having a child the sex life is gone its like i beg my husband to touch me or make love to me. he bought me toys but they make me feel disgusted when using them when he is lying next to me. if i try to initiate it he says he wants to go to sleep i want to leave my husband but i have a 2year old daughter with him i do not know what to do i have tried to get him go counseling with me he wouldn't go at all i feel trapped i need help  thanks.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am in need of some much needed advice because i need to hear other peoples opinions that are not bias. I have been in a marriage for 8 years second marriage no children together. We have always had many struggles in our marriage espeically with his ex-wife and daughter. He has always taken his ex's side and has never done anything about all the hardship and financial problems she has caused. He never put me first in the marriage over his exwife and over the years i have grown very resentful. I once had a very good reason to think that he cheated on me because of a picture i found in his car of an exgirlfried that he still works with everyday. Along with her picture was pictures of porn. I have caught him in repeated lies and do not trust him. He has been abusive too has never directly hit me but has been physical in many arguments. He is also a negative person and it brings me down to be around him, and can be very possesive The good side to him is that the last year or so he has finally listened to me as far as what bothers me in our marriage and is trying to be better. He is a good husband as far as he cleans, does things for me and i think he truly loves me. After all these years i have had enough have grown resentful, fallen out of love and have met someone else. He has been divorced for 6 years, a very good father, funny, smart, stable and is in love with me  and i have fallen in love with him. and he has recently asked me to marry him. The only drawback is he lives in my hometown in another state and i would have to move, he lives where i have family this part would be a plus to moving back there if i was to marry him. This relationship is 4 months old and i am still too afraid to make a decision. My daughter lives with me and I don't want to uproot her from her school but at the same time she knows im unhappy and doesn't like my husband at all..... HELP I NEED ADVICE... COMPLICATED
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Hi.  Yes, complicated indeed.  Well, first let me tell you that I never advocate for a new relationship to start before ending the one we are currently in.

Why?  Well----------- first, it is wrong to cheat.  Second, any hope of this new relationship working out is diminished by the cheating aspect as to how it started.  (statistics show that these relationships rarely last).  Third, trust between new partners starts out rocky as the new person in your life knows that if you become unhappy that you have no problem moving on into another relationship while still with him------------- so he will constantly doubt you (and maybe rightly so).  And in your situation, fourth-------- you have a daughter.  Show your daughter that you have mind over matter and can do things the right way.  

So, no.  You should not uproot your daughter and move to the new guy's town.  

If your marriage is over, then end it.  Then take a break to become your own person--------- not a person that goes from person to person.  Essential to regroup and think about what went wrong in the newly ended relationship.  Everyone plays a hand in a relationships demise.  So, what was your part?  You picked the guy, right?  So do some soul searching about what you could have done better in this relationship.  Also, think about patterns you've had with men and make sure you don't repeat it.  This soul searching takes time.  I'd say a year but I'm guessing you won't wait that long.  But at least six months.  Then you can begin dating this new guy.  DATING.  Not moving to where he lives with your child.  If he is dedicated to you--------- he'll also consider moving closer.  And moving right in together.  Please do not do this.  Live on your own with your daughter so she gets the message that we don't HAVE to live with a man to be okay.  

The above is my opinion.  Good luck
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Hi....

I have read through most of these posts and I would like to tell you a little about my story.

I have been married to my ex-husband for 16 years. At about 14 years I started thinking about all the things that annoyed me about him. He is a good man and has been amazing to me, but he is slobby and has bad grammar and never helps clean up... but he is so sweet and we never fought. We always worked stuff out. Anyway, I stopped being sexually attracted to him and thought I had just lost my sexuality. Then one day I started talking with a man at work.. we got really close and soon we were meeting to make out. He was so romantic (my ex doesn't have a romantic bone in his body), and I thought that was amazing. Anyway, one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him. I divorced my husband 3 months ago and since then have had insane amounts of anxiety. I have had panic attacks and a constant knot in my stomach. I just felt/feel that what I did was wrong on so many levels. My ex was/is such a great guy and just because I became bored with him, I started looking for excitement elsewhere. Well, here I am living on my own and I miss him so much. He said he would take me back in a heart beat if I would commit to him again fully. I am going to do that, cause the level of security that I had with him far surpasses the fun and excitement I've had with the other guy. I care about the other guy, but he will always be the man I cheated on my husband with. I will always feel guilty and hateful of myself. I want my life back and I want my loving husband back. I am going to figure out how to fall back in love with him and get my life back. Anyway, my point is... please do not cheat on him. If you feel you really need to be on your own. Talk to him and then leave.. even get a divorce. See how it goes. It might be right for you. OR the other thing you could do is go to couple's counseling and fix what you have now. It is really nice waking up to your sweet, familiar, comfortable man who loves you more than anything.
Just my two cents worth.
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Hi Laleaham - the person you are posting you posted this about 6 years ago - its an old post. If you want new posts, the first page of the forum are usually  new ones and you can check the date. :-)
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I do, however, thank you for sharing your story laleaham.  So often we get these posts from people with their heads in the clouds that do not understand the reality of it all.  You just want to shake them and say "wake up".  The statistics on situations that start like this are pretty clear ------------ very few make it.  I wish more people would read stories like yours to understand what their foolishness will end up doing to their life (and their kids.)  Thanks for sharing.
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So many people seem to be going through the same thing here and some brilliant advice, I wonder if anyone may have some experience in my problem.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, engaged for 2 and living together for about 1. From the day I started going out with him until now, I have never had the feeling of butterflies and there's never been any passion between us - we started our relationship having weekends away and having a laugh and we still have a laugh every day now. Hes my best friend and I love him very much, but we'd rather be sat in a pub somewhere having a chat than at home being intimate or being close etc.

However, I'm not attracted to him anymore and don't think I have been for most of our relationship but it's just becoming more apparant. We don't kiss unless it's a peck on the cheek and we sleep together about twice a month. He's also not very intelligent, which I don't wish to sound awful, but I have to explain a lot to him, sort out any problems with the house/car etc, sort the finances etc and it can sometimes feel like I'm speaking to a child. I ask for his advice and try and see if we can share some responsibilities but it ultimately comes down to me.

I've mentioned to him before that I'm not very happy with us anymore and think we may have fallen out of love but it's usually been when we've had a bit to drink and I feel brave enough, and the next day we don't speak about it. But I've been getting gradually more and more thinking, 'Is this really it for me now??!' At the same time, I do care for him a lot and think he's very sweet and cute and don't know how I could get used to a routine without him in it or not come home from work and want to talk to him about something.

I recently met someone when I was out on a girls night and oh my gosh I don't know what happened in my head but I can't stop thinking about him. Now I know you're probably thinking it's infatuation etc, but I don't really get attracted to other men normally and when I met this guy, I didn't look at him and think how attractive he was, I just thought I need to talk to him. Then before I knew it, he was saying the same thing to me!! We only spent about half an hr together, he took my phone number but I've told him I can't meet him at all until I know in my head what I'm doing.

Since then, I absolutely don't know what to do because it's just amplified my feelings ten-fold. This guy seems strong-minded, intelligent and as if he could actually support me emotionally, rather than someone I have to look after all the time. We clicked so much that I didn't even know it was possible and I just can't stop thinking about him.

I will not cheat on my boyfriend and I want to understand what it is I want and need so I can begin doing something about it either way. It isn't really about the new guy I've met because I'm not splitting up with or staying with my boyfriend depending on that, but it has just made me realise that there are men out there who I honestly think I'd be happier with (and therefore people who my boyfriend can be happier with too).

I just wonder if anyone has had the same experience and managed to fall back in love with their boyfriends/husbands? Or do you think he's just a good friend to me now?
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:( i need some advice...
I'm 23 my fiance is 52 ... I know i know AGE GAP! i've been with him since 17 and i was soooo in love with him and was up until 18 months ago yet things have gone downhill i'm so upset because i can't bear to hurt him and he wouldn't cope but i am so unhappy inside ...he has been amazing such an amazing person and supported me finacially and i can't do it without him... but i am never with him as he always works and his 52 turning 53! :( i was so stupud to think a age gap wouldn't end up being soooo hard
i am so lost , sad and feel like im wasting my life and staying out of guilt . He is the NICEST kindest person i have ever met with no family members alive and i can't imagine what it would do to the kindest loving ssoul he has if i left ...
Im soooo unhappy :'(
Im unloved as his not very affectionate and never has been (yet loves and adores me)
His been amazing but im now ashamed of our age gap it never used to bother me as i loved him   . ..
so lost i've always been so grounded :'( want to cry.
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I am 38 and so is my husband, we have been married for over 8 yrs and have been together for over 13yrs, no children. I went to my class reunion this past weekend and everybody complimented on how great i looked. One of the guys i use to have a crush on was hitting on me the entire weekend, we even slept together in the same bed, but just cuddled nothing else. Ever since i have gone back home all i can think about is him, he is everything i want in my life right now that i dont get from my husband. The marriage has been in a downward spiral for a couple of years now but i have never left because of financial security. I have been thinking more about leaving him so i could start over and hopefully be happy again or am i just wanting to rehash this weekend. This is my second marriage and staring over at 38 just frightens me.
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I think if you can picture yourself more with a future with the other guy than you can with your husband and if your gut tells you to and if you think you would be happier with this other guy then go for it!
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im in a relation ship with a girl but cant stop cheatin on her wit dis guy i think im fallin for him for all da wrong reasons he say he love me but i dont think he will ever charish me like she will she will die 4 me a he nos about her but she dosnt no about him she'll be devistated i dont no wat 2 do soo confused i love dem both for diffrent reasons i rarely express myself now im stuck wit them both and i no wats in da dark will *** 2 lite one day an i dont wanna hurt any body cuz i no carma isnt a joke wat should i do im scared~tears~
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As others have said, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I am not puritanical and not particulatly religious or anything about marriage, but it just takes so much work and effort and love to get one started that you should give it your best shot and not be selfish.

I find that there tends to be dramatically different advice given by people depending upon whether or not they have actually been able to make a relationship last for a while or not.

Those who have not don't really value relationships and say go and do what you want.

Those who have say relationships take a great deal of effort and sometimes you have really to try to keep them going and they take work.

Obviously, if the other person in the relationship is abusive or similar you need to put a stop to it.  But if they are honestly trying their best but sometimes things are awkward or the spark isn't there, do you honestly believe it is going to get any better in a different relationship?
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  Im in the same situation kinda, ive been married for 2 almost 3 years now and at first it was great the connection and the sex was perfect he proposed while we were intimate and because my dad was dying i told him yes but because my dad was dying i wanted him to walk me down the eile it was perfect now 2 years later i love him but not like i used to since we have been married hes gotton more how do i put it. Um boring, controlling, possesive, and well he treats me like a child i try and make my own choices and he gets mad and if i want to go out he constantly gets on me about being selfish because i want some time to myself i just dont get it im 24 and hes 34  like for example i went for a walk just to sit by the lake to think i was gone maybe an hour ya i made a phone call to a friend but thats it i got back home and he automatically jumps to who did u call what was it a bootie call and ex... I never thought about cheating not once… now i have a different friend that i litterally dream about every night and weve talked and he likes me but hes scared of my husband lol so he wont talk to me anymore and it bugs me i dont know what to do.
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who ever you are your correct based upon the evidence thats compailing to see what about truth honour loyalty intigerty these are the top greatest attributes not respest because marriage is of god not philosphy what ever makes you feel good this is a atheistic veiw on life your own opinion not absolute truth or fact again not what i think can a man or a woman place their exposed face before a fire then placing their whole face and head in the fire without being brunt? no comman sence the same about commiting adultrey its wrong another man in the frame work this woman might as well and place her mouth on a live electric ell are place her lips on a live power line and kiss it see how wrong it is absolutely wrong commen sence think about it is there enough water in the universe to put out the suns power ?no
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Im in the exact situation as u got married at a yound age i was 23 and he was 46 now im 24  his 47. And we dont have  sex he  has a drinking problem and it stresses me out  cause we fight all the time i have no friends bcus of that he embarrasses me infront my friends i cant bring my friends around him or my home he doesnt want help so lost all feelings for him   I was lonely i met this guy who is 23 and we  have same background (caribbean)  we have so much in common up our moms have the same name  ( no we not related in no way ) i can be myself around him but he doesnt know im married and im in canada his in new york He does everything my husband never did i wanna b wit him . He makes me happy and always proves dat he really love me .  At this point i dream about him  a life wit him and can see myself being happy wit him.  As for my husband i jus appreciate everything his done for me but i dont love him
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i am 24 and my husband is 26, we have been together since i was 18 and he 20, we moved in together very quickly, i wanted to get out of the house and he wanted to control me, i didn't realized it at first until he was screaming at me because i'm to friendly with other men, he said he trusted me but he didn't trust other guys. It went from bad to worse, i told him i was raped when i was younger and he was sorry to hear and so on, but then he manipulated me to choose between him and my friends, i'didn't want to but i did, i chose him. One of my friends were a guy, he was my best friend but he was to "young" altough we were the same age he was like not ready for a serious relationship. I admired that, but i lost all contact with him. I was so tired of being accused of cheating, that i stayed indoors mostly. Then we moved away, my husband promised me he will help me study for a teacher, and yes i did one subject and then the money ran out. I was stuck without a job, without friends far away from my family, i didn't had a kar or my driving lisence. Well out of the blue my husband invited his father to stay with us, it was terrible, every night they would sit in the kitchen and drink alot until 4 in the morning, i got bored, he was just talking to father, and if i tried for some 'us' time, or for money to feed our pets his father would say "its my son's money he would do whatever he pleases with it" so i butt out, i stopped cleaning, i stopped preparing meals, and did only my own washing, i was determined to move out, i packed my bokses, talked to a friend. Then i told my husband im moving out.... he threw a fit, asking me way. I explained to him, so he told his father to move out. So i stayed, he said he would kill himself if i left. Few months later my mother had no place to go unlike his father who owned his own falt, we took my mother in and helped her with her divorce, i still felt empty. My mother and my husband decided that were are going to move back were we came from, but my mother should stay with us period, i disagreed, but they did it, we moved with my mother back to the city, everything was fine, but my husband didn't want me to find a job, he said if i found a job i would leave him, thing werent right, he started drinking heavely, early in the morning he would visit his father and thay would start drinking, he didn't spend time with me altough i pleaded for his attention. He and my mother got into an argument and the vibe in the house was awful, i pleaded to fix thing with my mother and he did for my sake, but he started to lie about how much he is drinking. I stopped trusting him, it got so bad i didnt want to sleep in the same bed as him, he revolted me, then he lost his car in a accident and took it hard. He started kicking our furniture, breaking my mothers furniture. I want out this is to much. We want out one night, and i saw my old friend again the one who i lost all contact with many years ago, we clicked again and we could talk about anything without guilt and judgment, i felt free. We chatted on mixit, and my husband found out not like i was hiding anything, if asked i would have told him but he was so busy getting wasted and crying over his car. Well again he threw a fit and accused me for having a an affair, i denied of course, but i still chatted with my friend while my husband was sobbing over money a car ect. I decided i would leave him as soon as i found a job, well i tried everywhere but no one want me, i have no experience what so ever, i m stuck. New years, we went out and my mother and husband had to much to drink, there was a big fight, i told my husband to go to father's house because it turned violent, after i was treated in hospital for a concussion. I told him to go and it was so hard, he cried and tried to hang himself. His sister help him to get the treatment he needed for depression, i told him that he must find his own flat and move out, but we cant pay the rent without him. Now he is in hospital getting help, but i'm done, i cant take the emotional abuse no more, before he went to treatment, he said pretty harsh thing to me like " i layed with my legs open to be raped" he was even jealous about the rapers. The first day he was in treatment i felt free, i asked my old friend to come and visit, and we laughed and joked about old times. Then i visit my husband in treatment, and he was determinded to move back home when the terapy was done, but i dont want him home, i am free finally. My old friend invited me over and we had so much fun, and then it happend we slept together. I was faithfull always and i cant believe i did that, not only have i ruined my friendship of 9 years but also my marriage. My friend has commitment issues, and i would never have left my husband for him. But now i'm am dirt, my husband doesn't know it, he still in terapy, but how do look him in the eye? I still want to move out because my husband wont, but what about my mother? I cant leave her there... but i can only move out when i have a job. My husband is really trying but i fear its to late. What should i do? I know its just a question of time before my husband will start asking me questions, and stuff. Im am stuck again... and im ashamed! Any advise?
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The good thing is that you are not married and don't have kids together. I am 31, my husband is 49. He's a good guy and he loves me unconditionally. We have 3 kids and have been together for almost 9 years (married for 3).

I too did not think about the age gap and now that I got a bit older and am discovering who I am, this more mature person that I am thinks differently. That... on top of me being bipolar is changing or altering my feelings. My husband; however, wants to be with me... regardless of my health.. and that's unconditional love. I am his 4th wife, and I feel that he's done a lot before and lived his life. Where as I've been in a relationship all of my adult life and havent had a chance to have fun or come and go and just be ME!

I dont want to hurt him, and I have to think about what we've built together, our kids, etc... Sometimes I want out, but sometimes I dont because of all that's at risk. I'd hate to leave a good thing and then end up with nothing...
So trust your feelings... don't get married and make it worse. I had doubt before I had my first child with him... I had doubt before I got married... and I still married him because of "love"... but love can be a misguided feeling that can pass after reality sets in.. I'm not saying you don't love him...
Just be honest... and end it before you are stuck in a marriage and still unhappy.
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i've read all these posts desperately looking for advice, and realize there is no cookie cutter answer because everyone's situation is different in some way.
i'm going to share my story, with the intentions of getting some real life advice without getting a lot of negative feedback. i know what i have done was wrong and terrible, but i am desperate to overcome this.

I'm 26 and basically been with my husband since age 14- he is 4 years older than me. i had some short times while we were taking a break and I did have some other sexual experiences besides him. I realized that what we had was special from the start of our relationship

so we've been together for 12 years and married almost 7. I knew exactly the person he was before we were married, and he knew exactly who i was as well. we took our time together to make sure we were absolutely right for each other, because marriage is permanent- in both our eyes.

We finish each other's sentences, have all the same interests, and really have a great relationship. I feel comfortable saying he's my soul mate. he would do anything in the world for me, and has transcended my shortcomings as a wife (don't like to cook and clean and all that stuff).

ok- so here's the problem. I went off birth control in order to get something non hormonal because of health problems the birth control was causing (we have no children). i have been on some type of birth control since 17, and always haven't felt totally healthy.

Well now, I have all these hormones! I feel like a 18 yr old boy in college. i never was about going out an partying, and now i want to go out every night and drink. I feel like i have become a different person in social aspects. I am seeking the excitement- the butterflys, the fun of how we were when were young.

He is an attractive man, and i was attracted to him from the beginning, but he is not in shape anymore- nothing totally disgusting though. many women find him very attractive. I'm having a hard time finding that feeling.

My sex drive was non existent while on birth control- and now it's insatiable. i think about it all the time, we are having a lot more sex also. But i don't find myself desiring him- just the act and feeling.

i was raped about six months before I met my husband (age 14). that's a whole different story.... so after that i had the mindset, well my virginity is gone now, no going back. so i found myself at that young age wanting to have sex with a boy in order for him to like me- not necessarily romantically, i just wanted them to think i was cool to hang out with. i had sex with 2 different older boys in order for their attention, unsuccessfully.

So at this point, that experience has made me mentally detach myself from sex, as in just because i have sex with you doesn't mean i want a relationship, just for fun. i can honestly say that I would let my husband to have sex with another woman (of course me knowing about it) and not be jealous, because our emotional connection is something that neither of us will ever find again- and we both know that.

so here's what you've been expecting this whole time, i've cheated. Two mutual friends, also married, that i just enjoy their company. I think about them all the time- the excitement, what i want to do next time, and so on. but i only want to be friends, i don't want to marry them, just friends that can have sex and not be weird about it- no emotional attachment.

Well of course this is eating me inside because i know that my husband would never want to be with another person and very attracted to me still. i know he doesn't want to be with anyone else because i asked him if we wanted to try that in order to keep our sex life exciting. I mean the man turned down a "hall pass" and he still has a very high sex drive.

all this guilt though, i've done it more than once. How can I keep doing this to him????  I can't imagine my life without him- we have so much fun together and are so compatible- i love him very much and would never want to hurt him- so why did I do this???????

my moral compass is off- i want to have my cake and eat it too- because it's just physical, even though i know this would devastate him if he were to find out, but i still feel like i want to have sex with these other men still. I know this is so messed up- i don't need you to tell me that.
I just want to know how I can get that passion back with my husband, so I won't need to think about sex with another person. I'm looking for advise, hopefully from people who have been in this situation, on how to overcome these feelings i'm having to regain control of myself and get back in this marriage wholeheartedly. please help
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Hey Laurka.... you wanna hear my story ?????? And any one else out there ??? I've been married for 25 yrs OK ??? Found out my wife had an affair (very short lived) about 12 years ago, have 2 children that are collage age now, I've asked her to come clean with me but she denies this ever happened.So for the past 12 years I've lived with this in the back of my mind,the reason I stayed with her was for the sake of my kids,when my daughter guraduated from high school she was accepted to a very "high level "collage. When my wife found out how much my daughters tuition was she did'nt want any part of the cost and left me. So now ,I'm living at my parents, sleeping on the couch,I'm shelling out $1,000 a month so my daughter can have a collage education,because of this I can't afford my own place,oh yea I'm 56 yrs old,and i havent seen my wife in almost a year, so you think you have it bad ???
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