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attracted to another man
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attracted to another man

I am 28 years old I have been married for 8 years and have 2 children with my husband.  For the past year and I half I have been feeling like something is missing in my life.  I can't pinpoint what, but I feel very alone.  My husband is quiet, he doesn't like to talk....he doesn't get me to talk...we have nothing in common except for our kids.  We have pretty  much a friendship not a marriage.  For about 6 months now I have become great friends with another man.  I do not have serious feelings for him other then being sexually attracted to him.  He makes me feel good about myself.....we talk alot, he gets me to talk about things....I have something with him that I have never had with my current husband.  We have touched and kissed, but have not had sex.  We both wanted to but I kept on thinking how that is wrong, I know it was wrong to touch and kiss as well....but it felt so good to feel like that again.  I am very confused.  I know I was not ready to get married when we did at 20, I know I should  have waited....but I can't change that, and I don't regret it because I have two great kids with him.  My feeling are just really changing.  I used to want to spend time with him, I used to really miss him when he is gone....well I don't anymore.....maybe its because of this other guy.  I don't know.  I don't want to break up my marriage, but I also don't want to loose this guy who is a good friend, adn who makes me happy.
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184674_tn?1360864093
Have you thought about getting into marriage counseling?

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel, regardless of the fact that he doesn't like to talk? He may not like to talk, but this is something he should know since you're his wife.

I think you need to tell him that you feel so much is missing in your marriage, and that you're feeling drawn to someone else because of it, but you don't want your marriage to end and you want to do anything you can to fix this. Ask if he'd be up for couseling.

And I think you should cut off contact with the other guy altogether, or at least until you get this issue resolved with your husband. He is a temptation you don't need right now if you have any interest and care to save your marriage.

Best of luck to you.  -AJ
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146191_tn?1236881412
definately, if you are going to work on your marriage, you need to cut off all contact with the other guy completely. if you feel you're marriage is over and you want to continue to see the other guy, you need to come clean with your husband. you cant have your cake and eat it too.

if you haven't shared how you feel with your husband yet and haven't worked on your marriage to date, then why not give your husband a chance and try to better your marriage? maybe if he knew how you were feeling and what you feel you're "missing", he will try to give you more of what you "need" out of your relationship that you are currently getting somewhere else. like i said though, if you are going to try and make things work with your husband, you gotta get rid of the other guy.

good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
I would like to add have you thought about what your children would think about you when they find out?  
This is a classic case of a marriage taking a back seat to children, you can't let this happen!  You need to get rid of that other guy and never see him again.  You then need to put that effort into your marriage.  One thing I have learned is that it isn't all just one person in the marriage, it is both.  You both have stopped putting the effort into your marriage.  Marriage isn't 50/50 it is 100/100.  
A year after we had our kids, we weren't communicating well and not having as much sex.  I got a book and read how to be a loving wife to my husband.  
If you want intamacy back in your marriage you need to start it and not wait on your husband too.  I did this, and guess what it worked.  After I started it, my husband followed along and we got it all back and more.  You have to realize that if you really want your marriage to work you must take the first step.  If that means going to a marriage cousloer then get going.
You also must be honest with your husband about this other man.  If not you may never get what you had with your husband back because you will feel horrible.
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Avatar_f_tn
Any relationship with the new guy can't work because of how it was started--while you were married. Even if you got together with him, you'd have guilt, he'd have guilt and then you would both wonder if some day the other was going to find someone else. If he truly respected you and your marriage, he wouldn't be with you...he would wait if nothing else or disappear if his feelings were that strong for you. The deeper you get in with this new guy, the harder it will be to get out. People fall for other people all the time--your marriage vows won't save you nor will your children--but your commitment can.  Before it goes further, try and work on what you would want as the ideal relationship with your husband and get some counseling. If he is not treated you right, make sure you address that.You change so much in your twenties that what you are going through is normal but also there are changes in marriage that naturally take place--the feeling of falling in love is replaced with friendship and a deeper appreciation for the other person. That feeling you have with the other guy could end up in the exact same spot you are now--the problem is, you could be without your kids, without your husband and just as sad as you are now--and full of remorse and guilt. If you really don't want your marriage, then do something about that, but if you think there is a chance, get some counseling before your infatuation and feelings for this new guy are so overpowering you can't think straight. All the best...
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Avatar_f_tn
sorry, it should read "if he is not treating you right" :) ooops.
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Avatar_n_tn
thank you to all who responded.  Yes my husband knows about the other guy......he knows that we are great friends and that I can really talk to him.  I've also told him that we have gotton closer then we should have.  I am no way interested in having a realtionship with this guy, I would NEVER leave my husband for him.  He has just given me a little  bit of something that is lacking from my marriage.  (attention) So most of you say that I need to work on the marriage....both of us needs to work on it, and get counseling.  We've done that.  Things change for a few weeks, then it goes right back to where it was.  I'm not sure what else to do.  I tell my husband that we need to fix things and help our marraige....but he thinks nothing is wrong.  He is happy the way it is, and thinks I should just get over it.  However, by "getting over it"  I would have to ignore my feelings, and my happiness....I think I deserve to not ignore my feelings and happiness.
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Avatar_f_tn
Can I ask you how old your children are?  I am telling ya that what you are experiencing is actually normal in a marriage.  It happened in my marriage a couple of years ago when our children were really young.  My husband didn't think anything was wrong with it, but I felt alone.  However I rode it through and I worked on it like I stated earlier, and my husband then did too after I started it.  Things aren't always going to be lovey dovey in a marriage, and there are times this happens.  You can't go outside of your marriage though.  I am confussed about that you state your husband knows about this other guy, and does mind.  Does he know you have kissed this other guy?  
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Avatar_n_tn
My husband knows that I am friends with this man.  He knows that we talk alot and that I enjoy his friendship.  He understands why I enjoy talking to him so much since he is not talkative.  We have gone to get help in couple therapy and we have gone individually as well for years.  He is just not a talkative person, he deoesn't get me to talk and therefore everything is kept inside.  I have always found it easier to talk to a man, and I have many male friends.  My husband is ok with that.  We  believe that just because we are married doesn't mean we can't have the opposite sex for friends.
I do feel very alone.  When something is bothering me I wish I could just talk to my husband, and I wish he could talk to me and have a good conversation....but we can't...when ever we get into talking about feeling and emotions he shuts down, and no councilling has ever helped that.  I am attracted to this other man because I can talk to him...he gets me to talk, he LISTENS...HE TALKS.....I have this type of reationship with other male friends, but this one....I am getting getting attracted to.
My children are under 6......he doesn't know that I kissed the other man....but he knows something did happen.
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Avatar_f_tn
You sound trapped in a bad marriage.  You can't talk to your husband and it doesn't look like that will change.  I think it's only a matter of time before you and the other guy your messing with start up a full fledged affair.  You are only kidding yourself if you don't think that will happen.  You're not kidding me, I've seen this happen just like it's happening with you right now.  It's only a matter of time.  You are playing with fire and you're going to get burned emotionally.  

Another thing, the "friend" you are messing with, what type of person is he to be messing with someone elses wife? Think about what that says about him - this great wonderful "guy friend".

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Avatar_f_tn
If you are unhappy in your marriage, then leave.  If you want to save your marriage, then get rid of the other guy.  You never solve problems with a marriage by going to another man.  
It's like you feel no remorse for having an affair?  Yet you are still bad mouthing your husband.  I am sorry but if you were a guy posting that you are messing around with a woman behind your wifes back, every female on here would be at your throat.  Yet it seems like everyone is stating that the husband is the one with the issues. Every marriage has this problem, and it does work itself out.  If you don't want to wait it out and work on your marriage, then don't but I am sorry what you are doing isn't right and you shouldn't be doing it.  You have children with your husband, and you owe your children a little bit more then cheating on their father.  
I have been married for over six years and have two children, and yes marriage has ups and downs, but you work through them and if you can't then you file for divorce.  
I personally don't think you or your husband knows the true meaning of the vows you both took on your wedding day.  
You state that your husband and you both have friends of the opposite sex, well aren't you pretty much confirming the fact that you can't keep your male friends FRIENDS?
Again I am sorry, but not every woman goes outside their marriage because they are lonely.  There are different stages of marriage, and if you can't get through them, then marriage isn't for you.  Life isn't full of lust every day that you are married.  Heck do you not get it that a man and a woman show their love for eachother differently?  
You should put a little bit more time and effort into your husband and get rid of your male friends because you can't keep the line drawn on that situation.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am with laura1977 on this.  I think you are the one with the bigger problem then your husband.  You are the one messing around with your so called friend.  I personally know if I messed around on my husband that I would be out the door.  Maybe your husband needs to get on here and start a post regarding his wife cheating on him.  
You shouldn't have male friends because you can't keep them as friends.  
The thing is you are making excuses for yourself and putting all the blame on your husband.  Typical, cause that is what males do when they cheat on their wives, they say they were LONELY and their wives weren't giving them what they needed.  
SHAME ON YOU!
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Avatar_n_tn
Wait till your husband finds out what you did, then he kicks you out and leaves you.  Give it time, and then you will miss what you are complaining about right now.  Always happens that way people think the grass is greener on the other side.  Stop and think about it.  When you first started dating your husband it was talking and lusting all the time probably.  That is the way every man is, but they don't keep it up usually.  
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154765_tn?1237251544
I think you are thinking about yourself not your children.  I been married for 10 years now and I feel lonely sometimes but I wouldnt even think about being with another guy.   I have male friends but I couldnt  even think about having a relationship with them.  Dont blame everything on your husband cause you have feelings for another guy.   I had problems with my husband and we are working everything out. For our marriage and my boyz.  I totally disagree what you are doing but that is my opnion.....
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Avatar_f_tn
You are developing an emotional bond with the new guy, which can be more dangerous than any other bond. New guy will only solve your problems of loneliness temporarily. If your husband truly does not care you have a bond with someone else and is not fighting for you too, then that also tells you where his head is at. Beyond counseling, you need to date each other again and deal with these issues. I suspect strongly that you will end up with new guy, your happiness will be temporary and you will find the next person who fulfills this for you--the cycle will continue. If nothing else, break it off with the DH if you truly think there is no hope but don't try to have both relationships on the go.
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Avatar_n_tn
She stated that her husband doesn't know that her and this guy have messed around.  So at this point and time, her husband wouldn't be fighting anything.

See this person sounds so much like my new neighbor.  She has been married 4 times, and each marriage lasts no more then 7 years because she gets bored and finds another guy on the side, then leaves that husband for the new guy, and has kept on with the same thing through the guys.  Now she just moved in with my neighbor whom she met at work while married and had an affair with him.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes, her husband does not necessarily know what is going on, but she did say her husband was well aware of this guy and how much they talk. I do think that most men (if they were connected to what was going on around them) would at least get some hints that something was up or that their wife is detaching themselves from them.  

Anyhow, whether he does or doesn't, she knows what is going on and I agree that her situation will end up like your new neighbor's situation, which is sad for everyone involved. Looking for love or attention this way only will end in heartache.
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Avatar_f_tn
well said waitingwithhope.  I completely agree with you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I just need to tell you one thing. Anytime there are more than two people in a marrige... it does not work! You made a vow to this man, you should exhaust ALL means of trying to save your marrige BEFORE you cheat on him. How would you feel if the tables were turned?

Good Luck.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok that sounded a bit wrong...what I meant to say is exhaust all means of saving your marriage and if that does not work, then I suppose divorce is in order. Cheating is never OK. I do not believe that people put enough effort into marriage. Like anything else in life that is "worth while" it takes nurturing, patience and lots and lots of work. All marriages have good and bad times. I myself have had HORRIBLE times in my marrige. We worked through them together, day by day. Sometimes I was lonely, sometimes he was lonely. Sometimes I thought it would be easier to NOT be married, and he may have thought the same. What I am saying is....... This man that you are "fooling around" with obviously has NO respect for your marriage either. If he was any kind of man at all, he would not participate in this trist with you. Is that what you want in your life? If you feel like divorce is in order then get do it, complete it and move on. But, you really should consider the big picture here. What about your children? Where do they benefit from the divorce and a new man in Mommys life who was a third wheel in their Mom and Dad's marriage. Not good dear. Rethink your situation please.... be an adult and realize that this is not right or fair to your husband.  
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Avatar_f_tn
MAYBE YOU NEED TO TRY TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO NOTICE YOU.  NICE LOUNGERIE, PERFUME.  TRY TO LOOK YOUR BEST WHEN YOU ARE AT HOME.  TRY TO ATRACT HIM, LIKE WHEN  YOU WERE A TEENAGER AND YOU WANTED TO GET NOTICED.  GO WITH HIM  ON A ROMANTIC VACATION OR A FEW DAYS OFF FOR A VACATION.  PLEASE, GIVE YOUR MARRIAGE ALL THE CHANCES IN THE WORLD.  DON'T GIVE UP AND FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.  I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS.  IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY, BUT IT'S ALWAYS WORTH A TRY.  GOOD LUCK.  
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266539_tn?1281405752
Does your husband know you are cheating on him?
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Avatar_f_tn
No he doesn't know she is cheating on him.  I don't think the poster even feels that she did anything wrong by the way she is talking.  
Classic case of a spouse making up excuses why they cheated.  Always turns out to be their spouses fault that the cheated.  They always say the same thing, that they weren't getting attention from their husband or wife, so they feel into the arms of another person. blah blah blah.  
The poster seems to live in a storybook if she thinks that her husband is going to be gaga over her throughout the whole marriage.  
I think the poster needs to get the book that is called how to be a better wife to my husband.  
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266539_tn?1281405752
Laura~ I just don't get what some people think!  I'm glad to see im not the only "crazy" one who thinks all this is wrong!
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Avatar_n_tn
Would you morons read what was posted.  I never EVER said that I thought I am doing nothing wrong, I have kissed this guy and touched 1 time....IT IS NOT ON GOING, and I stopped anything else from happening more, I said no this is wrong and I'm not going to do this, and stopped the kiss. So stop making judgments and predictions and get the facts, and get over yourselves that think you are all perfect.  I am not going behind my husbands back he knows that we are friends....and that is JUST what we are.  Just friends....that moment was shortlived and has never happened again.  And if you freaks would get the facts staight.....my husband doesn't have a problem with us being friends, and in fact....he has incouraged it.  We have done the counselling, it is NOT A CURE ALL.  you women are pathedic
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266539_tn?1281405752
We aren't the ones cheating on our husbands... and I guess if that is what makes us pathedic, I'm okay with that!
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Avatar_f_tn
Its good that you put the breaks on it and not go all the way.  The grass is not always greener on the other side.  Things sometimes happen in life, people are not perfect, life is not perfect.  If you decide to stay with your husband you might want to distance yourself from this guy otherwise it could go further, and I am not only talking about the sex part, but you falling in love with him and maybe doing something rash.  I'm not judging you, only giving advise.

Good luck to you!
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Avatar_n_tn
Barbarella....thank you....I was worried that all the women out there were too perfect.  You are the only one that makes sense.....thanks again.
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Avatar_f_tn
You're welcome!  Anytime!
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