baby makes 3

well, i am 18 years old and engaged. i want to have a baby really bad and thought i was pregnant once before but i wasnt. i really want to have a baby but my bf doesnt yet. he wants to wait till we have been married for 2 years so we can " enjoy eachother" as he says. i want to have a child and would be very happy if it happen even unplanned! i would never trick him or do it without him knowing but i dont want to wait! is my "clock" ticking? what do i do/ do i have options?

[waitingwithhope]

You should wait for a baby when you are both ready. Even one person wanting to wait makes it better for both to wait. Your bf is right, you do need time as a couple. Even older newlyweds need this time too. It is a high stress time after getting married and getting used to each other. It is also a great time to discover your partner and how they react to things, their true likes/dislikes, etc. It is an adjustment period. Bringing a baby early on into any marriage is tough (babies really do cry all night long...and babies do grow up quickly--the cute stage is soon replaced with a kid wanting 100 dollar shoes). You do have plenty of time to think of children and you can save up, get an education, buy the house and really be totally ready for the baby. It will make all the difference in the world.

[porterNlove]

i understand your want for a baby but if he isnt ready for a child then what is your other choice? and honestly, i think its very sweet that he wants to be able to enjoy you as a wife. without stress of children. i have a 3 year old stepson who i consider my birth child. he is an amzing wonderful little boy and i wouldnt give him up fo anything in the world but it is very diffrent being in a relationship with a child.. not better not worse just diffrent. and if he doesnt have children, i think that would make it that much more stressful

[pertykitty]

i think being 18 you need to take some time to focus on yourself, and your soon to be husband. i know i will sound like a mom, but go to school. get a great job so you can afford all the expesive and fun baby stuff. i wonder what makes a young woman want a baby so early, myself i never thought about it till my mid 20's and i had so much fun those years i am glad i waited. there is a fantasy with getting pregnant and having a baby. even as wonderful as they are, there is another side too. they can be fussy, cranky, wont sleep, which means you dont sleep. you cant ;put them away or get rid of them to go shopping. they get sick, they puke or pee on you. it takes maturity and experiance in lifes challenges to be more prepared to be a mother in my opinion. i am now pregnant again, and i feel like puking all the time, and gaggin at all the wrong times. im tired, my head hurts. i get hungry, and i cant get it to go away, until i feel like puking again. what i am trying to say is its not the dream that all little girls have. we all fantasize about being the cute little thing with a perfect round belly. that is very rare!! dont try without your bf's knowledge, that is wrong. wait a bit longer, and see what he feels then. if both partners are not ready, it could cause so much stress and lead to a breakup. it is a life altering change, and when ready its great, but when you do it prematurely, it can be a nightmare. take care of yourself!! find out what your secret talent is and work on that for awhile!!

[barn babe]

Okay, I'm in my 40s and still not thinking "it's time" for a baby. Jesus, you're only 18 - why don't you think about getting a law degree, or  a graduate degree? Go to med school - I hear it's intellectually challenging.  I mean, jeez, what kinds of job skills could you possibly have if you just graduated from high school?

Here's the reality:  Our economy is in the toilet, thanks to the Bush criminal cabal in Washington. We are not likely to crawl out of this hole any time soon because our deficit and national debt are out of control. We have a Congress that is pro-war and just authorized all the money Bush wants to continue the illegal occupation.

What does all this mean for you and your "baby?"  It means things are going to get worse in this country before they get better. The Treasury is being sucked dry to pay for Iraq, college costs a f*cking fortune and it's getting more expensive every year, and real wages are falling - across the board.

So unless you and your "bf" are in the top 1% of wealth-holders in the U.S., you are likely to be stuck in a low-paying go-nowhere job unless you get yourself into college and work either towards a graduate degree, or figure out some unique skill set that can get you into a decent-paying position. Otherwise, you're screwed.

You have about 25 years left of childbearing years. Put this one on the back burner for now. Hell, you shouldn't even be "engaged" at your age. The likelihood that this "marriage" will go the distance is probably less than 50%. Much less.

How is it that people are being brainwashed at such a young age to buy into the whole marriage and baby routine? It's astonishing that women still fall for this stuff.

[JohnnyV]

I became a father in my mid 30s and found it was really hard on my relationship. We had been married for 6 years, but it still felt like a struggle to adjust to the new situation.

Having said that, I love fatherhood and sometimes wish I'd had my first daughter when I was much younger, like in my mid-20s. I feel like I started late and have some regrets.

For you, though, 18 is just below the threshold. It's too young by all standards, especially given the fact that you just got married. At the age range you're in right now, people change overnight and you can't predict who you'll be in 2 or 3 years. That doesn't combine well with an infant. At least wait until you're 22 or 23, then you can start thinking seriously about it.

And once you're ready to have a kid, you have to put aside all those worries about politics, the war in Iraq, and the national deficit! You have to believe in the inherent goodness of the world or you'll make your kid miserable.

J

[peekawho]

A woman ALWAYS needs to be able to make her own way in the world.  Considering how high the teen age divorce rate is, I'd say get going on an education and  career pronto.  

Life working 3rd shift at Waffle House isn't really all that appealing.  And with a high school diploma, its about what you can expect to do for the rest of your life, although if you work hard and have a good attitude, you might get 1st shift some day.

Your clock isn't ticking yet.  I hit the snooze button for you.  Wait 5 years before even thinking about a baby.  I'm sending anti-baby dust your way.  

[bip]

Your 18 years old enjoy life why would you want a baby? It it alot of responsiblity. They are expensive . Clothing, food,  medical bills  and teaching them the right thing. I wouldn't have a baby this young  enjoy life.

[koukla29]

LoL barnbabe, tell it like it is!  I completely agree.  Unless you won the lottery or are heiress to a large fortune, I wouldn't be having a baby anytime soon.  Invest in yourself.  Get a bachelor's degree - there are plenty of scholarship and financial aid opportunities out there.  I am all for graduate school as well, but I am guessing at 18 you're just out of high school.  If you aren't school oriented, think of a trade.  Community colleges have career centers - you can go to one and tell them you want to explore possible career options.  They are usually very helpful.

Life changes when you have a kid.  Your kid comes first.  Not your needs or wants - your baby is first.  Are you emotionally and financially ready for that?  Check out the post a few down about someone who is also thinking of getting pregnant.  

[AHP84]

You've *got* to be kidding me--you want a baby at 18 yrs old?!
I agree with the other posters, don't do this to yourself. Get into a better financial and educational position first.
I got pregnant at 19 (unplanned), had my son at 20, and now I'm 22 with a 2.5 yr old and a single mom. And it has been no walk in the park, let me tell you.
After I got pregnant, my relationship fell apart with my bf-soon-to-be-fiance-until-I-got-pregnant. The relationship didn't break up b/c of the pregnancy, but all the stress of not being prepared financially or in maturity broke us up (along with both our families butting heads). It was a MESS.
I thought my college career was over with only two yrs left to go. But my mom supported me and my son 100% so I could finish, and I had to get my son on Medicaid and other gov't help. Do you have any idea what it feels like not being able to support your own child for the most important things? It sucks. Your child is YOUR responsibility, and when you brought it into this world unprepared just b/c the idea of a baby was appealing or you were stupid and didn't use birth control or whatever, that's mooching (and yes, I had to mooch, and I hate that I had to) off whatever help you can get for your baby.
Fortunately for me, I was able to finish college last year with a BA degree, and a few months later landed an internship that turned into a full-time, white-collar career by the end of 2006. I am now able to support my son completely on my own--and he's EXPENSIVE.

Daycare: $655/month (excluding lunches)
Diapers/Pull-Ups: ~$40/month (and before potty training, ~$60/month)
Formula/Baby Food: ~$50-120/month
Clothes: depends where you buy 'em
Furniture: ~$400 or more
Health Care: ~$120/month (excluding co-pays)
Transportation: compare with gas prices going up to $4.00/gallon

And there's even more costs than that--those are just the necessities. And I'm grateful to receive my child support checks on time every month, and I have a great relationship with my son's father, but child support is meager compared to what I spend on him myself. And my son's father still has at least two yrs of college left b/c he got a later start than me.
So, if you think you can financially support a baby on your own (expect the worst in your relationship, just as a precaution) without mooching American citizens' tax dollars for gov't help and money from family and friends, then by all means, have a baby. But honestly, don't expect to be financially prepared with a high school education. At least get a two-year degree and/or learn a trade at a community college.
My advice: don't have a baby yet. Don't do this to yourself, your fiance, and your relationship. Wait until you have a better education and better prospects for a higher-paying career than what you can get with a HS degree. Believe me, it'll make all the difference in the world.
I've been there, I'm living it. I love my son and don't regret him, but I hindered my own opportunities. Don't do the same--a baby is not a mistake, but timing and finances are everything.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

At 18 you need to be plannig your future.  My guess is that this guy will be a distant memory in five years.  Before you even think about bringing a child into this world, you need to be able to support that child.  That means an education, a decent job with benefits, etc.

What are your dreams for yourself, who do you want to be at 40?  A baby is sweet but they turn into defiant teenagers.  Think about handling a hormonal 14 year old...are you up for that?

You have many, many years to bear children, but now you need to get your butt in gear and start building yourself a life.  I have a daughter who is 16 so I am old enough to be your mama, so I hope you take my advice.

Your future can be very bright, it is up to you to make smart decisions.

P.S.  And you probably will marry and have babies someday, just dont' feel like it has to be right now.

[kris123]

Well I had my child at 17 in high school and went to college and it was real hard but I did it and it can be done.  What the other posters are saying are right.  I had a hard time finishing high school without a baby sitter.  I managed to get a two-year degree at college and I have a decent job now.  It would be wise to get an education because that is what you have to back you up and help you along in life.  I started early and I didn't get to do a lot of things. Wanting a baby and having and taking care of one are two different things.  When I was 17, I thought this is great a baby, but it was hard because I had to do it alone - wouldn't change it for the world though because I got my Kala.  She is now 11 going on 12.  Good luck!!  Good for you in saying your not going to trick him because that would be bad.

[shadowsting]

I am gonna have to agree with the other posters. I was married at 18 had my first at 19 unplanned and my second at 21 planned. We dated for 5 years before marrying and it still only lasted 6 years in the marriage. I am now 30 with 3 kids, no collage, no career, no house and barely making enough to live month to month with a roommate. I work full time all night and am up all day with kids. My doctor says the lack of sleep is gonna kill me sooner than anything else and I can't even imagine wanting to go though that. Its no picnic. Find someone you know who has done it and shadow them for a day or two. I bet you'll change your mind and if not at least you'll be more prepared than a few babysitting classes can do for you.

[AHP84]

I live in northern Alabama. I did a lot of searching for a good, somewhat affordable daycare. The average cost around here is about $150/week or more. I'm paying $145/week at a private, Christian preschool and daycare. That does not include his lunches; I pack him a lunch every day because if I did hot lunches for him, it would be an extra $15/week.
After just starting my career in an entry-level position, my salary is definitely nothing to brag about--lower than your $41,000. But I'm making it on my own, thankfully. I just bought a small house and life is going great. I'm just so grateful my family helped get me to this point. Otherwise, I'd still be depending on tax dollars and probably a barely minimum wage job to support my son and get by at this point.
Congrats on your new baby! When are you due?

[aimntrev]

I think you should wait until you are both ready.  I have been with my husband since I was 16 I really wanted a baby and he wanted to wait. I am now 23 and he is 24 and we are 5 months pregnant with our first.  I am glad we waited, we had a beautiful wedding, we got into a nice house and my hubby got a good job so we can afford for me to be home with the baby.  I also had a very rough beginning to the pregnancy. I had horrible all day sickness (and I'm still sick) I had to be put on Zofran (which costs 100 dollars a week with really good insurance) and couldn't do anything, I couldn't work, I couldn't shop, clean anything. Everything made me puke.  I smell a phantom smell in my kitchen that nobody else smells but if I try to go in there I start gagging and eventually puke.  If my hubby wouldn't have been ready for a baby it would have been hard during all of this, because he has had to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and bring in all the income.  It helped by being around family members and friends that has babies. I could enjoy them and prepare myself for what life will be like (even though it will be nothing like that, because this baby will be my responsibility)

Marriage is all about compromises, and it will be that much better if your boyfriend is ready for the baby too.

[Arizonagirl]

Im only 23 years old! And me and my b/f are trying to get our life started! Everybody is right, a baby even at my age OY! Yes it would be nice! But exactly what they said... Kids are wonderful but the cost and the world today just isnt good! We have our own problems then to think about a kid right now! we are more worried about working, paying bills, making sure animals have things! An they are just like kids! Two BIG kids!  We are bout to buy a home and getting a new truck! Do you think we would be able to afford a kid as well as doing this.... NO!  Honestly yes i have my baby blues! But im also more worried weather j has got every thing he needs for work and food, and loving him! and I love him! If  you truly love your b/f you would make sure you both have everything you guys want for yourselves 1ST!  Go out and get your self a Good job and a good life! And if you want a baby that bad start saving now! J and i are saving money and trying to pay bill and every thing after 5 months, we only saved about $500.00! Thats not alot!  This is what we had to think about! Take the cost of having the baby in a hospital in your area, the cost of all the cloths and darecare and everthing would would need to pay for just starting to have the kid! CAN YOU AFFORD IT?Cause i cant! and I'm guessing not! w/ gov. money mabey! ( we have way to many people on it) But, that is truly not the answer!   Thats why we decided to wait! Worry about your self 1st along w/ your b/f!  In the long run i believe you and i would feel so much better that we waited! :)
EX: when i get the baby blues i babysit my sisters kids for a day! :/ it changes my mind at the end of the day! OY! LOL
So please Just think about all this before thinking about having a kid! :)

[bip]

You sound like a very smart girl.  Im 34 years old and have 2 boyz and believe me it's so hard raising a child bills there clothes medical bills and putting food on the table my husband and I are both working. You need  so much income to live. You sound like you have a good head over your shoulders.

[kris123]

Where do you live?  Daycare for an infant here in VA (Northern Virginia) is about $223 a week - that's about $800 a month.  I'm about to have my baby and me and the ex and not togeather, so I have to front the bill.  Thank God that my sis is watching him for 120 a week.  At $41000.00 I can't even live on my own right now with that bill!!!

[kris123]

Are you getting any government help?  I had my first child at 17 and now pregnant again and living with my parents.  I got a good job and went to college and got a two year degree and plan to go get my 4 year.  The government paid for me to go to school.  With three kids you can get a lot of help.  I know life is busy and you may think you don't have time for school.  I took two to one class at a time - it took me 4 years to get a two year and it will take another 3 or more to get my 4 year but I am going to do it no matter what.  I really feel for you.

[barn babe]

Good on you for going to college  while you were pregnant and had a family. And good for you that you have parents you can live with. Some people don't.

I would not recommend that the OP rely on "government help" to get through a pregnancy while also probably holding down a job and going to school.  That's a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Sorry, but "government help" if you are talking about the U.S. government, is a joke. She will no doubt be stuck at poverty level or close to it. If she can get any kind of a job (probably low-paying anyway, since she has no skills), she will be denied certain services and government subsidies and cut back on others. And most government programs are now for a specified period of time (thanks for nothin', Bill Clinton!).  

I should also add that under the Bush administration, many of the so-called   government backed student loan programs are now being farmed out to very questionable lenders who are tacking on horrendous interest rates.  This is what happens when folks vote corrupt pro-corporate snakes into office, though. They want to privatize everything, but most especially aid to the poor and to students and other low-income folks.

No, the best solution for this OP is to forgo pregnancy until she gets her own education going, and then gets her career in place. Only when she is sufficiently capable of taking care of herself with a decent salary and a decent place to live and has her finances under control should she consider pregnancy. Anything  else, especially in the U.S., is most likely going to be a disaster for her and her kid. Once she gets educated and finds a career she likes, she will more than  likely have moved on from the guy she's  "engaged" to because she will have undergone many emotional and intellectual changes that probably will preclude him. Sorry to say it, but that's the most likely reality here.

[Vannah0622]

I'm 18 and have always wanted a baby. So bad it hurts sometimes. I can't explain what makes me feel this way. I hate it. People are always judging me. I know that I'm not ready and I have a really good job I need to keep. But, what do you do when it's all you think about? Call me crazy but, I feel like a 25 yr old stuck in an 18 yr old body. How do you stop feeling this way when your job and just not being ready don't stop you? If I could change the way I feel, I would. But I can't help it. It sometimes just feel like an urge. Got any options?

[darkxflame]

You have lots of time you are only 18! Try working your way up in a job or getting a degree first. You will be able to enjoy that baby a lot more if you have plenty of money to spoil him or her. If you want something to take care of maybe you could adopt a dog or cat? Or since you like kids you might look into a career working with them, like getting a day care license or being a kindergarten teacher. You could babysit for some extra cash too - parents would be thrilled to have an older responsible baby sitter like you, especially for infants. Lol, I think we should trade places because I'm 21 and I am scared out of my mind about getting pregnant - I won't even have sex sometimes when I really want to because it scares me so much. I want to get my tubes tied but I can't afford it right now. If I do accidentally get pregnant despite my five (yep, five - pill, condom, diaphram, spermicide and rhythm method all at once) methods of birth control, I'll get in touch with you and you can adopt my baby XD. Yanno I think I need to post about that....it doesn't seem normal now that I mention it here...

[Vannah0622]

I just got a new puppy in July and it worked for about two weeks. But...here I am again. It just sucks because...I see so many young parents out there now-a-days that shouldn't even have kids because they don't give a ****! Here I am...18 yrs old and have already had so much experience on how to be a good parent. I have 4 baby sisters, like...7 baby cousins, I'm a god mom, and I took two years of parenting class in high school. So I don't think baby sitting would do any good.I wish we could trade places cause if I were 21, I'd already have one.

[BearHitch]

I don't really see any options for you if your boyfriend wants to wait at least 2 years after getting married.  Having married young and had a baby right away afterwards, I would agree with him to take some time and just be a couple.  We just had our son in October and it is hard and puts a strain on your relationship.  I am not going to discourage you from getting married, however, if you both love each other and feel it is the right thing to do.  Divorce rates are high across the board no matter what age bracket you fall into, and some people are ready sooner than others.  On a side note regarding college, should you pursue it, I would HIGHLY recommend that you take student loans out solely for tuiton costs and not for living costs.  I only say that because my DH's student loan payments are sinking us financially- he has 2 BA's and $90,000 in school debt- and he says he wished he had not taken out so much.  So, just a thought.